Posts Tagged With: Fiji

Tourist Spots for the Extreme Introvert

People-free paradise

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You say you’re an introvert? You say you really hate crowds? You hate them more than lutefisk, filing taxes, and paper cuts? Are you oh so wary of catching a pandemic virus, or even a three-week cold? But you also like to travel?

I’m glad you spoke up. Here are the most beautiful, least tourist-ridden spots in the world. My rankings:

1. Naru

This island paradise gets only 200 tourists a year. Granted that’s 199 visitors a year more than you’d like, but you have to remember that you’ll be one of the 200. People don’t go there because it’s tiny, covering 8 squares miles. Although, this means you don’t have to go far for anything. The beaches are incredibly beautiful and uncrowded. Go there. Go there!

2. Tuvalu

This beautiful speck of land, hardly bigger than a burrito, manages to take in only 1,000 tourists a year. It would receive more visitors, but it’s so hard to get there; only a few sporadic flights connect it with Fiji. That’s great news for us. It keeps the riff raff away. Very few loud oafs infest the island oh so gorgeous beaches and the locals are so laid back that it’s quite easy and stress free to avoid them. Go there soon as global warning may drown this introverts’ paradise. Tuvalu would have easily gotten out number-one rankings if its annual mob of tourists hadn’t exceeded Nauru’s by 800.

3. Kiribati

Kiribati’s splendidly attractive. The life style is relaxed. The beaches are pristine and mostly uninfected by clamorous tourists. The gently swaying palm trees lull you into blissful tranquility. Unfortunately, the atoll-nation attracts 6,000 tourists per annum. That’s too many for us. We must regretfully assign a low ranking to Kiribato. Even so, you might want to go there once before rising water levels submerge the country forever. (The government actively considers relocation to other islands for its people.)

4. Montserrat

A huge volcanic eruption devastated this island in 1995. The southern half of the island was covered in ash and declared uninhabitable. The thriving musical culture got wiped out. So, fewer tourists came to once-island paradise. However, this will make a visit here more attractive. On the other hand, 7,000 clods visit the site every year. Fortunately, they tend to only clog up spots near the volcano. Apparently, people like to see towns and countrysides blanketed with ash. On the third hand, this strange behavior is a boon to us. We get the beautiful beach and wondrous scenery in the untouched north all to our selves.

5. Niue

This pretty little island is just the place for people-hating adventurers. It’s splendidly isolated from the world’s people-teeming nations. It’s beaches are few, small, and hard to get to. But how beach do you need when you’re by yourself, and at most, with one significant other? This little speck of lands is just the thing for divers. Nowhere else on Earth can you explore as many uncluttered underwater tunnels and caves. Supposedly, there’s internet connection all over the island. So if you must contact someone, you can do it at a blissful distance. However, 7,000 tourists manage to get there every year. So, Niue only manages to beat out Somalia and North Korea.

6. Somalia

This African nation is just the spot for tourist-hating travelers. Just 500 people visit the land’s beaches and haunting landscapes. Since, Somalia is a fairly big nation, this means the probability of running into any of the perhaps dozens of tourists there at any one time. On the other hand, it’s not much of a nation. The authority of the central government remains quite limited. The downsides to visiting Somalia are: political instability,  extremists running amok, and military coups. Still there are many forsaken, beautiful landscapes to behold if you’re willing to stock up and rent an all-terrain vehicle. Hey, it’s better than North Korea.

7. North Korea

You might be surprised that we included this country in our introverts’ must-see sites. This country steadfastly remains at the top-of-the-top list for its capricious, brutal dictatorship, rampant human rights violations, and annual food shortages. Paradoxically, these factors earn it a spot on our lists as these frankly horrible attributes keep the number of visitors down to 6,000. Oh and I forgot, you can’t go anywhere without a guide. If you talk to locals, the omnipresent police will kick you out of the country and possibly jail the local you spoke to. You should also assume your hotel room will be bugged.  There are no palatable restaurants. It’s airline, Air Koryo,  consistently wins the award for the world’s worst burger. It’s strange to say then that Air Koryo is North Korea’s primary attraction. There is simply no other airlines that give you a glimpse into what budget air travel was 70 years ago. Still, it’s hard to overcome the nation’s faults and the fact that you will be traveling in an airplane rife with tourists. We easily gave North Korea our worst rating. I mean, it’s like Somalia with 5,500 extra tourists. Brr!

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: international, things to see and do | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Paul the Liberator

Independence Fireworks

By far, the greatest number of nations achieving independence has occurred in my lifetime. It’s true. You can look it up. I am, of course, rather humbled by this knowledge. I don’t recall having much direct influence on this march to freedom but nevertheless, it has happened concurrently with my existence. I can only surmise that my life has always been a  beacon of hope to people in downtrodden lands.

I see a Nobel Peace Prize in the near future.

For the record, countries achieving independence since my birth are:

Togo
Guinea
Madagascar
Mali
Senegal
Ivory Coast
Niger
Cameroon
Togo
Madagascar
Democratic Republic of Congo
Somalia
Benin
Burkina Faso
Chad
Central African Republic
Republic of Congo
Gabon
Nigeria
Mauritania
Sierra Leone
Tanzania
Uganda
Burundi
Rwanda
Algeria
Kenya
Malawi
Zambia
Gambia
Zimbabwe
Rhodesia
Botswana
Lesotho
Mauritius
Eswatini (Swaziland)
Equatorial Guinea
Guinea-Bissau
Mozambique
Cabo Verde
Comoros
São Tomé and Príncipe
Angola
Seychelles
Djibouti
Namibia
Eritrea
South Sudan

Antigua and Barbuda
Bahamas
Barbados
Belize
Dominica
Grenada
Guyana
Jamaica
Saint Kitts and Nevis
Saint Lucia
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
Suriname
Trinidad and Tobago

Bahrain
Bangladesh
Brunei
Kuwait
Kyrgyzstan
Malaysia
Singapore
Maldives
Palestine
Tajikistan
Timor-Leste
Turkmenistan
United Arab Emirates
Uzbekistan
Yemen

Belarus
Bosnia and Herzegovina
Croatia
Czech Republic
Estonia
Latvia
Lithuania
Malta
Moldova
Montenegro
North Macedonia
Serbia
Slovakia
Slovenia
Ukraine

Fiji
Kiribat
Nauru
Samoa
Palau
Papua New Guinea
Solomon Islands
Tonga
Tuvalu
Vanuatu

Armenia
Azerbaijan
Cyprus
Georgia
Abkhazia
South Ossetia
Kazakhstan

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Mumu From Papua New Guinea

Papua New Guinean Entree

MUMU

INGREDIENTSMumu-

8 ounces carrots or 2 medium
8 ounces sweet potatoes or 1 large
8 ounces banana or 1½ medium
8 ounces papaya or ½ medium
4 ounces spinach
12 ounces pork
6 ounces peas or similar green vegetable
12 ounces chicken
1 or 2 banana leaves or cabbage leaves* (enough to cover pot)
20 ounces coconut cream total (5 times at ¼ cup) or 2 14-ounces cans coconut milk.

Makes 6 bowls. Takes 2 hours.

SPECIAL UTENSIL

outdoor grill
grill-safe pot and lid

PREPARATION – COCONUT CREAM (If you can’t find it in stores.)

Chill coconut milk cans in refrigerator for 24 hours. Open cans and scoop out the thick cream on the top. Keep 20 ounces, or 2½ cups, of coconut cream. Use the rest of the coconut cream and the liquid in the bottom of the cans to make coconut-based smoothies

PREPARATION – ONCE YOU HAVE COCONUT CREAM.

Wash and peel carrots, sweet potatoes, banana, and papaya. Remove papaya seeds. Chop carrots, sweet potatoes, pork, bananas, papaya, peas, and chicken into 1″ cubes.

This dish is made with 5 layers. Spread ingredients evenly for each layer. Top each layer with ¼ cup of coconut cream. Make the first layer by adding carrot and sweet potato to pot. Make the second layer by adding pork. Make the third layer by adding banana and papaya. Make the fourth layer by adding chicken. Make the fifth layer by adding peas and spinach. Top everything with banana leaves.

Cover pot and place on grill. Never stir ingredients. Grill on medium heat for 15 minutes or until you see juices bubble. Reduce heat on grill to low and simmer for 1-to-1½ hours or until everything is done to your liking. Okay, okay, you’ll to take a fork and peek and the doneness of the various layers, but no stirring.

TIDBITS

1) The stability of the entire world is threatened by an emerging superpower, Papua New Guinea. Hah, you say. Where is Papua New Guinea? North of Australia. What does it produce? Rain and mud, according to Allied soldiers fighting there in World II. What could such a country do? Buy a lot of SPAM or … conquer the Pacific Ocean.

How? I’m glad you asked. Culinary historians know the best mud for beauty care comes from Papua New Guinea, or PNG. The demand for this mud in American and European spas grows fantastically every year. Soon, PNG will be awash with the world’s money. PNG can then allocate its new billions to buy used aircraft carriers, fighter planes, bombers, tanks, and landing craft listed irresponsibly on eBay.

2) This is where the nightmare starts PNG has a population of 4,600,000. (I counted them twice last Tuesday.) Even if the country puts just 10% of its people in the military, it will have a striking force of 460,000. Who has the population, the might to stop them? Not neighboring Nauru with its tiny population of 11,000 and maybe soldiers.

3) Emboldened by this easy conquest, Tuvalu, Palau, Marshall Islands, Kiribati, and Tonga, with their combined population of 260,000 will fall like leaves in a Wisconsin autumn. This disaster will have worldwide ramifications. Does anyone doubt the Palauan contingent keeping the peace in The Land of Oz will remain under such dire circumstances? No, they will go home to fight a war of liberation. The whole idea of UN peace-keeping forces will unravel. Minor skirmishes will become full fledged regional wars. So it goes.

4) Soon, Micronesia and Vanuatu will topple. I don’t know much about them so let’s move onto the Solomon Islands and Fiji–biggish but still smaller than PNG. We cannot let these two nations fall. We cannot let PNG monopolize the best snorkeling sites in the world. Have you snorkeled at Key Largo? Well, let me tell you, the snorkeling at Fiji is much better. And by the way, conquest of these countries would enable PNG to block all airborne and seaborne trade across the Pacific. The snorkeling industry and the world economy would collapse.

5) What can Americans do? Simple. Use local mud! Cut off the funds for PNG’s drive for conquest. Insist on backyard mud whenever your toddler makes you a mud pie. Be sure to ask for good ol’ American mud when getting a mud treatment at your spa. It’s good for your face. It’s good for the world.

6) Use the blank space at the bottom of this page to make a mud drawing. Do other cookbooks let you do this? No, I don’t think so.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The New Global Threat

The stability of the entire world is threatened by an emerging superpower, Papua New Guinea.PapuaNewGuinea1

Hah, you say. Where is Papua New Guinea? North of Australia. What does it produce? Rain, mud, and documentaries about newly discovered stone-age tribes within its borders.

What could such a country do? Buy a lot of SPAM or … conquer the Pacific Ocean.

How? I’m glad you asked. Everyone knows the best mud for beauty care comes from Papua New Guinea, or PNG. The demand for this mud in American and European spas grows fantastically every year. Soon, PNG will be awash with the world’s money. PNG can then allocate its new billions to buy used aircraft carriers, fighter planes, bombers, tanks, and landing craft listed irresponsibly on eBay.

This is where the nightmare starts PNG has a population of 4,600,000. (I counted them twice.) Even if it puts just 10% of its people in the military, it will have a striking force of 460,000. Who has the population, the might to stop them? Not neighboring Nauru with its tiny population of 11,000 and maybe soldiers.

Emboldened by this easy conquest, Tuvalu, Palau, Marshall Islands, Kiribati, and Tonga, with their combined population of 260,000 will fall like leaves in a Wisconsin autumn. This disaster will have worldwide ramifications. Does anyone doubt the Palauan contingent keeping the peace in South Ruritania will remain under such dire circumstances? No, they will go home to fight a war of liberation. The whole idea of UN peace-keeping forces will unravel. Minor skirmishes will become full fledged regional wars. So it goes.

Soon, Micronesia and Vanuatu will topple. I don’t know much about them so let’s move onto the Solomon Islands and Fiji–biggish but still smaller than PNG. We cannot let these two nations fall. We cannot let PNG monopolize the best snorkeling sites in the world. Have you snorkeled at Key Largo? Well, let me tell you, the snorkeling at Fiji is much better. And by the way, conquest of these countries would enable PNG to block all airborne and seaborne trade across the Pacific. The snorkeling industry and the world economy would collapse.

What can Americans do? Simple. Cut off the funds for PNG’s drive for conquest. Whenever getting a mud treatment at your local spa, be sure to ask for good ol’ American mud. It’s good for your face. It’s good for world peace.

– Correspondent Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Atty’s Attic Interviews Me!

Atty'sAttic

Paul DeLancey goes above and beyond on this interview. You’re gonna love this guy!

While the Earl of Sandwich earns a spot in any culinary hall of fame, he was indeed a flawed man: opinionated, drunken, corrupt, incompetent, a sex fiend, a Satan worshiper, and all that.

And with that intro welcome Paul to my attic.

Who are you and where did you come from?

I’m Paul R. De Lancey. I was born in Los Angeles. I mostly grew up in Arcadia, California. I lived a year in Australia and three years in the Netherlands. I enjoy humorous novels, science fiction, history, and cookbooks. I also enjoy long walks to the fridge for orange juice.

Obviously you’re a writer, what is the name of your book and the general plot?

The title is “Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World.” It’s a cookbook, so there isn’t any plot, although I do add humorous tidbits at the end of each recipe about the recipe and its ingredients.

Where did you come up with the idea?

I’ve always liked to cook. I had been posting my meals on Facebook and on my blog. People showed interest and even suggested I write a cookbook. So I did.

Which of your characters do you like the most and why?

Again, there are no characters in a cookbook, but I like Mexican food the best.

Too funny, thank you for answering anyway!

Which one do you hate the most and why?

I hate lutefisk. So did the Vikings. The idea of staying put in Scandinavia with its horrible lutefisk made the Vikings so ornery that they invaded and rampaged over Europe for centuries.

You’re stranded on an island and you are granted three things;

The first thing you’re granted is an iPod with only one song loaded, what is it?

The theme song from Barney to motivate me in finding a way off the island.

The second item is a book with the last chapter missing, what is it and who wrote it?

War and Peace by Tolstoy. I Loved it except for the mind-numbingly boring last chapter. I want to thank who ever tore out that last chapter.

And the third thing you’re granted on this island is a lunchbox with a sandwich and a full thermos, yummy, what kind of sandwich and drink would you appreciate?

Philly cheese steak and root beer.

What is the biggest mistake you have made in your life? Not writing or publishing mistake – any mistake. Even if it happened in 3rd grade, I wanna know about it.

Stupidly changing an answer on a national math test in high school at the last second. If I had left it alone I would have gotten national recognition.

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

Not much.

You’re still stranded on that island and two people show up, the character you love the most, and the one you hate the most, and they both know what you said about them. What do you do?

Get them to look for a contact lens in the sand while I sip on the root beer I got earlier in this questionnaire.  Oh, and thank you for the root beer.

Flash round favorites:

Color

Blue

Sound

In my hearing range

Season

Spring. I so wanted to say allspice.

Animal

Cat

Smell

Food cooking

Food

Tacos

Place to visit

Fiji

Place to live

Wherever my family is

Movie

It’s a Gift by W.C. Fields

Alien

Mexican, French, Swedish

Great answer!

Number

5

Writing spot

Fiji

Texture

Smooth

Planet

Earth

And last of all, favorite memory?

Births of my children

Anything else you would like to add?

Vote Bacon & Chocolate in 2016.

And on that note, Paul didn’t have to but he shared a fantastic recipe for us so I do expect you all to try it. Thank you so much, Paul for going above and beyond!

 

American Entrée

 SLOW FRENCH DIP SANDWICHES

french

INGREDIENTS

2 1/2 pounds beef loin top sirloin
1 1/2 pounds beef sirloin tip
1 10.5 ounce can condensed French onion soup
1 cup beef stock or broth
1/2 cup water
8 peppercorns
1 bay leaf
1 teaspoon rosemary
1 teaspoon thyme
2 garlic cloves
1 teaspoon beef base or 1 beef bouillon cube
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1 teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
10 slices provolone cheese or about 10 ounces
5 French rolls

SPECIALTY ITEM

3 quart, or larger, slow cooker.

PREPARATION

Cut the top sirloin and the sirloin tip enough so that it will fit inside your slow cooker and be covered with the liquid you will add later. Dice garlic cloves.

In fact, here comes the liquid now. Pour French onion soup, beef stock, and water into slow cooker. And now for addition. Add peppercorns, bay leaf, rosemary, thyme, garlic, beef base, sea salt, meat spice, and pepper. And wait.

And wait. Oh and the turn the cooker on low for 6-to-8 hours. (Egads, you’ll have time to collect all receipts that you’ve stashed all around the house in preparation for tax time. Then you forgot where you put them. Now you have time to find them. Go! Go! Look for those receipts. I’m with you on this one.)

It really pays to get an early start on this one, especially if you are using your cooker for the first time. Many but not all slow cookers will get the job done on low in 6-to-8 hours. (My crock pot however needs to be set on high to cook anything in less time than it takes a city to repair a major street.)

Use spoon with holes in it to remove beef from cooker to serving bowl. Open French rolls. Put a slice of provolone cheese on each half. Use spoon with holes in it to put a generous portion of beef on the roll. Spoon juice remaining in cooker onto open sandwich. Close sandwich. Spoon more juice onto closed French roll. Eat. Dream of Heaven.

TIDBITS

1) The sandwich was invented in 1762 when the Earl of Sandwich was too busy to leave the gambling table to eat. Instead, he had a waiter bring him roast beef between two pieces of bread.

2) See, gambling has been good for society.

3) Indeed, many people believe professional sports came into being because gamblers hired players to be on the team they were backing with their bets.

4) The Earl asked for slices of bread to keep the grease from the roast beef from marking the playing cards.

5) While the Earl earns a spot in any culinary hall of fame, he was indeed a flawed man: opinionated, drunken, corrupt, incompetent, a sex fiend, a Satan worshiper, and all that.

6) There is no word, however, if he over spiced.

7) But he did weaken the Royal Navy to such an extent that the French Fleet beat it in 1781, ensuring America’s victory in the American Revolution.

8) A lot to think about when you bite into your next sandwich.

website: www.lordsoffun.com

blog: pauldelancey.com

Thank you so very much for coming to cook for us today. My attic smells wonderful!

Thank you, Atty!

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Orange Fool Dessert

Fijian Dessert

ORANGE FOOL

INGREDIENTSOranFoo-

1 cup pulp-free orange juice
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 cup sugar
2 cups milk
1/2 cup cream
3 eggs
whipped cream

PREPARATION

Put orange juice, nutmeg, cinnamon, sugar, milk, cream, and eggs in 2-quart saucepan. Cook on medium heat for about 15 minutes and stir constantly. Do not let it boil or burn. It is done when the mixture is as thick as cream, all the egg bits are cooked, and when you do not see smooth yellow liquid when you stir. Clearly, this dish, while easy, requires a lot of attention near the end.

Be sure to taste mixture at this point to see if you want to add more sugar. People’s opinions about the correct sweetness of this dish vary considerably.

Pour into glass cake dish and chill in refrigerator. Put chilled mixture in blender and blend the heck out of it. Pour into short glasses or mugs. Squirt whipped cream on top until you are happy with the universe.
TIDBITS

1) A fool is a kind of custard or clotted cream.

2) Orange in Dutch is sinasapple which means “Chinese apple.”

3) Orange sodas in The Netherlands are not orange in color but clear.

4) Fiji has won the world championship in rugby.

5) When I was nine, my family moved from California to Australia. Our plane stopped briefly in Fiji. One of my parents got off the plane and brought me back a Fijian coin. I did not get to disembark. Thirty-one years later, I returned to Fiji to honeymoon and stayed ten days.

6) Nothing in the English language rhymes with “orange.” I’ve always thought “Stonehenge” came quite close, but it doesn’t have the official approval of the rhyme keepers.

7) I lived in the Netherlands from 1969 to 1972. If you wish to order french fries with spicy mayonnaise, ask for, “Frites met.” “Frites” is pronounced, “freets.”

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Pineapple Pie

Fijian Dessert

PINEAPPLE PIE

INGREDIENTS

2 egg whites (2 entire eggs used later.)
3 tablespoons sugar

1 1/4 cups minced pineapple (no juice)
1/4 cup pineapple juice
4 tablespoons flour
3/4 cup sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
juice from three limes
2 eggs
1 pie crust

PREPARATION

Combine 2 egg whites (The yolks from these eggs are not used here.) and 3 tablespoons sugar in bowl. Beat until thoroughly mixed. Set aside. Squeeze juice out of three limes. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Heat crushed pineapple and pineapple juice on medium heat. Mix in 4 tablespoons flour, sugar, salt, lime juice, and two entire eggs. Heat and stir constantly until eggs are cooked and the mixture thickens. (The phrase “the plot thickens” is of culinary origin. Well, quite possibly.)

Pour pineapple mixture into pie crust. Make sure surface is smooth. Spread egg white mixture evenly over top. Put pie in oven and bake at 350 degrees for about 35 minutes or until top is golden brown. Take pie out to cool. If the hungry horde will let you, put the cooled pie in the fridge to chill. It’s okay if they don’t. It also tastes great warm.

TIDBITS

1) Jim Carrey’s character in the movie, The Truman Show, dreamed of going to Fiji. I have the identical map that adorns his wall in one scene.

2) Why is “fridge” spelled with a “d,” but “refrigerator” spelled without it?

3) Why is a bicycle feminine in French, but a bike is masculine?

4) The idea behind the FrisbeeTM came from pie tins.

5) “A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.” – Mary Poppins

6) At one time British sailors were called “limeys” because they ate limes at sea. This was done to prevent scurvy.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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