Author Archives: pauldelancey

My Not-To-Do List – Part 3

NotToDo1

It’s an awesome responsibility with millions of people looking to me for guidance on what no to do today, so I approached today’s list with great thought. So, here are the things I won’t be doing.

1) I will not take my paints and easel to the DMV to paint still-life scenes.

2) I will not move to Antarctica. It’s winter down there.

3) I will not get into any political discussion with a mime. That sort of thing always gets out of hand.

4) I will not check cans at the supermarket for “high fructose corn syrup.” I need a break. I’ll stay away from food buying today.

5) Oh gosh, see what 4) can do. I’m craving a TwinkieTM.

6) I will not repost anything that says, “Repost this.”

7) I will not buy a Twinkie.

9) I will not ask chickens, “Why did you cross the road?”

10) I will put aside my work on a Mobius-strip roller coaster.

11) I will not try to make sense of Middle-Eastern politics.

12) I will not read any of the on-line agreements that I must check before buying anything.

13 I will not buy a Twinkie.

– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doer

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Orange Italian Ice

Italian Dessert

ORANGE ITALIAN ICE

INGREDIENTSOrangeItalianIce-

9 medium oranges (Save peels.)
⅔ cups sugar
1½ cups water
1½ teaspoons freshly grated orange zest (from about ½ orange)

Makes 18 Italian ices. Takes 2 or more hours and then overnight.

PREPARATION

Cut oranges in half. Squeeze juice from orange halves into large pot. Save halved orange peels. Add sugar and water. Bring to boil using high heat, stirring until sugar dissolves. Let cool. Add orange zest. Stir with whisk until orange/sugar syrup is well blended. Cool in freezer for 30 minutes. Stir so that any bits of orange ice are evenly distributed. Repeat every 30 minutes until corn/sugar is only an icy slush. Then let sit in freezer overnight.

Scoop orange/sugar slush into halved orange peels. Eat with a spoon. This dessert is particularly enjoyable on a hot, summer’s afternoon.

TIDBITS

1) Notice that this recipe takes a lot of time. What can you do while for the two hours and overnight periods to go by?

2) Have hot and steamy sex. This is probably better done overnight. I mean what if you’re engaged in some heavy petting during the two-hour preparation period when the timer goes off? Bing! (Special effects, you bet.) Then you say, “Sorry honey, I’ve got to add zest to the pot.” Then your partner says, “You ain’t adding any zest to our relationship.” Then you return from the kitchen to the bed, or even sofa, and no one’s there and all you see is a note addressed to Insignificant Other and you become so distraught that you start writing run on sentences.

3) On the other hand, serving orange Italian ice does say, “You’re special.” Indeed, there’s nothing like orange slush inside a hollowed-out orange hemisphere to set the stage for romance.

4) Orange Italian ices tend to melt in the car. Which is why you must always have your sweetheart come over to your place for a romantic evening. While your orange Italian ice chills in the fridge, snuggle next to your loved one in front of a roaring fire. Note, it’s best to have the roaring fire in a fireplace. Otherwise, the fire will spread rather rapidly and you will have precious little time for snuggling. Indeed, you will most likely be sprinting out the front door and your snuggle bunny will never call you again. Love is hard.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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How I Will Save The World From Bigass Comets And War

Trampoline

If you’re like me, the thought of three-mile-wide comet striking the Earth terrifies you. I mean the last time we got hit by one, woowee, things were bad! We’re talking mass extinction with exclamation points everywhere!!!! And if you’re thinking I’m making all this up, go ask a dinosaur how things went down. Couldn’t find a dinosaur, could you? See? I was right.

Oh sure, there are some good things that would come with the obliteration of humanity. Some that occur to me: are eating English toffee ice cream and not caring a bit about the calories, no waiting in line at the DMV, no more filing of estimated taxes, never ever hearing again the theme song to Barney the Dinosaur, no more election ads, AND no more spring cleaning.

But no matter how much you try to put a happy face on this, mass extinctions are a bummer. You’ll miss things like: hot-and-heavy sex, breathing, shredded beef tacos in a crispy shell, root beer, and crossword puzzles*

So overall, I think it’s best if we deal with the incoming comets that everyone talks about. Here is my plan. It is devastating in its utter simplicity.

Have the comets bounce back into space off a three-mile wide trampoline.  Tada! The world is saved.

Of course, we’ll need helicopters to fly the trampoline to wherever it will be needed, but that should be easy to arrange. And in the meantime, it’ll  be a fantastic release for millions of energetic kids the world over who love to bounce, bounce, bounce. Face it, most people start wars because they’ve spent too much time with shrieking, whining, bored kids and just plain flipped out.

So, there you go, I’m saving the world at least two times. You’re welcome. I expect to Nobel Prize any moment now.

* = If you can find someone who lets you do crossword puzzles during hot and heavy sex, propose marriage immediately.

– Paul R. De Lancey, Ph.D. and future Nobel Prize winner

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

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My Not-To-Do List – Part 2

NotToDo1

I have a will of iron. When I resolve not to do something, it stays undone. Here are things I shall not do today.

1) See my dentist.

2) Schedule a colonoscopy. (I’m not in the mood for deep insights to myself.)

3) Reorganize my office.

4) Dance the polka with Vladimir Putin. (I will not dance with any quasi-dictator who invades countries. I just won’t.)

5) Dance on the ceiling. (We have gravity in my fair city of Poway. It isn’t possible.)

6) Run the Marathon.

7) Or even the half-Marathon.

8) Conjugate verbs in Portuguese.

9) Appear in any on-Broadway musical.

10) Read the entire consent form on any website.

11) Eat or cook haggis.

12) Make at not-to-do list with thirteen items.

– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doer

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Oeufs en Meurette

French Entree

OEUFS EN MEURETTE

INGREDIENTSOeufsEnMeurette-

3 ounces thick, really fatty bacon*
12 pearl onions
1 small onion
½ celery stalk
2 shallots
1 garlic clove
5 cups water
¼ teaspoon pepper
12 ounces red Burgundy wine
1 cup beef stock
1 bay leaf**
5 springs parsley**
2 sprigs thyme**
2 tablespoons butter (2 additional tablespoons later)
3 tablespoons flour
4 eggs
4 slices white bread (¼” thick)
2 tablespoons butter

Makes 4 servings. Takes 1 hour 15 minutes.

* = How do you look for fatty bacon? It’s easy! Simply go to your supermarket and pick the package of bacon that has been tossed to the side, the one where the little flaps have been torn open. That’s the bacon for you. Or . . . buy any package of bacon and cut off all the fatty sections. Save the lean bits for future breakfasts. Your kids, family, and friends will love you for it.

** = This ingredients comprise bouquet garni or bouquet garnish. Now impress your friends with your culinary knowledge. Walk with pride.

PREPARATION

Cut bacon crosswise into ¼” wide strips. Cut off tops and bottoms of pearl onions. (Do not remove skins.) Dice onion. Thinly slice celery and shallots. Crush garlic. Add water to pot. Bring water to boil using high heat. Add pearl onions to pot. Boil for 1 minute. Remove pearl onions and set aside. Save oniony water to poach eggs.

While water comes to boil, add fatty bacon strips to pan. Fry using medium heat for 3 minutes or until bacon starts to brown. Stir frequently. Remove bacon strips and place them on a plate covered by paper towels. Keep bacon grease in pan. Remove skins from pearl onions. Place pearl onions in pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 4 minutes or until they soften and turn golden brown. Stir frequently. Remove pearl onions and set aside. Keep bacon grease in pan.

Add diced onion, sliced shallot, and pepper to pan. Sauté for 5 minutes at medium-high heat or until onion and shallot soften. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to medium. Add garlic. Sauté for for 1 minute or until you can smell the garlic. Add wine, beef stock, celery, bay leaf, parsley, and thyme. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 30 minutes or until sauce is reduced by half.

While sauce reduces, add 2 tablespoons butter and flour to bowl. Smash together with fork. This is called beurre manié. (Don’t confuse beurre manié with beurre manic. You don’t want to know what manic butter is. Even I don’t want to know.) Add this to pan. Mix with whisk. Simmer on low-medium heat for 3 minutes or until sauce thickens. Stir occasionally. Add beurre manié to pan. Simmer for 3-to-5 minutes or until sauce thickens. Stir occasionally. Strain sauce through colander into bowl.

While sauce still reduces, bring oniony water in pot to boil using high heat. (You did save the oniony water, didn’t you?) Crack eggs into a large ladle. Gently place eggs in water one at a time. Poach the eggs for 3-or-5 minutes, depending on your preference for soft or hard eggs. Remove pot from burner. Add fatty-bacon strips.

Now make the croûtes, a fancy French work for bread crusts. Use a round cookie cutter, about the size of a poached egg, cut the 4 bread slices into 4 circles. Add 2 tablespoons butter to pan. Melt using medium heat. Add bread circles to pan. Sauté bread for 1-to-2 minutes on each side or until browned Add a croûte to each plate. Use slotted spoon to remove poached egg from pot. Place egg on top of croûte. Ladle ¼ of the sauce onto the egg. Garnish with ¼ of the pearl onions. Repeat for each croûte.

TIDBITS

1) A small kitchen is a kitchenette. A small pipe is a pipette. So, a small mural should be a muralette. But it isn’t. It’s a meurette. We can all blame the French impressionist Paul Gauguin for this.

2) Monsieur Paul was a painting maniac. He literally painted every moment he was awake. When he was full of vim and vigor and ate this recipe, then called oeufs en vin, he painted outside with his friend Vincent van Gogh. Paul and Vincent would talk about brush versus finger painting, the local babes, and fantasy baseball leagues. Yes, they were visionaries in matters outside of the arts as well.

3) However, on days when Paul had been consuming vat after vat of wine, it was hard for him to get out of bed, pick up his easel and paints downstairs, and head to the fields. Indeed, he even found it difficult to head down to the breakfast table. On these occasions, the owner of La Meur would bring a plate on runny, fried eggs to Paul’s bed. But even with a throbbing wine induced migraine, Paul had to paint. He’d just prop himself up on one elbow, dip his hand into the runny yolks, and fingerpaint on a mural on the wall. He did a great job! Wealthy art lovers came from all over France to admire his little murals.

4) Since Paul had no money to pay for his room and board, he sold the rights to his little murals to La Meur’s owner. This and the fact that Paul drank wine heavily and painted with runny eggs, made the renaming of oeufs en in to oeufs en meurette inevitable. And if you wish, you can go to the Gauguin room at the Louvre in Paris and see Monsieur Paul Gauguin’s walls covered with one finger-painted egg mural after another. Be sure to spend some looking at his most famous one, Le Chaton d’Or.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Curtido (pickled coleslaw) from El Salvador

El Salvadoran Appetizer

CURTIDO
(pickled coleslaw)

INGREDIENTSCortido-

½ head cabbage
1 carrot
2 scallions or small onion
½ cup water
¾ teaspoon red pepper flakes
½ tablespoon Mexican oregano or oregano
½ cup white vinegar or apple cider vinegar

Makes 8 servings. Takes 3 hours including sitting and chilling.. A few hours of sitting and chilling is good for the chef as well.

PREPARATION

Shred cabbage. Grate carrot. Mince scallions. Add cabbage and carrot to large mixing bowl. Mix with whisk. Boil water. Pour boiling water over cabbage and carrot. Let sit for 5 minutes. Drain. Add red pepper flakes, Mexican oregano, and white vinegar to bowl. Let sit for at least 2 hours. Chill in refrigerator for 15 minutes.

Goes well with many El Salvadorean dishes including Pupusas.

TIDBITS

1) This recipe only uses a half-head of cabbage. This leaves another half. What can you make with cabbage?

2) Coleslaw and corned beef and cabbage, of course.

3) Suppose, however, your significant other hates cabbage and only ate it this time for this dish to show eternal devotion. However, if his/her–I have to do this his/her because I don’t know the sex of your sweetheart, but you’ll be able to tell just by looking–eyes turn bright red and his/her neck rotates three times at the thought of eating cabbage again, here are some suggestions:

3A) Take up the art of cabbage origami. Unfortunately, cabbage origami is a dying art since cabbage is much less flexible than paper. So, books on cabbage origami are quite hard to find.

3B) Wear a couple layers of cabbage leaves on your head whenever people come to your door to sell you something. One glance at your leafy hat and they’ll be gone lickety split.

3C) Use the cabbage layers as FrisbeesTM. It’s fun for the whole family. Then when the cabbage wilts, use it in your garden as a mulch. Can you do that with a regular Frisbee? I don’t think so.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Poulet Yassa (chicken stew)

Guinean Entree

POULET YASSA
(chicken stew)

INGREDIENTS

3 pounds boneless chicken
3 garlic cloves
6 medium onions
⅔ cup lemon juice
¼ teaspoon pepper
¼ cup vegetable oil
½ cup chicken stock
1 bay leaf
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
½ teaspoon salt

SPECIAL EQUIPMENT

Dutch oven

Makes 6 bowls. Takes at least 6 hours, including refrigeration.

PREPARATION

Cut chicken into 1″ cubes. Mince garlic. Thinly slice onions. Add chicken, garlic, onion, lemon juice, and pepper to large mixing bowl. Mix with hands until chicken cubes are thoroughly coated. Marinate chicken in refrigerator for at least 5 hours or overnight.

Remove onion slices and chicken cubes from large mixing bowl. (Keep lemony marinade.) Add chicken cubes, onion slices and oil to Dutch oven Sauté at high heat for 10-to-15 minutes or until onion softens and chicken is no longer pink on outside. Stir frequently. Add lemony marinade from large mixing bowl, chicken stock, bay leaf, cayenne pepper, Dijon mustard, and salt to Dutch oven. Simmer at low heat for 30 minutes-to 1 hour or until chicken is done and most of the liquid is gone. Goes well with couscous or rice.

TIDBITS

1) The Great Chicken Festival is held in December in Cacciatore, Alaska. Chickens from all over the world come to see and to be seen. Highlights of the festival are the clean-and-jerk weight lifting event and the Great Chicken Golf Invitational. You’ll have seen nothing like it.

2) The World Chicken Festival occurs in September in London, Kentucky. Contests include the rooster crowing, clucking, and strutting, survival egg dropping, and chicken-wing eating. London, Kentucky is located in the Daniel Boone National Forest. Daniel Boone was the first man to successfully tame Eastern Kentucky’s huge herds of feral chickens. This is why we know about him.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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When My Family Stopped Ruling the World

Napoleon

200 years ago my great, great, great, great grandfather, Napoleon I, lost the battle of Waterloo. In doing so, he lost control of Europe, his position as emperor of France, and my birthright to rule France and intimidate the rest of the world. Bummer. But it’s fun to speculate what I would do if I were emperor. Let’s go! I’d:

1) Ban lutefisk. How how did we allowed this atrocity to go unchecked?

2) Abolish all Federal income taxes.

3) Impose imperial income taxes. We’re an empire now, remember?

4) Coffee trucks will cruise by the millions around all neighborhoods in the morning. This will increase productivity to an amazing extent, heralding in a new era of prosperity.

5) The Cubs will win the World Series. Imperial decree seems to be the only way to bring this about. Besides, Cub fans have suffered a lot.

6) Grade inflation will stop in schools. Teachers will get paid more. Bacon & Chocolate will be part of school lunches.

7) It will be illegal to advertise any story or post on the internet with, “You won’t believe” or “what happens next will shock you.

8) Twizzlers will become the world’s currency.

9) Tacos will be free everywhere on my birthday.

10) Computers will no longer freeze.

11) Spammers will be charged a penny for every person they spam. This will eliminate the need for income taxes. Yay!

12) People who don’t signal before they turn will spontaneously combust.

13) Air travel will be fun. Okay this last one is a stretch.

– Paul R. De Lancey, Emperor of the World

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Khachapuri (Georgian cheese roll)

Georgian Entree

KHACHAPURI

INGREDIENTSKhacapuri-

¾ cup milk
1 teaspoon sugar
2½ teaspoons yeast
1 tablespoon olive oil
2⅔ cups flour (4 additional tablespoon later)
¾ teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon flour (3 additional tablespoons later)
1 tablespoon butter (2 additional tablespoons later)
1 pound Muenster or mozzarella cheese
½ pound feta cheese
¼ pound ricotta cheese
2 eggs (2 additional eggs later)
2 tablespoons flour (1 additional tablespoon later)
1 tablespoon flour
2 eggs
2 tablespoons butter

SPECIAL UTENSILS

parchment paper or at least, no-stick spray
food processor
2 x 9″ pie tins
clothes dryer

Makes 2 loaves. Takes 2¾ hours.

PREPARATION

Add milk and sugar to small pot. Cook on low-medium heat until mixture is lukewarm. Stir constantly. Remove from heat and add yeast. Stir until well blended. Let cool for 10 minutes. Add olive oil, 2⅔ cups flour, and salt. Stir until mixture becomes a lumpy dough ball. Let sit for 30 minutes.

While dough ball sits, dust a flat surface with 1 tablespoon flour. Add dough ball to flat surface. Knead dough by hand until you are at peace with the world or 8 minutes. Grease large mixing bowl with 1 tablespoon butter. Add knead dough ball to greased, first mixing bowl. Turn dough ball around until it’s coated with butter. Cover bowl and let sit for 1 hour.

While dough rises, cut Muenster and feta cheeses into ½” cubes. Add grated Muenster, feta, and ricotta cheeses to food processor. Blend until only a few cubes remain. Add 2 eggs and 2 tablespoons flour. Blend until mixture is smooth. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

After dough has risen, dust flat surface with 1 tablespoon flour. Add dough ball to flat surface. Flatten dough ball with hands. Divide dough ball in half. Flatten dough halves until they are 11″ wide and about ⅛” thick. Add parchment paper or no-stick spray to pie tins. Add flattened dough halves to pie tins. Add half of cheese/egg/flour mixture to center of each dough half. Pull edges of dough to the center until there is only a round 1″ hole in the middle. Pinch edges together.

Bake for 15 minutes at 375 degrees or until bread loaves are starting to brown. Use spoon or shot glass to press a 3″ hole in the center of the loaves. Add an egg to each 3″ hole. Bake at 375 for 15 minutes or until loaves turn golden brown and eggs are slightly set. (The eggs will continue to cook after being removed from the oven.) Remove from oven and brush each loaf with 1 tablespoon butter.

Serve hot to adoring guests. Put pairs of unappreciative guests in pairs of matched socks. Put sock-clad guests in clothes drier. When one of the matching socks disappears, as often happens, it’ll take one of the complainers with it. Repeat until your home has only happy people in it.

TIDBITS

1) This entree is from the country called Georgia. This Georgia is near Russia and Iran. There is also a state in America called Georgia. It is near Florida, Alabama, Tennessee, and South Carolina.

2) Both Georgias are named after Madamoiselle Georgia Chat. We know little about Mlle. Mousse save that she was born in Tours, France about 708. She was also extraordinarily beautiful. Okay, we know that. Oh, she was also fabulously rich. All right, we know that as well. So, you’d think she’d be a hot marriage prospect for all the local barons. Why did she never marry?

3) Mademoiselle Georgia never considered giving up her independence and she had a giant, pet rabbit Snuggles to protect her. How gigantic? Sources yield varying heights from twelve feet tall to the preposterous sixty-seven feet. Given the fact that Snuggles was also a ninja, you can see why the local nobility thought twice before courting her. On it went. Georgia performed scientific experiments. She even invented the briquette for barbecuing while Snuggles swung his one-ton hammer. at local lords and door-to-door salesmen.

4) Then in 732, Abd Al-Raman with his Berber tribesmen invaded the Frankish kingdom. The Franks assembled their forces at Tours under Charles the Pippinid. The Muslim Berbers were famed for their cavalry. The Franks had the fiercest infantry in all of Europe. Unfortunately, the Franks at the time were notorious for their allergy to horses.

5) The Muslims should have won. Europe should now be eating koushry instead of croissants. What happened? Snuggles happened. He shoved his way past the sneezing Frankish infantry and swung his mighty hammer over and over again at the massed Berber cavalry. Soon, the overmatched Berbers fled, but not before one of them shot an arrow through Snuggles’ heart.

6) Two bards saw the battle and would travel the world singing Snuggles’ praises. One settled in America, the other near Russia. Locals impressed by Snuggle’s deeds wanted to renamed their lands after him, but balked at his cutesy name. They settled on Georgia instead and there you have it.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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My Not-To-Do List

NotToDo1

This blog is directly inspired by the talented and hilarious Kathy Minicozzi who was in turn inspired by the renowned humorist David Sedaris.

Here are the things I resolve not to do today. Takes a deep breath. Lets it out. Okay Paul, you cannot do this.

1) I will not cook or eat lutefisk.

2) I will not foment revolution anywhere.

3) I will not lose a sock in the dryer.

4) Because I will not do clothes today.

5) I will not engage in the illicit fruitcake market.

6) I will not voluntarily upgrade any of my electronic devices.

7) I will not race to the be the first to reach the South Pole. I’ve already lost. It happened about a century ago. Why try?

8) I will not attack the weeds in my backyard with my weed whacker for another day. The tenuous truce still holds.

9) I will not sing at any karaoke bar. The whole world rejoices.

10) I will not befriend North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un on Facebook.

11) I will not say, “I love you,” to my printer.

– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doer

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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