Posts Tagged With: murders

Much has been made lately about how illegal aliens are the root cause of our country’s woes. Fine debate indeed, often reaching the lofty level of thinking. But unfortunately, all this animated discourse obscures the greatest threat to America.

Poorly groomed zombies.

I mean look at them. They wear shabby clothes, never comb their hair, and always, always have unsightly blood smears around their mouths.

Everyone knows I’m no prude and am incredibly open minded, but the undead really creep me out. They putrefy all over the place and don’t even get me started on zombie marriage.

Zombies don’t even attempt to fit in. Is it so hard to bathe? I know it’s hard to own a home with a shower in it when you lose all your assets upon death. But if you have the initiative to find people and eat them–especially when your live victims are so much faster than you–then how hard is it to find a public shower, at the beach for instance?

And if you can’t shower every day, why not carry around a supply of moist towelettes? You’re just not going to get invited to any neighborhood barbeques with blood dripping off your chin. It just gives you away as someone who kills and eats humans. And that sort is never welcome at parties.

And that brings me to another point. Why the heck, do you zombies have to eat live humans all the time? It’s so rude. Why not try live pigs? It’s the other live, white meat. And how about vegetables? Why not eat vegetables? Your body’s decaying. You really need a balanced diet. Remember roughage. Poohing is likely to more difficult for you. Not trying to be rude, just saying.

And don’t even try to collect Social Security. You’re dead, okay?

– Paul R. De Lancey, Concerned Citizen

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.