Posts Tagged With: restaurants

Soft Shelled Nuts

 

I. Rumbles from the Deep

My life changed forever when Bert Bivalve, my pet mollusk, announced his attention to form a political party. Bert had trouble communicating as he had no lips with which to form the “m” sound, so necessary in English speech.

He also had a patchy vocabulary due to a lack of a brain. Did you know there is no mollusk equivalent to the word “danger.” What’s the point for a mollusk cannot outrun any predator? However, there are 273 phrases to express the anguish of being eaten by a humongous furry creature with sharp claws. Eventually Bert and I worked out a sign language and so, interspecies dialogue began.

Bert, a cultured soul, had wearied of his benign neglect by humanity. He contacted mollusks all over the world to express his discontent–this explains my huge long distance bills. Thousands echoed Bert’s frustration and disillusionment. With Bert’s encouragement these sea creatures rushed to form debating societies. At first, however, they called these societies “Bicycling Clubs,” so as not to arouse humanity’s suspicions.

At first, these gatherings were chaotic and violent with the ugliest of insults exchanged freely. The phrase, “So’s your mother,” by itself, generated dozens of drunken brawl with gastropods careening into cephalopods. Eventually, cooler shells prevailed and organizing began.

One momentous day, Chuck Chiton, suggested that they would never get any respect from the politicians inside Washington unless they themselves entered politics. “After all,” he said, “Puerto Rico never got any respect until it became the 51st state.” As you no doubt know, Puerto Rico is not a state. Some think it is this inattention to detail to research that held mollusks back through the centuries.

The mollusks overcame their lack of political knowledge with shrewd business sense. As we all know mollusks are superb lichen harvesters. By skillful manipulation of the lichen markets, the mollusks quietly amassed a huge fortune over the centuries which they quietly deposited in off-shore banks.

These wealthy critters, conservative by nature, initially considered throwing in their lot with the Republican party. Only inopportune anti-mollusk rhetoric by some of the GOP candidates stopped this alliance.

What to do? They couldn’t back the democrats with its welfare society. Why the idea the very idea of a young mollusk just sitting there and doing nothing was disgusting.

Eventually, Sarah Scaphopod raised her hand, figuratively, of course, to suggest they form their own political party. All the mollusks agreed that she had a wonderful idea and brought out the fermented lichen to celebrate.

I laughed, along with the rest of humanity, when the mollusks held their first press conference in Bodega Bay, California. For one thing, how were they going to get enough signatures to be on the ballot in all fifty states.

Well, they had the last laugh. Hell hath no fury like a mollusk mocked. They set the world on its ear with their alliance with Carl Hickham, the billionaire seafood king from Texas. Mollusks control the supply of lichen, the bottom of the food chain in the oceans, and they let Mr. Hickham know it. The crafty critters presented the Texan with an ultimatum, either provide us with machines that help us to write or we’ll let your fish starve. Carl Hickham caved into their demands the next day.

II. One Giant Step for Mollusk

Mollusks from all over the world swarmed the United States. The beaches of Southern California became saturated with walls of mollusks reaching up to ten feet high. Beach merchants complained to the police that these invaders were devastating business. The men in blue sympathized, but pointed out the mollusks had a constitutional right to freedom of assembly.

The mollusks used Hickham’s machine to great effect. Within two weeks they gathered 423 million signatures; which is nine times the total human population of California. In the face of impending molluskan–if that is a word–domination the peoples of California buried their differences with an enormous clam bake that ran the length of the state.

Mollusks reacted to this barbarism by overwhelming and suffocating a dozen surfers off the shore of La Jolla. Some commentators remarked that interspecies warfare signaled the end of the world, while most thought it just an aggressive campaign tactic in the vein of the Willie Horton ads of 1988.

It was pretty much the same in all the coastal states. The mollusks consistently refused to blend into American society. They never bothered to learn English or any other language, save Romanche, an obscure language spoken by a few thousand Swiss.

The Democrats and Republicans united in the face of impending political disaster. Would it be enough? The coastal states were goners, but could they hold onto Middle America? Would the People’s Party prevail?

III. Remember Maine!

The leaders of the People’s Party assembled in Lincoln, Nebraska. Peacemakers solved lingering differences by feeding the chairmen of the old parties to mollusks stationed at Fort Sumter. Voter registration drives began in earnest as everyone did his bit. Negative ads ruled the day. You couldn’t watch tv for more than five minutes without seeing an ad ripping into the mollusks. Do you remember the ad that said “If the mollusks gain power, your daughter will be forced to marry one.” I do.

The mollusks did their best, but so did the humans. The boatmen of Mississippi refused to transport the mollusks. So did the railmen of Texas. The pilots of New Orleans were not tested as mollusks are afraid of flying.

Our defiant stand forced the mollusks to trek overland from California. Have you ever seen mollusks move? Take it from me, it’s not very fast. Weeks later, the mollusks began to die of exhaustion and dehydration. Most died in the middle of Phoenix where they began to decompose. Millions of birds now live in Phoenix, but no people do.

The heartland of American had been saved. But what about Maine and the other coastal states?

IV. The Readers of Nebraska

Remarkably it was the readers of America that rescued our great land. Fortunately, Nebraska, home of sixty percent of all book sales in U.S., remained mollusk free. These readers reminded the politicos that voters must be eighteen and American citizens. Amazingly, no one else had thought of that. Ha, we had the shelled bastards by the balls, or what passed for balls on a mollusk.

Election officials fanned out into all fifty states checking voter registrations. It was always the same; the mollusks were all underage. We struck them off every voting list. The stricken mollusks protested as vehemently as they could, but their protests fell on deaf ears.
We had won, or had we?

V. The California Mollusk Rush

We totally forgot about the stubbornness of your typical Joe Mollusk. They say an elephant never forgets, well an elephant has nothing on a mollusk. I can say with certainty that a mollusk knows as much today as it did a year ago.

Those mollusks–oh dang it, what’s a good synonym for mollusk; how about “invertebrate animals,” well that’s passable–still harbored an abiding hatred for our mistreatment of them. Since, they could not take America by the ballot box, they would take it by force.

Well, we weren’t afraid of those mollusks. Our army would soon make them cry uncle. In fact, our army was singularly unprepared to fight. Three years ago, the Pentagon asked Congress for thirty-two billion dollars for a weapon system to combat crustaceans and mollusks. At the time it seemed like just another example of the Pentagon wasting tax dollars. So, the proposal was defeated. Who knew?

Congress voted again; this time the vote was in favor of making the weapons. But it was too late; the weapons would take two years to develop. In that time, the coastal states would be permanently lost. The mollusks, stinking ‘lusks, were already starting to push the locals around. It was especially bad in California where they restricted surfing to one hour a week, hogged all the good times at all the best seaside restaurants, and darn near monopolized the inland tennis courts.

VI. Wally and the Beaver

Not all Americans gave up so easily. Wally Quoin, a true mountain man from the Sierra Nevada came to our rescue. He suggested that we set all our beavers on those damn ‘lusks. He said beavers love to eat ‘lusks. He also said beavers and ‘lusks have been feuding for centuries, its origin lost in the mist of time.

The President went on tv to tell us of our new allies. As he spoke, rangers in the National Park Service enlisted our friends, the beavers.
Well, you know what happened next. Millions of beavers swarmed the beaches. Their sharp claws broke open the mollusks’ shells to make countless tasty meals.

VII. E Pluribus Unum

We thanked the beavers for saving America. All they asked in return was that we stop logging near their homes. We stopped doing it, for the beaver is our friend forever. Look at the front of your five-dollar bill; you will see a portrait of a beaver.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor, short story | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Great Arctic Eats – Cambridge Bay, Canada

Great Arctic Eats – Cambridge Bay, Canada

Do you like to eat well, but hate crowds? Do you quail at visiting the same local restaurants one more time? Do you wish to chill out in new soundings? Well, I have the place for you. It’s Cambridge Bay in Nunavut, Canada. Chilling out and shunning teeming urbans mobs will be easy peasy in this getaway  above the Arctic Circle.
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There are four restaurants listed in TripAdvisor(tm).  So, the competition for your dining dollars will be fierce. Let’s sample the local cuisine.
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The top rated dining establishment is the highly regarded Kuugaq Cafe. They serve the best muskox that I know of. You simply cannot visit here without dining on their tasty muskox chili and muskox chili. And if you love fish, may I suggest their delicious Arctic Chow chowder? Kuugaq Cafe regales its dinners with superb lattes and baked goods. The owners don’t neglect the international culinary scene either. Try their tasty Trinidad stew and pizza quesadilla.

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Next on our restaurant tour is the fine Saxifrage Resto-Cafe. This cafe cooks great Arctic Char. (I mean Cambridge Bay really is the only place in the world for serious Arctic char connoisseur to visit.)  Saxifrage also delights its customers with juicy hamburgers and truly good fries. This cafe is known for friendly service. The staff also provides Chinese food to go on Sundays 4 to 6 pm. What more could you want? How about free medium coffee with every meal? There you go.
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Winning the culinary bronze medal is Arctic Island Restaurant. It serves a good breakfast. It’s specialties are Caesar’s salad and Black Forest cake. Visiting workers will be pleased to know that they can have their meal waiting for them at their hotel room when they come back from work.

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Honorable mention goes to the KFC/Pizza Hut restaurant. People have complained of its cost, poor quality, and lack of variety. For Pete’s sake people, this KFC/Pizza Hut lies 400 miles north of the Arctic Circle. It’s by far the best fast-food combo that far north. I’m amazed that KFC/Pizza Hut had the courage to build a restaurant in such an isolated place. All their ingredients must be flown in from over a thousand miles away. Not many many vendors of fresh pepperoni near the North Pole.
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Ahem.
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Speaking of flying to Cambridge Bay, the best way to get there really is by airplane. Hikers will surely be discouraged by the miles and miles of open water between the end of the North American continent and Cambridge Bay’s Island. And I have to imagine that you really won’t be able to carry the tons of food you’ll need to get there. No, fly to Cambridge Bay, even if you adore white landscapes. Book that flight to Cambridge Bay Airport (YCB.) You’ll have to fly the last leg by charter. There are no flights that go all the way from your North American metropolis to this Arctic outpost no matter what those air-fare sites will claim.

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Speaking of hikers, lovers of outdoor rambling will love the trail of Ovayok Territorial Park. See the awesome panoramic views, the wildlife, and the trails when the visibility is good.

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You won’t want to miss the Canadian High Arctic Research Station. It’s open to the public. Does your city have an Arctic Research Station open to the public? No, I didn’t think so. You must reserve your guided tour. I never suspected you’d need to do this. Is it like trying to get tickets for the next Star Wars(tm) movie? By all means, make the reservation. You don’t want to sleep outside in a sleeping bag in that frigid air just to reserve your place. Or just show up and look at the station’s brochure.
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Do you hate coming home only to find out that you’ve missed a hot-spot tourist attraction that everyone has raved about? Don’t let this happen to you. Stampede the Arctic Coast Visitor Centre. They’ll fill you in.
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As always, “Good eating. Good traveling.”

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: Arctic eats, hunks, international, things to see and do | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Piri Piri Shrimp

Mozambican Entree

PIRI PIRI SHRIMP

INGREDIENTS

5 garlic cloves
6 piri piri chiles of 6 Thai chiles or 2 teaspoons cayenne pepper)
1 teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons lemon juice
1 bay leaf
10 tablespoons peanut oil
2¼ pounds shrimp (16-to-20 per pound, shelled and deveined)
1 lemon (optional)

SPECIAL UTENSILS

blender
outdoor grill
6 skewers

Serves 6. Takes 10 minutes, then 6 hours marinating, and 10 minutes more.

PREPARATION

Mince garlic cloves and chiles. Add all ingredients except shrimp to large mixing bowl. Stir with whisk or fork until well blended. Add shrimp. Mix with fork until shrimp is well coated. Cover and let marinate in fridge for 6 hours. Keep marinade.

10 minutes before marinating is done, heat outdoor grill to medium heat. Thread 6 shrimps onto each skewer. Grill shrimp for 2 minutes or until it turns pink. Flip skewers over and grill the other side for 2 minutes or until it to is pink. Cut lemon into 6 slices. Serve with lemon slices.

TIDBITS

1) Everyone dueled everyone else in Early Renaissance Italy. These scheduled acts of violence, of course, don’t include impromptu acts of deadly sword fighting that lurked outside your door, in the town plaza, and all points in between.

2) Seafood restaurants suffered the most. They were the farthest businesses from people’s homes. No diner ever got there and back alive. Then in 1493, Giuseppe Carpaccio of Venice, came up with the idea of putting the shrimp he sold on his diner’s swords. His customers couldn’t finish his large portions and staggered home, their sabers still covered in shrimp. You, of course, can’t stab anyone with shrimp. You don’t even feel like killing anyone when your tummy’s filled with yummy shrimp. A golden age of peace descended upon Italy, or until the French invaded a year later. Oh well.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

French Fry Soup

American Soup

FRENCH FRY SOUP

INGREDIENTS

½ pound French fries (leftovers or cooked)
2 cups chicken or vegetable broth
⅛ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
2 green onions
½ cup milk
6 tablespoons sour cream
½ cup cheese, grated (your favorite type)

SPECIAL UTENSIL

food processor

Serves 4. Takes 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add French fries, broth, pepper, and salt to pot. Bring to boil at high heat. Reduce heat to low-medium and simmer for 3 minutes or until fries become quite tender. Stir occasionally. Pour contents into food processor. Puree until smooth. Return contents back to pot.

Dice green onions. Add milk and sour cream to pot. Mix with fork until well blended. Simmer at low-medium heat. Gradually add cheese. Stir constantly until well blended. Simmer at low-medium heat until cheese melts. Stir enough to prevent sticking. Garnish with green onion.

TIDBITS

1) This is an excellent recipe for using up those mounds of French fries you get from eating out. If you go use the drive through at a McDonald’sTM or a Burger KingTM, each and every order of hamburger and chicken sandwich will be met by “Do you want fries with that?” I’ve ever been asked if I wanted fries with that after ordering fries. Being the kind soul that you are, you always say, “Yes.” Soon, you are bringing home enough French fries to catapult a NASATM capsule into orbit.

2) This mania for adding fries extends to formal sit-down restaurants. One has to be quite diligent to find a dish that doesn’t come with a side of fries. Ice cream is the only item that comes to mind.

3) People cannot possibly eat all the French fries they bring home. So they throw it in the trash. A lot of trash makes it to the oceans. Millions of tons of fries congregate to form huge floating islands, large enough for jet fighters. As of now, various countries,–I’m not a liberty to mention them–are eying these French-fry islands as floating air-force bases. Such an increase of air power, particularly in the western Pacific Ocean would certainly destabilize the balance of power over there. This would be dangerous. Prevent war! Use up all your left-over fries with this recipe.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Shrimp With Bell Peppers (Crevettes Aux Poivrons)

Togolese Entree

SHRIMP WITH BELL PEPPERS
(Crevettes aux Poivrons)

INGREDIENTSshrimpwithbellpeppers

2 garlic cloves
1½” ginger root
1 medium onion
1 green bell pepper
1 red bell pepper
1 yellow bell pepper
1¼ pounds shrimp (26-to-30 count, peeled and deveined)
2 tablespoons olive oil

Serves 4. Takes 25 minutes.

SPECIAL UTENSIL

food processor

PREPARATION

Add garlic cloves, ginger root, and onion to food processor. Blend into paste. Seed green bell pepper, red bell pepper, and yellow bell pepper. Cut all three peppers into thin slices. Add olive oil and shrimp to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 1 minute. Flip shrimp over after 30 seconds. Stir frequently. Remove shrimp and place on plate. Keep oil in pan.

Add olive oil and garlic/ginger/onion paste to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 3 minutes. Stir frequently. Add bell-pepper slices. Sauté for at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until pepper slices soften. Stir frequently. Return shrimp to pan and sauté for 3 minutes or until shrimp turns orange on both sides. Stir frequently.

TIDBITS

1) The word “Togolese” comes from the words “to go” and “legalese.”

2) The World Supreme To Go Court presides in Lome, Togo. Why there? Because Africa is the least litigious continent in the world when it litigators go to to-go. And Togo is the least sue-happy country over there. Plus, Togo has great to-go food. Why resolve international to-go lawsuits anywhere else?

3) You can get all sorts of Togolese to-go food from the land’s fine restaurants. However, if you do go to Togo, do go to their excellent shrimp-with-bell-peppers carts. Remember to say “please” and “thank you” or the vendors will biff your nose. But don’t sue them, they know their culinary law.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

South African Bobotie

South African Entree

BOBOTIE

INGREDIENTSBobotie-

2 slices bread
⅔ cup milk (½ cup more later)
1 Granny Smith or other sour apple
1 large onion
3 tablespoons butter
2 pounds ground beef
2¼ tablespoons lemon juice
1½ tablespoons curry powder
½ teaspoon pepper
¾ teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon sugar
¾ teaspoon turmeric
2 cups almonds, quartered or slivered
½ cup raisins
5 bay leaves
1 egg
½ cup milk

SPECIAL UTENSIL

8″ x 8″ casserole dish

Makes 8 plates. Takes 1 hour 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Add bread and ½ cup milk to small bowl. Let bread soak. Peel, core, and dice apple. Mince onion. Add butter, onion, and beef to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens and beef browns. (The universe is continually expending, things are getting farther apart from each other, hence the extra two blank lines after this paragraph.)

Add beef, onion, diced apple, soaked bread, lemon juice, curry powder, pepper, salt, turmeric, almonds, and raisins to casserole dish. Evenly insert bay leaves, tips standing up, throughout casserole dish. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes.

Remove casserole dish. Add egg and ½ cup milk to mixing bowl. Beat with whisk. Ladle egg/milk mix over casserole. Bake for another 15 minutes or until golden brown. Bobotie goes well with rice. However, it goes really, really well with chutney. Omit the chutney and you’ll risk a visit from the culinary police.

TIDBITS

1) There are no gourmet restaurants in space. There once was that orbiting fast-food restaurant called The Outer Limits. It relied heavily on drive-through traffic. It failed. You probably never heard of it.

2) New owners reopened the eatery. This time they added space ports, hoping to get dock-in business from space-shuttle pilots and passengers to and from the International Space Station.

3) It failed as well. Indeed, it never opened. Costs did in this project. The parts necessary to building an up-to-date space docks surprised the eager entrepreneurs. And my gosh, the transportation costs for the materials. Out of this world! Who knew that NASA charged so much to blast off with even the most modest kitchen appliances?

4) Oh, and here is a tip for would be extraterrestrial restarauteurs. When hiring a private company to carry your culinary supplies to your orbiting eatery, don’t hire the shuttle on a mileage basis. The cost will eat you alive. Overtime wages for the shuttle operator are pretty horrific as well.

5) Anyway, there’s a hamburger joint, up there that is fully equipped and ready for business. Make an offer to the bank holding the mortgage. you’ll find it quite easy to work with.

6) I fear I’ve dwelt too long on the costs of operating an off-Earth restaurant.. There are benefits as well. You really don’t need a refrigerator. Simply place your meat, ice cream, etc. outside. The food won’t go bad; the temperature is nearly absolute zero out there. Your restaurant being the only thing of any size in the neighborhood will generate enough gravitational field to carry the food all with it.

7) I do recommend putting all your food in a giant mesh. Picture this. You’re trying to bring inside a rack of ribs. Instead of hooking the ribs you poke them away. The ribs fall out of orbit and hurtle to Earth. Except the ribs don’t make it to Earth. They crash into a satellite on the way down.

8) Only it’s not just any satellite. It’s the one people use to transmit photos of babies, kittens, and puppies to each other. Deprived of their cute pictures, billions of distraught people get into their cars to get the one thing that can ease their pain, a really good burger. And if billions of people turn on their cars at once, the resulting exhaust will cover the world asphyxiating everyone.

9) Social media companies have a reserve satellite permanently on call on a launching pad for this very occasion. They can get a new satellite functioning in space in fifteen minutes.

10) People will probably realize this. Enough of them to avoid suffocating the world. Probably, but do you want to take that chance? So for the future of all of us, please place your out-of-shuttle food in a secure mesh net. Thank you.

11) In the meantime, those wishing to enjoy a fine meal far from the madding crowd, might want to consider heading north, way north. The culinary scene in Svalbard, Norway is vibrant despite being in the land of four-month-long nights and having only 2,642 people. Indeed, the town of Longyearbyen has thirteen fine restaurants. According to TripAdvisorTM, the highest rated restaurant is Huset. It’s also the northernmost gourmet restaurant.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Steak Diane

American Entree

STEAK DIANE

INGREDIENTSSteakDiane-

1½ pounds beef tenderloin, rib eye, or flank
¼ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ cup butter
2 shallots
¼ cup cognac or brandy
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
½ teaspoon lemon juice
2 teaspoons parsley

Makes 6 plates. Takes 40 minutes.

PREPARATION

Slice tenderloin into 36 strips. Rub pepper and salt into tenderloin. Let sit for 10 minutes. Add butter to pan. Melt butter using medium heat. Stir frequently. Add as many tenderloin strips to pan as will fit in a single layer. Sear tenderloin using high heat for about 1 minute until strips are completely brown on bottom. Flip slices over and sear other side. Remove tenderloin from pan and set aside. Remove and set aside melted butter.

Mince shallots. Add shallot, cognac, and Worcestershire sauce to second pan. Sauté at medium heat for 2-to-3 minutes or until liquid has been reduced by half. Stir frequently. Add lemon juice, parsley, and melted butter from first pan. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 3 minutes or until sauce thickens. Stir occasionally. Add tenderloin strips to plates. Ladle sauce over tenderloin slices. Guests who ooh and aah the loudest get the most strips.

TIDBITS

1) Steak Diane is often prepared at restaurants by lighting the alcohol in it. The flames burn off the alcoholic content while preserving the taste. Diners ooh and aah over the pyrotechnics.

2) The waiters who prepare this dish for you at your table are highly trained. Except, of course, for the ones without eyebrows. They are new.

3) Restaurants also have overhead sprinkles and fire extinguishers handy. Most homes do not. This is why this recipe is prepared without flames. Too dangerous.

4) Unless you are faced with a ravenous, blood-thirsty intruder. In that case, invite him to the kitchen for steak Diane. Use a liberal amount of cognac. Encourage the thug to take in the wonderful aroma of the steak strips. Then, pow, set the entree and the brute on fire with a propane torch. The thief will flee and you’ll have a nice, impromptu feast. Invite your friends over. Share your adventure and your culinary creation with them. Life is good.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Uitsmijter (Dutch Ham and Egg Sandwich)

Dutch Entree

UITSMIJTER
(Ham and Egg Sandwich)

INGREDIENTS

1 teaspoon butter (1 additional tablespoon later)Uitsmijter-
2 slices white bread
1 tablespoon butter
2 eggs
4 slices or 4 ounces ham
2 ounces Gouda, Edam, or cheddar cheese
4 thinly sliced cucumber circles
dash of salt
dash of pepper

Makes 1 sandwich. Takes 10 minutes.

PREPARATION

Lightly toast bread. Smooth 1 teaspoon butter on butter slices. Add 1 tablespoon butter to pan. Melt butter using medium heat. Add 2 eggs. Cook eggs sunny-side up using medium to your desired level of doneness. (Dutch restaurants usually have the eggs be runny.) Add ham, cheese, egg yolk-side up, and cucumber circles to bottom slice of bread. Sprinkle pepper and salt to egg. Top with second slice of bread.

TIDBITS

1) Tired of square hotels rooms? Why not visit the Dutch city of the Hague? Bed down in your own orange escape pod for the night. Yes, get rocked to sleep as your round pod gently rocks in a canal. Or not so gently, if a speed boat zips by. These rooms come with all the bars and amenities that can be fitted in a space eight feet wide. If you want to feel like Captain Nemo or James Bond ejecting from a spacecraft with a beautiful Russian spy, this is the overnight stay for you.

2) It’s no surprise that the Netherlands designed bobbing pod hotels. It’s also the birthplace for the 85-foot tall yellow rubber ducky that is being towed around the world for its healing properties. We may even feel so good that world peace might break out. Indeed, the creator’s giant ducky has been successful, scarcely anyone recalls the giant rubber frogs and bunnies he created.

3) And speaking of toys, a Dutchman is launching an exciting, new website. It will be designed for bashful people who desired the latest in sex toys. Modest browsers will be relieved to know that the site will have no nudity or even bad language.

4) Then’s there that giant blue UFO that was photographed over the Netherland’s main government building. It just shows you how anything can happen in politics. Look for its return from the safety of your escape pod.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Serbian Bean Soup (pasulj)

Serbian Soup

BEAN SOUP
(pasulj)

INGREDIENTSSerbianBeanSoup-

3 garlic cloves
1 large onion
1 carrot
1 pound smoked sausage or other smoked meat 2½ tablespoons vegetable oil
2 bay leaves
1½ tablespoons flour
½ tablespoon paprika
1 teaspoon parsley
½ teaspoon pepper
4 peppercorns
15-ounce can cannellini or white kidney beans
2 tablespoons tomato paste
4½ cups water
½ teaspoon salt

Makes 8 bowls. Takes about 1½ hours to make.

PREPARATION

Dice garlic cloves and onion. Cut carrot and smoked sausage into ½” thick slices. Add vegetable oil, garlic, onion, and sausage to large pot. Sauté for 5 minutes on medium-high heat or until onion softens and sausage starts to brown. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to low. Add bay leaves, flour, paprika, parsley, pepper, and peppercorns. Mix to form a paste.

Add water to pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Add beans, carrot, and tomato paste. Stir until paste blends in completely. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 1 hour. Add salt. Mash the beans near the side of the pot to thicken the soup. Now you know beans.

TIDBITS

1) On June 28th, a Serbian nationalist assassinated the Archduke Ferdinand of Austria. This event triggered the horrific First World War. The Archduke had taking a carriage ride.

2) It would have all turned out much differently if the Archduke had been eating Serbian bean soup instead. No one gets assassinated in a restaurant that serves good bean soup. Suppose, you could normally kill someone, just hypothetically mind you. Once you entered the restaurant, the wonderful aromas wafting their way from the soup pots would make you so hungry you’d postpone your murderous deed until you’d have just one bowl, thank you, of wonderful bean soup. And then you’d be so full of good will to all humanity, you couldn’t kill any one. Nor under tip, even. Which is why world leaders always frequent restaurants with good bean soup.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Great Arctic Eats – Iqaluit, Nunavut, Canada

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Hankering for the siren call of Canadian-Arctic cuisine? But also want to trace the failed footsteps of early explorers seeking the fable Northwest Passage? Well then, Iqaluit is a must stop for you.

The highest rated restaurant according to TripAdvisor is 

The Gallery with its superb and varied dishes is the town’s highest-rated restaurant. While dreadfully lost tourists from Indonesia might appreciate its nasi goreng, most connoisseu rs rave about its local dishes such as: musk-ox stew, Arctic cassoulet made from caribou, musk ox, game sausage, bacon, and duck, and of course, its Arctic bouillabaise.

French-food gourmands will certainly want to make the will-sappingly long and expensive flight to Iqaluit to dine at The Granite Room at Discovery Lodge Hotel. And my gosh, burgers lovers take note. The Snack–yes that is its name–has the best burgers ever.

The best Lebanese cuisine in Iqaluit is still found at Yummy Shawarma. Why go all the way to the tumultuous Middle East? Drop in at the Stonehouse & Grill for the artists’ hangout and great bar. Don’t leave  without sitting down at the wonderfully named Kickin’ Caribou for the best poutine in town.

Iqaluit’s restaurants

Enjoyers of dog-team racing and igloo building cannot afford to miss Toonik Tyme. This annual festival runs from April 11 to April 20 and celebrate the Sun’s return. Good morning indeed! The Allaniat Arts Festival goes from June 27 to July 1. Enjoy art, music, film, dance, theater, and … Circus Acts. Arctic Circus! And don’t forget, Iqaluit celebrates Nunavut Day on July 9 with throat singing!,  drum dancing, and traditional cuisine.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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