Posts Tagged With: lutefisk

How To Make Polite Conversation With Ghosts

Ghosts were people too. They have feelings. Indeed, many of them are sensitive spirits. Many of them fly away at even the mention of an exorcism.ghost Remember manners are always are must whether dealing with a friend, a socially undesirable person such as a cannibal or telemarketer, and even someone from the Great Beyond.

With that in mind here are several responses designed to make Joe or Jane Ghost feel useful and at ease.

Ghost: I’ve been dead for 126 years.
You: You haven’t aged a bit. You don’t look a day over 29.

Ghost: I’ve been wandering these halls for 423 years.
You: Oh thank goodness, you must know where to find the bathroom. I’ve been holding it in for nearly an hour.

Ghost: Do I scare you?
You: No, not a bit. You can’t be a politician. I can see right through you.

Ghost: I haven’t eaten in centuries.
You: There’s only lutefisk in the fridge.

Ghost: My business partner murdered me last year.
You: He’s being audited.

Ghost: I left the water running.
You: I turned it off.

Ghost: I have no purpose
You: Would you help me find my car keys?

Ghost: I frighten to death nearly every one I chance upon.
You: Could I give you my ex’s address.

Ghost: I can never feel the touch of a human again.
You: Dentists are people.

P.S. The size of the photo is medium.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Potato Chervil Soup Recipe

French Soup

POTATO CHERVIL SOUP

INGREDIENTSPotCheS-

3 medium brown potatoes
1/2 onion
1 medium carrot
3 tablespoons butter
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 1/4 cups vegetable broth
3/4 cup milk
2 teaspoons chervil
1/2 teaspoon French four spice (Muntok white pepper, nutmeg, ginger, powdered cloves)
1/4 teaspoon parsley

PREPARATION

Peel potatoes. Dice potato, onion, and carrot. Put potato, onion, butter, and olive oil in large pot. Sauté potato and onion on medium heat for about 10 minutes or until potato and onion begin to soften. Stir frequently.

Add diced carrot, vegetable broth, milk, chervil, French four spice, and parsley to the pot. Cook for 20 minutes. Start at medium heat reducing to low when soup starts to boil. Stir occasionally.

TIDBITS

1) People use chervil a lot more during the Lenten season than other times as it symbolizes new life and rebirth.

2) People often give up foods for Lent.

3) I always give up lutefisk.

4) Successfully.

5) During all the non-Lenten times as well.

4) I looked up fun facts for chervil on the internet. I found chervil improves the taste of radishes growing next to it.

5) Fun fact, you bet.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Corporate Sponsorship Minimum for *Bump Off Your Enemies* Literary Event

I just want all corporations clamoring to sponsor the *Bump Off Your Enemies* literary event to know we will turn down no sponsorship offers of  $100,000 or more. Even lutefisk vendors.

Heads to Heinz. We have 57 people attending. What an incredible tie in for you company. You’re welcome.

Come join the *Bump Off Your Enemies* tsunami.

*Bump Off Your Enemies*

Authors Candace C. Bowen and Paul R. De Lancey invite you to fictionally “Bump Off” your enemies in 200 words or fewer.
Enemies do not have to be specific people. They can be types of people such as telemarketers or people who block aisles in supermarkets.
Two winners will be crowned Kingpin/Queenpin. Winning entries with a short bio of the winners will be posted on Facebook, Paul De Lancey’s blogsite (www.pauldelancey.com), his website (www.lordsoffun.com), and Candace C. Bowen’s website (www.knightseries.com). Good Luck!

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: book reviews and excerpts, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Kugelis, Potato Pudding Recipe

Lithuanian Entree

KUGELIS
(Potato Pudding Recipe)

INGREDIENTSkugelis-

5 pounds russet potatoes
12 ounces bacon
1 1/2 large white onions
1/4 cup butter
6 eggs
1/2 cup milk
1 12 ounce can evaporated milk
1 teaspoon sea salt
1/2 teaspoon white pepper
1/2 cup farina

SPECIAL UTENSILS

1 9″*13″ baking dish
or
2 8″*8″ baking dishes
or
127 1″*1″ baking dishes

Serves a lot of people. We’re talking about 7 pounds of rich food here.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Peel potatoes. Grate or shred potatoes. (This is some debate about the authenticity of shredding potatoes for Kugelis. After noting how long it took to merely peel the potatoes, I fired up the trusty food processor and shredded away. Yep, I’m a rebel. Born to be Wild.)

Dice bacon. Shred onions. Put bacon, onions, and butter in frying pan. Cook on medium-high heat until bacon is done to your desired level of crispness and the onions soften. Stir frequently. Hold the pan at an angle away from you while stirring. You really want bacon splatter to head away from you.

Put eggs in large mixing bowl and beat the heck out of them. Add potato, bacon/onion sauté, milk, evaporated milk, salt, pepper, and farina. Mix thoroughly with spoon.

Bake in oven at 350 degrees for 1 hour 20 minutes or until golden brown on top. Remove baking dish from oven and let cool for 5 minutes before serving. Enjoy the national dish of Lithuania.

TIDBITS

1) Pepper is used in this recipe. It is a happening spice. Pepper was first widely used in India over two millennia ago. India is one of the world’s oldest civilizations One of every seven people in the world is Indian. India has lots of trains, great food, nuclear weapons, and customer-service reps. Okay, the last one is bad.

2) Pepper traded westward to ancient Egypt. Black peppercorns were found stuffed up the nose of the mummified body of Pharaoh Ramses II. Snorting, perhaps? Egypt was the dominant power in that region for hundreds of years. It’s chariots raced all over the countryside. Perhaps they wouldn’t have had to race all over if they had bothered to ask for directions, but you know men.

3) Some think Rome conquered great swaths of North Africa, Europe, and the Near East because the Romans were really cranky from constantly sneezing snorted pepper. The Roman Empire lasted so long because its subject were so down with the taste explosion pepper brought that they really didn’t mind constant taxation and civil wars.

4) Then around the 5th century AD, barbarians invaded and destroyed the Roman Empire for no good culinary reason. Lutefisk crazed Vikings pillaged everywhere. People stashed their pepper. The Vikings killed the stashers. Knowledge of pepper disappeared. The Dark Ages descended.

5) Around 13th century or so the Venetians started trade routes with India. Indian pepper once again flowed westward to Europe. Venice became the richest and mightiest city in Europe. Then they started making blinds and their economy tanked.

6) Portugal started the Great Age of Exploration. It sent fleets around Africa and to the Americas and sooner than you can say heteroskedasticity pepper graced the tables of people around the world.

7) Life’s been pretty good since then. Even the occasional global war was made tolerable by proper amounts of peppers in soldiers’ meals.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Happy Thoughts For The End Of The World

December 21, 2012 has come and gone in the Eastern Hemisphere. No Mayan Apocalypse for them. Hurray! However, we in the Hemisphere could still die at any time today from a rogue planet slamming into the Earth.

Bummer.

While I entertain doubts on the Eastern Hemisphere surviving unscathed a rogue planet slamming into the Western Hemisphere, let us assume the Mayans were right. After all, their calendar looks quite similar to an Oreo and we all know how wonderful Oreos are. Also, the Mayans correctly predicted the demise of the Twinkie. Enough said on that. Let’s see if we can all find reasons to be happy about the demise of the Western Hemisphere:

1) You won’t have to do anymore laundry.

2) You won’t have to pick up your kid from school. Fighting your way through crazed moms picking up their little Timmys and Janes can be hell.

3) You won’t have to assemble all your receipts for the IRS.

4) You won’t have to pay the IRS anything.

5) No more phone calls from telemarketers.

6) No worries about zombie apocalypse. The rogue planet will obliterate all zombies, if any.

7) You won’t have to do laundry.

8) Your credit card’s billing cycle ends after the apocalypse. Buy, buy, buy!

9) No more spam from Nigerians offering to give you millions.

10) No more full-body scams at the airport from friends at the TSA.

11) No more rush-hour traffic.

12) No more laundry.

13) No worries about nuclear Armageddon.

14) No more sequels to Fifty Shades of Gray.

15) No more lutefisk.

16) No more visits to the dentist.

17) No more ads for Depends.

18) No more long checkout-lines at the supermarket.

19) No more freezing of your computer.

20) No more political campaigns.

See, you’re smiling again. Happy End of the Western Hemisphere To You Day.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Picture Of Entrees, Desserts, And Appetizers From My Forthcoming Cookbook

Ice cream soda to lemongrass chicken to niter kibeh to pepper pot.

 

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I Again Invite Fidel Castro Over For Dinner

A year ago, I offered Fidel Castro a retirement dinner to celebrate stepping down  as the ruler of Cuba after about only 52 years. I, the Powegian Chef, offered it to him at my humble home. Did he RSVP? Heck no? So, I’m offering one last time. What about it Fidel? I offered President Obama a dinner at my home. He didn’t bother to reply either. What happened? I’m running against him on the Bacon & Chocolate Party. All polls that I follow show B&C’s popularity surging, carrying me into the White House in November. So I suggest your RSVP “yes.” After all biting into a sandwich with hidden lutefisk in it fills the eater with severe depression. Just saying.

So, Fidel, do you like Swedish cuisine? My grandmother was from Sweden and passed on a great, authentic recipe. Or would you prefer a fine Cuban sandwich, Cuban stuffed peppers? I’ll leave the menu to you. Just let me know.

We could watch reruns of Gunsmoke after dinner. Sorry, no post-prandial cigars at this home, but wouldn’t you really rather have a peanut-butter milkshake?

We have a fold-out sofa bed if you’d care to stay the night. For the first ten minutes of the next day we could visit the cultural sites of Poway, twenty if we’re lucky enough to see street repair.

And my wife could shave off your unruly beard. She’s really good.

C’mon over Fidel, we’ll treat you right.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: food, politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Swedish Pizza Salad

Swedish Entree

SWEDISH PIZZA SALAD

INGREDIENTS

1/2 cabbage
1 shallot
1 red bell pepper
1 medium carrot

1/2 cup olive oil
1/4 cup white vinegar
1/4 cup water
1 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/4 teaspoon allspice

PREPARATION

Shred cabbage. Dice shallot, red bell pepper, and carrot. Mix together in big bowl.

Combine olive oil, vinegar, water, salt, pepper, and allspice in a sauce pan. Stir occasionally as you bring it to a boil. Pour it immediately into bowl with cabbage and fixings.

Eat right away or allow a few hours in the refrigerator for the salad to cool and marinate and to, of course, engage in arm wrestling with your athletic guests.)

Wow! This is so simple. It’s tasty. So exotic. Well, as exotic as Sweden gets.

TIDBITS

1) Sweden was home to the Vikings who raided, killed, and pillaged all over Europe from the 9th to the 13th centuries.

2) Now Sweden mainly terrorizes the world with the weird toppings on its pizzas.

3)Perhaps Sweden’s rampaging Vikings would have been content to stay at home if they had eaten this dish instead of lutefisk.

4) Lutefisk is the worst mass-produced food in the world.

5) Lutefisk is cod soaked in lye. Yes lye, the poisonous substance. While minimally tolerable in its brick-like state, lutefisk becomes truly vile when boiled.

6) Lutefisk tastes horrible, has a glue-like texture, and looks like … well, I won’t tell you. I’m grateful that it doesn’t assault the sense of hearing.

7) Kin and loved ones gave the Vikings lutefisk whenever they left for foreign lands to go raiding. They knew more lutefisk would be waiting for them when they returned. So, they often settled in foreign lands, like the Normans who sensibly preferred Coq au Vin and pastries.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Chinese Hamburger Bash

Chinese Entree

CHINESE HAMBURGER BASH

INGREDIENTS

1 medium onion
2 green bell peppers
2 garlic cloves
1 1/2 ground turkey
1 pound ground beef
12 ounces extra-firm tofu
1/2 tablespoon peanut oil
1/2 tablespoon sesame oil
1/3 cup honey
1/3 cup soy sauce
1/3 cup red wine vinegar
1 cup diced tomato
1/2 teaspoon ginger
1/2 teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
2 teaspoons cornstarch
About 16 buns
No-stick spray

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Large spatula

PREPARATION

This recipe is rightly called a bash. It makes about 16 to 20 patties.

Mince onion, bell peppers, and cloves. In large bowl, mix all ingredients except buns. (Don’t mince your own buns; that would be a disaster.) Be sure to make patties smaller than your spatula.

Coat bottom of frying pan with no-stick spray. Cook burgers on medium-high heat. These hamburgers are moister and more prone to crumble than their American counterparts. So, make sure you have the entire patty on top of the spatula before you turn them over. Turn them over carefully. Do not flip them. Turn them over once.

TIDBITS

1) There have been many mass migrations and conquests throughout history. Some examples are: Alexander the Great’s conquests, Rome’s conquest of the Mediterranean, Germanic tribes overrunning the Roman Empire, Arab conquests of North Africa, Mongol invasions of China, Persia, and Russia, and Spanish victories in Central and South America.

2) What do all these bloodthirsty conquerors have in common?

3) None of them ate hamburgers.

4) With or without cheese.

5) They didn’t even eat sliders.

6) Geez, the Romans ate thrush tongues, for goodness sake. What would it have hurt them to eat a Chinese Hamburger?

7) And the Vikings ate lutefisk. Lutefisk! Think of all the monasteries, towns, and libraries that were sacked because the Vikings ate lutefisk instead of Mexican hamburgers.

8) And then there would have been no Dark Ages. Learning would have flourished. We would have had colonies on the moon by the 17th century if only the Vikings had eaten burgers.

9) Or even sliders.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Haiku Wednesday

Facebook’s Timeline stinks.
Ugh, more death by enhancement.
Five syllable line.

Haiku is diffi
cult. It is so darn hard to
make it come out perf-

My kitchen timer
just rang. My pizza’s ready.
I chortle for joy.

Where are my car keys?
Honey, where are my glasses?
Where is my jacket?

I hate lutefisk
It smells like festering rat
And looks like glue soup.

What is for dinner?
Moroccan berbere kebabs.
Oops, no spices. Eggs.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: poems | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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