Posts Tagged With: caffeine

Bad Advice Friday, 3-31-17

Today is once more Bad-Advice Friday. I shall be dispensing bad advice to all comers. The advice will stupendously bad.

RO asks: Why do I need a trip to Hawaii?

Dear RO: Your life is stressful. Destressify your life or you’ll flip out and murder someone. Although a good lawyer should be able to get you off with manslaughter, you’ll do serious time in jail, which will cost the tax payers a lot. The state will have divert funds from hiring teachers at their universities in order to lock you up and feed your for ten-to-twenty years. The state doesn’t want to do that, you don’t want to rot in jail, and the victim doesn’t want to die. There is an opportunity for a deal. Simply walk into the governor’s and ask money for a calming trip to Hawaii if she doesn’t want to be offed. I guarantee you that within seconds she and her staff will be discussing your request with the utmost seriousness.

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RSD asks:

What is your recipe for greatest sleep ever? What tricks of the sleep trade do you have to share?

Dear RSD:

No matter hard you try, getting a good night’s sleep the first night is impossible. To heck with that noise, go for a good night’s rest the second night. To ensure a solid slumber on the second night, you simply must be completely wired with caffeine the first night. Go early to your neighborhood café or coffeehouse and chain drink coffee. Ask for a ThermosTM full of espresso. Take a walk with the Thermos until its empty. Come back for a refill. Go for another walk. Repeat, you’ll be amazed how much exercise your legs and your heart will be getting. And your mind, my gosh, it will be active all night long reviewing your life. When the next night finally comes, you’ll be so exhausted that you will sleep the sleep of the just. Happy dreams!

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DH asks: How do I keep my dog from eating butter? I go to make cookies and it’s gone.

Dear DH: The dog keeps eating your butter because it tastes good. However, being the dog whisperer that I am, I know that no dog will eat anything that turns its mouth into the fiery inferno of Hell and pooping into a burning river of lava. So, I suggest buying habañero flavored butter. If you can’t find that at your supermarket, you’ll need to inject pureed habañero into the butter. (Be sure to wash your hands before touching your genitals, though.) Then leave the butter out. If the dogs senses something’s amiss, allay its fear by eating the butter first. The dog will follow your lead. Now, the two of you will scream, or bark, at the top of your lungs to be released from life. Of course, the dog will never eat butter again and you will never leave the butter out again. But you will have bonded forever with your pet. All ends well.
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JAS aks: If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, why, oh why can’t I?

Dear JAS: Bluebirds can’t fly beyond the rainbow. The leprechauns won’t allow it. They have an anti-happy-little-bluebird force field deployed. The leprechauns don’t want to share their pots-o-gold with gold-bricking bluebirds. The only way for a blue bird to penetrate the force field is to be shot out of a cannon with the same force that NASA uses to launch rockets. It’s astounding that the wee birds go through unscathed through the force field using that method. One would think they’d be annihilated. NASA and the Pentagon are thinking the same thing. They’d be very grateful if you could discover the blue birds’ secret technology. So, buy yourself a cannon put yourself in it and fire away. Good luck! Don’t forget to let NASA and the Pentagon know about technological breakthroughs should you should survive.
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KM How do I get my cat to watch television? She does a lot of other cute things, so why not that, too?

Dear KM: Buy a can of tuna. Buy catnip. Smear tuna and catnip all over your TV screen. Your cat will be sitting in front of the TV forever.

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JR asks: What’s the best starter for a charcoal grill: gasoline or diesel?

Dear JR: Those charcoal briquets are absolutely flame proof. Rural firemen stack them to form impenetrable firewalls out there in the hills. But you want to use charcoal anyway, so the challenge is to use them this one time while curing you of the desire to ever use them again. Put the inert charcoal briquets in the grill. Add gelignite to the grill. Gelignite is safe; I’m reasonably sure it doesn’t go off accidently. Activate gelignite; hitting it with a hammer or pointing a flame thrower at it ought to do the trick. The resulting explosion will scatter your briquets for miles and miles in every direction making it impossible to find them. Oh, you’ll likely to be flung for quite a distance as well. Be sure to have your cell phone with you. It’s doubtful you’ll be able to walk and you’ll be wanting a friend to drive you the ER. However, you’ll never want to go through the frustration of trying ignite charcoal again. I mean, who needs that?

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ABG asks: Red wine or white wine with breakfast? asking for a friend.

Dear ABG: Red wine goes with red food such as ham. White wine goes with white food such as egg whites. If you have something like bacon, however, with its white and red stripes, you’ll have to have a glass of white wine for each white, fatty stripe and a glass of red white for each red stripe. Why? Something in red wine overpowers something bad in red foods and similarly for white wine. (I read something to this effect on a bulletin board in the Med School library in college some decades ago.) So drink up. It’s possible you’ll get too drunk to drive. This is all to the good. It’s not safe to drive anymore. They’re all animals out there. Omg, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say what wine to drink with bacon that’s been in the fridge so long that it’s turning grey. Grey bacon should, of course, be paired with a good Grey Riesling.

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JCA asks: If I see a chicken crossing the road, should I follow?

Dear JCA: First check to see if the road is actually a Mobius strip. If so, following the chicken will simply get you to your starting point. (Of course, you’ll be upside down on the strip. You will fall on your head if you’re not wearing anti-grav boots. Is the chicken wearing anti-grav boots? If not, you’re probably safe from the perils of a Mobius strip.)

Is the chicken heavily armed? If so, it’s probably going into combat. Are you heavily armed as well? If you are, it’s okay to follow. Be sure to bring anti-septic lotions with you though, as chickens can walk under barbed-wire fences while you can’t. It’s this attention to detail that gets us through life.

Doctor Paul De Lancey

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

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Egg Coffee

Norwegian Appetizer

EGG COFFEE

INGREDIENTS??????????

9 cups water (1⅓ cups more later)
½ cup freshly ground coffee
⅓ cup water (1 cup more later)
egg
1 cup water.

PREPARATION

Add 9 cups water to large coffee pot or pan. Bring water to boil. While water comes to boil in coffee pot, add coffee, ⅓ cup water and egg to mixing bowl. Mix with whisk or fork. (This mixture looks like potting soil.)

Add coffee/water/egg mix to boiling water. Boil for 3 minutes. Remove coffee pot from heat. Add 1 cup water. Let coffee settle for 10 minutes. Pour coffee through strainer or coffee filters.

This coffee is a lot less bitter than the regular brews and should require less than the normal amount of cream and sugar or none at all.

TIDBITS

1) Historians claim coffee was discovered about a thousand years ago by an Ethiopian goatherd whose goats were bounding with caffeinated energy. How do we know this when we don’t even know how single socks keep disappearing in our clothes dryers?

2). It’s frightening to think that if the goats had only a few more weeks of caffeinated existence, the highly energetic critters could have done their grazing chores in no time at all. They would then have had time to ponder the infinite. Sure, their brains are tiny compared to ours, but hyped up on caffeine they would have to figure that a goat’s life is to give milk and goat meat.

3) To give goat meat means to die. Fast thinking goats wouldn’t have liked that. No, not one bit. And back then goats far outnumbered humans. They would have learned goat karate, attacked us, and gained their independence in regions where human warriors didn’t wear armor. Not long after that the coffee-drinking goats would have developed their own armor, their own spears, and their own catapults. We humans would have been overwhelmed by vast, well-equipped goat armies. We would have had to become vegetarians and the goat’s servants. It nearly happened.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Chocolate Rice Candy

American Dessert

CHOCOLATE RICE CANDY

 INGREDIENTSRiceKri-

1 11.5 ounce bag milk-chocolate chips
1 1/2 cups Rice KrispiesTM

PREPARATION

Cook chocolate chips in saucepan on medium heat until chips completely melt, about 3 to 5 minutes. Stir frequently. (Oh my gosh yes, do you want to burn chocolate?) Stir in Rice KrispiesTM until altogether mixed.

Transfer candy mix to cookie sheet. While the mix is cooling, use a knife to separate it into 1-inch by 3-inches rectangles. When no longer warm, put cookie sheet with candy rectangles into refrigerator. (Oh heck, have one now, or two. Who will know?) Let remaining candy harden. This will take 30 minutes to an hour.

TIDBITS

1) Christopher Columbus brought back chocolate to Europe from his trip to the New World in 1502.

2) This feat alone makes him worthy of having his own day on October 12.

3) Do the folks who invented the hamburger, chicken Kiev, or the enchilada have a day named after them?

4) No.

5) This shows you how much politicians value chocolate.

6) The Swiss, both politicians and people, esteem chocolate as well, consuming 22 pounds each of the stuff per year, though presumably not at one sitting.

7) There is some caffeine in chocolate bars, but not much.

8) Which is why the Swiss drink coffee before yodeling.

9) I don’t think Columbus ever yodeled.

10) Tidbit 8 is entirely made up.
cover

My cookbookEat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World, is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Ask Dr. Economics – Kindergarten Raffle

Dear Dr. Economics,

My little Benny got assigned his kindergarten’s annual $30,000 raffle to support Sorghum Awareness. Normally, a Kansan celebrity or a CEO from a local biotech company does this sort of thing. But they’re all busy this year, so it fell to my six-year old son.

He’s tried real hard during lunchtime, but he hasn’t even sold one of his three hundred $100 tickets. He’s darn near ready to burst into tears. Even holding “Patches,” his teddy bear, doesn’t erase his sense of failure.

Can you help me?

Dennis Epicenter,
Tentacle, KS

Dear Mr. Epicenter,

Why certainly, I can help you. I am Dr. Economics. Instead of Benny making each kindergartner cough up $100–and what are the chances of that given you describe him as little–why not sell partial shares?

Benny is sure to have more success selling 1/100th shares in each ticket for $1. Of course, this means the lad will need to sell 30,000 shares, so diligence and determination are must for this plan to succeed.

Alternatively, Benny could sell 1/10,000th shares in each ticket for 1c. This plan makes for easy sales. Again, I feel especially obligated to stress perseverance in selling the necessary 3,000,000 shares. Indeed, consider taking him to school early and picking him up late.

Benny should also learn about computer spreadsheets. Careful record keeping is a must for any successful raffle, whether it be for 3,000,000 records or the more modest 30,000.

Normally, I would advise keeping children clear of caffeinated beverages until the age of twelve, but it seems doubtful little Benny will have much time for sleeping. So, go for it!

– Dr. Economics

– AKA Paul De Lancey

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Dear Dr. Economics, My little Benny got

Dear Dr. Economics,

My little Benny got assigned his kindergarten’s annual $30,000 raffle to support Sorghum Awareness. Normally, a Kansan celebrity or a CEO from a local biotech company does this sort of thing. But they’re all busy this year, so it fell to my six-year old son.

He’s tried real hard during lunchtime, but he hasn’t even sold one of his three hundred $100 tickets. He’s darn near ready to burst into tears. Even holding “Patches,” his teddy bear, doesn’t erase his sense of failure.
Can you help me?

Dennis Epicenter,
Tentacle, KS

Dear Mr. Epicenter,

Why certainly, I can help you. I am Dr. Economics. Instead of Benny making each kindergartner cough up $100–and what are the chances of that given you describe him as little–why not sell partial shares?

Benny is sure to have more success selling 1/100th shares in each ticket for $1. Of course, this means the lad will need to sell 30,000 shares, so diligence and determination are must for this plan to succeed.

Alternatively, Benny could sell 1/10,000th shares in each ticket for 1c. This plan makes for easy sales. Again, I feel especially obligated to stress perseverance in selling the necessary 3,000,000 shares. Indeed, consider taking him to school early and picking him up late.

Benny should also learn about computer spreadsheets. Careful record keeping is a must for any successful raffle, whether it be for 3,000,000 records or the more modest 30,000.

Normally, I would advise keeping children clear of caffeinated beverages until the age of twelve, but it seems doubtful little Benny will have much time for sleeping. So, go for it!

– Dr. Economics

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I Declare My Candidacy For The President Of The United States

Deeply hurt by President Obama’s continued indifference to my repeated requests, via blog and Facebook, to come to my house for dinner, I have decided to run for president as a write-in candidate. This endeavor while surely a long shot, has little chance of success.

I am running on the Bacon & Chocolate ticket. Here is my platform:

1) Subsidized chocolate doughnuts for everyone.

2) Subsidized caffeine for everyone.

There, what could be of more benefit to everyone?

 

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