humor

Niter Kibeh (seasoned, clarified butter) From Forthcoming Cookbook

Posted on August 10, 2012 by pauldelancey

Ethiopian Appetizer

NITER KIBEH

INGREDIENTS

1 pound unsalted butter
2 garlic cloves
1 cinnamon stick
3 cloves
1/2 teaspoon cardamom
1 teaspoon ginger
1/2 teaspoon turmeric
1/2 teaspoon fenugreek seeds

PREPARATION

Mince garlic cloves. Melt butter on low heat in saucepan. Add garlic cloves, cinnamon stick, cloves, cardamom, ginger, turmeric, and fenugreek seeds. Simmer on lowest heat, between off and warm, for 1 hour. Stir occasionally.

Put bowl beneath colander. Pour buttery liquid into colander. Discard solids in colander. Keep buttery liquid. This Ethiopian butter may be stored in the refrigerator.

Makes two cups. Be the first on your block to do so.

TIDBITS

1) In 1870, the French Emperor Napoleon III asked his nation to come up with a substitute for butter.

2) In 1870, the German Kaiser’s armies at Sedan captured Napoleon and over 100,000 thousand soldiers under his command.

3) This was one of the decisive defeats in the Franco-Prussian War.

4) This war gave birth to the German nation, the French Republic, and sowed the seeds for World War I, the rise of Nazi Germany, and World War II.

5) We are less sure if Napoleon III enjoyed margarine on his toast during the battle of Sedan.

6) Maybe if Napoleon had spent more time instead getting the world’s first machine guns from his nation’s arsenals to his troops in the field the war would have turned out differently.

7) But then we wouldn’t be able to have cinnamon toast with fewer calories.

8) There are pluses and minuses to every culinary advance.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Wanted! Readers From Antarctica

Posted on August 9, 2012 by pauldelancey

I’m proud to say readers from six continents enjoy my blogs. This leaves one continent where no one follows me, Antarctica. I have no idea what I’ve done to offend the inhabitants of this vast, southern land. This blindness to their feelings probably arises from my training in economics. So people and penguins of noble Antarctica, please accept my sincere and total apology for all insensitivity shown by me to you.

Please follow my blog. It could be the beginning of a wonderful friendship.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor, international | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

Moroccan Yogurt Sauce From Forthcoming Cookbook

Posted on August 8, 2012 by pauldelancey

Moroccan Appetizer

MOROCCAN YOGURT SAUCE

INGREDIENTS

3/4 teaspoon whole cloves
1 medium red onion
2 garlic cloves
1 tablespoon olive oil
3/4 teaspoon cardamom
3 tablespoons fresh dates
1 cup plain full fat or whole yogurt

UTENSIL

Spice grinder

PREPARATION

Grind cloves in spice grinder. Dice red onion and garlic cloves. Remove seeds from dates. Chop dates. (This is not license to go Lizzie Borden.)

Cook on medium-high heat: olive oil, onion, diced garlic, ground cloves, and cardamom until onion is tender. Add chopped dates. Cook for 1 minute. Put contents in mixing bowl and add yogurt. Mix with fork or whisk. Serve right away if used for kebabs. (Kebab is not a palindrome.) This is also a great bread dip.

TIDBITS

1) Dates are good for you! Dates help cure sore throats.

2) Dates help reduce the intoxicating effects of alcohol.

3) Unfortunately, most people who get intoxicated know little of dates’ beneficial properties.

4) I mean, how many times has a traffic cop pulled over a weaving driver only to hear, “But officer, I was on my way to buy some dates at the supermarket. Honestly, I was.”

5) Were dates stockpiled by Chicago’s gangsters in the 1920s? They could have been used to make alcohol like any food with sugar. And if the police raided the date warehouse, the criminals could have claimed they were there to help wipe out the latest sore throat epidemic to hit the city. Hard to say. No one talked. Best to let the subject drop.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Chinese Hamburger Bash

Posted on August 7, 2012 by pauldelancey

Chinese Entree

CHINESE HAMBURGER BASH

INGREDIENTS

1 medium onion
2 green bell peppers
2 garlic cloves
1 1/2 ground turkey
1 pound ground beef
12 ounces extra-firm tofu
1/2 tablespoon peanut oil
1/2 tablespoon sesame oil
1/3 cup honey
1/3 cup soy sauce
1/3 cup red wine vinegar
1 cup diced tomato
1/2 teaspoon ginger
1/2 teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
2 teaspoons cornstarch
About 16 buns
No-stick spray

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Large spatula

PREPARATION

This recipe is rightly called a bash. It makes about 16 to 20 patties.

Mince onion, bell peppers, and cloves. In large bowl, mix all ingredients except buns. (Don’t mince your own buns; that would be a disaster.) Be sure to make patties smaller than your spatula.

Coat bottom of frying pan with no-stick spray. Cook burgers on medium-high heat. These hamburgers are moister and more prone to crumble than their American counterparts. So, make sure you have the entire patty on top of the spatula before you turn them over. Turn them over carefully. Do not flip them. Turn them over once.

TIDBITS

1) There have been many mass migrations and conquests throughout history. Some examples are: Alexander the Great’s conquests, Rome’s conquest of the Mediterranean, Germanic tribes overrunning the Roman Empire, Arab conquests of North Africa, Mongol invasions of China, Persia, and Russia, and Spanish victories in Central and South America.

2) What do all these bloodthirsty conquerors have in common?

3) None of them ate hamburgers.

4) With or without cheese.

5) They didn’t even eat sliders.

6) Geez, the Romans ate thrush tongues, for goodness sake. What would it have hurt them to eat a Chinese Hamburger?

7) And the Vikings ate lutefisk. Lutefisk! Think of all the monasteries, towns, and libraries that were sacked because the Vikings ate lutefisk instead of Mexican hamburgers.

8) And then there would have been no Dark Ages. Learning would have flourished. We would have had colonies on the moon by the 17th century if only the Vikings had eaten burgers.

9) Or even sliders.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Greek Hamburgers

Posted on August 6, 2012 by pauldelancey

Greek Entree

GREEK HAMBURGER

INGREDIENTS

3/4 pounds ground beef
2 tablespoons feta cheese
1/4 teaspoon oregano
1/4 teaspoon parsley
1/8 teaspoon pepper
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 egg
1/3 cup bread crumbs

1/4 cucumber
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup plain yogurt
1 garlic clove

4 hamburger buns

PREPARATION

Crumble the feta cheese. Mix beef, cheese, oregano, parsley, pepper, salt, egg, and bread crumbs. Make four patties. Cook on grill until meat is no longer pink.

Mince cucumber and garlic clove and add to yogurt and mayonnaise. Mix with whisk to make sauce.

Toast the hamburger buns. Put patties in buns. Top patties with sauce. Yum.

TIDBITS

1) As far as I know, Greek hamburgers might be an invention of Greek Americans.

2) Florida leads America in cucumber production.

3) Cucumbers are 95 percent water.

4) Feta is a bad word in Western Sweden.

5) Garlic gloves hung around the neck are supposed to ward off vampires. We have no vampires in Poway, California, so I don’t wear them.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Breakfast Sandwich

Posted on August 4, 2012 by pauldelancey

American Breakfast

BREAKFAST SANDWICH

INGREDIENTS

6 sesame-seed hamburger buns

1 pound of sliced bacon

10 eggs
1 1/2 cups four Mexican cheeses
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1/4 teaspoon Beef MagicTM spice

PREPARATION OF BACON

Fry bacon in pan at medium-to-high temperatures. Stir with pan tilted away from you to avoid hot-grease splattering on you. Wear an apron. (Or a Naval Constellation Class defense shield if you can find and afford this item.)

After grease starts to form on sauce pan, add the cumin and beef allocated for the bacon. Stir frequently to avoid burning. Stop when bacon is done to the desired level of crispiness.

Remove the bacon, preferably using a spoon with holes in it. Place in a bowl with a paper towel already in it so as to absorb grease. Tamp down on top with another towel to absorb even more.

PREPARATION OF EGGS

In my house, my nine-year-old sous chef does all the scrambled eggs. (Oh geez, now he’s ten. Hurry, Paul, get this cookbook out, it’s aging him.) Cook the eggs at no more than medium heat. Add in the cheese and the spices for the eggs while scrambling constantly. Cook eggs to desired level of doneness.

FINAL PREPARATION

Put the buns in the pans. Cook only for a few seconds. This gives the buns warmth and taste while preserving their softness.

Cover the bottom bun with scrambled eggs. Add two slices of crispy bacon. Add the top bun. Pretend this tasty dish took a lot of effort when serving it to guests.

TIDBITS

1) People have been preserving and salting pork bellies for over 3,000 years, but have only been freezing packaged White CastleTM hamburgers for a few decades.

2) Bacon was rediscovered by Lewis and Clark on their epic journey. I am grateful.

3) Canadians call Canadian bacon, “back bacon.”

4) There is an institute called The Canadian Institute For The Advancement Of Bacon Studies.

5) Bacon has been used as a cure for warts.

6) The actor, Kevin Bacon, starred in the movie, A Few Good Men. I like the movie and his acting.

7) Kevin Bacon doesn’t know me.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Bacon and Spicy Fried Eggs

Posted on August 2, 2012 by pauldelancey

American Breakfast

BACON AND SPICY FRIED EGGS

INGREDIENTS

1 pound bacon
8 eggs
1 cup grated four-cheese mix
1 tablespoon Prudhomme’s Poultry MagicTM spice
1/4 teaspoon parsley
1/4 teaspoon tarragon

UTENSILS

Apron or at least reasonably protective clothes

PREPARING THE BACON

Bacon! Everyone loves bacon. Bacon!

After coming down from your bacon high, separate the delectable meaty strips from each other. This helps the bacon fry at the same rate.

Cook bacon at medium high. Bacon can go from golden crispness to ashy black in seconds. So turn over the bacon strips constantly. Do you have to worry about bacon splattering you? Yes, that is why one hand should protect you by holding the pan’s lid while you turn over the bacon. Alternatively, tilt the pan away from you while stirring.

(Does hot bacon grease hurt? My goodness, yes! Put the splattered part of your body immediately under the kitchen faucet and turn on that cold water. Don’t be proud about pouring water onto that splattered part if it can’t be put under the faucet; for example, if you were cooking in the nude–-never do this–-or cooking in a thin pajama bottom. Oh sure, cooking this way might be exciting to your partner, but getting splattered down there with scalding grease is a mood dampener.)

Put paper towels in a bowl, the cooked bacon next, then another towel. Press down on the top towel. Grease sure makes meat and other things taste great, but your stomach will hate it and your heart will want medical specialists standing by.

COOKING THE EGGS

Fried eggs taste best when cooked in bacon grease. The best alternative is butter. When cooking with butter, it is a good idea to spray the pan first with a non-stick spray. This will save minutes of pan scrubbing afterwards.

Crack eggs into frying pan. Sprinkle poultry spice, parsley, and tarragon on top of eggs. Start cooking the eggs on medium high and within a few seconds go down to medium. There is a range of opinion on how long to cook the yolk. This is a matter of taste, unless you’re like me and have an allergic reaction to any yolk that isn’t thoroughly cooked.

Make fried eggs exciting. Add grated-four cheese to it when it is nearly done. A crispy, gold cheese crust looks great and tastes fantastic too. Meat dishes can be spiced. Why not spice your eggs, too, to your liking? Salsa, anyone?

Be VERY CAREFUL about cooking eggs in the bacon grease from your wonderful bacon made just minutes ago. It is already seething with hot and agitated bacon-grease molecules. Fried eggs don’t need to be turned over, once if you prefer, so you don’t need to watch constantly. But you will need to make sure they don’t burn. So, wear that apron, hold that lid, and tilt that pan. And when scooping the eggs out of the pan, use a spatula with holes in it so the grease stays in the pan on not on the eggs.

And it all tastes great. Bacon and eggs served to your sweetheart in bed makes a wonderful morning.

TIDBITS

1) The great film director Alfred Hitchcock loathed eggs. He directed a scene where an actress put out her cigarette in a runny egg yolk.

2) A hard-boiled egg spins faster than one that is not.

3) Presumably, the Earth would spin faster if it were hard boiled.

4) You’d need a large pan to hard-boil the Earth. And a really big stove as well.

5) Eggs age faster at room temperature than in the fridge. They also age slower if left in the carton.

6) Similarly, people keep quite well if put them in a refrigerator. Consult your local law enforcement when attempting this experiment. You’ll be pleased how quickly they’ll come over.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Egg Foo Young

Posted on August 1, 2012 by pauldelancey

Chinese Entree

EGG FOO YOUNG

INGREDIENTS 

VEGGIE-CHICKEN MIX

1 small chicken breast
1 medium white onion
2 stalks green onions
1 stalk celery
1 garlic clove
1 cup bean sprouts
2 teaspoons sesame oil
1/2 teaspoon cornstarch (2 tablespoons more later)
1 1/2 tablespoons soy sauce (1/4 cup more later)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon white pepper

2 tablespoons peanut oil
8 eggs (2 at a time)

no-stick spray

SAUCE

1/4 cup soy sauce
1 tablespoon dry sherry
1 tablespoon water
2 tablespoons cornstarch

PREPARATION

Dice chicken breast, white onion, green onion, celery, and garlic clove. Put sesame oil in frying pan or skillet. Add onion, green onion, celery, clove, and sprouts. Heat on medium for about 5 minutes or until veggies are tender. Stir frequently.

Add chicken breast, 1/2 teaspoon cornstarch, 1 1/2 tablespoons soy sauce, salt, and white pepper. Cook for about 3 minutes on medium or until chicken bits have all changed color. Remove veggie-chicken mixture from frying pan and set aside.

Beat eggs. (This should be easy as your grasp of mixed-martial arts exceeds that of the genial egg.) Spray pan with no-stick spray. Heat peanut oil on medium. Add 2 eggs and cook on medium until eggs begin to set. Flip over egg patty. (You might want to use two spatulas. I wonder if any chefs use crossed spatulas as their coats of arms.) Or could use a spatula to cut the big patty into four manageable patties each time you add a layer of eggs.

Add about 1/3 of the veggie-chicken mix to the top of the patty. Add 2 more eggs and cook on medium until eggs on top begin to set. Flip over the whole patty. You should now have 2 layers of eggs and one mix. Repeat this step 2 more times until you have 4 layers of eggs and 3 of the mix. Watch the egg layer each time you flip the whole patty. Be careful that they don’t burn. Lower the heat, if at any time, the egg layer browns.

Remove the patty, or patties, from the pan and set on serving plate.

SAUCE

Put1/4 cup soy sauce, dry sherry, and water in frying pan. Bring to boil then immediately turn off heat. Add 2 tablespoons cornstarch and mix until sauce thickens. The sauce add flavor, texture, and enhances the appearance of this entree.

(This is especially true if you went the “one big patty” route and it fell apart during cooking. Refrain from cussing in Swahili. Simply cover the broken patty completely with sauce. Nobody will ever know there’s a break in the patty after you’ve divided the patty into two, three, or four pieces.)

Just smile and serve.

TIDBITS

1) Untying knots becomes easier when you sprinkle it with cornstarch.

2) While Alexander the Great was busy conquering the Persian empire he came across a two ropes tied together at Gordian. A prophet told him if could separate the ropes he would win many victories. People pooh poohed the idea that anyone could untie the intricate knot, but Alexander simply slashed the knot into two with one mighty sweep of his sword. To this day, the Gordian knot is a metaphor for not having cornstarch on ones person.

3) Alexander did indeed conquer quite a few exotic lands, even unto India. But he never quite reached China.

4) So, the Great one never got to taste egg foo young.

5) Did China have egg foo young in the time of Alexander the Great, some 2,300 years ago? Would he have like it?

6) We just don’t know. There just weren’t any many alternative military cuisinal historians around.

7)Is “cuisinal” even a word?

4) See above for 4).

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Soda-Sadness Haikus

Posted on July 31, 2012 by pauldelancey

Sodas, oh sodas,
Why are you so unhealthy
When you taste so good?

Oh soda makers,
Why is it so hard to make
Freaking healthy drinks?

Phosphorus is bad
Caramel coloring’s bad
Life’s getting grayer.

A healthy soda,
My kingdom for good soda!
Five more syllables.

Life without root beer
Is life without a defense
To counter pure evil.

Sodas, unhealthy.
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor, obsevations, poems | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stir Fry Chicken

Posted on July 30, 2012 by pauldelancey

Chinese Entree

CHICKEN STIR FRY

INGREDIENTS

2 chicken breasts
2 cloves garlic
1 yellow bell pepper
2 teaspoons peanut oil
2 teaspoons sesame oil

3 tablespoons honey
2 1/2 tablespoons soy sauce
1/8 teaspoon white pepper
1/2 teaspoon ginger
6 ounces bean sprouts
2 large carrots
2 teaspoons cornstarch

1 cup rice
2 cup water

PREPARATION

Cut chicken into 1/2-inch cubes or dice with food processor. (Chicken cubes make poor ear plugs.) Scrape off skin from carrots with knife and remove tops and bottoms. Dice garlic, bell pepper, and carrots.

Put chicken, garlic, bell pepper, sesame oil, and peanut oil in large no-stick frying pan or wok. Cook on medium heat until chicken is lightly browned. Stir occasionally.

Add honey, soy sauce, white pepper, ginger, sprouts, and carrots. Cook on medium heat until all is hot. Stir occasionally. Add cornstarch. Stir in cooked rice (cooked according to instructions on bag) and serve.

Simple and tasty.

TIDBITS

1) Rice is much more popular in Asia than in the United States.

2) However, Sam Rice, of the 1924 Washington Senators, was very popular in Washington, D.C. It is doubtful many in Asia had ever heard of him.

3) 1924 was the only year the Senators won the World Series.

4) In the 1960s, some losers of the World Series later toured and played in Japan.

5) Japanese samurais of the 10th to 16th centuries were famous for their swordsmanship.

6) So naturally, samurai trading cards were all the rage in Australia in 1965. There was even a well-watched t.v. show called Shintaro.

7) I had an outfit just like Shintaro and a genuine toy sword, too.

8) Where did they go?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, international, recipes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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