What is the most annoying aspect of our lives? It is, of course, spam on our computers. Spam is broken down into three basic types: ViagraTM, ways to lengthen your penis, and offers to inherit money from an ex-Nigerian dictator. All of this is only really useful to the kin of Nigerian dictators who are trying to finance penis-enhancement operations. And how many of us fit that description?
How about eat the spammers? Only four problems occur to me. First cannibalism in illegal in all fifty states. (I’m reasonably sure there’s religious exemption for this.) Second, how do we find the spammers? Third. what wine goes with grilled spammer? Merlot? Zinfandel? There are no books for this.
So, cannibalism is out. I never had much stomach for it anyway. I therefore propose a fee on all e-mail. Now hold your horses partner, let me finish. It would only be a small fee, say one cent per 100 e-mail recipients. If you only sent e-mail to five people each day, your annual fee would come to 18c. Affordable, you bet.
But what about the billions of dollars that would flow into the Federal Coffers from this levy? I’m glad you asked. Here are my suggestions.
1) Reduce the Federal deficit.
2) Bacon and chocolate for everyone.
3) Reduce taxes.
4) Subsidize the CowboyMetricsTM Society. (Helping out the statistically challenged kids of cowboys everywhere.)
5) Bacon and chocolate for everyone.
6) Lower the price of cell-phone plans.
7) Add gourmet lunches to all school cafeterias.
8) Jail cells for all those who don’t make their choices before getting to the fast-food counters.
9) Jail cells for all those who block the aisles in supermarkets with their carts.
10) Teaching quilt making to all the people who soon be in our prisons.
11) Develop computers that never freeze.
12) Bacon and chocolate for everyone.
– Paul De Lancey, Dr. Economics
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.