Posts Tagged With: ESPN

You Need to See a Rabbit Do a Complete Flip

And here it is.

 

 

 

 

I think Fluff Fluff did rather well, don’t you? Watch for her when competes for the first time on Bunny Flips on ESPN8, next Friday, 8pm, EST.

I spent hours learning how to do this. It might not seem like a mighty achievement, but it kept me off the streets where I would only foment revolution. And that’s a good thing.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Elephant Marathons on ESPN8

We’re just five months away from the start of the First Elephant Marathon on ESPN8. And it’s going to be televised on ESPN8(tm)!

“We couldn’t be prouder,” said gamekeeper Absko Otieno of the Reteti Elephant Sanctuary. “We take in injured elephants and try to rehabilitate them. To that end, we constantly take them out for exercise. Got to build up their muscles and endurance, you know.

“At first, we could only get them to walk for a mile at most. A few months later, we stretched their walks to two miles. But you know, a healthy elephant needs to do much more. But we just couldn’t coax them into doing that. What to do?

“Then thank goodness, just as we going to give up again after just two miles, a peanut truck came by. You know, just like an ice cream truck but with peanuts. So this peanut truck came by playing Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries.” And you know, just as peanuts are the elephants’ favorite food, “Ride of the Valkyries” is their favorite music. Elephants can’t get enough of Wagner.

“Anyway, all the elephants turned around and ran after the peanut truck. For 26 miles, a marathon! We paid the peanut-truck driver to drive 26 miles around the sanctuary every week. At first, maybe a dozen people showed up to watch. Then a hundred. Then hundreds. Then thousands and tens of thousands. This country went elephant-racing mad.

“Soon wildlife tours made stops to see our elephants race. One of them worked for ESPN. He bought the rights to the elephant marathon. There you go, and oh, don’t try this at home. Hope to see you at our marathon!”

Ellie the Elephant practicing for the marathon.

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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The Hottest New Sport – Rabbit Chess (Kanin Schack)

Chess has always been a laudable exercise for the brain. But is it cute? Bunnies are cute. Cuter than people. Certainly bunnies playing chess are way cuter than two competing humans. What do the humans do between moves? Nothing. Certainly their synapses are firing something fierce, but they move nary a muscle.

However, bunnies hop around while the other rabbit is pondering its next move and this is okay. Movement, oh my gosh. And the bunnies’ cute pink noses twitch nonstop. How is adorable is that?

Mega adorable. Which is why Kanin Schack or Rabbit Chess has taken Sweden by storm. No good Swedes go out on Tuesday after dark anymore as that is Rabbit Chess Night on television. Rumor has it that Rabbit Chess will soon be premiering on ESPN8. I can’t wait. My nose twitches in anticipation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: sports | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Common Sense Solutions To Ending Crime

Crime is bad. Let’s get rid of it. Is our present system of incarceration working? No. Who was responsible for this?  Who will fix it? I will. How? I’m glad you asked. Here is my thirteen-step program.

1) Convicted criminals will never get bacon or chocolate.  Our current system allows prisoners to enjoy socialized bacon and chocolate.  That’s no deterrence at all. Geez!

2) Criminals will eat lutefisk at every meal. For beverages, they will have a choice of lutefisk tea and castor oil

3) Convicted criminals will download software for all the law-abiding citizens in their community. They will work with customer service until the myriad of issues are resolved.

4) Convicted criminals will be forced to shop WalMart(tm) on holiday weekends. Municipal, county, state, and federal governments will save billions and billions of dollars on prison construction costs, prison maintenance, and prison staff.

5) Criminals who leave WalMart will be sent to maximum-security cells for life. It bears repeating, these ne’er do wells will still be without chocolate and bacon for life . They will still do software downloads for life.

6) These ne’er do wells will also be forced, in their short free periods, to read and re-read James Joyce’s Ulysses until their minds explode trying to understand it. Moreover we will, if allowed, by human rights organizations, serve lutefisk everyday to our hardened criminals.

7) The prison TV will only show ESPN’s Canadian Curling Highlights.

8) Jailers will give the inmates paper cuts every day.

9) You will be put in Facebook(tm) jail whenever you use the word “the.”

10) These baddies will eat all those Christmas fruitcakes that people insist on giving, but nobody wants.

11) Convicts will seed and dice the hottest of hot chile peppers then immediately rub their foreheads. (Don’t try this at home.)

12) Prisoners must keep places in line for the elderly at the DMV. Twice a week too.

13) Criminals will be forced to listen to every high-school and college commencent speech within a 50-mile radius of their prison. This includes all speeches by students, faculty, and guest speakers. Yes, this is a severe punishment, but we must have a credible, strong deterrent against crime.

No person alive would even contemplate committing any crime when faced with the above thirteen consequences. Crime would disappear from our great country within the year. Money spent on law enforcement could be used to balance budget and distribute free bacon and chocolate to all Americans.

Now behave, don’t make me come back there.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: humor, obsevations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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