Posts Tagged With: soda

Bad Advice Friday +1, 8-05-17

I am ready. I am able to dispense with stupendously bad advice only one date late because:

1) I had a spasm of productivity.
2) I am holding an ice-cold root beer.
3) I am caught up with laundry.

So, I shall once more be dispensing stupendously bad advice.

************************

CC asks: How can I sing if I’ve lost my voice?

Dear CC: You need to buy an iLarynxTM. Download songs to your iLarynx. Then carefully open your throat with a sharp, sterilized knife. Note, I cannot stress this enough, this self surgery is dangerous without proper sterilization. After the iLarynx is safely and comfortably placed in your throat, sew up with a thin thread. The color of the thread should match the color of your skin. I would also like to recommend purchasing the thread before performing the surgery. You only have maybe ten minutes before you lose consciousness due to loss of blood. It’s doubtful you’d be able to get to the store and back in time, especially if there’s some oaf with thirty items in the ten-items-or fewer line who also insists paying with exact change.

If you forgot to download songs to your iLarynx before surgery, may I recommend downloading songs via Wifi? If you don’t have Wifi, I suggest getting the service. Making a small hole in your throat to attach a cable from your computer seems like a false economy.

************************

RAS asks: I’m going on the Atkins diet. Should I put my dalmatian dog Trotsky in charge of the shopping because he likes protein and fat?

Dear RAS: Absolutely, as there apparently little evidence that the low-carbohydrate Atkins diet does anything useful at all. It would probably be safer to follow Claude Akins’ diet. Unfortunately while a superb, forceful actor, Mr. Akins never got around to publishing a cookbook. So, by default, you’ll have to follow the example of your dog and who doesn’t like dogs? Also, there is an elegant simplicity in a dog’s diet of meat which you don’t even have to cook if you don’t want to. (A side benefit of not cooking is saving money on a stove.) And don’t forget dog biscuits. Dog biscuits are so hard that they naturally grind away any plaque on your teeth. No plaque, no dental visits and who likes to go to the dentist?

************************

MA asks: Should I look under a toadstool for some grub?

Dear MA: It’s a lot better to look under toadstools for grub than at the toadstool itself as toadstools are often poisonous. Mushrooms look a lot like toadstools, but are not directly poisonous. Mushrooms are, however, yucky and icky beyond belief. Indeed mushrooms are quite possibly the fungus of the Devil. Do not, do not, eat mushrooms. If you do, your soul becomes his and you will go to Hell for all eternity. Enough said.

So you should instead look under the toadstool for sustenance, but what would you find there? A few twigs perhaps. A roly poly, if your lucky and are a meat eater. However, rolly pollys are best eaten at a sushi restaurant, where its taste is only displayed to its greatest advantage by a trained chef. And do you have a rolly polly sushi bar near you? I think not.

Far better than a rolly polly is the magnificent taco. The taco is God’s food and possesses magical, healing properties. Go get yourself a taco and be satisfied, healthy, and virtuous. Perhaps there’s a taco shop right around the block from you. If you live in northern Greenland, you’re screwed.

************************

JL asks: What should I do to earn some quick cash? *GULP*

Dear JL: You are so close to having a great idea. Everybody loves Seven ElevenTM’s Big GulpTM. Indeed soft drink sizes keep going up and up. One soda cup at a convenience, a hard word to spell, got so big that you had to hold onto two ropes to carry it. Clearly there is a big interest in drinking big sodas. However, most people are unable to drink that much soda. But we would pay big interest in watching people try.

So simply form your own Big Soda Drinking League (BSDL.) Collect corporate sponsorships. Let their money come rolling in. In the meantime, before the season starts, go into training by drinking ever and ever larger amounts of soda in one sitting. Go for the gold. Excelsior! That or pole dancing.

************************

TLH asks: Should I adapt Paul De Lancey recipes to be vegetarian friendly?

Dear TLH: Absolutely, any recipe by Paul De Lancey is fantastic. The easiest way to make his recipes vegetarian friendly is start with a recipe that’s already vegetarian. This is the sort of thing that seems obvious only after someone says it.

Alternatively, go to the store and buy vegetarian substitutes for various meats. Some of these substitutes are good, some are okay, and some taste like soap. They are, however, uniformly expensive. How expensive? You’ll have to take up robbing banks. Be careful, though, about serving vegetarian substitutes to law enforcement. They’ll take it as a sign of you living way beyond your means and start investigating you.

************************

Doctor Paul De Lancey

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: bad advice, bad advice Friday | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Bad Artist #24, Resolutions

BadArtist24RESOLUTIONS HAIKU #1

I won’t eat any

Lutefisk, mushrooms, and haggis

No matter how tempted.

 

RESOLUTIONS HAIKU #2

I hereby resolve

Not to misplace my glasses

More than once daily.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

 

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cartoon, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Peanut-Butter Ham

American Entree

PEANUT-BUTTER HAM

INGREDIENTSPeanutButterHam-

2 cloves garlic
1 small onion
1/4 cup honey
1 cup smooth peanut butter
2 tablespoons brown sugar
3/4 teaspoon ground mustard
3/4 teaspoon orange zest
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 tablespoon soy sauce
4 1″-thick ham slices (about 1 1/2 pounds)

SPECIAL UTENSIL

2 9″x9″ casserole dishes

PREPARATION

Mince garlic and onion. Add garlic, onion, honey, peanut butter, brown sugar, mustard, orange zest, pepper, and soy sauce to blender. Blend using liquefy or puree setting. Cut each ham slice into 4 pieces. Add peanut butter/honey mixture and ham pieces to casserole dishes. Thoroughly coat ham pieces in peanut butter/honey mixture. Marinate in refrigerator for 4 hours.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Put casserole dish in oven. Bake at 350 for 30-to-40 minutes or until ham is hot all the way through.

TIDBITS

1) Chef Paul gives Jones Soda his coveted “Best Tasting Ham-Flavored Soda Award” for its 2007 Christmas edition of ham-flavored soda. While not needed to win the award, the soda company went the extra mile and made this beverage kosher and caffeine free. Well done.

2) Indeed, 2007 Jones Soda displayed great culinary creativity. Its attention-grabbing Christmas pack included Sugar Plum, Christmas Tree, Egg Nog and Christmas Ham flavors. Its Hanukkah selection gave us Jelly Doughnut, Apple Sauce, Chocolate Coins and Latkes sodas.

3) In 2006, Jones Soda rolled out: Dinner Roll, Green Pea, Sweet Potato, Turkey and Gravy, and Antacid sodas for the holiday season. Clearly, this company can’t be ignored by soda connoisseurs.

4) “I have not yet begun to fight.” – John Paul Jones, September 23, 1779, naval battle of Flamborough Head. It is doubtful that the illustrious commander drank sodas during the battle.

– Chef Paul

 

cover

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World, is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

 

As an e-book on Nook

 

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sugar Cookies

American Dessert

SUGAR COOKIES

INGREDIENTS

3 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup white chocolate flavored cocoa, or an extra 1/2 cup sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Preparation is easier if the butter is already soft. You can accomplish this by simply taking the butter out of the refrigerator an hour before you’re ready to start. (Or you can pretend you’re Rocky Balboa getting ready for a big fight and batter those butter sticks into submission with your fists of steel.)

Use whisk to blend flour, baking powder, and baking soda in a large mixing bowl. Set aside.

Place butter, sugar, flavored cocoa, egg, and vanilla extract in another mixing bowl. Mix with hands or electric beater set on “cookies.” Gradually add in the blended flour mixture. Again, blend thoroughly.

If you have a cookie gun or cookie press to make shapes, great. If not, roll dough into little balls about an inch wide. Place dough onto ungreased cookie sheets.

Bake 8 to 12 minutes or until golden brown. Let stand on cookie sheet for 2 minutes and then cool on wire racks for faster cooling. If you don’t own a wire rack, either let the cookies cool for a long time on the hot sheet or transfer them with a spatula to a cold plate. And who says you have to wait until the cookies are completely cold to eat them? Just as long as the cookies aren’t hot enough to burn your fingers or your tongue.

TIDBITS

1) Don’t try to go through airport security with a cookie gun. I just have a bad feeling about it.

2) Does airport security like doughnuts as much as local police?

3) Britain invaded Afghanistan in the 19th century. Russia invaded it in 1980. Both countries got kicked out. Neither nation’s army carried chocolate doughnuts.

4) However, The United States went into Afghanistan in 2002 with 100,000 soldiers armed to the teeth with chocolate doughnuts. We are still there.

5) Sugar cookies are awesome, too. See how many Nobel Laureates you can name who didn’t like sugar cookies.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ice Cream Soda

American Dessert

ICE CREAM SODA

INGREDIENTS

1 cup milk
3/4 cup chocolate syrup
3 1/2 cups vanilla ice cream
2 cups seltzer (AKA carbonated water)

UTENSIL

blender

PREPARATION

Add milk, chocolate syrup, vanilla ice cream, and seltzer to blender. Set blender to “milkshake” and blend for about 10 seconds only.

Fills 4 large glasses.

This delicious drink should be served to loved ones only. (Lock your doors, close your drapes, and turn off all your lights if mere acquaintances drop by when you make this. If later they comment on these events, look worried and say, “I knew my home was haunted.” They’ll never again ask you for an ice cream soda, if they ever even come by again.)

TIDBITS

1) Soda water can be good for you! If your stomach is empty, drinking soda water once a day helps your body maintain its natural PH.

2) Eating once a day is good for you! However, your stomach will not be empty and tidbit 1) does not apply.

3) Tidbits may or may not be good for you!

4) Soda water is once again good you! Drinking it will combat bacteria causing sore throats and mouth ulcers.

5) Scotch is bad for you! It gives you hangovers and destroys brain cells.

6) Scotch and soda water is good or bad for you.

7) Drinking Scotch and soda while driving is bad for you! Remarkably, the Highway Patrol doesn’t care about Tidbit 4).

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Soda-Sadness Haikus

Sodas, oh sodas,
Why are you so unhealthy
When you taste so good?

Oh soda makers,
Why is it so hard to make
Freaking healthy drinks?

Phosphorus is bad
Caramel coloring’s bad
Life’s getting grayer.

A healthy soda,
My kingdom for good soda!
Five more syllables.

Life without root beer
Is life without a defense
To counter pure evil.

Sodas, unhealthy.
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: