Posts Tagged With: soccer

Turtles That Tango

 

Hector’s vegetable matter outfit makes him irresistible Photo Courtesy of Steve Kramer

What’s the latest craze sweeping the nation?

Is it televison dance contest with stars?

No.

Is it a television dance contest with ordinary men and women?

No. And that’s rather specieist of you.

It’s a dancing with turtles.

Specifically, Turtles That Tango.

Yep, that gets your heart pumping faster as you root for your favorite turtles to out tango the rest. Fill your adrenaline fix by watching it every week on ESPN8. You’ll never watch football or soccer again.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Il Pomodoro Wins Tutta Italia Soccer Title; Opponents Cry Foul

Cesare “Instant Death” Borgia, tenacious defender

Italian soccer fans still buzz about the tiny, virtually unknown, Il Pomodoro club winning the prestigious Tutta Italia Championship.  Pomodoro took a 1-0 leader just 33 seconds into its first-round game when striker Piero Albrizzi headed the ball into the opponents goal.

The opposing club, SSC Napoli, shrugged. So Albrizzi scored a goal. Big Deal. Everyone knew he could score. But the club was also aware, as were all soccer teams, that Il Pomodoro was just plain horrible on defense. A 9-1 defeat proved to be all too frequent for the Il Pomodro Tomatoes, whose motto is “Ci proviamo duro” or “We try hard.”

Then coach Vicenzo de’ Medici unleashed his secret weapon. As soon as his team got the ball, he called time out and substituted rattlesnakes for all his players. Alberto Pazzi, knowing the extreme slowness of rattlesnakes, ran to take the ball away from rattler Cesare Borgia. While rattlesnakes move slowly across football fields, they strike like lighting. And so, Borgia sunk his fangs into Pazzi. Pazzi sunk poisoned to the ground. Naturally, none  of the SSC Napoli players felt like approaching Pomodoro’s rattlers after that. Il Pomodoro simply ran out the clock and won 1-0.

The next three rounds against Juventus, Atalanta, and Inter Milan followed the same script. Super fast Albrizzi would score an early goal and then on came the rattlesnakes. Every game ended with a Pomodoro victory of 1 – 0.  The 74,223-to-1 underdog was now soccer-mad Italy’s top dog.

The grumbling about using snake as soccer players continue. As of press time, Italy’s Soccer Federation, is seriously considering banning the use of non-human players. If the Federation fails to prohibit animals, look for the introduction of black bears, tigers, and pumas into the game. We live in exciting times.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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The Hottest New Sport #2 – Ceiling Soccer

Regular soccer is boring. Where’s the head rush in playing it? If only we could make it different.

I’m glad you spoke up. It’s time to play Ceiling Soccer.

How does one play Ceiling Soccer? Simply pump up the ball with helium. (Don’t use hydrogen; it’s prone to exploding in flames.) The ball will rise to the top. How do we get the players to ceiling? Magnetize the arena’s walls and ceiling. Make the soccer shoes metallic. The players can now climb up the walls and stay on the ceiling.

Will the players be upside down? Absolutely. Won’t the players’ blood pool into their head? Oh yes, that’s how they’ll get their head rushes. Will the jerseys need to be metallic as well? Yes, or else gravity will pull them off the players.

Ceiling Soccer.

GOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLL!

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Fun Festivals – Swamp Soccer World Cup

Love soccer? Lover a shorter game? Love mud?  Head on over to Finland and Scotland.* The last Swamp Soccer World Championship (SCWC)  I could find took place in Finland. It might have even been held in Hyrynsalmi, Finland  At any rate, the SCWC is usually held in Finland in the middle of June (Sorry, you missed it this year.) 200-to-300 teams from all over the world compete. The SCWC which has been organized by the so-called Swamp Barno Jyrki Väänänen** since 1998. There are five different ways to compete: men’s, women’s, mixed, men’s hobby, and Masters of Swamp.

The Soccer World Cup is usually held in Scotland on the last weekend of June, just after the World Championship in Finland.. There are rumors of it being held in China, India. and Turkey.

Six players are on each side. Each half lasts for 12 minutes. There are no offside penalties. This is fantastic for all those who never understood the rule in the first place. Other little rules abound. As of about 2018, no Polish team had ever competed.

For my Italian readers, these four sentences translate as Ami il calcio? Ami un gioco più breve? Ami il fango? Dirigiti verso Finlandia e Scozia.

For my English speaking readers, this translates as Swamp Baron Jyrki Väänänen who got the whole thing started. Yay Jyrki!

Swamp soccer arose from the practice of Finnish cross-country skiers to train in swamps.

Mud soccer is lots of fun. Be sure to register for the next Swamp Soccer madness, whether in Finland, Scotland, or whenever. Let me know how it turns out.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Biryani From Pakistan

Pakistani Entree

BIRYANI

INGREDIENTS

2 medium onions
1 pound lamb or chicken
2 green chiles
1 garlic clove
¾” ginger root
1 large tomato
3 cardamom seeds
3 cloves
1½” cinnamon stick
¾ teaspoon garam masala
3 peppercorns
1 teaspoon red chile flakes or ½ teaspoon cayenne
½ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon turmeric
6 tablespoons ghee or butter
1¼ cups basmati rice
2½ cups water
1 bay leaf
½ teaspoon saffron or  ¾ teaspoon safflower
¼ cup warm water
½ cup fresh mint leaves

SPECIAL UTENSILS

blender or food processor
mandoline
sonic obliterator

Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

Slice onions ⅛” thick using mandoline or knife. Cut lamb into 2″ cubes. Seed and dice green chiles. Use food processor to turn garlic cloves and ginger root into a paste. Puree tomato in blender.

Add green chile, onion, cloves, cardamom seeds, cinnamon, garam masala, peppercorns, red chile flakes, salt, turmeric, and ghee to large pan. Sauté at medium-high heat or until onion softens and browns. Stir frequently. Add garlic/ginger paste. Sauté at medium heat for 5 minutes or until garlic/onion paste becomes fragrant. Stir frequently. Add tomato. Cook at medium heat for 3 minutes. Add lamb. Cook at medium heat for 5 minutes or until lamb starts to brown. Stir occasionally. Reduce heat to low, cover, and simmer for 30 minutes. Stir enough to prevent burning.

While lamb simmers, add rice, 2½ cups water, and bay leaf to pot. Bring to boil using high heat for 15 minutes or until rice is al dente. Stir occasionally and add water as necessary to avoid burning the rice. Remove bay leaf. Drain and set aside. Add saffron and ¼ cup warm water to small mixing bowl. Stir, Add rice and saffron/water mixture. Cover and simmer at low-medium heat for 30 minutes or until rice is tender. Stir occasionally. Remove cinnamon stick.

While lamb/rice/saffron simmers, dice mint leaves. Garnish dish with mint leaves. Use sonic obliterator on any guest who crosses you in any way at anytime during preparation or serving.

TIDBITS

1) Pakistan is home to the ATM at the highest elevation in the world, 15,397.

2) The highest polo stadium on Earth is also in Pakistan. at 12,140 feet.

3) This means you can leave the stadium after a particularly exciting match and still have to climb up over a half mile to withdraw some cash. So, It really is best to come prepared with enough money for post-game activities.

4) Over half of the world’s hand-sewn soccer balls come from Pakistan. The British rulers of Pakistan, during the time of the Raj, loved to play soccer. But it took forever to ship soccer balls from Britain to Pakistan. The rest of the trip was by train. By the time, the soccer balls got to the soccer pitches, everybody would have gone home months ago. So, the British soccer officials asked the local businesses to make soccer balls. They produced fantastic leather spheres. Now, the British could play soccer whenever they wanted. The local businesses burgeoned. Now Pakistan dominates the hand-sewn market.

5) This is just one consequence of global imperialism.

6) Pakistan’s national anthem has been rated as one the best in the world. Well done, Pakistan.

7) On the other hand, two Pakistani brothers created the world’s first computer virus. Boo.

8) In 2011, Pakistani officials arrested a monkey crossing its border with India. I don’t know the charges. I’d really like to know the charges. No passport?

9) The national fruit is the mango.

9) One of the two national languages of Pakistan is Urdu. Only 7% of the population speak it. The most used non-English language is Punjabi.

10) Okay, suppose you’ve just withdrawn some rupees from the word’s highest-up ATM and you wish to buy some mangos at the local market. How would you say it? You would tell the merchant, “Iha aba kina hai?”

11) There, you have one fewer thing to worry about should you ever travel to Pakistan.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Papo de anjo (Cheesy egg puffs)

Brazilian Dessert

PAPO DE ANJO
(syrupy egg puffs)

INGREDIENTSPapoDeAnjo-

1 cup water
1 cinnamon stick
3 cloves
1¾ cups confectioner’s sugar
½ teaspoon vanilla extract
9 egg yolks
1 egg white
no-stick spray
1 tablespoon butter

SPECIAL UTENSIL

12-cup muffin tin
electric beater
casserole dish or oven-safe ban large enough to hold muffin tin

Takes 2 hours or more, depending on how long you wait for the syrup to permeate the egg puffs. Makes 12 egg puffs.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Add water, cinnamon stick, cloves, and sugar to pot. Cook using low-medium heat for 2 minutes or until sugar dissolves. Stir frequently. Add vanilla extract. Bring sugar water to boil using high heat. Stir constantly. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 5 minutes or until sugar water becomes a syrup. Stir frequently. Remove from heat and cover.

Add egg yolks to first mixing bowl. Beat egg yolks using electric beater set on whip until they are frothy and have doubled in size. Add egg white to second mixing bowl. Beat egg white using electric beater set on whip until egg white forms soft peaks. Fold egg white into first mixing bowl with egg yolks.

Spray muffin cups with no-stick spray. Coat muffin cups with butter. Ladle equal amounts of egg mix in muffin cups. Put muffin tin in casserole dish. Add water to casserole dish until it comes halfway up the muffin cups. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until egg puffs become firm and become golden brown. Remove from oven and cool on wire rack for 30 minutes.

Add syrup and egg puffs to mixing bowl. Poke holes in egg puffs with toothpick. syrup. Ladle syrup over egg puffs. Let egg puffs sit for at least 30 minutes to absorb syrup. Refrigerate if egg puffs will sit in syrup for several hours or overnight. Tell adoring guests to use forks when eating this dessert. Tell unappreciative people to syrupy cheese puffs with their hands.

TIDBITS

1) Papo de anjo is an anagram for Joan Pod Poe.

2) Joan could be a descendant of Edgar Allan Poe. It’s hard to say.

3) It’s also quite possible that Joan goes every year to the Bloco de Lama or Mud Festival in Paraty, Brazil.

4) This year the festival was held on February 16.

5) Which is still useful information if you have a time machine.

6) If not, you will have to wait for next year. Plan way in advance! Hotels fill up early as this is a happening event. Where else do you get to smear mud all over yourself and chant, “Uga, uga, uga, rah, rah, rah” with thousands of other mud-covered revelers?

7) Some say the festival honors our caveman/cavewoman roots. Other maintain it pays hommage to the fishermen who would rub mud over themselves to keep mosquitoes away.

8) I don’t know why the fishermen didn’t use bug spray, wear hats with mosquito netting, or simply wear light clothes over every inch of their body.

9) But now, Bloco de Lama, which I hope means blockhead llama in Portuguese, is quite the party, with a blend traditional native music, hip hop, rave, and other musical genres.

10) And dance the night away in your prehistoric bikinis and SpeedosTM.

11) And then go back to your hotel, take a nice, hot relaxing bath, and let the mud gently fall from your body to the bottom of your spacious tub.

12) Boy! I bet housekeeping really hates this festival. Can you imagine having to every day clean dozens of tubs caked with dried mud?

13) No wonder the maids of Paraty, Brazil refer to the tourists as blockhead llamas.

14) Pele, the world’s greatest soccer player, is not a llama. Indeed, no soccer players are.

15) Soccer players do get muddy though when they play on muddy soccer fields. This just happens. It is not done to honor their Neanderthalic ancestors.

16) Indeed mud can be found all over the world, wherever there is dirt and rain.

17) If your town has mud, why not start its own Mud Festival? It’s a guaranteed tourist draw, especially if Joan Pod Poe makes an appearance. Just don’t call her a pod person. She doesn’t like it.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Kedjenou (chicken stew from Ivory Coast)

Ivory Coast

KEDJENOU
(chicken stew)

INGREDIENTSKedjenou-

2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 eggplant
3 tomatoes
2 jalapeño or other hot peppers
3 garlic cloves
2 onions
3 tablespoons peanut oil
¾ cup chicken stock
1 bay leaf
1 tablespoon ginger
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon thyme

Takes about 2 hours
makes 8 bowls

SPECIAL UTENSILS

large oven proof pot or casserole dish with tight fitting lid
tin foil, if lid does not fit tightly

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Cut chicken into 1″ cubes. Peel and cut eggplant into ½” cubes. Seed and dice tomatoes. Dice chile peppers, garlic cloves, and onions.

Combine all ingredients into large, oven-proof pot. Stir. Cover pot with lid. If the lid doesn’t make a tight seal, cover pot with tin foil and then the lid. DO NOT remove lid while baking. Bake at 325 degrees for 90 minutes. Use oven mitt to shake pot every 10 minutes to prevent chicken and other ingredients from sticking to the bottom and sides.

After the 90 minutes of baking has passed, check to see if ingredients are tender. If not, replace foil and lid, bake for another 30 minutes, and check once more for doneness. Again, use oven mitt to shake pot every ten minutes. Goes well with rice or attiéké, made from grated, fermented cassava. Attiéké can be found in African food markets.

TIDBITS

1) This recipe call for skinless chicken breasts.

2) It would have been exciting if one of the ingredients were shinless chickens.

3) I don’t know if chickens have proper shins.

4) Or even improper shins.

5) You need to wear shin guards if you play soccer.

6) This advice holds if you are human or a chicken.

7) Have you ever beheld a chicken playing soccer without shin guards?

8) No, I don’t think so.

9) Ivorians, people from the Ivory Coast, love to play soccer and often play in the World Cup.

10) They also love chicken.

11) So we can conclude they love to see chicken play soccer.

12) Of course, chickens can play soccer. Their tiny size enables them to dribble the ball easily through the legs of any defender.

13) And my gosh, chickens sure can head the ball into the net. Their brain is so tiny that concussions really can’t damage their intellect. And the best chickens can fly for up to  200 feet. They can indeed get to any ball in the air. One flick of the hen’s head and there’s another goal for poultry.

14) Ivorian chicken soccer is of the highest level.

15) Ivorian chickens would play in the World Cup except for the fact that the men’s national soccer team is still somewhat better than the poultry squad and a nation may only enter one team in the tournament.

16) Greenland’s human soccer team garners few victories and never qualifies for any international tournaments. The land’s chickens hatch from the shell with moves that would have put Pele to shave. One would think that the Greenlandic chickens might have a good chance for soccer fame.

17) Unfortunately, it’s a tough life for any chick yearning for soccer glory. Actually, it’s a short life. Greenland’s arctic freezes one chicken after another. Sure, they could survive playing indoor soccer, but as of press time, no Greenlandic municipality has budgeted for an indoor poultry soccer arena.

18) This isn’t so much of a concern for human soccer players, but Greenlandic chickens are terrified of being eaten by polar bears on their way from the coop to the indoor soccer arena.

19) An obvious solution would be to send Greenland’s soccer chickens to a country without a top-level human team, Albania for example. However, the process of navigating the bureaucratic mazes to get poultry visas to Albania has stopped everyone so far. We can only dream.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Algerian Fruit Salad (chlada fakya)

Algerian Dessert

FRUIT SALAD
(chlada fakya)

INGREDIENTSFruitSalad-

½ honeydew or cantaloupe
2 apples
2 bananas
5 oranges
6 strawberries
½ teaspoon cinnamon
2 tablespoons sugar
¼ cup lemon juice
⅓ cup orange juice
2 tablespoons orange blossom water
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

PREPARATION

Peel and seed honeydew. Cut honeydew and apples into ½” cubes. Peel bananas and cut into ½” slices. Peel and seed oranges. Separate orange wedges. Cut orange wedges in half. Remove stems from strawberries. Cut each strawberry into 6 pieces.

Add honeydew, apple, banana, strawberry, and orange to large mixing bowl. Gently toss fruit. Add cinnamon, sugar, lemon juice, orange juice, orange blossom water, and vanilla extract to small mixing bowl. Mix with whisk until sugar dissolves. Sprinkle liquid over fruit in large mixing bowl. Toss gently. Serve immediately or chill for up to 2 hours. Toss again after chilling.

TIDBITS

1) Albert Camus was born in Algeria. He won a Nobel Prize.

2) Claude Cohen-Tannoudji was born in Algeria. He won a Nobel Prize.

3) I was not born in Algeria. I have not won a Nobel Prize.

4) Monsieur Camus played goalie for the University of Algiers soccer team.

5) I played goalie a few time in Australian league play.

6) So, playing soccer doesn’t help you win a Nobel Prize. And Monsieur Cohen-Tannoudji got his prize without any known soccer playing. And calling the game football doesn’t help either.

7) The main thing is to be born in Algeria.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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I Might Just Cancel the World Cup Final

Germany versus Argentina: Meh. Can’t get excited about this one. Argentina just beat one of my three favorite teams, Netherlands. Germany defeated the United States. SoccerBall2Boo! I like German and Argentinian food equally well. And oh gosh, the game the Dutch lost was a mind-numbingly 0-0 tie that ended in a shoot-out. The Netherlands team played their last 240 minutes of World Cup play without ever scoring! I might just take my soccer ball and go home. They can’t play the final without a soccer ball. I know billions of people are waiting excitedly for this game, but I’m having a really bad day. So there! Unless, of course, Argentina or Germany let me play for them. Not only will I bring the soccer ball necessary for the game, I promise to score the winning goal. Wait could be more fair than that? I’m waiting for a phone call from Argentina and Germany. Taps foot.

(Photo of my soccer ball shown above.)

– Sports Czar Paul R. De Lancey

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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My Favorites for the World Cup Semifinals

Brazil over Germany. I’m feeling very hemispheric right now. I’m also upset about the vicious tackle that took out a Brazilian star. I didn’t see it, but still. I just got reminded how SoccerBallWest Germany and Austria effectively colluded in a World Cup match in 1982 to keep Algeria from advancing. Grr! Besides I like Brazilian food a lot more. BRA is the three letters internet reports use for Brazil or Brasil. Women wear bras. I like women. GER for Germany, is one letter away from being germ. Germs make us sick. Advantage, Brazil.

Netherlands over Argentina. I’m not feeling hemispheric loyalty anymore. Besides, I lived in the Netherlands and enjoyed it very much. My brother played soccer in the Netherlands for the American International School. No one in our family has even been to Argentina. Got to love those orange uniforms. The Dutch monarchy is descended from the House of Orange. A popular drink in the Netherlands is Oranjeboom, or Orange Tree. There’s also Dutch ovens. I love Dutch ovens. They make cooking so much easier. There’s no such item or beer, that I know off that has anything about Argentina in its name. Poffertjes is a great Dutch dessert. Sure, the Argentinian barbecue is great, but I’m in a mood for dessert. Oh, and hot air rises in Holland. A real estate agent  once told my mother and I that. I have no such confirmation for Argentina.

– sports reporter, Paul De Lancey

 

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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