Posts Tagged With: De Lancey

How The British National Election Will Give Me Super Powers

Posted on May 9, 2015 by pauldelancey

According to USA Today on May 7, 2015, Britain’s Green Party held one seat in Parliament. There were much larger parties holding many more seats vying for control of the country’s destiny. However, they are of no interest to us and we shall ignore them.

The main thing to notice is that Other Parties held 27 seats. According to USA Today, other parties “Includes smaller parties from Northern Ireland, Wales, and Independents.” Okay fine, but what is smaller than one? Zero! (Okay, 1/2 is smaller than one. But you can’t have half a politician sitting* in Parliament or in the United States Congress for that matter. The incomplete he or she would die. It would be messy. Moreover, even though partial politicians are not specifically excluded from winning office in any country on this planet, there does seem to be a rather strong unwritten rule about it.)

Okay, now it gets exciting. USA Today claimed that the Other Parties, as of May 7, held a total of 27 seats in Parliament. How on Earth is that possible if all the Other Parties have zero members sitting* in Parliament? Is the sum of zeroes greater than 27? YES, dear reader 0 + 0 + 0 = 0 > 27 or alternatively 0>27. Half of 0 is o. Half of 27 is 13.5. So 0>13.5. In fact, zero is greater than any positive number. Woo hoo, then line of thinking is quite exhilirating, liberating even.

0 > 1, 0>2 . . .

This is where I acquire super powers. SupermanTM flies at let’s say, 100 miles per hour. I admit it; I fly at zero miles per hour. But we’ve just proved that 0>100. I CAN FLY FASTER than Superman. Superman can lift 2 tons of steel. I can easily lift o tons of steel. 0>2. I can hoist more than Superman. I AM STRONGER THAN SUPERMAN. I am mightier than Superman.

Do not worry. I shall use my superpowers for good, unless of course, you block the aisles at the supermarket with your shopping cart. Then you will be toast.

* = Members of Parliament are allowed to stand and move around. They do not have to sit all the time. Sitting in Parliament is just a phrase that has gotten a lot of currency.)

– Paul De Lancey, Superhero

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com,

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: humor, politics | Tags: beneficial, Britain, British, Congress, De Lancey, Green Party, murders, Northern Ireland, parliament, Superman, superpowers, United States, Wales | Leave a comment

Pancho (Uruguayan Hot Dog)

Posted on May 3, 2015 by pauldelancey

Uruguayan Entree

PANCHO
(hot dog)

INGREDIENTS

1 small onion
1½ tablespoons vegetable oil (additional 2 tablespoons later)
2½ tablespoons ketchup
2½ tablespoons mayonnaise
2 corn cobs
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
4 quarter pound hot dogs
4 pan de Vienna or hot dog buns (should be smaller than the hot dog)
⅓ cup mozzarella
1½ tablespoons yellow mustard

PREPARATION

Dice onion. Add onion and 1½ tablespoons oil to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat or until onion softens. Removed sautéed onion and set aside. Add ketchup and mayonnaise to small bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. (This ketchup/mayonnaise mix is called “salsa golf.”)

Use brush to coat corn cobs with 2 tablespoons vegetable oil. Grill corn cobs on barbecue grill on high or 475 degrees for about 10 minutes or until corn starts to char. Turn cobs occasionally. Remove corn cobs and place on plate. Put hot dogs in pot and add water until it covers the hot dogs. Boil water on high heat for 4 minutes. While hot dogs boil, slice kernels from corn cobs. Assemble panchos by putting hot dogs in buns, followed by onion, mozzarella, corn kernels, mustard, and salsa golf.

TIDBITS

1) Pancho is a name. It is also a Uruguayan hot dog. Poncho is something you wear to keep rain off of you if your outside for a long time.

4) Don’t get the two words mixed up. You’ll get weird looks from the staff from even the seediest of restaurants if you order a poncho. Oh sure, they’ll try their best, sautéing the raincoat, but rubber clothin is never tasty. You won’t want to eat it.

5) Nor should you try to wear a pancho while bicycling in the rain. The Uruguayan hot dog simply isn’t big enough to protect you from the downpour. Even wearing dozens of panchos won’t work. The buns will disintegrate from the rain, letting the ketchup, mayonnaise, and mustard stream down all over you. Besides, dogs from miles around will pick up the scent of the hot dogs and chase you until you crash. Vocabulary is important.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: bicycling, buns, Chef Paul, cookbook, corn cobs, De Lancey, entree, hot dog, pancho, poncho, rain, recipes, Uruguayan, water | 1 Comment

Gabonese Fried Bananas

Posted on May 2, 2015 by pauldelancey

Gabonese Dessert

FRIED BANANAS

INGREDIENTS

8 ripe bananas
1 egg
2 tablespoons orange juice
¾ cup bread crumbs
½ cup vegetable oil
½ cup brown sugar
1 cup sour cream

SPECIAL UTENSIL

cookie sheet
no-stick spray

Makes 8 plates. Takes 35 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Peel bananas and cut them in half along their length. Add egg and orange to mixing bowl. Blend with whisk. Coat banana halves in egg/orange juice mix. Roll coated banana halves in bread crumbs until they are completely covered.

Add vegetable oil and crumb-covered 5 or 6 banana halves to pan. Sauté on medium heat for 5 minutes or until they turn golden brown. Turn twice to ensure even browning. Spray cookie sheet with no-stick spray. Place sautéed banana halves on cookie sheet. Repeat for two more batches. Bake banana halves at 350 degrees for 5 minutes.

Put 2 baked banana halves on each plate. Top each banana half with 1 tablespoon sour cream and ½ tablespoon brown sugar.

TIDBITS

1) According to essentials facts about Gabon, the lowest points in the country are zero meters above sea level. Many people call these low points, beaches.

2) Eighty percent of all gorillas in Africa reside in Gabon, which is an anagram for No Bag,

3) Most caves in Gabon are unexplored, quite possibly because angry gorillas might be hiding in them. Why are the beasts so angry? Because, again according to essential Gabonese facts, the country is always hot and humid.

5) Heat suffering gorillas should take up zero-altitude surfing. Where would an 800-pound gorilla surf? Anywhere it wants. But then we could explore more caves. So, it’s all good.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: Africa, bananas, caves, Chef Paul, cookbook, De Lancey, dessert, Gabon, Gabonese, gorillas, recipes, surfing | Leave a comment

Proof That Extraterrestrials Walk Among Us

Posted on April 27, 2015 by pauldelancey

For a number of days now, WordPress has been showing more visits to my blog than the sum of all visits from all countries and regions on our planet. If a visitor to my blog is not from Earth then he/she/it must be a SPACE ALIEN!

And the space aliens want to read my blog. My blog! MY GOSH! MY GOSH! The pressure! I’m hyperventilating! I’m ending all my sentences with exclamation points! Okay, calm down, Paul. You can do this.

Resolved, from now on, all my posts will be of the highest quality. They will be extremely interesting. They will so enthrall extraterrestrials that they will never entertain any thoughts of annihilating us. Indeed, I hope to make them so happy, to tickle their funny bone, wherever that may be, so much that they will reveal to us the ultimate secret of the universe; where do our socks go when then disappear from our clothes dryer?

I sense a Nobel Peace Prize in my future.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: humor | Tags: Christmas, clothes dryer, De Lancey, Earth, extraterrestrials, intergalactic, murders, Nobel Peace Prize, peace, socks, space alien, universe | Leave a comment

Uitsmijter (Dutch Ham and Egg Sandwich)

Posted on April 26, 2015 by pauldelancey

Dutch Entree

UITSMIJTER
(Ham and Egg Sandwich)

INGREDIENTS

1 teaspoon butter (1 additional tablespoon later)
2 slices white bread
1 tablespoon butter
2 eggs
4 slices or 4 ounces ham
2 ounces Gouda, Edam, or cheddar cheese
4 thinly sliced cucumber circles
dash of salt
dash of pepper

Makes 1 sandwich. Takes 10 minutes.

PREPARATION

Lightly toast bread. Smooth 1 teaspoon butter on butter slices. Add 1 tablespoon butter to pan. Melt butter using medium heat. Add 2 eggs. Cook eggs sunny-side up using medium to your desired level of doneness. (Dutch restaurants usually have the eggs be runny.) Add ham, cheese, egg yolk-side up, and cucumber circles to bottom slice of bread. Sprinkle pepper and salt to egg. Top with second slice of bread.

TIDBITS

1) Tired of square hotels rooms? Why not visit the Dutch city of the Hague? Bed down in your own orange escape pod for the night. Yes, get rocked to sleep as your round pod gently rocks in a canal. Or not so gently, if a speed boat zips by. These rooms come with all the bars and amenities that can be fitted in a space eight feet wide. If you want to feel like Captain Nemo or James Bond ejecting from a spacecraft with a beautiful Russian spy, this is the overnight stay for you.

2) It’s no surprise that the Netherlands designed bobbing pod hotels. It’s also the birthplace for the 85-foot tall yellow rubber ducky that is being towed around the world for its healing properties. We may even feel so good that world peace might break out. Indeed, the creator’s giant ducky has been successful, scarcely anyone recalls the giant rubber frogs and bunnies he created.

3) And speaking of toys, a Dutchman is launching an exciting, new website. It will be designed for bashful people who desired the latest in sex toys. Modest browsers will be relieved to know that the site will have no nudity or even bad language.

4) Then’s there that giant blue UFO that was photographed over the Netherland’s main government building. It just shows you how anything can happen in politics. Look for its return from the safety of your escape pod.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: bunnies, Chef Paul, cookbook, cucumber, De Lancey, Dutch, egg, entree, escape pod, government, ham, Netherlands, recipes, restaurants, rubber ducky, Russian, sandwich, sex toys, The Hague, UFO, uitsmijter | Leave a comment

The Suicidal Ants of Poway, California

Posted on April 20, 2015 by pauldelancey

Was it a sign of the end of the world? Should we stocking up on mini-tacos? All I know for sure is that in my town of Poway, cultural an and capital of San Diego County, the ant population plunged last week. Specifically, they died in my refrigerator, in my freezer.

Why did they do that? Was it a long-postponed attempt to lay a guilt trip on me for that childhood ant farm where they all died? Honestly, I didn’t mean it. Perhaps I filled my farm with soldier ants from differing colonies. I’ll just have to live with the horrible uncertainty for the rest of my life.

Why did they commit suicide where they did? For a full day they streamed into the freezer section to meet their icy deaths. Who among us can really feel an ant’s angst” Were they exo-skeletal weary of the daily, relentless onslaught of spiders, lizards, Rustler’s Round UpTM ant traps, and the terrifying stomping action of the human’s foot? Did they finally say, “Enough, cruel word!” The Ant’s Graveyard

Or was Norway stirring things up again? After all, this country brought us Viking raids and lutefisk, the worst-tasting, smelliest, glueist food the world has even seen. Perhaps Norway’s dysfunctional lemmings infected Poway’s ants with their morose attitudes? Before the days of cable TV, I doubt may Powegian ants ever heard of suicidal lemmings. Now, look what happens.

Mass extinctions of species by suicide. It might be the end of the world. Bummer. Or maybe, I’ve just invented a better ant trap.

– Paul De Lancey, Mighty Hunter

Categories: humor | Tags: ants, Beneficial Murders, cable TV, California, Christmas, De Lancey, lemmings, lutefisk, mighty hunter, Norway, Poway, Powegian, refrigerator, San Diego, suicidal, thriller, Viking | Leave a comment

Aioli Sauce

Posted on April 19, 2015 by pauldelancey

French Appetizer

AIOLI SAUCE

INGREDIENTS

4 garlic cloves
4 egg yolks (possibly 1 more)
½ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon white pepper
1 cup extra virgin olive oil (1 additional cup later)
2½ teaspoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon warm water (possibly ½ teaspoon more later)
1 cup extra virgin olive oil

SPECIAL UTENSILS

mortar and pestle or garlic press

Makes 2 cups. Takes 15 minutes.

PREPARATION

Peel garlic cloves. Crush garlic cloves with mortar and pestle or garlic press. Add egg yolks, crushed garlic, salt, and pepper to mixing bowl. Blend gently with whisk. Slowly add in 1 cup olive oil, whisking gently, but constantly. There should only be a thin drizzle of olive oil going into the mixing bowl. This process should take minutes. If you hurry the olive oil, you’ll just end up with a liquidy something. Then you’ll wander aimlessly in the nearby woods shouting, “Why? Why?” over and over again.

Add lemon juice and warm water, whisking constantly. Slowly add in remaining 1 cup olive oil, whisking gently and constantly until the oil gets absorbed and mixture is slightly thinner than mayonnaise. If aioli sauce curdles or separates, add 1 egg yolk and ½ tablespoon warm water into second mixing bowl. Beat with whisk. Gradually add curdled or separated sauce to beaten egg in second bowl. Mix gently with whisk. This sauce goes well with chicken proscuitto sandwiches, turkey sandwiches, raw vegetables, and fish.

TIDBITS

1) The Beatles were Britain’s greatest rock-and-roll band. They came to America in 1964 to star on The Ed Sullivan Show. But The Cinq Escargots, France’s greatest rock-and-roll band, had been Mr. Sullivan’s first choice. And why not? These jaunty musicians had electrified Gallic crowds with Je Voudrais un Oeuf and had made all the mademoiselles swoon with the ballad, Farine du Blé.

2) The Cinq Escargots didn’t trust American cooking. They brought their own snails. The snails got loose and stampeded the crowd. The show got cancelled. The Beatles replaced them and became famous. The disgraced Cinq Escargots flew back to France and became mimes.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: history, humor, international | Tags: aioli, America, appetizer, Beatles, Chef Paul, cookbook, De Lancey, Ed Sullivan, escargots, France, French, proscuitto, recipes, sandwiches, snails, virgin | Leave a comment

Salami and Eggs

Posted on April 17, 2015 by pauldelancey

American Entree

SALAMI AND EGGS

INGREDIENTS

3 ⅓” thick slices Hebrew NationalTM salami
2 eggs
¼ teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vegetable oil
1 teaspoon deli mustard (optional)

Makes 1 plate. Takes 10 minutes.

PREPARATION

Make ¼”-long notches around the edges of each salami slice. (This help keeps the salami flat during cooking.) Add eggs and salt to mixing bowl. Blend well with whisk. Add salami slices and oil to pan. Sauté salami slices on medium for 1 minute, flipping once, or until both sides are only slightly browned.

Add blended eggs to pan. Gently lift the salami slices so that the blended eggs can flow underneath them. Cook on medium heat for 1½ minutes or until eggs are golden brown on the bottom. (You might need to lift up the eggs and salami with a spatula to take a look.) Flip eggs and salami over with a large spatula and cook for another 1½ minutes or until eggs are again golden brown on the bottom. Spread deli mustard on top of eggs and salami, if desired.

TIDBITS

1) This dish, salami and eggs, is round and mostly flat. UFOs are round and mostly flat.

2) The salami slices in this entree are clustered in the middle. The UFO’s aliens cluster in the life-support dome, located in the middle.

3) People do not love aliens. They fear them. This is why movies such as War of the Worlds, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and Mars Need Women get made.

4) People love eggs. People love salami. This is why aliens from outer space make their spaceships look so much like salami and eggs. They want to be loved. The space creatures are also bashful and insecure. Which is why they don’t barge in with their massive, powerful death rays and obliterate us.

5) Why would they even consider invading Earth? Ironically, there are no eggs and salami on the aliens’ planets. We should take advantage of the aliens shyness and make the first gesture toward lasting galactic peace by offering them some of our eggs and salami. In return, they would tell us how to get rid of all our pollution and how to cook eggs without having them stick to our pans. How do the aliens know how to cook eggs if they don’t have them? They just do.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, humor | Tags: aliens, American, Chef Paul, cookbook, De Lancey, death rays, Earth, eggs, entree, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Mars Needs Women, peace, recipes, salami, spaceships, UFOs, War of the Worlds | Leave a comment

Noodles With Poppy Seeds

Posted on April 15, 2015 by pauldelancey

Polish Dessert

NOODLES WITH POPPY SEEDS

INGREDIENTS

8-ounce bag egg noodles
¼ cup poppy seeds
2 tablespoons butter
3 tablespoons honey

Takes 15 minutes. Makes 4 bowls.

SPECIAL UTENSIL

spice grinder

PREPARATION

Cook egg noodles according to instructions on bag. While noodles cook, melt butter. Grind poppy seeds thoroughly with spice grinder. Drain noodles. Add ground poppy seeds, melted butter, and honey to noodles. Mix ingredients with fork until well blended.

TIDBITS

1) I was tempted to write, “Toss ingredients,” but I recently saw a football movie and I kept picturing someone tossing the poppy pasta down the length on the kitchen.

2) Pasta football almost caught on during World War II. Real football production had ceased in 1942 due to wartime restrictions. Real footballs became harder and harder to find.

3) Professional football merged to conserve the nation’s dwindling supply of real footballs.

4) But the fans in the cities that lost their teams still wanted to see professional football. Patriotic Polish-American chefs came up with the poppy pasta football. It was enough for the football starved fans. In 1944, the PPPFL, Polish Poppy Pasta Football League was formed.

5) The league was comprised of franchises from: St. Louis, Poway, California, Keokuk, Illinois, Madison, Wisconsin, Taos, New Mexico, and Biloxi, Mississippi. The league did not thrive. The poppy pasta football kept disintegrating in the rain.

6) Then on November 17, 1944 with Keokuk losing to Poway 44 to 13 and three minutes left, Keokuk quarterback, Chris Gashud ate the last football. No football, no more playing. There were no rules to cover this. The game was considered to be the same as a rainout. Losing teams took their cue from this incidents and ate the pasta ball in the final minutes of game after game. The league folded in late December.

7) Isn’t Gashud Swedish for “gooseflesh?” Yes, it is.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, history, humor, international | Tags: Biloxi, California, Chef Paul, cookbook, De Lancey, football, Illinois, Keokuk, Madison, Mississippi, New Mexico, noodles, pasta, patriotic, Polish, Polish-American, poppy, recipes, St. Louis, Taos, Wisconsin, World War II | Leave a comment

Doctor Economics – What We Should Do With Spammers

Posted on April 14, 2015 by pauldelancey

What is the most annoying aspect of our lives? It is, of course, spam on our computers. Spam is broken down into three basic types: ViagraTM, ways to lengthen your penis, and offers to inherit money from an ex-Nigerian dictator. All of this is only really useful to the kin of Nigerian dictators who are trying to finance penis-enhancement operations. And how many of us fit that description?

How about eat the spammers? Only four problems occur to me. First cannibalism in illegal in all fifty states. (I’m reasonably sure there’s religious exemption for this.) Second, how do we find the spammers? Third. what wine goes with grilled spammer? Merlot? Zinfandel? There are no books for this.

So, cannibalism is out. I never had much stomach for it anyway. I therefore propose a fee on all e-mail. Now hold your horses partner, let me finish. It would only be a small fee, say one cent per 100 e-mail recipients. If you only sent e-mail to five people each day, your annual fee would come to 18c. Affordable, you bet.

But what about the billions of dollars that would flow into the Federal Coffers from this levy? I’m glad you asked. Here are my suggestions.

1) Reduce the Federal deficit.

2) Bacon and chocolate for everyone.

3) Reduce taxes.

4) Subsidize the CowboyMetricsTM Society. (Helping out the statistically challenged kids of cowboys everywhere.)

5) Bacon and chocolate for everyone.

6) Lower the price of cell-phone plans.

7) Add gourmet lunches to all school cafeterias.

8) Jail cells for all those who don’t make their choices before getting to the fast-food counters.

9) Jail cells for all those who block the aisles in supermarkets with their carts.

10) Teaching quilt making to all the people who soon be in our prisons.

11) Develop computers that never freeze.

12) Bacon and chocolate for everyone.

– Paul De Lancey, Dr. Economics

Categories: finance, humor, politics | Tags: bacon, cannibalism, cell phones, chocolate, computers, cowboys, De Lancey, dicatators, Doctor Economics, e-email, email, fast food, prisons, school cafeterias, spam, spammers, supermarkets | 2 Comments

Posts Tagged With: De Lancey

How The British National Election Will Give Me Super Powers

0 > 1, 0>2 . . .

Pancho (Uruguayan Hot Dog)