Posts Tagged With: ducks

A Fun Renaming of the Bird World

 

How in the world did someone come up with the idea of calling a flock of crows a murder of crows? Were they pickled to the gills? Why not call a flock of crows a FLOCK of crows? However, it is unlikely we will be able to change everything to flocks with the Supreme Court busy deciding cases of great import and chaos in our federal government. And with people arguing on Facebook(tm) and Twitter(tm), no one is noticing what we do. We can get away with changing the little stuff.

Let’s do it!                                                                                                      A burrito of burrowing owls.

Let alter the names of the types of birds to something more interesting and alliterative. I humbly propose the following:

A Murder of Crows becomes A Cacophony of Crows

We can now have:

bird                           – flock name
——————————————————–
blackbirds              – blintz
bobolinks              – Big Mac(tm)
boobies                 – booger
budgies                 – bean dip
buntings                – bunion
burrowing owls     – burrito
ducks                     – DNA
elephants              – finch (an elephant is technically not a bird.)
falcons                   – fallacy
finches                   – elephant
hawks                    –  hemarrhoid
jays                        – jackhammer
larks                       – lithograph
loons                      – lutefisk
pigeons                  – pizza
starlings                 – strawberry
swans                     – sarcasm
woodpeckers         – wart

You’ll have to excuse me, a bunion of buntings just flew by.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Bad Advice Friday, 6-09-17

I am ready. I am able to dispense with stupendously bad advice on time because:

1) Gravity is still working.
2) I just ate fish sticks.
3) My productivity today edged out my anti-productivity.

So, I shall once more be dispensing stupendously bad advice.

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KM asks: Okay, here goes. Do you consider Alfred Hitchcock a great man? See more.

Dear KM: Oh crudness, I cut and pasted from FB and lost the end of your questions or question. This vexes me greatly. I mean I might accidently give you good advice and then what would happen to my sacred rep? But I am nothing if not courageous, so here goes. You shouldn’t take my word for it. My opinion is only one opinion. It’s best to give the souls from the Great Beyond a chance to weigh in. Flip a coin. If it comes up heads, a dearly departed has voted yes. If it lands tails, then a spirit has said no. Don’t flip just a few times. That’s not statistically significant. Besides, there’s not a lot to do in the afterworld. So, just by asking the souls to vote, you’ll have brightened their lives (See what I did?) something considerable. I suggest flipping that coin at least 100,000 times.

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LF: How many ducks are in a row?

Dear LF: Go to the nearest pond with hundreds of ducks. Throw a piece of bread into the pond. Hurl the next piece near the shore. Toss the third bread cube on land. And so on, until you have hundreds of ravenous, fierce ducks snapping at your feet and heels in a crazed quest to get more food. Then simply turn around and herd them into a row. (You did watch Rawhide and Babe didn’t you?) Count quickly as ducks as notoriously impatient. Oh, and don’t forget to say please and thank you. As with all aquatic mammals, manners are important.

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DH asks: How do I keep my dog from rolling in dead possum?

Dear DH: Your dog clearly has a preferred scent. A refined one. So, if you want to keep your dog away from dead possums, you will have to spray that scent on something that you don’t want anymore like underwear with skid marks. Simply spray the “Dead Possum Scent” on the underwear. Kinda weird put at least arguably healthier that wallowing in dead possum. As of now, no major perfume company produces this scent. I suggest writing a certified, signature-required letter to the CEO of ChanelTM. They’ll be excited to hear from you.

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: bad advice Friday, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Words To Live By

Ducks31) Do what you can do. If you can do it, then you can do it.

2) Don’t do what you can’t do. If you can’t do it, then you can’t do it.

3) Not everything you can do should be done. Mixing root beer with a pint of Scotch bonnet sauce comes to mind.

4) Turn off the burners on your stove when your done.

5) Run from rabid ducks.

 

– Paul De Lancey, Life Counselor

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Paul Knows Ducks

See the ducks wait for Paul to feed them.

Ducks1

 

 

See the ravenous ducks charge Paul.

Ducks3

 

 

See the rabid ducks chase Paul out of the park.

Ducks2

 

– Paul De Lancey, Friend of the Animals

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

Exciting Headlines

Headlines can be quite exciting as the following collection shows. Many are based on memory and others are from tabloids. But they are all great fun. Enjoy!

1) Ten New Ways to talk to the dead.

2) Woman steals three-headed baby.

3) Satan’s Skull Found in New Mexico: Biblical Experts Call It the Find of the Century.

4) Tap the Amazing Healing Properties of Ketchup

5) White House Ducks Report …

6)  Bat Boy is real!

7) A mental patient attacked women in a laundrette and escaped on foot. Headline:- NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS.

8) Daughter Gives Birth to Own Mother

9) Mule elected Mayor…

10) Camper Beats Off Naked Slasher…

11)  Eighty-year-old spends her 80th wedding anniversary in jail for accidentally smashing her husband’s head in with a cast iron frying pan.

2)  Moon to Explode in 6 Months! – Weekly World News July 18, 2005

13) Abraham Lincoln was a Woman! Shocking pix found in White House basement … plus, Was John Wilkes Booth Her Jilted Lover” – Weekly World News – January 2002

13) Dewey Wins!

14) Girls Schools Still Offering ‘Something Special’ – head
– Gloucestershire something, February 2, 2011

Please feel free to submit your favorite headlines.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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