How To Make Polite Conversation With Ghosts

Ghosts were people too. They have feelings. Indeed, many of them are sensitive spirits. Many of them fly away at even the mention of an exorcism.ghost Remember manners are always are must whether dealing with a friend, a socially undesirable person such as a cannibal or telemarketer, and even someone from the Great Beyond.

With that in mind here are several responses designed to make Joe or Jane Ghost feel useful and at ease.

Ghost: I’ve been dead for 126 years.
You: You haven’t aged a bit. You don’t look a day over 29.

Ghost: I’ve been wandering these halls for 423 years.
You: Oh thank goodness, you must know where to find the bathroom. I’ve been holding it in for nearly an hour.

Ghost: Do I scare you?
You: No, not a bit. You can’t be a politician. I can see right through you.

Ghost: I haven’t eaten in centuries.
You: There’s only lutefisk in the fridge.

Ghost: My business partner murdered me last year.
You: He’s being audited.

Ghost: I left the water running.
You: I turned it off.

Ghost: I have no purpose
You: Would you help me find my car keys?

Ghost: I frighten to death nearly every one I chance upon.
You: Could I give you my ex’s address.

Ghost: I can never feel the touch of a human again.
You: Dentists are people.

P.S. The size of the photo is medium.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on

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