Posts Tagged With: milk

Mexican Tres Leches Cake

Mexican Dessert

TRES LECHES

INGREDIENTSTresLeches-

1 tablespoon cake flour (1 ½ cups more later)
1 tablespoon softened unsalted butter (½ cup more later)
½ cup softened unsalted butter
3/4 cup sugar (½ cup more later)
5 eggs
1 ½ cups cake flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon vanilla extract (1 teaspoon more later)
1 3/4 cups whole milk
1 14 ounce can sweetened condensed milk
1 12 ounce can evaporated milk
1 3/4 cups heavy whipping cream
½ cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

SPECIAL UTENSIL

9″ x 13″ baking pan
electric beater

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Use 1 tablespoon butter and 1 tablespoon cake flour to grease and dust baking pan. Add butter and 3/4 cup sugar to first large mixing bowl. Mix butter and sugar together, using cake or medium setting on electric beater, until butter and sugar become fluffy. Add eggs and 1 teaspoon vanilla extract. Blend again. Add 1/3 of the baking powder and the 1 ½ cups flour at a time to batter. Use blender set on cake after each addition.

Pour batter into baking pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Let cake cool for 30 minutes. Poke cake several times with fork, skewer, or ninja knife. While cake cools, add whole milk, condensed milk, and evaporated milk to second large mixing bowl. (Also clean mixing bowls. As my Grandma Anna use to say, “The outstanding chef’s kitchen is perfectly clean when the dish is served.”) Mix the three milks together with whisk or with electric beater set on fold or low. Pour combined milks evenly on top of cake. Refrigerate cake for 1 hour.

Add whipping cream, ½ cup sugar, and 1 teaspoon vanilla extract to recently cleaned ☺ mixing bowl. Mix with electric beater set on whip or high until topping is thick. Pour topping over cake. Keep tres leches cake refrigerated until ready to serve.

TIDBITS

1) Doesn’t evaporated milk sound as if there should be no milk left? Well, because it’s all evaporated milk.

2) Condensed milk also seems like it should be hard to make. If you were to try condensing a cartoon of milk with, say, a sledgehammer, you’d most likely get milk flying all over the kitchen.

3) Then you’d have to clean up all that milk from the walls.

4) And goodness sakes, you’d be in big trouble if you shattered your sweetheart’s Ming Dynasty Vase on your back swing with that sledgehammer.

5) Best leave condensing milk to the condensed-milk manufacturers. Let them work their magic.

6) But you can safely smoosh a marshmallow bunny with your thumb and index finger.

7) Doing so will give a marshmallow figure that looks like that North Korean dictator, Kim Something.

8) The dour dictator doesn’t have a sense of humor. Maybe we can destabilize his regime by posting Kim marshmallow bunny pictures all over the internet. Maybe we can shake his authority to the point where he flees his country and a democracy takes his place.

10) We will all share in a Nobel Peace Prize.

11) Posting marshmallow bunny pictures can bring down Kim’s Stalinist regime. Remember the power of culinary politics. After all, it was Queen Marie Antoinette’s remark of, “Let them eat cake,” to the starving mobs of Paris that started the French Revolution.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Chicken in Pineapple Boat

Tahitian Entree

CHICKEN IN PINEAPPLE BOAT
(Takia Ni Toa Painaviu)

INGREDIENTSChicken pineapple-

2 large pineapples
3 chicken breasts
½ small onion
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons flour
1 cup chicken stock
3/4 cup coconut milk
½ teaspoon parsley
2 tablespoons cream
1/3 cup dry white wine
½ tablespoon slivered almonds (optional)
add pineapple leaves as decoration

PREPARATION

Cut pineapples in half lengthwise. Carve out inside of pineapple. Cut carved out pineapple flesh into 1″ cubes, throwing out pulpy parts.. Cut chicken into ½” cubes. Mince onion.

Add onion and butter to large frying pan. Sauté for 5 minutes on medium-high heat or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to medium. Add chicken and fry for about 5 MINUTES or until chicken is no longer pink inside. Do not brown chicken. Stir occasionally.

Reduce heat to low. Add flour and chicken stock to pan. Cook for minutes or until sauce thickens Add pineapple cubes, wine, and cream. Cook for 5 minutes on low heat. Stir occasionally Remove chicken/sauce from heat.. Ladle chicken/pineapple/sauce into pineapple halves. Sprinkle with parsley and almonds.

TIDBITS

1) The letter “B” does not exist in the Tahitian language. Tahitians would have a tough time ordering burgers at the Bob’s Big Boy restaurants in America. On the other hand, Tahiti has no poisonous snakes or insects.

2) Tahiti is way cool, Bread is more important than getting mail. Bakeries deliver fresh loaves twice a day to bread boxes outside residents homes. Maiil must be picked up at the post office.

3) Oh my goodness, I just found that the Tahitian alphabet now as only 13 letters, 13 fewer than the English one. And when I did the first tidbit, it apparently had 25. Where did those 13 – 1 = 12 additional letters disappear to and in two tidbits. I’m stopping the tidbits right now before the Tahitians lose any more letters. Goodness.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Hot Chocolate

American Appetizer

HOT CHOCOLATE

INGREDIENTSHotChocolate-

4 ounces semisweet chocolate (chips or squares)
4cups milk
1/2 cup sugar

PREPARATION

Add all ingredients to saucepan. Heat with medium heat. (Whoa! Heating with heat. That’s just crazy enough to work.) Cook until chocolate has completely melted and liquid is just ready to boil. Stir frequently.

Use an electric or hand beater on hot chocolate if you wish to make it frothy. Mini marshmallows and whipped cream make excellent toppings.

TIDBITS

1) If it weren’t for chocolate, we probably wouldn’t have microwaves. Decades ago, the chocolate bar in Percy Spencer’s pocket melted when he got close to the microwaves of a magnetron. Instead of saying yuck, Percy got excited. He placed an egg next to the magnetron. The egg cooked so fast that it exploded. The synapses in Percy’s brain fired at a prodigious rate. The research on the kitchen microwave began.

2) The good feelings to your brain and body from eating chocolate last four times longer than from an amorous kiss. Indeed, pollsters in Britain found that 50% of women love chocolate more than sex. This guys, is why you give your dates a box of chocolates rather than a package of lutefisk.

3) Eating chocolate multiple times a week greatly reduces the risk of fatal heart disease.

4) Chocolate is a natural antidepressant.

5) A milk chocolate bar has ten fewer calories than a bag of potato chips.

5) So chocolate gave a boost to the advancement of science, provides for an enhanced love life, protects your health, keeps you from being sad, and is better for your figure than potato chips. What more do you want? Why can’t our government be more like chocolate?

6) It can. It can. The Bacon & Chocolate Party was formed in 2012 and is dedicated to promoting the health giving properties of chocolate and bacon and to ensure ample supplies of these wonderful foods.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Fried Doughnut Bites

American Dessert

FRIED DOUGHNUT BITES

INGREDIENTSFriedDB-

1 large egg
1/3 cup sugar
1/2 cup milk
2 tablespoons vegetable oil (1 cup more later)
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (plus a bit more later)
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons baking powder

1 cup vegetable oil
flour to dust hands
1 cup confectionary sugar

PREPARATION

Use whisk to mix egg, sugar, milk, and 2 tablespoons vegetable oil. Add flour, salt, baking powder. Mix again, this time with fork. (You’ll go crazy getting the flour out of the inside of a whisk.)

Heat 1 cup vegetable oil in skillet to 375 degrees. Drop dough balls of about 1-to-2 teaspoons in size into heated oil. (Dust hands with flour between making each dough ball. The flour keeps dough from clinging all over your hands.)

Fry dough balls for 2 to 3 minutes or until golden brown. Be sure to taste a few dough balls before serving. Don’t want to serve ones that aren’t done. Turn frequently when cooking. (No, don’t turn yourself around. You’ll get dizzy. Turn over the dough balls.)

Put cooked doughnut bites in paper towels to absorb grease. Roll in confectionary sugar if desired. Most people will want this last step.

TIDBITS

1) This dish was originally supposed to be called “Fried Doughnuts.” However, doughnuts made this way don’t look like the round doughnuts with the whole in the middle.

2) It’s also why members of my family helpfully, even gleefully suggested the following names: Doughnut Crumbles, Fat Balls, and Fat Bombs.

3) The family was unanimous in liking them, though.

4) I think a great slogan for a doughnut shop would be, “Our doughnuts are made from real dough.” Might make you think what donuts from donut shops are made from.

5) Law enforcement officials like to eat doughnuts on stakeouts because they can eat them and still keep a hand free for emergencies and both eyes on the place they’re watching.

6) Doughnuts were considered real treats on cattle drives during the Old West

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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White Cake

American Dessert

WHITE CAKE

INGREDIENTSWhiteCake-

3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) butter
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 eggs
3 egg whites
2 cups flour
2 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 cups milk
no-stick spray

SPECIAL UTENSILS

2 9″-round cake tins
electric beater

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Let butter soften at room temperature. Put butter and sugar in large mixing bowl. Use “cake” setting on electric beater for 5 minutes or until butter and sugar becomes creamy.

Blend in eggs and egg whites one at a time using “cake” setting on electric beater. Add flour, baking powder, and salt to mixing bowl. Blend all using “cake” setting. Add milk. Blend one last time using “cake” setting on your electric beater until batter is smooth.

Spray cake tins with no-stick spray. Spoon or pour batter into cake tins. Put tins in oven. Bake at 350 degrees for 30-to-35 minutes or until a toothpick stuck in the middle comes out clean or when the cake springs back when touched with a spoon.

TIDBITS

1) Queen Marie Antoinette was told that the poor Parisians couldn’t afford to buy bread anymore. She said, “Let them eat cake,” which was more expensive. This ignorance and callousness so inflamed the French poor that they started the French Revolution.

2) Thousands of the nobility died at the guillotine during the Revolution. Thousands more peasants died during the White Terror reaction of the nobility. France became so unstable that Napoleon was able to seize power in 1799. Napoleon plunged Europe into nearly constant warfare for the next sixteen years. Hundreds of thousands of people perished. People couldn’t every tweet outrage.

3) The French government since then has heavily regulated the price of bread.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Peanut-Butter Milkshake

American Dessert

PEANUT-BUTTER MILKSHAKE

 INGREDIENTSPeaBuMS-

3 cups milk
1 cup smooth peanut butter
2 1/2 cups vanilla ice cream

PREPARATION

Put milk in blender. Add 1 cup of peanut butter. Put the peanut butter directly into the blender until the level of the milk reaches 4 cups. (Measuring sticky peanut butter exactly by the measuring cup is a colossal pain.) Make sure, though, that the peanut butter is completely submerged in milk. Similarly, add the ice cream until the milk’s level reads 6 1/2 cups.

Blend the mix at the “milkshake” or “blend” speed until you get your desired level of smoothness. You smooth operator, you.

TIDBITS

1) This has a lot of calories in it. So beware.

2) It sure is tasty, though.

3) I had a peanut-butter milkshake in Plains, Georgia, the hometown of President Jimmy Carter.

4) Everyone told me how I had just missed seeing him by a half hour and how he liked to talk to people.

5) I waited a bit hoping he would come back soon, but he didn’t.

6) I never saw him, ever.

7) Culinary life isn’t always fair.

8) But I’ve gotten over it, mostly.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Cooking Basics: Cheerios

American Breakfast

CHEERIOS

Every budding chef, whether five years old or fifty, must start somewhere. Why not with this confidence builder?

INGREDIENTScheerio-

1 bowlful CheeriosTM
1 bowlful milk, 1 pint maybe?

Pour a bowlful of CheeriosTM into a bowl. A ceramic bowl works best, but if this dish is a challenge for you and you’re fifty, you might only have a plastic dish with the slogan, “Gashud for Kansas Agricultural Commissioner” on it. Fear not, the plastic bowl will work just fine.

The next step is critical.

Pour the milk over the CheeriosTM and into the bowl. The amount of milk is a matter of taste. I prefer just enough to make the cereal float. Don’t be afraid to experiment!

DO NOT leave this bowl of milk and Cheerios unattended for more than ten minutes. The cereal will lose its crunchiness. It will become soggy. Ugh. This horrifying mistake will scar your psyche for life. Don’t do it. No! Eat the cereal right away.

If this recipe didn’t turn out quite right, don’t fret. Try again. As the famous chef Julia Child maintained, if no one saw your culinary mishap it didn’t happen.

If you succeeded in this venture, congratulations. You are ready for your next culinary triumph.

TIDBITS

1) A nice relaxing bath with powdered Cheerios relieves itching. Do the Cheerios get soggy? I imagine so; I’ve never tried it.

2) Cheerios does not have evil high-fructose corn syrup in it.

3) Break apart a Cheerio to form the number one. Put thirteen whole Cheerios after it to form the number ten trillion, roughly the size of the Federal deficit.

4) I have a sneaking suspicion Ian Fleming came up with the idea for James Bond, 007, while eating Cheerios.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Bacon-Wrapped Hot Dogs

American Entree

BACON-WRAPPED HOT DOGS

INGREDIENTSBaconWrapHD-

1 onion
1 tomato
1 green bell pepper
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
8 hot dogs
8 bacon slices
1 jalapeno pepper
2 tablespoons ketchup
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
2 tablespoons yellow mustard
8 buns
no-stick spray

PREPARATION

Dice onion, tomato, bell pepper, and jalapeno pepper. Put vegetable oil, onion, bell pepper, and jalapeno in skillet. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Set aside.

Wrap a bacon slice around each hot dog. Tuck in the ends of the bacon slices so they don’t unwrap. (Or use toothpicks.) Spray new skillet. Add bacon-wrapped hot dogs to skillet. Fry on medium-high heat for 5-to-10 minutes or until bacon is crispy and hot dogs are done. Turn bacon-wrapped hot dogs frequently to ensure even cooking.

While hot dogs are frying, toast the buns. Spread ketchup, mayonnaise, and mustard on buns.. Sprinkle buns with diced tomatoes. Add bacon-wrapped hot dogs. Close and eat. Yum!

TIDBITS

1) A chipotle is a ripe, smoked jalapeno. A salmon that has been smoked is a smoked salmon.

2) A jalapeno pepper went to outer space in 1982. I have never been to outer space. I have been bested by a jalapeno pepper. It’s quite humbling.

3) However, as far as I know smoked salmon has never been to the moon or on the Space Shuttle. Please don’t tell me if it has; I don’t think my ego could handle it.

4 ) Don’t drink water after eating jalapenos. The water merely spreads the heat around. Drink milk. Milk blocks the pain receptors in your mouth. Got milk?

5) Jalapeno-salmon burgers are a popular entree. Someday, you will be able to order them in space. Be sure to have a lid for your milk. Milk gets everywhere in zero-gravity.

– Chef Paul

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Arrowroot Custard

St. Vincentian Dessert

ARROWROOT CUSTARD

INGREDIENTSArrowrootCust-

3 tablespoons arrowroot
1 tablespoon milk (3 1/2 cups more later)
3 1/2 cups milk
2/3 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 egg yolks

PREPARATION

Add arrowroot and 1 tablespoon milk to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until paste forms. Add 3 1/2 cups milk to pot. Cook milk on high heat until milk just starts bubbling. Stir CONSTANTLY. Add arrowroot paste from mixing bowl to pot and stir. Remove pot from burner. Turn heat down to low.

(Milk burns quickly. Anybody who comes by and sees you intent on boiling milk will say, “Careful, milk burns in a hurry! They cannot help it. It’s inevitable as falling asleep in the back row at a lecture for theoretical economics.)

Add sugar to pot. Mix with spoon until sugar dissolves. Return pot to burner. Simmer on low heat for 3 minutes. Remove pot from burner. Add in vanilla extract and egg yolks. Mix with whisk or fork until egg yolk blend in completely. Allow to cool. (The heat in the mix will cook the yolks enough during this time.)

Drink as much as you dare before sharing with guests. It’s really tasty.

TIDBITS

1) An anagram for “arrowroot custard” is “Coward roars, ‘Trout!’”

2) Arrowroot is a starch-rich underground creeping rhizome.

3) There was a 1964 movie called The Creeping Terror. Leonard Maltin, the film critic, gave it a “bomb” rating. His Classic Movie Guide said, “Awful horror movie, poor on every conceivable (and inconceivable) level.” I saw it. The monster looks a lot like a giant Denver omelette.

4) If that sort of horror movie can get made, why not The Creeping Rhizome? Just saying. You could have The Underground Creeping Rhizome but that would be way too scary.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Potato-Beef Flatcakes From Tanzania

Tanzanian Entree

POTATO BEEF FLATCAKES

INGREDIENTSPotBeefFlat-

3 large brown potatoes
3 large carrots
1 green bell pepper
1/2 ground beef
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon coriander
1/4 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon curry powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons sugar

2 or more tablespoons vegetable oil.

makes 12 flatcakes

SPECIALTY UTENSILS

food processor
electric skillet

PREPARATION

Peel and mince potatoes. (A food processor helps immensely. Remember this when your loved one gives you that appliance for your anniversary.) Peel and mince carrots. Remove seeds and mince bell pepper.

Combine all ingredients except vegetable oil in large mixing bowl. The best way to mix this is with your hands. Sorry. (But there is an upside to having messy hands. When your sweetheart asks you to answer the door or the telephone you can say, “Sorry, messy hands.”)

Make patties that are 1/2 cup big. Put 2 tablespoons vegetable oil in the electric skillet. Set the skillet to 350 degrees. Put as many patties as will fit into the skillet. Flatten them slightly with spatula. Cook with lid on for 5 minutes or until the patty browns. Remove lid. (Oil splatters, may I suggest wearing an apron?) Flip patties over and fry for another 5 minutes. Remove batch and start another. Add oil as needed.

And “tasty” in Swahili is “kitamu.”

TIDBITS

1) The carrot is one happening biennal plant of the umbel family.

2) Eating too many carrots will make your skin turn yellowish orange, especially on the palms or soles of the feet. This is called carotenemia. This goes away completely once you stop eating them.

3) Ancient Greeks and Romans ate carrots. No nation or tribe could stand up to Rome’s scary orange soldiers. That’s the Roman Empire grew so big and lasted so long.

4) Ancient Greeks believed eating carrots made men and women more amorous. “Hey, would like to have dinner at the Carrot Auctioneer?”

5) Seems silly, no? But rabbits love carrots and we all know how fast bunnies reproduce.

6) Hippocrates thought women could prevent pregnancy by eating carrot seeds.

7) Current scientific studies suggest this might be true after all.. Eating carrot seeds after intercourse might prevent the egg from implanting.

8) Whoa.

9) The orange carrot was invented by cross breeding yellow and red carrots. I wonder if you can turn yellow by eating too many yellow carrots. Don’t rob a bank after doing this. The police find  with yellow palms easy to find.

10) Yay, carrots!

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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