Posts Tagged With: education

I Simplify Darts

Simple, Safe Darts

Has this happened to you? You’re off to the local bar to play for the Dart Championship. You have a five-year old girl, Stella. She adores you. She wants to play darts with you. “You can’t play darts with me, sweetie,” you say, “They serve beer and whisky there. You far too young to drink that stuff. Sorry, you’ll have to stay at home.”

Stella sulks and sulks. In fact, she will sulk every single day until she’s old enough to leave the house. During that time, she comes to learn about and revere Lizzie Borden, the woman who killed both her parents with an axe. Fortunately, you have a time machine. You go into the future and learn of your bloody demise. You recognize right away that you don’t want this.

So,

you buy the little princess her own darts and dartboard. Alas, being five-years old, Stella’s aim is quite poor. Her toss veers wildly off course and skewers Timmy’s right hand. Timmy will never master cursive writing. His classmates will tease him incessantly. Timmy will withdraw into himself. He’ll never write A Blueprint for Resolving All Disputes Everywhere. Without this blueprint, future wars won’t be stopped. Not ever. You go into the future again and are appalled.

So,

you buy Stella, foam darts and a foam dartboard. This time around–Hee hee, see what I did there–she doesn’t hurt anyone. However, add 17 + 3*20 and 13 proves too much for Stella’s young untrained mind. She learns to hate math. She develops a lively hatred for intellectuals and learning in general. Your princess nutures this hatred into a fierce desire to become President, or Prime Minister, if she moves to Britain. Once in power, she’ll completely sever all funding at all levels for education. Her country soon becomes completely ignorant of all things. Soon, the entire nation will be reduced to hunter/gatherers and is living in caves. You see this after travelling once more into the future. You resolve to stop this too as well.

So,

you again make Stella form darts and dartboard. This time, hee hee, the dartboard looks like the one above. Every toss of her dart, results in a score of one or zero. Even your young Stella can add ones and zeros. So, she won’t follow you to the bar. She won’t pierce her brother’s hand with a dart. She won’t reduce an entire nation to caveman status. In fact, Stella will growsup to be incredibly average. She’ll blends into the background and never really get noticed for anything.

But given, her alternative timelimes, you are very happy at that. You might even go to the bar and have two beers to celebrate.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Homework After All These Years

My last homework prior to yesterday was my doctoral thesis, “Official Reserve Management and Forecasts of Official Reserves.” The book ran over 300 pages, featured more equations than you could shake a stick at, researching data from all sorts of official sources such as the International Monetary, survey of the literature, three stage iterative least squares with precautions against heteroskedasticity, serial correlations, Durbin-Watts statistics, graphs, projecting beyond the sample period, and much more.

Then there’s yesterday’s homework assignment from my eye therapy. I had to draw straight lines and color in rectangles without going into the next box. It’s an exercise designed to get my eyes working together again. But it looks suspiciously like one of my First-Grade homework assignments. I’ve come full circle in my education.

First Grade Homework?

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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You’re Grounded For Life by Tim Jones – Book Review

TimCover

Finally, a book about raising kids that makes no attempt to help us. The author, Tim Jones, repeatedly tells us he has no answers. I find that enormously reassuring. I’m not the reason my kids turned out the way they did. I feel so grateful to Tim that I feel the need to father another child just to name it after him. Oh wait, the book reminds us there are no truly good parenting strategies. So I won’t have another kid. Thanks, Tim, you saved me again. This book is really, really, really, really, really funny and I’ve never before rated a book with more than three reallys. Now if you’ll excuse me, Tim, has advised me to come up with a million dollars for my kid’s education. Time to look under those sofa cushions for loose change.

See his book on Amazon.

– Paul R. De Lancey, reviewer

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Spring Rolls (Cha Gio)

Vietnamese Entree

SPRING ROLLS
(cha gio)

SpringRoll-

INGREDIENTS – SAUCE

1/4 teaspoon Thai chili or red pepper flakes or minced serrano
1/4 cup fish sauce or Hoisin sauce
1 tablespoon lime juice
1/4 cup sugar
½ cup water

INGREDIENTS – ROLL

1 ½ ounces cellophane noodles or rice vermicelli
½ pound large shrimp, peeled and deveined
½ pound pork
1 carrot
4 green onion stalks
2 garlic cloves
1 egg
2 teaspoons fish sauce
2 teaspoons Hoisin sauce
1 teaspoon ginger
20 rice wrappers or egg roll wrappers
1 ½ tablespoons sesame oil
2 cups peanut oil as necessary
2 lettuce leaves

SPECIAL UTENSIL

electric skillet

PREPARATION

Combine Thai chili, fish sauce, lime juice, sugar, and water in mixing bowl. Stir with fork until sugar dissolves. Set aside. This is the dipping sauce.

Put noodles in mixing bowl. Add enough water to cover. Let sit for 10 minutes or until noodles become soft and bendable. While noodles are sitting, cut shrimp into eighths and mince pork. Shred or grate carrot. Mince green onion and garlic cloves. Drain water from noodles. Beat egg in small bowl.

Add sesame oil, carrot, garlic, pork, shrimp, fish sauce, and Hoisin sauce to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 10 minutes or until shrimp turns orangish-pink and is no longer translucent. Stir frequently. Add noodles, green onion, and ginger. Cook at medium heat for 2 minutes. Stir frequently. Let cool.

If rice wrapper is hard, quickly run warm water over until it is pliable. (IMPORTANT! Run water over only ONE WRAPPER at a time. If you run water over multiple wrappers at a time or leave the wrappers for any length over time you will get a gelatinous mass that can’t be separated for love or money.) Place rice wrapper on board. Brush edges of rice wrapper with egg. Add 1/4 cup of pork/shrimp/veggie/noodle mix to center, bottom third of rice wrapper. Fold in sides to form 3″ long roll. Roll up rice wrapper from bottom. Brush remaining corner with egg. Repeat until you run out of rice wrappers or pork/shrimp/veggie/noodle mix.

Set electric skillet to 375 degrees. Put a drop of water in skillet. When drop starts to bubble or move around, add up to 2 cups of peanut oil as necessary. Carefully add 8 egg rolls to skillet at a time using tongs. Fry egg rolls for 2-to-3 minutes or until they turn golden brown. Turn egg rolls. Once. Remove and place on paper towels to drain grease. Repeat until all egg rolls are fried.

TIDBITS

1) Vietnam is an anagram for Mite Van.

2) Most mites are way too small to drive a van safely.

3) Or even pedal a bicycle.

4) Vietnamese policemen are banned from wearing dark sunglasses while on duty. This is because you really need to see well to see a mite driving a van illegally. A drunken mite would make for a particularly poor driver.

5) If you are a mite and you want to hit the hard stuff, consider drinking ruou ran (snake wine.) This wine comes with a pickled snake inside the bottle. It is supposed to be able to cure any illness.

6) Giving snake wine to all the sick people of the nation would be a unique national health program. The National Health Care Dispensaries, formerly known as bars and liquor stores, would sell the wine direct to the public.

7) This plan would require no tax dollars from the government. Households would be freed from spending 14% of their income on health care.

8) The Federal Government could use all the money it saves to pay down the debt, invest in infrastructure, and conduct energy research. People would spend their windfall on college education for their kids, provide for their retirement, and buy bacon.

9) With people’s retirement completely assured, we wouldn’t need to contribute to social security. Indeed, the government could then distribute all the money we having coming to us. We’d buy cars, homes, and doughnuts. The surging demand would force businesses to hire every worker they could find and at a high wage. Higher take home pay would mean more spending. To meet this spiraling demand, businesses would want to investment massively for the future. Massive future investment means full employment forever. I see a Nobel Prize in Economics coming for me very soon.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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