Posts Tagged With: dictionary

Spotlight on John Chamberlin, Author of “Above the Fries”

 

Who’s At Lunch For Your Lunchtime Errands?

jagoff

SCENARIO:

You’re at work. Lunch hour is coming up, and you are going to run an errand during lunch hour. Today, it involves finally getting the time to have that blood test stuff done that your doctor prescribed 4 1/2 weeks ago. So, 11:55 AM comes, you shut down your personal Facebook account early, and you head on over to this particular lab to get the blood draw done. You get there, and you see the sign in the pic above!!!!

C’mon! Does the WHOLE office really have to shut down at lunch time???

Do ya think they all go to McDonalds?  Then all come back, realize there are no customers, so they decide to check their own LDL’s, HDL’s, HTML’s, EIEIO’s and LMNOP’s?

I think the person who decided Noon was a good time for all of the phlebotomists to take lunch was probably unsuccessful at their previous consulting jobs:

Suggesting grocery stores be closed on the weekends

Church closings on Sundays

And “POP ONLY” sales four hours before all NFL, NBA, MBL and NHL games.

Imagine if I would have actually wasted my 5 minute-vending-machine-stride-gum-lunch-break to get to this office, or worse, someone wasted their coveted SMOKE BREAK to get there!!!!

Hey, ABCD- phlebotomers, Dr. Lou Stool (my G.I. doctor) said I eat too much fast food and ordered me to get my blood tested. You’re closed before work. You’re closed AFTER work and you’re closed during our lunch break.

Here’s what I have determined out of all of this…you lab people have lunch with bank tellers and postal employees every day. I know this cuz, when I’ve had other errands to run at lunch…get some stamps, cash a check I received as a gift…GUESS WHO ELSE IS AT LUNCH DURING MY LUNCH HOUR??

As a heads up, I’m getting a job at your favorite office-delivery pizza place. And every time you call in for a lunchtime delivery, I’m gonna simply say, “Thanks for your order. I’ll just drop those pizzas off when it’s convenient for me…about 2am on my way home from work,” Ya Jagoffs!

finalabovethefriescover

Author Bio

Born and raised in the Pittsburgh area, loyal denizen John Chamberlin has carved out a niche writing and talking about Jagoffs, i.e. stupid politicians, awful sports officials, dumb criminals, bad drivers, ignorant people and so on. In his effort to teach the world about the meaning of the term Jagoff, Chamberlin has launched a campaign to add the word to the dictionary. His efforts have received support from Pittsburgh celebrities, local media and the Mayor. When he is not trying to alter vocabulary as we know it, Chamberlin writes with passion about  Pittsburgh and brings to life the color of “The Steel City” on his blog http://www.YaJagoff.com. He has developed a cadre of worldwide “YaJagoff Catchers” who submit their own Jagoff finds which he posts on his site. When not writing on his own blog, Chamberlin writes for the popular online magazine, HumorOutcasts.com. He also speaks about social media and its importance in developing a brand–even a Jagoff brand.

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Iraqi Potato Beef Casserole (kibbe batata)

Iraqi Entree

POTATO BEEF CASSEROLE
(kibbe batata)

INGREDIENTSKibbeBatata-

6 medium brown potatoes
½ teaspoon turmeric

2 garlic cloves
1 onion
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 pound ground beef or lamb
3 tablespoons parsley
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt

no-stick spray
2½ tablespoons butter
½ tablespoon cinnamon

SPECIAL UTENSIL

9″ x 13″ casserole dish
Serves 117 square inches

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Peel potatoes. Cut each potato into eight pieces. Put potato pieces into large pot. Add enough water to cover potato bits. Bring water to boil on high heat. Reduce heat to low and simmer for about 20 minutes or until potato is tender. Drain potatoes. Mash potatoes with potato masher. Add turmeric to pot. Use whisk to blend mashed potatoes and turmeric together.

While potato is cooking, mince garlic cloves and onion. Put garlic, onion, and vegetable oil in pan. Sauté at medium-high for 5 minutes. Stir frequently. Add ground beef, parsley, pepper, and salt. Cook on medium heat for 5 minutes or until beef is no longer pink.

Spray casserole dish with no stick spray. Cut butter into tiny cubes. Add ½ of mashed potatoes to casserole dish. Smooth mashed potatoes with spoon or spatula. Add ground-beef mix. Smooth ground beef. Add remaining ½ of mashed potatoes to casserole dish. Smooth mashed potatoes. Sprinkle tiny butter cubes and cinnamon over top layer of mashed potatoes.

Bake casserole at 350 degrees for 30-to-40 minutes or until top of casserole turns golden brown. Cut casseroles into squares, diamonds, or rectangles and serve to lovers of good food and friends of geometric shapes everywhere.

TIDBITS

1) This entree is Iraqi.

2) Iraqi food is great, however Iraqi is poor word for making anagrams.

3) You can use the word Iraqi to form the anagram “Qi air.”

4) Qi is a word that is only used in ScrabbleTM games. I don’t know what it means. I don’t play Scrabble anymore.

5) There is a persistent suspicion among culinary wordsmiths that wars and all types of fighting in that country occur to justify the use of the words Iraq, Iraqi, and Iraqis in Scrabble.

6) But what if Iraq were to split into separate countries?

7) Iraq and Iraqi would be taken out of the Scrabble dictionary.

8) And what if you had the tiles IRAQISW in your possession, and you could use the “q” for a triple-letter score and the entire word could be doubled?

9) And what if you were playing the leaders of the superpowers for world domination, the game was about to end because one of the leaders wanted to eat a lutefisk sandwich at the table, and the points from I1R1A1Q10I1S1 are enough to give you the game?

10) Well, you’d lose because Iraq wouldn’t exist anymore in Scrabble. You’d have to go back to your spouse in your tiny apartment who’d ask you where you’d been.

11) You’d say, “Honey, I’ve been playing the nations’ leader Scrabble for world domination.”

12) You’d be told, “Like I haven’t heard that one before. Did you get the milk like I asked you?”

13) A dark mood would envelop you. You’d head to KwikiMart thinking, “If I were the world’s dictator, I could send someone else out to get milk.”

14) On the way home, you’d realize that if Iraq were to split into three nations, the country of Kurdistan would come into existence.

15) What if you had the tiles K5U1R1D2I1S1T1S1 and you could place them in front of AN already on the board for triple K and triple word?

16) Why you’d win the game for sure! You’d be the Earth’s El Supremo. You’d have a milk fetcher on your permanent staff. Chocolate malteds anytime you want! World domination is great!

17) Did you keep the phone numbers of the world’s leaders? Great. Be sure to get those honey-mustard potato chips that Madame President likes.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Herb Substitutions

HERB SUBSTITUTIONS

There comes a moment in every chef’s life when he or she simply doesn’t have every herb needed for that devastatingly delicious recipe and guests are arriving in 10 minutes and my gosh, oh my gosh. Fret not, simply consult the below list of herb substitutions and restore serenity to your life.

Basil – Italian seasoning, marjoram, oregano, thyme
Chervil – parsley, tarragon
Chive – green onion, leek, onion
Cilantro – chervil, parsley
Italian seasoning – basil, marjoram, oregano, parsley, red pepper (ground), rosemary, sage, savory, thyme
Mint – basil, marjoram, rosemary
Marjoram – basil, Italian seasoning, oregano, savory, thyme
Mustard, powder – horseradish powder, wasabi powder (1/4 times as much), prepared mustard (3 times as much)
Oregano – basil, Italian seasoning, marjoram, thyme
Parsley – basil, chervil, cilantro, Italian seasoning
Poultry seasoning – marjoram, rosemary, savory
Rosemary – Italian seasoning, poultry seasoning, thyme, tarragon
Sage – marjoram, poultry seasoning, rosemary, savory,
Savory – Italian seasoning, marjoram, poultry seasoning, sage, thyme
Tarragon – chervil, fennel seed, aniseed
Thyme – basil, Italian seasoning, marjoram, oregano, savory

According to my Webster’s New World Dictionary, an herb is, “any seed plant whose stem withers away to the ground after each season’s growth, as distinguished from a tree or shrub whose woody stem lives from year to year.”

Hot stuff, you betcha.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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