Posts Tagged With: haggis

My Not to Do List – 5

NotToDo1

I’m continuing with my virtuous inertia. Here are things I won’t be doing or eating today.

1) I will not cook or eat lutefisk. Cooking lutefisk in banned by the Geneva Convention. It looks like boogers, smells like a rat crawled on top of furnace and died, has the consistency of phlegm, and is otherwise unpalatable.

2) I will not make or eat haggis. This Scottish delicacy is an intestine stuffed with innards. Eating this food made the Scottish warriors tremendously fierce. The only reason the Scots didn’t conquer greats swaths of the world is because they kept coming up against the Vikings who ate lutefisk.

3) I will not cook or eat liver and onions. This culinary atrocity is a favorite of college cafeterias everywhere is the real reason why some 50% of students never graduate.

4) I will not eat VegamiteTM. The stench from this dried veggie/yeast paste can wake up people on the second floor even if all doors are closed. In grad school, a housemate didn’t properly put the lid back on. I had to go downstairs and . . .  I can’t go on. The memory. Augh! The memory.

5) I will not prepare food with a penguin. They have definite culinary ideas and will end up taking over your kitchen.

– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doerCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com.

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My Not-To-Do List – Part 2

NotToDo1

I have a will of iron. When I resolve not to do something, it stays undone. Here are things I shall not do today.

1) See my dentist.

2) Schedule a colonoscopy. (I’m not in the mood for deep insights to myself.)

3) Reorganize my office.

4) Dance the polka with Vladimir Putin. (I will not dance with any quasi-dictator who invades countries. I just won’t.)

5) Dance on the ceiling. (We have gravity in my fair city of Poway. It isn’t possible.)

6) Run the Marathon.

7) Or even the half-Marathon.

8) Conjugate verbs in Portuguese.

9) Appear in any on-Broadway musical.

10) Read the entire consent form on any website.

11) Eat or cook haggis.

12) Make at not-to-do list with thirteen items.

– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doerCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com.

 

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Bad Artist #24, Resolutions

BadArtist24RESOLUTIONS HAIKU #1

I won’t eat any

Lutefisk, mushrooms, and haggis

No matter how tempted.

 

RESOLUTIONS HAIKU #2

I hereby resolve

Not to misplace my glasses

More than once daily.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

 

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

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