Posts Tagged With: health care

Bad Advice Friday, 4-07-17

Today is once more Bad-Advice Friday. I shall be dispensing bad advice to all comers. The advice will stupendously bad.

RP asks: Pop Tart wine pairings, please.

Dear RP: While many people and all wine connoisseurs and cannibals know that white wine goes with white food and red wine goes with red food, it’s amazing how few people are aware that blue wine pairs with blue food, as in blueberry Pop TartsTM, brown wine with brown food, such as root-beer Pop Tarts. If you are unsure of the color of the paste inside the Pop Tart, may I suggest adding sprinkles to a fine rose? Sprinkles in wine always pair well with sprinkled food.

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KM asks: Can you make ice cream from Coffeemate?

Dear KM: Yes, if you have a sufficiently powerful energy source. We in Southern California have a nuclear reactor in San Onofre doing absolutely nothing. Go inside the complex while the guards are celebrating. (Well of course, their partying. It’s my birthday.) Be sure to have all the necessary ingredients for brewing before you start. You’d feel awful if you fired up a hurriedly decommissioned nuclear reactor only to discover you forget the coffee filters.

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LHH asks: Cheese Whiz or organic palm oil for that get-away weekend?

Dear LHH: It all depends. If your sweetheart is the type who prefers Cheeze WhizTM or even VelveetaTM then by all means take the Cheez Whiz. There’s nothing so arousing as having your body scented like a good burger. Also, Lots of rain forests are being cut down to produce palm oil. This is a turn off to environmentally concerned lovers. However, guys whose dates cancel at the last moment should probably bring along palm oil
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SWW asks: I’m going to interact with others, this weekend. So which should I bring up–sex, politics, religion, or all of them? If it’s all, can you give me a sentence or two that combines them?

Dear SWW: Any topic is okay as long as your suitably armed. There is nothing so frustrating as to listen to some ignorant clod go on and on incorrectly on some topic and having no way to stop the rant. Many people carry an assault rifle for this very reason. However, if you’re anti-gun, that’s okay, too. In this case, I suggest carrying a kitchen mallet. It’s dual purpose. It tenderizes meat as well as dispatching people. If however, your heart is set on offending people with the minimum of words, may I suggest the following sentence? “God demands you have frequent sex with Democrats.” (Be careful though to substitute in the word “Republicans” if talking to a Democrat. There’s nothing worse than an avoidable faux pas.)

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KD asks: What should I do if I come in contact with a one-eyed, two-toed flying purple people eater (not to be confused with a trump supporter).

Dear KD: It was never clear to me if the song referred to a purple monster that ate all people or merely a monster that ate purple people. If the later interpretation is true, than I am safe as I am note purple. However, I never ever take blueberry baths. I don’t want to look purple in case I run into a purple-people eating monster. However, things get existential if the monster devours everyone. You have two options. One, spout theoretical econometrics at the flying monster. You will rapidly put the critter into a coma. Don’t know theoretical econometrics? Surprisingly few people do. Two, smear yourself all over with lutefisk. That is the nastiest smelling stuff on God’s green Earth. The monster will stay far away from you as will all other nasally equipped beings.

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JAS asks: Is there life on Mars?

Dear JAS: There’s only one way to know for sure. Go to Mars yourself. Of course, once you arrive, there will be life on Mars as you will be there. Oh, I suppose you could look for pre-your-trip-to-Mars life. Honestly. Okay, you’ll need a powerful rocket to get there. NASA has powerful rockets. If, as I suspect, their rockets as scheduled already for future missions, you’ll have to create your method of space travel. Your space capsule should be a Smart CarTM. They’re small and have a radio and a CD player. Attach thousands upon thousands of bottle rockets underneath and along the sides of your car. Light the bottle rockets and quickly, oh my gosh quickly, get in your car and close the door. Put on your seat belt. Safety is important. And away you go.

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MH asks: Donut holes? What gives? Why should I pay more just for a bag of holes separately?

Dear MH: This is a contentious issue. Deep, secret societies are at work. President Bush wouldn’t touch this issue. Neither would Obama. His health care plan was a just an excuse to avoid tackling the doughnut-hole issue. President Trump plays golf every time some brings this up. Clearly, you’re going to have become president if you hope to find out. And be brave, be very brave.

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OM asks: Are we there yet?

Dear OM: No, we are not there yet. We want to visit the Sun. This will not happen as long as the Earth continues to orbit it. Honestly, it really seems as if we are really just going round and round. The only way to get to the Sun is to shove our planet out of orbit. To do this, we simply need to get about two billion people to jump sixty feet to the ground at the same time. Clearly, we need the cooperation of the Chinese and Indians. Travel to those countries, flash your winning smile and persuade those nations’ leader to cooperate. Should their rulers balk for some unforseen reason, they’re foreigners after all, threaten them with nuclear weapons. Don’t have nuclear weapons? Tsk, tsk, it always pays to be prepared. In that case, break into the White House and steal the attache case that launches everything. If security stops you say, “Oops, forgot this. I’d forget my head if it weren’t attacked.” Make your getaway while they laugh at your joke,

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KE asks: Is the moon really made of cream cheese?

Dear KE: Only the Cream Cheese Association (CCA) knows and they won’t tell without a million dollars in unmarked bills. If you have that much money fine, ask them. Otherwise, you’ll have to save up through hard work, rob a bank, or make counterfeit bills. Do a good job though, the Treasury Department takes a lot of interest in high quality counterfeit $100s. And gosh darn it, you should be taking pride in your work for its own sake.

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KM asks: Will masturbation really make you go blind?

(long pause)

Dear KM: No. See? I’m typing this. Ok, with touch typing I don’t need to see, but no.

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LHH asks: What happens when you smoke the filters?

Dear LHH: You see God. Do this only if your conscience is clear as you will get judged right there and then.

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NB asks: When a stranger asks me – what do I do? – how should I answer. (I think you know what I do.)

Dear NB: Oh my gosh, don’t tell them the truth. Their eyes will glaze over. Their life force will escape shrieking from their nose. Tell them you taste test artichokes. That’s what I say. Unless, of course, you can’t abide the questioner. Then by all means, tell the truth. Honesty is the best policy.

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WK asks: Where was the clock that Bill Haley rocked around?

Dear WK: No one knows for sure. It was once spotted at a flea market in Stockton, California back in 1989. Time to follow up this lead. There can’t be more than 10,000 flea markets in America. Right?

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Doctor Paul De Lancey

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

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Spotlight on Cathy Sikorski, Esq. – Author of “Who Moved my Teeth?

Excerpt from Who Moved my Teeth?

 

CHAPTER ONEfuckingteeth

WHAT SHOULD I HAVE ALREADY DONE?

Here’s a list of things you should do if you haven’t done them already, either for your loved one that you are/or will be a caregiver for quite soon…OR FOR YOURSELF!

  1. GET A DURABLE POWER OF ATTORNEY….ACTUALLY GET TWO OR THREE!

What is a Power of Attorney? This is a critical document that allows someone to take care of your healthcare and business affairs. And everyone in the healthcare and caregiving business will ask you if you have a POA (Power of Attorney).

A Power of Attorney document comes in a few flavors. There are generally two types of POAs and they need to be Durable, kind of like a good pair of Levi Jeans. Durable means that no matter what happens to you, as a living person, the POA stays in effect. That’s a good thing because what would be the whole point of a POA if it doesn’t work when you can’t.  Like my Nana’s orthopedic shoes, she was never without them because she needed them for her health. And, during your life, you should never be without your Durable POAs.

  1. Durable Health Care Power of Attorney

This document allows a person to make all major and minor healthcare decisions for their loved one. The person who signs the Power of Attorney is giving the power to you or someone else to act as if you are the signer. So, if your mom signs a Durable POA, and gives the power to you, she has made you her agent.  You now have the power to act as if you are your mom in all health care situations. If you sign a POA and make your spouse your ‘Agent,’ your spouse now has the power to act as if he is you in all health care decisions concerning you.

This does not prevent Mom from continuing to make her own decisions about her health care. It does allow the agent, the POA, to make decisions, if necessary. Or, at the very least, as the POA you now have the authority to talk to everyone about your mom’s health care.

Does this replace that damned HIPAA form? Yes and yes. There is nothing wrong with you also having your loved one sign a HIPAA form that gives you authority to discuss medical issues, but the Durable Healthcare POA is the best and most powerful document you can have. And it lasts forever, until the person who signed it cancels it in writing. That’s why you need 2 or 3 originals. I always gave my clients 3 originals. In case one gets lost, is never returned, or becomes lining for the cat litter box somehow.

An original Durable POA means it has all original signatures and it is signed and witnessed by a Notary Public. So, if you have three original Durable POAs, you will have to sign in all important places 3 times and the Notary will sign each one separately as well.

  1. Durable Financial Power of Attorney

This document is different from a Health Care Power of Attorney. The person who signs this type of Durable Power of Attorney is giving the power to you or someone else to act as if you are that person in all financial situations. So if your mom gives you a Durable Financial POA, you now have the power to act as if you are your mom in all financial situations. This too, is a very powerful document. Since the agent is in the shoes of the person who assigned the power. The agent can buy, sell, transfer, pay, not pay and clean out every penny and asset there is. It sounds bad and ominous.  And there is no doubt that checks and balances are a good thing when you give a Durable Financial POA to someone. But never underestimate the NEED for this document.

  1. Between Spouses

Unless you have a real problem with your spouse, and I’m pretty sure that’s a Dr. Phil book, or if your spouse is already suffering from mental incapacity or incapable of making financial decisions, you and your spouse under normal circumstances should give each other Durable Healthcare and Durable Financial POAs.

This is a protection in case anything unplanned would happen to either of you. You would already have these documents in place to handle any emergency. I’m talking to you. The healthy baby boomer who is reading this, or the Gen-Xer who suddenly realizes their mom and dad are getting older. Hey! We are all getting older! If you are over 18 years old, you should consider Durable POAs for yourself. When my children went to college, I had them sign Durable POAs. As adults living hours away from home, I did not want any nonsense from a hospital or a college administration saying they wouldn’t talk to me about my child’s condition, be it a health or financial condition.

Fast forward to your own life now. You are 30-something or 40-something. You have kids, a nice house, a couple of cars. You have an accident. You are disabled. You’re in a coma. Your husband can’t sell the house, car, or shares in Microsoft, because they belong to you. The hospital wants to put a shunt in your brain to stop the bleeding but no one has the authority to say “yay” or “nay.” That’s why everyone needs Durable POAs at every stage of their adult life. Not when you’re 85 years old and you think, “hey, something might happen to me.”

DO IT NOW, DO IT NOW, DO IT NOW.

No one even needs to know you have these documents. You can go to your local wonderful attorney, get the paperwork done, put it in your fireproof box in the basement, and when someone needs to find your important papers….Voila!! There it is. Just make sure someone knows you have important papers and where they are located.

 

  1. A Word on Durable POAs

Besides being the most important document you may not have yet and need to get, POA’s can also be like a Chinese menu. Any lawyer worth her salt will take you through a process where you need to decide exactly how much power you want to bestow. In Pennsylvania, for example, where I reside, there are very strict rules about things like how much money can the POA give as a gift and to whom. So please, find a lawyer. Ask your friends, neighbors, someone you know who has dealt with issues like this. Research lawyers, but find one, and get your affairs in order. It’s that important, because if you need this and you don’t have it, this is what happens next…………….

  1. Whom Do I Choose to be my POA?

 

This question is complicated. Usually, if you are healthy and happy as a couple, you would choose each other as your primary POA. You should always have an alternate POA in case something happens to both of you simultaneously.

If your spouse is unable to be your POA, or you don’t have a spouse, you need to choose a person you can trust completely. This person will have power over your money and your health. You need to choose wisely.

Normally, it would be best to choose a daughter or son or other relative who lives close by. Making these decisions, especially with hospitals and doctors usually needs a person who is available to go to those places or meet with those healthcare professionals.

 

When deciding who to choose as your POA ask yourself some questions:

  1. Do I trust this person completely with my money and/or my health?
  2. Will they be available to make decisions at a moment’s notice?
  3. Are they capable of making these decisions?
  4. Does this person know how to find and ask for help for me?
  5. Do I want to put all the financial or health care power with one person, or do I want to give joint or several powers?

Caution: It can be challenging to have joint POAs because if they disagree, there is no one to ‘break the tie.’ You can have ‘either or’ POA’s. So that if you name your son and daughter as joint POA’s, your son and daughter can make decisions jointly or by themselves (severally). Note that they need to be able to work together for the several powers as they can make decisions without the other’s input. If you don’t see that happening, then choose one decider and an alternate.

 

Bio

cathysikorskiphotoamazon

Author of Showering With Nana: Confessions of a Serial Caregiver, Cathy Sikorski has been a significant caregiver for the last 25 years for seven different family members and friends. A published humorist, Sikorski is also a practicing attorney who limits her practice to Elder Law issues. Her combined legal and humor expertise has made her a sought-after speaker where she tackles the Comedy of Caregiving and the legal issues that affect those who will one day be or need a caregiver (which is everyone). Sikorski is a frequent guest on radio programs and podcasts where she talks about the importance of using humor in caregiving. With more than 30 years of law behind her, she provides critical legal information for our aging population. Her latest endeavor is her humorous memoir Showering with Nana: Confessions of a Serial (killer) Caregiver (HumorOutcasts Press 2015).  Sikorski has participated in memoir writing classes for two years at the prestigious Fine Arts Work Center in Provincetown, Massachusetts. She has also participated in the Philadelphia Writer’s Conference where she won a Humor Prize in 2014. Sikorski blogs for The Huffington Post and is a contributing author for HumorOutcasts.com and she can been seen on the West Chester Story Slam YouTube channel.  Known as a “Thought Leader,” her work can be found in the HappinessRecipe Anthology: The Best of Year One, published 2014.  Sikorski maintains an active blog “You just have to Laugh…where Caregiving is Comedy…” at www.cathysikorski.com  where she continues to post absurd yet true stories that continue today.Contact Cathy Sikorski at cathy.sikorski@gmail.com and follow her on Twitter at @cathy_sikorski.

 

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Paul De Lancey
www.pauldelancey.com
www.lordsoffun.com

 

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Mosquitoes, The Future Doctors

 syringe

I heard on the radio that scientists are planning to rid the world of that dread curse, malaria! Hooray! What an admirable goal. Excelsior. But how are they planning to this?

By injecting mosquitoes with malaria resistant bacteria. Um, this presents problems to my mind.

1) How are they going to get mosquitoes to show up for their injections? I like to think I am rather smarter than a mosquito, but I still put off visits to the doctor.

2) What’s in for the mosquito? Injections are painful and let’s face it, how much street cred do we have with them what with one mosquito eradication campaign after another.

3) Mosquitoes are tiny. The needle to be used on the mosquitoes must be tiny indeed. How is any doctor going to give the mosquito an injection if he can’t even see the needle?

4) How do you find a suitable vein on the tiny mosquito, particularly if the critter insists on flying around the room?

5) How do we get the doctors to this public service? Is there a fund set up to do this? Does spending government money on injecting mosquito enjoy widespread public support? Witness the controversy over Obama’s health care plan and as far as I know he didn’t include even one dollar for injecting mosquitoes.

One final thought. Why can’t we inject the mosquitoes with vitamins, so that every time we get bitten by them we also get needed nutritional supplements?

Just saying.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  medical correspondent

 

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Fixing America’s Health Care With the TSA

Our country lies way down the list of developed countries in terms of effectiveness and in cost of our private health-care system. Moreover, many Americans complain quite bitterly about Obamacare, the president’s solution. America’s second biggest beef is the invasive full-body pat downs of the TSA at airports. What to do?

Simple. Give all the TSA personnel medical training. That way when they paw our breasts, squeeze our testicles, and probe our butts we could be getting tested for breast and prostate cancers FREE OF CHARGE.

We all know that prevention is much more effective in keeping us healthy than treatment after coming down with diseases. Thus, it is plain my proposal would save each American family thousands of dollars every year in lower medical bills.

Another benefit of my system is that health care could only get better with each different terrorist attempt to smuggle weapons onto a plane. Suppose, a no-goodnik smuggled a deadly explosive by shoving it way up his butt, it WOULD BE GREAT NEWS to all of us over 50. We’d get free colonoscopies from the hands-on folks of the TSA.

Now, if we could only get the TSA to recruit from Hooters and Chippendales.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  medical reporter.

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Bacon & Chocolate Party’s Affordable Care Act

First there was Governor Romney’s health-care legislation.

Then there was President Obama’s health-care act.

Now great news! Here’s

BACON & CHOCOLATE PARTY’S

Comprehensive AFFORDABLE CARE ACT >>>>>>>

Vote Bacon & Chocolate in November

For a Tasty  Tomorrow

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