So does the supermarket allow only animals who’ve turned to a life of crime or ones that work with vice squads?
My apologies for the blurry poster.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Crime is bad. Let’s get rid of it. Is our present system of incarceration working? No. Who was responsible for this? Who will fix it? I will. How? I’m glad you asked. Here is my thirteen-step program.
1) Convicted criminals will never get bacon or chocolate. Our current system allows prisoners to enjoy socialized bacon and chocolate. That’s no deterrence at all. Geez!
2) Criminals will eat lutefisk at every meal. For beverages, they will have a choice of lutefisk tea and castor oil
3) Convicted criminals will download software for all the law-abiding citizens in their community. They will work with customer service until the myriad of issues are resolved.
4) Convicted criminals will be forced to shop WalMart(tm) on holiday weekends. Municipal, county, state, and federal governments will save billions and billions of dollars on prison construction costs, prison maintenance, and prison staff.
5) Criminals who leave WalMart will be sent to maximum-security cells for life. It bears repeating, these ne’er do wells will still be without chocolate and bacon for life . They will still do software downloads for life.
6) These ne’er do wells will also be forced, in their short free periods, to read and re-read James Joyce’s Ulysses until their minds explode trying to understand it. Moreover we will, if allowed, by human rights organizations, serve lutefisk everyday to our hardened criminals.
7) The prison TV will only show ESPN’s Canadian Curling Highlights.
8) Jailers will give the inmates paper cuts every day.
9) You will be put in Facebook(tm) jail whenever you use the word “the.”
10) These baddies will eat all those Christmas fruitcakes that people insist on giving, but nobody wants.
11) Convicts will seed and dice the hottest of hot chile peppers then immediately rub their foreheads. (Don’t try this at home.)
12) Prisoners must keep places in line for the elderly at the DMV. Twice a week too.
13) Criminals will be forced to listen to every high-school and college commencent speech within a 50-mile radius of their prison. This includes all speeches by students, faculty, and guest speakers. Yes, this is a severe punishment, but we must have a credible, strong deterrent against crime.
No person alive would even contemplate committing any crime when faced with the above thirteen consequences. Crime would disappear from our great country within the year. Money spent on law enforcement could be used to balance budget and distribute free bacon and chocolate to all Americans.
Now behave, don’t make me come back there.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Brazilian Entree
INGREDIENTS
1¾ pounds rump steak
2 garlic cloves
¼ teaspoon cayenne
½ teaspoon cumin
½ teaspoon paprika
¼ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons lemon juice
¼ cup olive oil
1 yellow onion
½ pound bacon
1 yellow bell pepper
10 ounces plum tomatoes
SPECIAL UTENSIL
barbecue grill
PREPARATION
Cut steak into 1½” cubes. Mince garlic. Add steak cubes, garlic, cayenne, cumin, paprika, pepper, and salt to large mixing bowl. Toss steak cubes until they are well coated with spices. Add lemon juice and oil. Gently toss steak cubes. Put mixing bowl in refrigerator for 2 hours to marinate.
While steak cubes marinate, cut onion into 1½” cubes. (Well, make the best cubes you can out of a round onion. This recipes yearns for a cubic, organic onion) Cut bacon in 1½” long rectangles. Remove seeds from bell pepper and cut into 1½” squares. Thread steak cubes, onion cubes, bacon, bell-pepper squares, and plum tomatoes onto skewers. Heat grill to 450 degrees..Grill kebabs for 1-to-2 minutes Rotates kebabs ¼ turn and grill for another 1-to-2 minutes. Keep rotating and grilling kebabs until meat is done to your liking.
TIDBITS
1) Brazilian bus drivers once trained beetles to retrieve coins from the fare boxes. Police arrested all humans and beetles from this daring criminal ring. I wonder if the charges against the beetles were dropped. How do you read rights to a beetle? Or do beetles have no legal rights in Brazil?
2) The prospect of insect crime keeps me up at night. Sure, I can lock my doors, even deadbolt them. But is my home truly secure when any robber can get his trained termites to eat a large hole in my front door? The best defense against this is an army of ants. Ants hate termites. Just make sure your ants have enough to do. Bored ants tend to wander to the bed where they inhibit whoopee.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
American Appetizer
RUSSIAN DRESSING
INGREDIENTS
1 cup mayonnaise
1/2 cup ketchup
2 tablespoons red wine vinegar
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1/2 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
PREPARATION
Add all ingredients to mixing bowl. Stir with whisk until well blended. May be stored in air-tight jars for up to two weeks. Woo hoo! This is so easy. You’ll lots of time after this to do crossword puzzles or plot worldwide domination, whichever you prefer.
TIDBITS
1) Lake Baikal is in Russia. Its depth reaches from the surface to the bottom and contains around 20% of the world’s unfrozen fresh water. You could make a lot of ice from the water in Lake Baikal. That ice could chill a lot of mugs filled with blessed, soothing root beer.
2) The Russians have always known this. This is why America and Russia faced off for decades in the Cold War. The United States in particular, worried then that the Soviets would restrict the supply of ice cubes. Indeed, Brezhnev in 1968, severely curtailed the export of ice from Lake Baikal.
5) It is no coincidence that riots broke out in one American city after another that year. Crime spiked. Did things suddenly worsen from 1967? No, but without ice from Lake Baikal, Americans could not properly ice their root beers. Problems that people shrugged off easily with the aid of ice-cold root beers, suddenly became insurmountable, maddening even.
8) The United States wasn’t the only country to face disintegration in 1968. Russia invaded Czechoslovakia to put an end to the ice riots that ravaged the country. Millions perished in China’s cultural revolution. We now know Mao launched this horrific plan to hide the even more hideous fact from his countrymen; there weren’t enough ice cubes in the country to cool all the root beer.
9) But President Johnson knew the Russia’s Achilles heel. He threatened to ban exports of root beer to Russia. The root-beerless Soviets backed down and ice flowed, not quite the right verb, to all corners of the world. Tensions between nations diminished considerably and people hugged each other everywhere. The New York Mets even won the World Series next year. And bluebirds sang.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
People committing felonies will not be allowed to have any bacon or chocolate while serving hard time.
I know this is severe, but what person would EVER commit a serious crime knowing the consequence of being without these two delicacies year after year? No one.
I rest my case. What this country needs is tough love.
Vote Bacon & Chocolate in November for a Safe and Tasty Tomorrow.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Crime is bad. Let’s get rid of it. Is our present system of incarceration working? No. Who was responsible for this? The Democrats and Republicans. Who will fix it? Bacon-And-Chocolate. How? I’m glad you asked. Here is our five point program.
1) Convicted criminals will never get bacon or chocolate. Our current system allows prisoners to enjoy socialized bacon and chocolate. That’s no deterrence at all. Geez!
2) Convicted criminals will download software for all the law-abiding citizens in their community. They will work with customer service until the myriad of issues are resolved.
3) Convicted criminals will be forced to stay at home. Municipal, county, state, and federal governments will save billions and billions of dollars on prison construction costs, prison maintenance, and prison staff.
4) Criminals who leave their homes will be sent to maximum-security cells for life. It bears repeating, these ne’er do wells will still be without chocolate and bacon for life . They will still do software downloads for life.
5) These ne’er do wells will also be forced, in their short free periods, to read and re-read James Joyce’s Ulysses until their minds explode trying to understand it. Moreover we will, if allowed, by human rights organizations, serve lutefisk everyday to our hardened criminals.
No person alive would even contemplate committing any crime when faced with the above five consequences. Crime would disappear from our great country within the year. Money spent on law enforcement could be used to balance budget and distribute free bacon and chocolate to all Americans.
Vote Bacon-And-Chocolate. Honest and Tasty.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Paul De Lancey's Blog 