Posts Tagged With: murders

Be Very Afraid

jet

I got an internet ad enticing me to fly a plane, no experience necessary. Darn exciting offer,  yet I declined. I fear my piloting would end up as high-impact aerobics. Also, property values along my proposed flight path would likely plummet as soon as word got out. On the other hand, this is a mistake I could only make once.

“He flies through the air
“with the greatest of ease,
“The daring young man
“With the flying machine.”

– Paul R. De Lancey, Intrepid Birdman

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Bad Artist #9, The Scream

BadArtist9

Fortunately, Mr. Munch, love the name, deposits his paychecks directly to the car dealership.

And now a haiku for car repair bills.

 

#$%@@! $%#&*

%^(*{!@ !@#%*+ ++|!

!@#@@##

 

– Paul the Bad Artist

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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I Invite Syria’s Assad Over For Dinner and Root Beers

RootBe1-

Bashar al-Assad, president and dictator of Syria is getting way too cranky and needs to step down. And if the only thing that’s making him cling so tenaciously to power is the lack of a good retirement dinner, I, the Powegian Chef, am hereby offering it to him at my humble home.

So, Bashar, do you like Greek cuisine? I have fresh grape leaves growing in my front yard. Or would you prefer a fine Cuban sandwich? I’ll leave the menu to you. Just let me know.

We could watch reruns of Gunsmoke after dinner. We have a fold-out sofa bed if you’d care to stay the night. For the first ten minutes of the next day we could visit the cultural sites of Poway, twenty if we’re lucky enough to see street repair.

My wife could expertly cut your hair. Just a trim, of course, your hair always looks great. And just how do you find time to go to barbers when you’re always so busy killing off your people? Some of those victims surely must be barbers and that means it’s even tougher to get that haircut-to-kill for look . Yep, it can’t be easy being a maniacal dictator. But I’m being uncharitable. We all have our faults. Me, I’m constantly losing my car keys.

But I digress. We were talking about dinner. Frankly, a person as odious as yourself deserves to be fed lutefisk. But in the spirit of live and let live, I’ll serve you any other meal you’d might want. We’ll even have ice cold root beers. If that doesn’t make you warm and fuzzy enough to call off your civil war, I don’t know what will. C’mon over Bashar!

– Paul De Lancey, concerned world citizen

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Our Land’s Welfare Leeches

 turtles

The welfare system continues to spiral out of control. Millions and millions dollars of our tax dollars flow into the lazy mouths of these lazy bums who do little but sleep, eat, and make more lazy bums. A great many of these welfare kings and queens hail from other countries without even the most basic of IDs such as drivers’ licenses. Indeed they thumb their noses, metaphorically at least, at us, the taxpaying citizens of this great land. Who are these burdens to the American economy?

The creatures in our nation’s zoo. As the great philosopher Hobbes, or someone else, could have said, “There is an implicit social contract between our zoos and its critters. The zoo provides food and shelters. The animals therein provide entertainment by jumping up and down, running, chattering, and at the very least moving.”

But do our zoo’s animal do much moving? Heck no. They sleep, sleep, and sleep. Big whoop. The worst offenders are the koalas, turtles  and lions who sleep twenty hours a day and for whom the act of munching on their grub makes their little black hearts beat like jackrabbits. What will gets these sleeping bum off the their butts?

Speed? Well, no. It’s illegal, isn’t it? At least for people it is. And I, for one, don’t want any of the zoo’s purchasers going to jail.

But what about high-energy drinks? One of those little bottles gets a person whizzing about for about five hours. Imagine how long it would get a tiny koala going? Heck we might even get to see those koalas pole vaulting and boxing each other.

Or since the lions and turtles sleep so much because they need all their energy to digest their stupid gazelle butts and turtle pellets, why not feed them something all our red-blooded American kids love, breakfast cereal packed with hig- energy sugar? I tell ya, fifty bowls of little sugar bombs in the lions’ breakfast bowls would get those lions roaring. Or how about hearing turtles roar? They’re usually ever so quiet. I tell you one could visit a zoo fifty times and never hear a turtle roar. Well, I want to hear a turtle roar. Don’t you?

Or even better have the roaring turtles do honest-to-goodness 100-yard dashes, one’s where they sprint as quickly as Usain Bolt.  Wouldn’t that draw those paying crowds into our nation’s zoos?

– Paul De Lancey, concerned citizen

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Like Moths to a Flame

Take my beautiful, adoring women. Please!moth

According to the advertisements I get on line, there are literally dozens of beautiful women eager to have me invest in foreign currencies. Of course, this is all understandable as I know the purchasing-power parity condition, e.g.,

Price of Big Mac (denominated in dollars) = ($/Euro) * Price of Big Mac (denominated in euros)

However, I already have a wife who would love me even if I didn’t understand foreign exchange. So, I don’t need these beauties and their euros and yen. I’m sure my wife would feel the same as well.

So, visit me on Facebook and claim one of my admirers. It would be nice, if at the same time, you purchased one of my novels. I mean, fair is fair.

I could have had a really cool photo of a 5 lempira note from Honduras but I’m having problems with my scanner. Sorry.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Dreamer

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: finance, humor, international, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Artist #5, Words

BadArtist5

Haiku to Heteroskedasticity

Some words are quite long
Heteroskedasticity
Is one of those those.*

* = “Those those” because the last line needs five syllables. Haikus aren’t easy to write either.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fixing America’s Health Care With the TSA

Our country lies way down the list of developed countries in terms of effectiveness and in cost of our private health-care system. Moreover, many Americans complain quite bitterly about Obamacare, the president’s solution. America’s second biggest beef is the invasive full-body pat downs of the TSA at airports. What to do?

Simple. Give all the TSA personnel medical training. That way when they paw our breasts, squeeze our testicles, and probe our butts we could be getting tested for breast and prostate cancers FREE OF CHARGE.

We all know that prevention is much more effective in keeping us healthy than treatment after coming down with diseases. Thus, it is plain my proposal would save each American family thousands of dollars every year in lower medical bills.

Another benefit of my system is that health care could only get better with each different terrorist attempt to smuggle weapons onto a plane. Suppose, a no-goodnik smuggled a deadly explosive by shoving it way up his butt, it WOULD BE GREAT NEWS to all of us over 50. We’d get free colonoscopies from the hands-on folks of the TSA.

Now, if we could only get the TSA to recruit from Hooters and Chippendales.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  medical reporter.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Funny #5, Love Hurts

funny5 See kids, take economics in school.

– Paul R. De Lancey the matchmaker

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Paraguayan Corn Bread (sopa Paraguaya)

Paraguayan Entree

PARAGUAYAN CORN BREAD
(sopa Paraguaya)

INGREDIENTSCornBread-

6 tablespoons butter (used three times for 1, 2, and 3 tablespoons)
1 large sweet onion (or onion)
1 2/3 cups whole milk (or milk)
2 cups cornmeal
3/4 cup grated mozzarella (or white cheese)
1/2 cup grated cheddar (or yellow cheese)
3 eggs
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper

SPECIAL UTENSIL

bread-loaf pan

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Mince onion. Separate egg yolks from egg whites. Melt 6 tablespoon butter. Coat sides of bread-loaf pan with 1 tablespoon of melted butter. Add 2 tablespoons of melted butter to frying pan. Sauté the onions at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onions soften. Reduce heat to low. Add milk, stirring constantly. Do not let milk boil. Reduce heat to warm if necessary. Add cornmeal gradually, stirring constantly until mixture becomes well blended.

Remove pan from heat. Add mozzarella cheese and cheddar cheese, 3 tablespoons melted butter, salt, and pepper. Mix with fork until cheese melts. Add egg yolk and stir again with whisk until well this batter is well blended. Stir eggs white with whisk in another mixing bowl until stiff peaks form. Fold egg whites carefully into batter.

Pour batter into buttered bread-loaf pan. Bake at 400 degrees for 30-to-40 minutes or until corn bread is golden brown or until toothpick comes out clean after insertion.

TIDBITS

1) Paraguay became independent from Spain in 1811. For years, maps listed the country as “Parrot Gay”. Some centuries ago a Jesuits settlers befriend a homosexual parrot. They named the gay parrot, Frank. The settlers eventually ate Frank. This region could have been called Parrot à l’orange.

2) Paraguay is now rated “boring” by many travelers.

3) In1812, Portugal helped celebrate Paraguayan independence by invading the little country. A period of anarchy followed by a dictatorships. None of these dictators did anything fun, such as promote soccer or karaoke.

4) Indeed, the dictatorship of Francisco Lopez, 1862 – 1869, was a particularly grumpy time. Not only were popular sports, arts and Wi-Fi connections neglected, but he managed to tick off the neighboring superpowers Argentina and Brazil. An unarguably unpleasant war followed where some 80% of adult males perished without ever having a chance to sing in karaoke clubs or even dance in conga lines.

5) By 1900, there were again equal numbers between males and females had been reestablished. My goodness, the Paraguayans were busy between the years 1869 and 1900.

6) Okay, there wasn’t an exact equivalence of males and females as the census of 1900 showed an odd number of people, 635,571 in Paraguay.

7) A moderate number of fair-to-middling strikes, anarchy, repression, and rebellions filled Paraguayan life until 1930. Soccer probably came to Paraguay during this time. We know even less about the state of Paraguayan soccer and conga lines during this era. Historians are frustratingly mute on this. But we know everything about a gay parrot that was dined upon hundreds of years ago. Go figure.

8) In 1932 Paraguay went to war with another country starting with the letter “B,” Bolivia over the supposedly oil rich lands of Chaco. This was sponsored by Standard Oil of New Jersey, who backed Bolivia, and Royal Dutch Shell, who supported Paraguay. Paraguay almost went to war with Chile which starts with the letter “C.” However, Chile, had no corporate sponsor and sat out the entire Chaco conflict.

9) Chaco rhymes with taco. Tacos are from Mexico. Tacos are a peaceful food.

10) Peace between Bolivia and Paraguay broke out in 1935. Paraguay got most of the Chaco land and Bolivia got guaranteed access to the sea via the Paraguay River. So some good came out of the war. Paraguay was safe for karaoke, conga lines, and vaudeville.

11) But not for long, a military revolt resulted a new dictator in 1936. Unrest, repression, lutefisk vendors, and murders cursed the country for decades. Soccer managed to flourish; it is a resilient.

12) In 2000, a stable civilian government finally took over. The new leaders vigorously support karaoke and conga lines. (Vaudeville disappeared worldwide decades ago.) Tourists are starting to flock to Paraguay. The future looks bright for this county.

13) However, researchers from the University of Dili, recently concluded that Paraguayans were among the crabbiest people on Earth.

14) You’d be crabby too if your country missed out on vaudeville. But soccer, karaoke and conga will heal all. And boring would sound pretty darn good after centuries of conflict. So there.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Croque Monsieur

French Appetizer

CROQUE MONSIEUR

INGREDIENTSCroqueMonsieur-

6 ounces sliced Gruyère cheese
4 tablespoons butter
2 1/2 tablespoons flour
1 1/2 cups milk
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 bay leaf
8 slices white bread
6 ounces sliced ham, thin but not paper thin

2 ounces grated Gruyère cheese

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 375 degrees and set to broil. Slice 6 ounces of Gruyère cheese. Grate 4 ounces of Gruyère cheese.

Use medium heat to melt butter in small pot. Add 1/2 of the melted butter to pan. (Reserve half of the butter.) Add flour. Cook at low-medium heat for 2 minutes. Stir frequently. Add milk, nutmeg, pepper, and bay leaf. Cook at medium heat for 8 minutes or until sauce thickens. Remove from heat. Remove bay leaf. Set aside sauce. Stir with whisk or fork until blended.

Top a bread slice with 1/4th of the ham and 1/4th of the sliced cheese. Top with second bread slice. Repeat for 3 more sandwiches. Brush each sandwich with 1/4th of the remaining melted butter. Put sandwiches in pan and fry at medium heat for 2 minutes per sandwich side or until golden brown.

Put sandwiches on baking sheet. Spoon sauce and grated cheese evenly over the 4 sandwiches. Broil at 375 degrees for 2-to-4 minutes or until cheese on top starts to brown.

TIDBITS

1) This recipe uses flour. Flower and flour are homonyms. It’s important not to get the two words mixed up. Putting flours, say white and wheat, in your sweetheart’s hair will not get you a kiss on the lips. Indeed, your sweetheart is more likely to snarl, grab a kitchen mallet, and approach you. Run.

2) And don’t use flowers in this recipe. Doing so will probably not enhance the taste of this dish nor even its texture. And my gosh, don’t even think of using the flower deadly nightshade as an ingredient. It’s poisonous. Accidental culinary deaths are bad. Deliberate culinary murders are always bad. Just say no to culinary murders.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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