I really thought Santana sang the following lyrics. Changed the song more than a bit.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
The Bean Burrito
Oh bean burrito,
Oh bean burrito,
You’re oh so neato.
You need no meato.
Dear reader, you can tell
Today, I’m fond of doggerel.
Just don’t put that meatel
In this, my bean burritel.
Hamburger
Oh hamburger! Oh hamburger!
Recession proof, yet so yummy.
Gastric juices assault you
In my tummy.
Restaurants making fillet mignon
Are awash in red.
But McD’s is in the green with
Beef and bread.
In hard times, such as these,
People buy more burgers
Because they’re cheap and tasty.
Yum!
But when times get better,
We shall go restaurant hopping.
Because we can.
Maybe we’ll even rhyme.
Hungry
I’m so hungry.
I will have to eat something
Or I will get hungrier.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
How in the world did someone come up with the idea of calling a flock of crows a murder of crows? Were they pickled to the gills? Why not call a flock of crows a FLOCK of crows? However, it is unlikely we will be able to change everything to flocks with the Supreme Court busy deciding cases of great import and chaos in our federal government. And with people arguing on Facebook(tm) and Twitter(tm), no one is noticing what we do. We can get away with changing the little stuff.
Let’s do it! A burrito of burrowing owls.
Let alter the names of the types of birds to something more interesting and alliterative. I humbly propose the following:
A Murder of Crows becomes A Cacophony of Crows
We can now have:
bird – flock name
——————————————————–
blackbirds – blintz
bobolinks – Big Mac(tm)
boobies – booger
budgies – bean dip
buntings – bunion
burrowing owls – burrito
ducks – DNA
elephants – finch (an elephant is technically not a bird.)
falcons – fallacy
finches – elephant
hawks – hemarrhoid
jays – jackhammer
larks – lithograph
loons – lutefisk
pigeons – pizza
starlings – strawberry
swans – sarcasm
woodpeckers – wart
You’ll have to excuse me, a bunion of buntings just flew by.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Ugandan Breakfast
INGREDIENTS
1 green bell pepper
½ red onion
2 Roma tomatoes
9 eggs
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
6 chapatis (See CHAPATI recipe) or flour tortillas
2 tablespoons vegetable oil (1 teaspoon per egg/veggie mixture)
6 tablespoons shredded cabbage (1 tablespoon per egg/veggie mixture)
PREPARATION
Mince green bell pepper and red onion. Cut each tomato into 6 slices. Add bell pepper, red onion, eggs, pepper, and salt to mixing bowl. Scramble egg/veggie mixture with whisk. Pour 1 teaspoon vegetable oil and 1/6th of egg/veggie mixture into pan. Fry egg/veggie mixture on low-medium for 2 minutes or until top begins to set. Flip over mixture and fry for another 1-to-2 minutes or until eggs are set on the new top.
Cover right third of chapati with fried egg/veggie mixture. Place 2 tomato slices and 1 tablespoon of shredded cabbage on top of egg/veggie mixture.. Roll chapati, as tightly as you can, starting from covered side. It should look somewhat like a burrito.
(Ideally, you have been making your chapati as you have been making the egg/veggie mixture. This is difficult to do. If the chapati has lost its flexibility., place egg/veggie mixture on top of chapati and microwave for 20 seconds before rolling the rolex.)
TIDBITS
1) This rolex is not named after the famed make of watches, Rolex. Nor is the reverse true.
2) In this case, rolex is short for “roll of eggs.”
3) Unscrupulous people sometimes trick visitors by offering to sell Rolexes for hundreds of dollars fewer than they go for in legitimate stores. The vendors then take the greedy tourists to an alley and sell them a fake watch or steal the buyer’s money.
4) Scammers can’t knock off hundreds of dollars off the cost of an Ugandan breakfast. So you won’t be tempted to buy an imitation burrito. So you won’t get beaten up in a dark alley. But this rolex is a tasty treat and besides, you can always tell time with your Mickey Mouse watch.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Mexican Entree
MACHACA BURRITO
(Allow 2 to 8 hours to prepare.)
INGREDIENTS
MARINADE
1/2 tablespoon soy sauce
1/2 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoons water
2 tablespoons lime juice
2 garlic cloves
1/2 serrano chile
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon coriander
1/8 teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
2 teaspoons peanut oil
2 teaspoons vegetable oil
COOKING THE MEAT
1 1/2 pounds skirt steak (Use flap steak if your butcher doesn’t have skirt steak. Don’t let your sweetheart catch you chasing skirt around town.)
1/2 onion
1/2 green bell pepper
1/2 red bell pepper
1 serrano chiles
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1/2 cup beef broth
1 7 ounce can diced tomatoes
1/4 teaspoon oregano
1/8 teaspoon cumin
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper
ASSEMBLY
5 large flour tortillas
5 tablespoons sour cream
2 1/2 tablespoons salsa
5 lime wedges
1 1/2 teaspoons fresh cilantro
PREPARATION
This is a dish that proves your dedication as a chef. Lots of ingredients and preparation, but lots of prestige as well. Go for it! Excelsior.
MARINATING STAGE (to be done up to 8 hours before cooking, if you have the time. This will improve the taste.)
Cut the skirt steak into 3 1-pound pieces; this is the traditional way. (The Powegian way is to immediately cut the steak into strips 1/2-inch wide by about 2-inches long. We Powegians have always been culinary rebels.) Mince the garlic cloves. Remove the stem and seeds, and insides of the serrano chiles. Mince the remaining outside of the chiles.
Combine the soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, water, lime juice, garlic, serrano chile, salt, coriander, meat spice, peanut oil, and vegetable oil in big mixing bowl. Put the steak strips in the bowl of marinade. Be sure to thoroughly coat each strip. If you can, completely seal the mixing bowl with a plastic wrap cover and refrigerate for at least 8 hours. (Omigosh, are you late for work? Run!)
COOKING STAGE (Takes at least 2 hours. Did you call in sick so you could make this dish?)
Meanwhile back at the range things are heating up. (Once again employment makes the marinating stage pass quickly. That’s why we go to work.) Dice the onion, red pepper, green pepper, and outsides of two serrano peppers.
Coat the bottom of a large pot with 4 tablespoons vegetable oil. Cook it at medium-heat until hot. Gradually add and sear strips of steak. (Searing means to quickly cook the surfaces of a piece of meat so that it will retain juices in later, slower cooking.) Put seared steak strips aside on a platter. Leave the liquid and any tiny bits of steak in pot for next stage. Don’t throw away flavor!
Add onion, red pepper, green pepper, and serrano peppers to same pan. Saute for 5 minutes. Add beef broth, tomatoes, oregano, cumin, salt, and pepper. Mix thoroughly. Add the marinated meat strips and juice to the pot. Heat at medium-high heat until it boils. (Kick out of the kitchen anyone who disagrees with your definition of boiling. You are the chef. You know.) Cover the pot and simmer for 2 hours.
If your skirt steak is still in three pieces, let it cool down on a cutting board. Now, using two forks or your fingers, shred the meat. Put the shredded steak back in the pot. Stir thoroughly and cook until most of the liquid has evaporated. (Unless, you prefer the Powegian style where the excess juice makes an excellent soup. Ah, Poway!)
ASSEMBLY STAGE
Warm the tortillas in a microwave. Put about 4 tablespoons steak mixture in the center top of the tortilla. Add, if desired, a tablespoon sour cream, a 1/2 tablespoon salsa, and a 1/2 teaspoon of diced cilantro. Take a lime wedge and squirt lime juice on top of the meat.
Fold in the tortilla’s two sides until they touch. Roll from the top of the tortilla down. Repeat this process 10 times and you will have 10 machaca burritos. And if you did recipe the Powegian way, you will have machaca soup as well. Olé.
TIDBITS
1) All recipes demand fresh ingredients such as fresh cilantro. But let’s face it, there WILL be times when you find your blood pressure soaring as you need to go back to the store for the 32nd time for another missing, fresh ingredient. Or worse, your sweetheart has gone shopping for those 31 times and is muttering about going to Home Depot to buy a stainless steel Lizzie BordenTM ax. In moments such as these, it is best to take a more relaxed view of cooking and reach for that small bottle of dried parsley.
2) Just remember one amount of a dried spice usually equals three amounts of fresh spice. This one bit of culinary knowledge has saved countless marriages and lives.
3) It’s also a good idea to scan each recipe all the way through for key words such as “marinade for 8 hours” or “simmer for 2 hours” and allot at least 10 hours for cooking. Do not, do not, try to butter your boss up for a raise with this dish and expect to start cooking an hour before dinner time.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
The Bean Burrito
Oh bean burrito,
Oh bean burrito,
You’re oh so neato.
You need no meato.
Dear reader, you can tell
Today, I’m fond of doggerel.
Just don’t put that meatel
In this, my bean burritel.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Mexican Entree
INGREDIENTS
1 8 ounce can red beans
6 egg whites
1/2 teaspoon Berbere spice (See recipe for Berbere if needed.)
1/2 cup Four Mexican cheeses
2 8-inch flour tortillas
UTENSIL
no-stick frying pan
PREPARATION
Cook red beans on medium-high heat for about 3 minutes or until sufficiently warm. (If they burn your tongue, they’re too hot. Let them cool.)
Combine egg whites and Berbere spice in mixing bowl. Beat egg whites with a whisk. (Sometimes all it takes to defeat an egg is a short but stern look.) Put whites in no-stick frying pan and cook on medium heat until egg whites solidify.
Divide the red beans, egg whites, and cheese between the two tortillas. Fold in the sides of the tortillas and roll up from the bottom.
This simple, but tasty dish is a favorite among the tight-knit Moroccan-Mexican community of Poway, California. Olé, ens Allah.
TIDBITS
1) White shelled eggs are laid by hens with white feathers and white ear lobes.
2) Chicken have ear lobes! My goodness, who knew. Do hens wear earrings?
3) Brown shelled eggs are made by hens with red feathers and red ear lobes.
4) I can’t get over it. Chickens have ear lobes. Why?
5) According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came first.
6) Chinese chickens lay about 160 billions eggs a year. American chickens produce 65 billion over the same period.
7) There are 6 million people in Libya. If all of China’s and America’s eggs were exported to Libya, the people there would need to eat 3,667 eggs a year, or 10 a day.
8) I suspect Libyans would get tired of eating that many eggs and would start having egg fights all over the place.
9) May I suggest visiting Morocco instead?
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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