I don’t know why I started wondering about people eating Venus fly traps. Are fly traps a good source of fiber? Do they promote regularity? Are they bitter? Anyway, I thought these things and soon enough I wondered:
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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Kiruna, Sweden June 14, 2018 City views of the iron mining town of Kiruna
The top rated dining establishment is the highly loved Stejk Street Food. This established gets a 5.0 out of 5 from TripAdvisor’s food critics. Well done, Stejk Food. You’ll never forget the restaurant itself. It’s inside an warm, authentic Sámi tent. They serve tasty Swedish street food. Their Arctic reindeer and moose subs are fantastic. It’s also vegetarian friendly; try the halloumi (It’s a semi-hard unripened cheese made from sheep’s and goat’s milk.) The staff is friendly and professional. You really should go here.
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Winning the bronze medal is Camp Ripan kitchen. Its terse diners love it’s good Swedish, great ambience, and friendly staff. It’s vegetarian and vegan friendly.
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Be sure to visit Kiruna Kirkya . This large wooden church was built a century ago for the Sámi people. It has been voted to be Sweden’s most beautiful building. And it’s downtown, so you can walk to it. Well, perhaps during a wintry snowstorm
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Then reserve your spot on the Snowmobile Aurora Expedition with dinner. Snowmobiles, dinner, and the Aurora Borealis. What more do you want?
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Go on TreriksrÖset. According to Kiruna’s visitors, it’s a beautiful hiking trail with points of interest.
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Visit LKAB’s Visitor Centre. It’s the world’s largest underground iron-ore mine. The town of Kiruna was built around this mine.
Finally, see the Esrange Space Center. It has a science museum, an observatory, and a planetarium. A family that visited noted they went there. They also recommend that you go there as well. Yeah, tourists in Kiruna really don’t waste many words, do they?
But perhaps the visitors’ words are taken away by the many wonderful things to see in and around town.
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As always, “Good eating. Good traveling.”
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
I am ready. I am able to dispense with stupendously bad advice only one date late because:
1) I had a spasm of productivity.
2) I am holding an ice-cold root beer.
3) I am caught up with laundry.
So, I shall once more be dispensing stupendously bad advice.
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CC asks: How can I sing if I’ve lost my voice?
Dear CC: You need to buy an iLarynxTM. Download songs to your iLarynx. Then carefully open your throat with a sharp, sterilized knife. Note, I cannot stress this enough, this self surgery is dangerous without proper sterilization. After the iLarynx is safely and comfortably placed in your throat, sew up with a thin thread. The color of the thread should match the color of your skin. I would also like to recommend purchasing the thread before performing the surgery. You only have maybe ten minutes before you lose consciousness due to loss of blood. It’s doubtful you’d be able to get to the store and back in time, especially if there’s some oaf with thirty items in the ten-items-or fewer line who also insists paying with exact change.
If you forgot to download songs to your iLarynx before surgery, may I recommend downloading songs via Wifi? If you don’t have Wifi, I suggest getting the service. Making a small hole in your throat to attach a cable from your computer seems like a false economy.
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RAS asks: I’m going on the Atkins diet. Should I put my dalmatian dog Trotsky in charge of the shopping because he likes protein and fat?
Dear RAS: Absolutely, as there apparently little evidence that the low-carbohydrate Atkins diet does anything useful at all. It would probably be safer to follow Claude Akins’ diet. Unfortunately while a superb, forceful actor, Mr. Akins never got around to publishing a cookbook. So, by default, you’ll have to follow the example of your dog and who doesn’t like dogs? Also, there is an elegant simplicity in a dog’s diet of meat which you don’t even have to cook if you don’t want to. (A side benefit of not cooking is saving money on a stove.) And don’t forget dog biscuits. Dog biscuits are so hard that they naturally grind away any plaque on your teeth. No plaque, no dental visits and who likes to go to the dentist?
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MA asks: Should I look under a toadstool for some grub?
Dear MA: It’s a lot better to look under toadstools for grub than at the toadstool itself as toadstools are often poisonous. Mushrooms look a lot like toadstools, but are not directly poisonous. Mushrooms are, however, yucky and icky beyond belief. Indeed mushrooms are quite possibly the fungus of the Devil. Do not, do not, eat mushrooms. If you do, your soul becomes his and you will go to Hell for all eternity. Enough said.
So you should instead look under the toadstool for sustenance, but what would you find there? A few twigs perhaps. A roly poly, if your lucky and are a meat eater. However, rolly pollys are best eaten at a sushi restaurant, where its taste is only displayed to its greatest advantage by a trained chef. And do you have a rolly polly sushi bar near you? I think not.
Far better than a rolly polly is the magnificent taco. The taco is God’s food and possesses magical, healing properties. Go get yourself a taco and be satisfied, healthy, and virtuous. Perhaps there’s a taco shop right around the block from you. If you live in northern Greenland, you’re screwed.
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JL asks: What should I do to earn some quick cash? *GULP*
Dear JL: You are so close to having a great idea. Everybody loves Seven ElevenTM’s Big GulpTM. Indeed soft drink sizes keep going up and up. One soda cup at a convenience, a hard word to spell, got so big that you had to hold onto two ropes to carry it. Clearly there is a big interest in drinking big sodas. However, most people are unable to drink that much soda. But we would pay big interest in watching people try.
So simply form your own Big Soda Drinking League (BSDL.) Collect corporate sponsorships. Let their money come rolling in. In the meantime, before the season starts, go into training by drinking ever and ever larger amounts of soda in one sitting. Go for the gold. Excelsior! That or pole dancing.
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TLH asks: Should I adapt Paul De Lancey recipes to be vegetarian friendly?
Dear TLH: Absolutely, any recipe by Paul De Lancey is fantastic. The easiest way to make his recipes vegetarian friendly is start with a recipe that’s already vegetarian. This is the sort of thing that seems obvious only after someone says it.
Alternatively, go to the store and buy vegetarian substitutes for various meats. Some of these substitutes are good, some are okay, and some taste like soap. They are, however, uniformly expensive. How expensive? You’ll have to take up robbing banks. Be careful, though, about serving vegetarian substitutes to law enforcement. They’ll take it as a sign of you living way beyond your means and start investigating you.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Nepali Entree
NEPALI PIZZA
(chatamari)
INGREDIENTS
1 cup black lentils (matpe beans)
3 cups water
1 cup water (about, check for consistency of batter as you add.)
½ cup ghee or butter (1 additional cup later.)
6 garlic cloves
½ tablespoon ginger
1 large onion
½ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
6 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 Roma tomatoes
2 chicken breasts or substitute with 1 egg per chatamari
INGREDIENTS – BASE
3 cups rice flour
1 cup ghee or butter
½ teaspoon salt
makes 12 chatamaris. Soaks overnight, then takes about 1½ hours.
SPECIAL UTENSIL
food processor
Soak black lentils in water overnight or until lentil skins become loose. Rinse lentils with water. Drain. Add lentils, 1 cup water, and ½ cup ghee to food processor. Blend until you get a smooth paste. Dice garlic, ginger, onion, and tomato. Thoroughly mince chicken. Add garlic, ginger, onion, pepper, salt, and oil to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Add tomato, lower heat to medium and sauté for 1 minute.
Add rice flour, lentil paste, and salt to large mixing bowl. Mix with hands until you get a cake-like batter. Gradually add about 1 cup water until you get the right consistency. Add ghee to pan. Melt ghee using medium heat. Add 3 tablespoons ghee to the pan for the first chatamari and then add more later as necessary. Add ⅓ cup batter. Make base by spreading batter evenly and thinly with spatula until it’s 8″ in diameter. Cover base with equal amounts of minced chicken and sautéed garlicc/onion. Cook using medium heat for 3-to-5 minutes or until chicken/garlic/onion.is done. Chicken should be completely white. Cooking times tend to go down for each chatamari.
TIDBITS
1) There is no I in team or Nepal, but there is an I in victory and Nepali.
2) Nepali is an anagram for Alpine, which is cool. The Alps and Nepal are also cool from their tall mountains.
3) There is a lot of Snow, gratuitously capitalized, in the Alps and in Nepal.
4) Snow is an anagram for swon.
5) The plural form of swon is also swon, just like the plural of moose is moose.
6) The swon is the natural enemy of the moose.
7) The exciting swon festival is held every year or so in Crebano, Ruritania. Come early to see to the exploding cabbage competition.
8) If you are having trouble finding Ruritania on your map, may I suggest heading to Nepal for Holi, or the Festival of Colors, to celebrate the end of winter. However, it’s held in March and you’ll be in the Himalayan Mountains. It’s kinda like going to Wisconsin for your spring break. However, you do get paint yourself with various dyes. Again, like going to Madison, Wisconsin to see the Badgers play football. The one true difference between Nepal and Wisconsin is that the Nepali like to eat chatamari while the Wisconsinites prefer to munch on bratwursts. Your call.
9) If you happen to be Asia a month earlier, you might wish to see the Naked Man Festival in Japan. The best one is reportedly held in Okayama, although how they decided this is difficult to measure. The men, clad only in loincloths race toward Saldaji Temple to collect lucky sticks. I can just see a naked man saying, “Honestly officer, I’m not fleeing an enraged husband. I’m participating in the Naked Man Festival.” The officer will roll his eyes. “Like I haven’t heard that one before.”
10) After participating in the Naked Man Festival in Japan and having gotten drunk for two months, missed your flight home, and having your wallet and ID stolen, why not take in the Penis Festival held the first Sunday of April? People head to the Kanayama shrine to see giant penises, made, I hope, from paper maché or wood. Appreciate the many penis drawings and costumes.
11) Lovers or bamboo and buns will not want to miss the Cheng Chau Ben Festival held every May in Hong Kong. Contestants climb a giant bamboo covered in Chinese steamed buns. Um, okay, it’s not entirely clear whether the tower is covered in Chinese steamed buns or the climbers are covered in them. Either way, it’s pretty darn exciting. Anway, buns picked from the top of the bamboo tower or taken on the backs of the contestants to the top are consider luckier than ones at the bottom. People there go vegetarian during this festival. It’s not clear why. Maybe I would too if I had to climb a tall tower with steamed buns all over me.
13) Meat lovers will want to savor the Pig Parade held in Malolos, Philippines in mid September. Watch pigs dressed in all sorts of costumes and wearing makeup. See if you agree with the judges’ decision of the best dressed pig. But win or lose, it doesn’t matter in this egalitarian contest as winners and losers alike get roasted for the magnificent feast.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Mexican Appetizer
INGREDIENTS
1 jalapeno pepper
½ medium honeydew melon
1 peach
1 red bell pepper
½ teaspoon cilantro
1½ tablespoons lime juice
PREPARATION
Remove seeds from jalapeno pepper. (Remember to wash hands after doing this.) Remove seeds from honeydew melon, peach, and red bell pepper. Dice jalapeno pepper, honeydew, peach, and red bell pepper. Add all ingredients to serving bowl. Mix with whisk until well blended. Goes well with chicken, fish, and tortilla chips.
TIDBITS
1) This dish is not that spicy hot as it contains only one jalapeno pepper. However, there are people who sweat profusely even at the sight of a hot pepper. Some people are even tempted to strip off all their clothes in order to get relief from the spicy heat.
2) If your one of these people may I suggest attending the Global Rainbow Gathering in La Paz, Mexico? The festival runs from November 1 to 30 and celebrates peace and love. And nudity, but you’ll already be nude because you panicked from the spicy heat of a jalapeno pepper and doffed your clothes in front of everybody. But it’ll be okay because many of the other revelers will naked as well. You’ll feel one with the universe and friends with everyone as sample the plentiful marijuana. Discuss healing the world with your new-found friends while getting a massage from Sunshine. Don’t expect to imbibe alcohol here; the emphasis is on good, clean fun.
3) Crave nocturnal excitement ‘round Christmas time? Visit Oaxaca, Mexico, on December 23 for the Night of the Radishes. No, this is not a low-budget sequel to The Night of the Living Dead. It is the height of after-dusk vegetarian excitement. Radish growers neighboring towns assemble for perhaps the largest radish-carving competition in the world. See culinary artists depict scenes from the Bible, history, and mythology from huge, carved radishes. Enjoy gigantic radish salads while watching spectacular firework displays. This festival is a must for the radish lover in all of us.
4) Visit the Zacatecas, Mexico for its La Morisma celebration. Held in late August, this festival features a staged battle between thousands of Christian and Moorish warriors. I had never heard of Moorish soldiers getting to Mexico, so it all sounds historically dubious. Men and women, people of all ages dress up in period uniforms and recreate fictitious battles for three days. Whoa. Fine wandering bands of musicians provide additional entertainment. Note, people who fit it well with the Global Rainbow Gathering usually do not enjoy this event. It’s an either or sort of thing.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
American Soup
INGREDIENTS
2 carrots
2 celery stalks
2 medium onions
2 red bell peppers
1 cup fresh spinach
3 big tomatoes
1/2 cup raw, unsalted peanuts
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1/2 cup milk
2 cups vegetable broth
2 bay leaves
1 teaspoon Jamaican All Purpose spice
1/2 teaspoon ground mustard
1 teaspoon parsley
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1/2 teaspoon tarragon
1/2 teaspoon thyme
SPECIAL APPLIANCE
spice grinder
PREPARATION
Mince carrots, celery, onions, red bell peppers, spinach, and tomatoes. Grind peanuts into powder. Add all ingredients to large soup pot. Cook on medium-high heat until soup boils. Stir frequently. Lower temperature to low heat and simmer with lid on for 40 minutes or until onion and carrot is tender. Stir occasionally.
TIDBITS
1) This Powegian soup has a rich tradition.
2) In late 1863, Annabelle and Clayton Morrison left Vicksburg, Mississippi for good. They had lost everything during the Great Siege even though they had resolutely taken no sides during the Civil War. The Confederate Army had requisitioned all their crops, all their livestock. The Yankees burned their home and all their buildings to the ground.
3) After the briefest of cries, Annabelle had told her husband she never wanted to see their accursed land again. But Where would they go?
4) “I’d like to go to California to grow carrots, celery, red bell peppers, spinach, tomatoes, and peanuts,” said Clayton,
“Why, I declare,” said his devoted wife, “when did you come up with this pla?.”
Clayton furrowed his brows for dramatic effect. “I’ve always wanted to grow all that.”
“I never knew,” said Annabelle. “Why did you never say anything about it.”
Clayton shrugged. “There’s a powerful lot of pressure ‘round these parts to grow cotton. Folks would have laughed at me if I had grown anything but cotton. King Cotton, hah!” He gestured to the burnt farms all around. “Annabelle, I need to go to California, where a man can grow whatever produce and herbs he wants and no one will think the less of him for it.
Annabelle nestled against her husband’s shoulder. “And so you shall. I’ve always wanted to catch a peak of the Golden State.”
4) And so, Annabelle and Clayton Morrison made their way west by wagon train. They faced floods, raging rivers, poisoned wells, and Apache attacks. Some of their fellow wagoneers turned back, but not the Morrisons. Fired by their vegetarian dream, they pressed on.
5) Finally, on May 5, 1864, they reached Poway, California. Their hearts soared at the valley’s majestic beauty. So did the flocks of bluebirds that flitted and swirled about them.
6) Months later they harvested a bumper crop of carrots, celery, red bell peppers, spinach, tomatoes, and peanuts. Annabelle wanted to provide a feast right there and then.
“Not yet, dear wife. I need to go to the port of San Diego. I’ll be gone a few weeks.”
“Land sakes, Clayton, two weeks, whatever for?”
Clayton smiled. “A surprise, a wonderful surprise.”
7) Two weeks later Clayton returned bearing fabric for new dresses for his love. She had not had a new dress in years. More importantly though, he had traded for: bay leaves, Jamaican All Purpose spice, ground mustard, parsley, sea salt, tarragon, and thyme.
Annabelle threw up her hands in delight. “Now I can make wonderful. I’ve already made mayonnaise and vegetable broth and I can borrow some milk from the Hendersons.”
8) Thus Annabelle, Poway’s great pioneer lady, made her soup. And it was indeed wonderful.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Mexican Entree
SAUCE INGREDIENTS
1 fresh green chile
2 teaspoons fresh cilantro (4 tablespoons more later)
1/2 tablespoon vegetable oil (1/2 tablespoon more later)
1 16 ounce can enchilada sauce-red
1 14.5 ounce can Mexican-style diced tomatoes.
4 tablespoons parsley
1/2 tablespoon basil
FILLINGS INGREDIENTS
1 jalapeno pepper
1 medium onion
2 garlic cloves
4 tablespoons fresh cilantro
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 pound ground beef
1/2 tablespoon vegetable oil
5 ounces Cotija cheese
1 1/4 cups grated Monterey Jack cheese
OTHER INGREDIENTS
12 corn tortillas (You might want more in case some fall apart)
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
no-stick cooking spray
You might need two baking dishes
PREPARATION
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Use no-stick cooking spray on baking dish.
PREPARATION OF SAUCE
Remove seeds from green chile. Dice green chile and 2 teaspoons cilantro. Add green chile and vegetable oil to saucepan. Sauté at medium heat for 5 minutes or until green chile is soft. Add red enchilada sauce, diced tomatoes, cilantro, parsley, and basil. Simmer on warm heat and stir for 5 minutes. Set aside.
PREPARATION OF FILLING
Remove seeds from jalapeno. Dice jalapeno pepper, onion garlic cloves, and 4 tablespoons cilantro. Combine jalapeno, onion, garlic, and cilantro by hand with ground beef, and cumin. Cook and stir pepper/onion/beef mixture on medium-to-high heat until beef turns color. Add Cotija and Monterey Jack cheese. Cook until cheeses melt.
PREPARATION OF TORTILLAS
Heat the tortillas for about 20 seconds in a microwave to make them easier to roll. Pour enough oil to cover just the bottom of the saucepan. Put the pan on the BACK BURNER. USING TONGS, dip one tortilla at a time quickly in the hot oil. If the tortilla spends too much time in the oil or if you take too long to put it on a plate, the oil-dripping tortilla will fall apart; have extras until you get the hang of it.
(Try to keep up with the cleaning as you prepare the food lest your guests call the bomb squad upon arrival. Being a suspected terrorist is a true resume stain.)
FINAL PREPARATION
Add about 1/12 of the fillings’ ingredients. Roll each tortilla and put it against the side of the baking dish or as close to another rolled tortilla as possible.
Pour the sauce evenly over the tortillas. Sprinkle any remaining ingredients on top. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes or until any cheese on top bubbles.
TIDBITS
1) I have been assuming that people’s stoves measure temperature in Fahrenheit. If your stove’s temperature dial is in Kelvin, then please use the following conversion. K = (5/9)*F + 256, where K is temperature in Kelvin and F is in Fahrenheit.
2) Some people assume that enchiladas only have cheese in them. So it’s a good idea to tell people this dish has meat in it, particularly if you think they might be vegetarian.
3) Mexican cuisine is quite friendly to vegetarians.
4) A distant relative of mine, Emperor Napoleon III of France, tried to conquer Mexico in the 1860s. I had nothing to do with this venture. I wasn’t even born.
5) The price of tortillas is regulated in Mexico. The price of bread is regulated in France. The French authorities still greatly fear riots and revolutions arising from rapid increases in the price of bread. Presumably, the Mexican government feels the same way and if it ever asks me to the Presidential Palace for dinner, I will ask about this.
6) If the Mexican president ever asks me over for dinner, I shall return the favor and ask him over to my home in Poway for some really good eats.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Chinese Entree
INGREDIENTS
2 chicken breasts
2 cloves garlic
1 yellow bell pepper
2 teaspoons peanut oil
2 teaspoons sesame oil
3 tablespoons honey
2 1/2 tablespoons soy sauce
1/8 teaspoon white pepper
1/2 teaspoon ginger
6 ounces bean sprouts
2 large carrots
2 teaspoons cornstarch
1 cup rice
2 cup water
PREPARATION
Cut chicken into 1/2-inch cubes or dice with food processor. (Chicken cubes make poor ear plugs.) Scrape off skin from carrots with knife and remove tops and bottoms. Dice garlic, bell pepper, and carrots.
Put chicken, garlic, bell pepper, sesame oil, and peanut oil in large no-stick frying pan or wok. Cook on medium heat until chicken is lightly browned. Stir occasionally.
Add honey, soy sauce, white pepper, ginger, sprouts, and carrots. Cook on medium heat until all is hot. Stir occasionally. Add cornstarch. Stir in cooked rice (cooked according to instructions on bag) and serve.
Simple and tasty.
TIDBITS
1) Rice is much more popular in Asia than in the United States.
2) However, Sam Rice, of the 1924 Washington Senators, was very popular in Washington, D.C. It is doubtful many in Asia had ever heard of him.
3) 1924 was the only year the Senators won the World Series.
4) In the 1960s, some losers of the World Series later toured and played in Japan.
5) Japanese samurais of the 10th to 16th centuries were famous for their swordsmanship.
6) So naturally, samurai trading cards were all the rage in Australia in 1965. There was even a well-watched t.v. show called Shintaro.
7) I had an outfit just like Shintaro and a genuine toy sword, too.
8) Where did they go?
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Paul De Lancey's Blog 