Posts Tagged With: dentist

Are You A Restaurant Dick?

Are you a restaurant dick? Do you make other diners so miserable that they wish they were at the dentist instead? Take this test and find out.

Do you:restaurantdck

1) Yell at the waitress? (1 point)

2) Have the waiter take your picture, but don’t tip extra? (1 point)

3) Use the restaurant’s free wi-fi long after you’ve finished your meal even though the place is jammed and don’t extra-tip the waitress? (2 points)

4) Sit at a table with a friend for several hours drinking cup after cup of coffee, only to leave a 50 cent tip? (2 points)

5) Not tip the waitperson anything? (2 points)

6) Leave a note explaining you, “I can no longer afford” to leave tips (although you can still eat out) because the state raised taxes to help the poor? (1 point)

7) Do the same as 6) but say, “I don’t tip illegal Muslim immigrants to a Catholic waiter from Arizona? (2 points)

8) Pinch the waitperson’s behind? (2 points)

9) Have the pianist/singer/other musicians perform a special request for you and don’t give them a tip? (2 points)

10) Ask the singer/pianist/other musicians to be quiet so that someone at your table can read a special poem or other piece of sappy literature for the benefit of someone else at your table? (1 point)

11) Talk on your cell phone at your table? (1 point)

12) And so loudly that nearby people’s heads explode? (1 point)

13) And at fancy restaurant where people are trying to celebrate an anniversary? (1 point)

14) Constantly send back food, but never compliment the chef? (1 point)

15) Order for your partner without even consulting? (1 point)

16) Wait in line at McDonald’s for ten minutes and look at the menu above for the first time when you get to the cashier? (1 point)

17) Take two spots when parking your car? (1 point)

18) Bring a screaming child to a fancy restaurant where people are trying to be romantic and propose and other adult things? (1 point)

19) Make no attempt to take your shrieking baby outside or quiet it in anyway? (1 point)

20) Do nothing when your older kids throw tantrums? (1 point)

21) Make no attempt to corral your free-range children? (1 point)

22) Bring all the neighbor’s kids, making prevention of school-recess behavior impossible? (1 point)

23) Man-spread on the waiting seats? (1 point)

24) Loudly blow you nose? (1 point)

25) Pick your nose? (1 point)

26) Clear your throat like you are hacking up a lung? (2 points)

27) Talk loudly about your stomach surgery? (2 points)

28) Brush your hair at the table? (2 points)

29) Wear so much perfume or cologne that it destroys the taste of the food for everyone around? (2 points)

30) Set phone and/or keys on the table, because you’re frickin’ BatmanTM, and Commissioner Gordon needs to know you’re at the ready? (1 point)

31) Insist on dividing the check evenly between everyone at the table, even if there are people who did not expect this and whose meals cost considerably less than the average? (2 points)

32) Show up smelling like an unhygienic Dragon ConTM attendee? (1 point)

33) Talk with food in your mouth and smack, slobber, and slurp? (1 point)

34) Use profanity in conversion? (1 point)

35) Shout your conversation? (1 point)

36) Ask for an unlisted appetizer or entree? (1 point)

37) Order a signature entree, but making so many changes that it’s now an entirely different dish. (no mushrooms, chicken instead of shrimp, hold some of the onions but not all, baked instead of broiled, add blue cheese sprinkles but not too much, “instead of angel hair pasta, can I get that other kind?”) (1 point)

38) After 36) or 37), complain loudly and demand to speak to the owner? (1 point)

39) After 36) or 37), stiff the server? (1 point)

***********************************************************************

What does your total score mean?

0 points: You are in no way a restaurant dick. Congratulations.

1-3 points: It’s still okay for you go into a restaurant unsupervised. See a doctor about your dickish traits while they’re still treatable. You will be seated by the kitchen.

4-6 points: Cause for alarm. You may still enter a restaurant unattended. You will, however, be seated right by the men’s restroom.

7-9 points: You’re awful. You will be given a menu consisting only of kale/beet juice and lutefisk.

10-12 points: Your groin is starting to tingle! You will not be allowed inside any restaurant. The greeter will taze you if you try.

13-15 points: You’re nearly erect! You will have your have your mouth wired shut .

16-18 points: You dick! Stiffed waitresses will circumcise you. They’ll finally get their tip.

21 points and up: You throbbing dick! You will not be allowed inside any restaurant. You will be fitted with an ankle device that will incinerate you if you even try.

 

Paul, concerned diner

LutheranCookbook

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Dr. Economics – Stock Opportunities During Limited Nuclear War

StockGraph

Hold on, eager investors, I’m not going to mislead you. Not every stock is going to rise during a limited nuclear war. There will, however, be a few nuggets here and there. But first, let’s decide on a definition for a limited nuclear war. For our purposes, it shall be one modest nuclear missile lobbed at one of our major cities by some disgruntled country, DC, that is really, really peeved at us. I won’t name names, DCs, that would be impolite, but you know who you are. Don’t make me come back there.

What would be the general effect of that peeved country nuking one of our cities? Sad to say, it’s almost a certainty the market would react negatively to such news. Why? The market hates uncertainty, even more than you hated going to the dentist as a kid. Just look how the housing/lending crisis, a few hundred billion dollars lost here and there and WHAMO!, the stock market plunges 50%

But even more uncertainty would result from even so pro forma a strike as one nuclear missile. Who know, that DC might up and launch another ten or twenty missiles at our cities. If that isn’t uncertainty, then what is? So, I feel safe in saying that even one obliterated city would drive the stock market down by more than 50%. And that goes for all major indices, not just the DJIA.

Such pessimism by the market is only natural. Who hasn’t taken an occasional view whether from a marital spat, an unkind word from a colleague, or an undeserved parking ticket. But life is never all bad. All clouds have a silver lining, even a smallish nuclear war.

Suppose some bad country’s nuclear missile wiped out Chicago, forever wiping out the Cub’s chances to win the World Series. Chicago is littered with insurance companies. They would be vaporized. Less competition for out-of-Chicago insurance companies means more profits for them. More profits mean higher share prices.

There, I see the smile coming back to your face. Just make sure pick an insurance company with limited exposure to the windy city. Chicago is also a major rail and air hub. Sell all railroad and airline companies going through there in favor of ones with hubs in St. Louis or New Orleans. Furthermore, the future for hospital stocks would look particularly bright with many people likely to need multiple, expensive treats.

See? A modest nuclear strike would present many opportunities for the savvy investor. Be one.

– Paul De Lancey, Dr. Economics

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Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, 

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

 

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Pizza Crust

Italian Entree

PIZZA CRUST

INGREDIENTSPizzaCr-

2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup water
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1/2 teaspoon sugar
1/ 2 teaspoon salt
1 1 /2 teaspoons active dry yeast
no-sticking cooking spray

SPECIAL UTENSILS

bread maker
16″ pizza pan

PREPARATION

Measure out the flour and set aside. Pour the water into the bread maker. If you measure the water before the flour, the flour will stick to the sides of the measuring cup. Not the end of the world, of course, but a minor disruption in the Force, nevertheless.

Add oil, sugar, salt, and yeast to the bread maker. Do not put the yeast directly on top of the yeast. Salt is bad for yeast and yeast makes the dough rise. “Ask not what your yeast can do for you. Ask what you can do for your yeast.”

Set the timer or the menu on the bread maker to “Dough.” Wait for the required time, probably a bit more than an hour. In the meantime preheat the oven to 400 degrees and liberally spray the pizza pan with no-stick spray. This will prevent the crust from forming a glue-like bond with the pan.

Take the dough out of the bread maker and roll it out until the dough covers the pizza pan. If you do not possess a rolling pin, any canned food can will do as long as it is at least six inches tall. It is best to spray the can or coat it with a thin layer of flour before spreading the dough.

TIDBITS

1) The word “yeast” is Sanskrit for “to seethe or boil.”

2) Sanskrit is an ancient language.

3) SansabeltTM is a modern company that makes pants without belts.

4) Babe Ruth sure could belt a baseball out of the park. He was known as “The Sultan of Swat.”

5) You can form the words “tuna loaf” out of “The Sultan of Swat” and still have letters left over.

6) The yeast we use in our food is goes by Saccharomyces cerevisiae, which means “sugar fungus”

7) Why are all Latin words so long?

8) I think the Roman Empire fell because its words were so long. Can you imagine a breathless sentry running back to the Roman legions to say the Goths were just beyond the hill, massing to launch a devastating surprise attack? But because of the long Latin words, the poor sentry passes out before he can deliver all of his message. The Roman army remains ignorant of the impending attack. It doesn’t prepare for battle. The Goths slaughter the Romans. The Roman Empire falls.

9) The Dark Ages descend over Europe.

10) For a real long time.

11) Longer even than the time you spend in a dentist’s chair where time actually slows down. Albert Einstein came up with his idea of relativity while having his teeth drilled.
Why are all Latin words so long?
cover

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World, is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Happy Thoughts For The End Of The World

December 21, 2012 has come and gone in the Eastern Hemisphere. No Mayan Apocalypse for them. Hurray! However, we in the Hemisphere could still die at any time today from a rogue planet slamming into the Earth.

Bummer.

While I entertain doubts on the Eastern Hemisphere surviving unscathed a rogue planet slamming into the Western Hemisphere, let us assume the Mayans were right. After all, their calendar looks quite similar to an Oreo and we all know how wonderful Oreos are. Also, the Mayans correctly predicted the demise of the Twinkie. Enough said on that. Let’s see if we can all find reasons to be happy about the demise of the Western Hemisphere:

1) You won’t have to do anymore laundry.

2) You won’t have to pick up your kid from school. Fighting your way through crazed moms picking up their little Timmys and Janes can be hell.

3) You won’t have to assemble all your receipts for the IRS.

4) You won’t have to pay the IRS anything.

5) No more phone calls from telemarketers.

6) No worries about zombie apocalypse. The rogue planet will obliterate all zombies, if any.

7) You won’t have to do laundry.

8) Your credit card’s billing cycle ends after the apocalypse. Buy, buy, buy!

9) No more spam from Nigerians offering to give you millions.

10) No more full-body scams at the airport from friends at the TSA.

11) No more rush-hour traffic.

12) No more laundry.

13) No worries about nuclear Armageddon.

14) No more sequels to Fifty Shades of Gray.

15) No more lutefisk.

16) No more visits to the dentist.

17) No more ads for Depends.

18) No more long checkout-lines at the supermarket.

19) No more freezing of your computer.

20) No more political campaigns.

See, you’re smiling again. Happy End of the Western Hemisphere To You Day.

 

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