Posts Tagged With: computers

Soul Crunching Computers

 

EvilComputer-

Computers that take forever to load, freeze, or crash make you cuss. Repeatedly. They make you say horrific things that will cast your soul down to the fiery pits of Hell. You don’t want to go there, it’s unambiguously bad. Think of a presidential debate that never ends. But you can’t survive without your Facebook and kitchen pictures. What can be done?

When buying a computer, look for the following five characteristics:

  1. It works.
  2. It works.
  3. It works.                                                                                                    If you see this, it’s already too late.
  4. It works.
  5. It works.

For pity’s sake do not purchase a computer lacking any of the above five points. A working computer will give you a chance to go to Heaven. A bad computer will send you to Hell. Choose wisely.

– Paul R. De Lancey, computer owner

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

When My Family Stopped Ruling the World

Napoleon

200 years ago my great, great, great, great grandfather, Napoleon I, lost the battle of Waterloo. In doing so, he lost control of Europe, his position as emperor of France, and my birthright to rule France and intimidate the rest of the world. Bummer. But it’s fun to speculate what I would do if I were emperor. Let’s go! I’d:

1) Ban lutefisk. How how did we allowed this atrocity to go unchecked?

2) Abolish all Federal income taxes.

3) Impose imperial income taxes. We’re an empire now, remember?

4) Coffee trucks will cruise by the millions around all neighborhoods in the morning. This will increase productivity to an amazing extent, heralding in a new era of prosperity.

5) The Cubs will win the World Series. Imperial decree seems to be the only way to bring this about. Besides, Cub fans have suffered a lot.

6) Grade inflation will stop in schools. Teachers will get paid more. Bacon & Chocolate will be part of school lunches.

7) It will be illegal to advertise any story or post on the internet with, “You won’t believe” or “what happens next will shock you.

8) Twizzlers will become the world’s currency.

9) Tacos will be free everywhere on my birthday.

10) Computers will no longer freeze.

11) Spammers will be charged a penny for every person they spam. This will eliminate the need for income taxes. Yay!

12) People who don’t signal before they turn will spontaneously combust.

13) Air travel will be fun. Okay this last one is a stretch.

– Paul R. De Lancey, Emperor of the World

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Doctor Economics – What We Should Do With Spammers

Penny

What is the most annoying aspect of our lives? It is, of course, spam on our computers. Spam is broken down into three basic types: ViagraTM, ways to lengthen your penis, and offers to inherit money from an ex-Nigerian dictator. All of this is only really useful to the kin of Nigerian dictators who are trying to finance penis-enhancement operations. And how many of us fit that description?

How about eat the spammers? Only four problems occur to me. First cannibalism in illegal in all fifty states. (I’m reasonably sure there’s religious exemption for this.) Second, how do we find the spammers? Third. what wine goes with grilled spammer? Merlot? Zinfandel? There are no books for this.

So, cannibalism is out. I never had much stomach for it anyway. I therefore propose a fee on all e-mail. Now hold your horses partner, let me finish. It would only be a small fee, say one cent per 100 e-mail recipients. If you only sent e-mail to five people each day, your annual fee would come to 18c. Affordable, you bet.

But what about the billions of dollars that would flow into the Federal Coffers from this levy? I’m glad you asked. Here are my suggestions.

1) Reduce the Federal deficit.

2) Bacon and chocolate for everyone.

3) Reduce taxes.

4) Subsidize the CowboyMetricsTM Society. (Helping out the statistically challenged kids of cowboys everywhere.)

5) Bacon and chocolate for everyone.

6) Lower the price of cell-phone plans.

7) Add gourmet lunches to all school cafeterias.

8) Jail cells for all those who don’t make their choices before getting to the fast-food counters.

9) Jail cells for all those who block the aisles in supermarkets with their carts.

10) Teaching quilt making to all the people who soon be in our prisons.

11) Develop computers that never freeze.

12) Bacon and chocolate for everyone.

– Paul De Lancey, Dr. Economics

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: finance, humor, politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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