December 21, 2012 has come and gone in the Eastern Hemisphere. No Mayan Apocalypse for them. Hurray! However, we in the Hemisphere could still die at any time today from a rogue planet slamming into the Earth.
While I entertain doubts on the Eastern Hemisphere surviving unscathed a rogue planet slamming into the Western Hemisphere, let us assume the Mayans were right. After all, their calendar looks quite similar to an Oreo and we all know how wonderful Oreos are. Also, the Mayans correctly predicted the demise of the Twinkie. Enough said on that. Let’s see if we can all find reasons to be happy about the demise of the Western Hemisphere:
1) You won’t have to do anymore laundry.
2) You won’t have to pick up your kid from school. Fighting your way through crazed moms picking up their little Timmys and Janes can be hell.
3) You won’t have to assemble all your receipts for the IRS.
4) You won’t have to pay the IRS anything.
5) No more phone calls from telemarketers.
6) No worries about zombie apocalypse. The rogue planet will obliterate all zombies, if any.
7) You won’t have to do laundry.
8) Your credit card’s billing cycle ends after the apocalypse. Buy, buy, buy!
9) No more spam from Nigerians offering to give you millions.
10) No more full-body scams at the airport from friends at the TSA.
11) No more rush-hour traffic.
12) No more laundry.
13) No worries about nuclear Armageddon.
14) No more sequels to Fifty Shades of Gray.
15) No more lutefisk.
16) No more visits to the dentist.
17) No more ads for Depends.
18) No more long checkout-lines at the supermarket.
19) No more freezing of your computer.
20) No more political campaigns.
See, you’re smiling again. Happy End of the Western Hemisphere To You Day.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.