Posts Tagged With: taxes

How to Solve TV Mysteries

Dear Reader,

I draw upon my many hours of watching TV mysteries such as Murder She Wrote and Midsomer Murders to give you my tips on solving the show’s murderer. Here they are:

1) The show will heavily suggest a murdered in the first few minutes after the murder. This person is never ever the murderer. Just isn’t. Nope, not ever. Filing for taxes will become easy and pleasurable before this happens.

2) Clues for the actual murderer usually takes place 60% of the way through the show.

3) You really have to be alert at this stage of the show. While in the first part of the program the detectives will say, “My gosh, this man has got to be the murderer,” they will never say anything like that when the real clue comes up.

4) The real clue will usually be in the form of the dastardly perpetrator saying something bizarre, not true, or out of character. This clue will not be picked up by the detective until the 80%-to-90% of the show.

5) The murderer will not be a short woman. A tall woman can pass for a man if seen in a coat at night and from a large distance. This is why I married a short woman.

6) The murderer NEVER EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER leaves town. They just wait for the law to pick them up at the 90% mark of the show. Oh sure, they might, in rare cases, get tickets to fly away. But they are singularly incapable of getting to the airport. Most of the time, however, people who buy airline tickets are the ones who get killed. So travel by train.

7) Here’s a drinking game guaranteed to get your drunk. You have to drink something every time someone says, “But I didn’t kill him.” Unfortunately, this utterance doesn’t provide any clues to the identity of the killer. Sorry.

8) The murderer is usually a neat type. While the actual murder itself might be gory and chaotic, his home will be neat, be it ever so humble.

9) The murderer is often rich. This is argument for raising taxes on the wealthy.

10) If someone in the show has an ancestor that was wronged a long time ago, perhaps even centuries, then he is a likely murderer.

11) If someone remotely suspicious has her name changed, then she is the murderer. So let your bride to be, keep her last name. Don’t even ask her to change it.

Happy solving, you TV detective, you.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Pumpkin Seed Meatballs (Kanda)

Central African Entree

PUMPKIN SEED MEATBALLS
(Kanda)

INGREDIENTS

3½ cups shelled, lightly toasted pumpkins or squash seeds
6 garlic cloves
1 medium onion (1 more later)
1¼ pounds ground beef
½ cup water (if needed)
1 medium onion
4 tomatoes
1 cayenne chile pepper or chile pepper
6 tablespoons palm oil or peanut oil
½ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
1 cup water
1 cup fresh parsley

SPECIAL UTENSILS

food processor
mandoline (optional)

Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 50 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add pumpkin seeds to food processor. Grind seeds until they become a powder. Mince garlic and 1 onion. Add pumpkin-seed powder, garlic, and onion to large mixing bowl. Blend with hands. (If needed to form a moist round meatball, gradually add up to ½ cup water, blending each time water is added.) Form mix into 1″ meatballs and chill in refrigerator for 30 minutes.

While meatballs chill, use mandoline to cut 1 onion into ¼” strips. Dice tomatoes. Seed and mince cayenne pepper. Add palm oil to large pan. Heat oil at medium-high heat or until a little bit of onion in oil starts to dance. Add onion slices, tomato, and cayenne chile pepper. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion slices soften. Stir frequently. Add pepper and salt. Stir.

Add 1 cup water. Bring water and sauce to boil using high heat. Stir occasionally. Gently add meatballs to pan. Reduce heat to medium and simmer for 20 minutes. Stir gently and occasionally. Reduce heat to warm-low and simmer for another 30 minutes. Stir gently and occasionally. Dice parsley. Garnish meatballs with parsley. This entree goes well with rice.

TIDBITS

1) Pumpkins are round. Balloons are also round.

2) This similarity is no coincidence; Louis XVI loved pumpkin seeds.

3) What the king of France wanted, the king of France got.

4) So great merchant fleets set out from France to import pumpkins from the Spanish territory of Peru. These Peruvian pumpkins cost the royal treasury a million francs every year.

5) Disaster struck in 1777. Pirates based from British Jamaica captured the French fleet bound for Peru, along with its many chests of gold. This loss proved such a blow to French finances that its treasury wouldn’t recover until the next tidbit.

6) King Louis hired Jacques Necker to handle France’s money matter. For Monsieur Necker knew how to get the best price for everything, centuries before AmazonTM even. Many even said he’d able to count up to six billion if given enough time. And that is how many francs he borrowed.

7) The French navy could now buy enough ships to escort their pumpkin fleets to and from France. Then boom! The American Revolution started. France went to war with the British. The French fleet helped America gain its independence.

8) However, French naval expenditures trained the French treasury. Its navy wouldn’t put to sea for decades. This left King Louis’ annual pumpkin fleets unescorted, easy prey for British ships of the line.

9) What to do? Louis XVI having scooped out all the pumpkin seeds, looked down at the empty pumpkin and had an epiphany. Why not carry Peru’s pumpkins seeds back using giant, balloons made from empty pumpkins?

10) Well, of course, the Peruvian pumpkins of 1781 were not big enough to make balloons or even the baskets beneath them. So France bought up an enormous pumpkin farm in Peru dedicated to making enormous pumpkins. No franc was left unspent in pursuit of the venture.

11) By 1789, Louis XVI had no money. His finance minister asked the French nobility if it would accept new taxes. It said, “Na, na, na, poo, poo.” So Necker asked all of France for a gigantic weenie roast to discuss ways to raise revenue. Fine suggestions were made, then disaster struck. A nobleman cut in front of a long line of peasants waiting for weenies. Words were said. Knives with drawn. Before you could say François’s your uncle the French Revolution began.

12) King Louis would lose his head in the ensuing kerfuffle. Napoleon would seize power and discontinue the bigger-pumpkin experiment in Peru. So bummer.

13) However, so good came out of Louis’ misfortune. America borrowed the idea of France’s Great Weenie Roast of 1789 to celebrate every Fourth of July. And Peru’s big pumpkins are still the envy of the world.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

When My Family Stopped Ruling the World

Napoleon

200 years ago my great, great, great, great grandfather, Napoleon I, lost the battle of Waterloo. In doing so, he lost control of Europe, his position as emperor of France, and my birthright to rule France and intimidate the rest of the world. Bummer. But it’s fun to speculate what I would do if I were emperor. Let’s go! I’d:

1) Ban lutefisk. How how did we allowed this atrocity to go unchecked?

2) Abolish all Federal income taxes.

3) Impose imperial income taxes. We’re an empire now, remember?

4) Coffee trucks will cruise by the millions around all neighborhoods in the morning. This will increase productivity to an amazing extent, heralding in a new era of prosperity.

5) The Cubs will win the World Series. Imperial decree seems to be the only way to bring this about. Besides, Cub fans have suffered a lot.

6) Grade inflation will stop in schools. Teachers will get paid more. Bacon & Chocolate will be part of school lunches.

7) It will be illegal to advertise any story or post on the internet with, “You won’t believe” or “what happens next will shock you.

8) Twizzlers will become the world’s currency.

9) Tacos will be free everywhere on my birthday.

10) Computers will no longer freeze.

11) Spammers will be charged a penny for every person they spam. This will eliminate the need for income taxes. Yay!

12) People who don’t signal before they turn will spontaneously combust.

13) Air travel will be fun. Okay this last one is a stretch.

– Paul R. De Lancey, Emperor of the WorldCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com.

 

Categories: humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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