Posts Tagged With: Mars

Deep Fried Mars Bars

British Dessert

DEEP FRIED MARS-TM BARS

INGREDIENTS

1 cup flour
½ teaspoon salt
½ cup water
¼ cup seltzer water
¼ teaspoon baking powder
5 chilled Mars bars (worldwide version) or Milky WayTM (American version)
4 cups vegetable oil or enough to cover Mars bar in deep fryer

SPECIAL UTENSILS

deep fryer Two aliens on a flying saucer
tongs

Serves 5. Takes 50 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add flour, salt, water, seltzer water, and baking powder to mixing bowl. Mix with whisk until well blended. Cover and let sit for 30 minutes.

Pour batter into tall glass. Add oil to deep fryer. Heat oil to 375 degrees. Use tongs to dip Mars bar into tall glass. Remove and let excess batter drip off. Use tongs to place coated Mars bar in deep fryer. Fry for 2 minutes or until bars turn golden brown and become crisp. Remove from oil with tongs. Place deep-fried bar on paper towel and pat dry. Repeat for remaining bars.

TIDBITS

1) MarsTM was first produced by Forrest Mars in 1932. It’s sparked religious interest ever since.

2) Mars is the Roman god of war. Technically, the deity could have sued Mr. Mars for copyright infringement, but didn’t. Many culinary theologians have argued that a living god of war would certainly challenged Forrest Mar’s logo appropriation. Therefore, Mars doesn’t exist. Once we accept Mars non-existence, belief in all the other Roman dissolves. And indeed, the number of people worshiping Roman gods after 1932 has been pretty darn close to zero.

3) The American Mars bar ceased production in 2002, came back, stopped production in 2011, and finally came back online 2017. Its composition and size has varied over the decades. Culinary theologians hypothesize that these observable events led to widespread believe in reincarnation.

4) Currently, the Muslim community of Australia is debating halal certification for Mars bars.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Bad Advice Friday, 4-28-17

Oh my gosh. It’s Friday. So, I shall once more be dispensing bad advice As usual, the advice will stupendously bad. You know it will be so as I had overwritten the file with my previous answers and to re-answer. I mean how can you trust advice from a person who does that?

JBL asks: Will this be on the test?

Dear JBL: Yes, it will. Unfortunately, you don’t know what test. I strongly urge you to go to every school you can and take every test. If you don’t answer the question, you will get a zero for it. Indeed if you miss the test completely, you’ll fail the test and fail the course, and get kicked out of your university. And you paid a lot of money getting into that university. You won’t graduate. There will go your dream of becoming an astronaut and of being the first person on Mars. Oh, and here’s foolproof way of acing every test. Simply tattoo every fact and theorem you’ve run across onto your body. Now it’s quite possible, that the tattooed answer will be under your clothes. In this case, you’ll have to strip. If the teacher complains, say you’re allergic to clothes. If the answer is on your butt, ask the student behind you (See what I did there?) to read the answer. Ask nicely; manners are always in fashion.

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MA asks: Can yard bunnies do multiplication problems?

Dear MA: Oh yes. But they’re shy. They just don’t talk to anyone. You have to gain their trust. You have to get down to their level. This means crawling up to them and feeding them pellets. Rabbits are terrified if they talk to people as they fear by doing will stop the supply of pellets. So talk to them in a soothing voice. Tell them that you will provide gourmet pellets if they solve multiplication problems for you. This is known in economics as incentivizing the bunny.

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RAS asks: How do I teach my dog Trotsky to play chess?

Dear RAS: You must learn to speak dog. This is not as hard as it might seem given the smallness of the canine vocabulary when compared to English. Conjugating verbs verb in Dog is much easier than in Dog than in English and, my gosh, much easier than in French. To illustrate, for “Am Hungry.”

French:
J’ai faim.
Tu as faim.
Il a faim.
Nous avons faim.
Vous avez faim.
Ils ont faim.

English:
I am hungry.
You are hungry.
It is hungry.
We are hungry.
They are hungry.

Note there are six different conjugations in French: ai, as, a, avons, avez, and ont. English is easier with only three different conjugations: am, are, and is. However, Dog conjugation for “am hungry” has an elegant simplicity to it.

Dog:
Woof!

There are no cases for you (familiar or polite), for we, it, or they. That makes learning the dog vocabulary easy. Indeed the word, “woof,” is the words for literally dozens of nouns and verbs. Dog convey meaning by intoning their “woof” differently for each instance. You will need to practice your canine intonations and indeed, inflections as well. Get practicing.

************************

LF asks: Why can’t pigs fly?

Dear LF: They can! They can! You just need a big enough catapult. Try getting your catapult at CostcoTM; they carry everything. Get your catapult while you can. As of press time, there’s no government regulation about flinging pigs great distances in your neighborhood, but how long can that last given the government has seen fit to regulate commercial aviation.

************************

BRW asked: I point a red laser light at the neigbhor’s blinds when they are gone. The cats destroy the blinds chasing the red dot. Am I evil? (Taken from a meme.)

Dear BRW: Only if your neighbors are annoying. And if they’re annoying to you, they’re likely to be annoying to others on your street as well. In this case, wait until your irritating neighbors leave their house with lit candles. Point the laser beam at the candle. The cats will attack the red dot on the candle. The candle will fall to the ground. The rug will catch fire. The house will burn down. The neighbors will leave. (Gosh, neighbors is a hard word to spell. Another reason to see them go.) It’s much better to be proactive like this then to let your resentment against them fester into something serious. That benefits no one.

************************

LHH asks: Over the top, or under the weather: which is best for a Hump day? And are there differences by season?

Dear LHH: If you want to be over the top for weather, you need to go to the North Pole. But with global warming, you can’t guarantee solid ice for your lawn chair. On the other hand, you could be the first person to surf the pole. In contrast, you’ll under the weather at the South Pole. While the South is over a mile thick layer of ice, it is under the Earth. There is nothing underneath you. Nothing! You’ll fall. You see because of gravity, everything falls down. At the South Pole, there is no more down. The scientists at this pole meet this existential threat by constructing buildings. The ceilings on these upside down buildings prevent the people there from falling off the planet. The fear, however, persists as in this line from an angst-filled song, “Put our hands in the air like the ceiling can’t hold us.” Some polar scientists hew to a more devil-may care philosophy as evidenced by the line, “dancing on the ceiling.” If you must go outside when at the South Pole, you must, must wear boots with VelcroTM soles and stay on the Velcro paths. Otherwise, you fall off the Earth. This is true for Hump day, the other days of the week, and for the two seasons of day and night. The Laws of Physics never sleep.

************************

LF states: A question for Bad Advice Friday? I can’t think. (This is from memory. I overwrote the file where I answered this.)

Dear LF: Thinking is overrated. Millions of people in a few select professions never think, politicians and human billiard balls (A surprisingly popular sport) come to mind. But if you’re really having trouble thinking and would like to start again, I have two suggestions. First, join the French Foreign Legion. You’ll have plenty of undisturbed time to conjure up a thought as you’re marching under the hot Saharan Sun. However, as people join the Legion to forget, you’ll immediately forget what idea you created. But you will have started thinking again and that’s the main thing. Second, commit a crime, a crime so horrible that you will be spending years in solitary confinement. The serene, tranquil, undisturbed aura of your own is enormously conducive to thought. Try it and see!

Doctor Paul De Lancey

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

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Shrimp Creole

Cajun Entree

SHRIMP CREOLE

INGREDIENTSshrimpcreole

⅔ cup rice
1½ pounds shrimp will shells on
1⅓ cups water
1 stalk celery
2 garlic cloves
1 green bell pepper
1 large onion
3 tablespoons butter
½ teaspoon basil
1 bay leaf
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
½ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon thyme
1 14-ounce can diced, undrained tomatoes

Serves 4. Takes 50 minutes.

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Dutch oven

PREPARATION

Cook rice according to instructions on package. While rice cooks, shell and devein shrimp. KEEP SHELLS. Add shrimp shells and water to pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Reduce heat to warm and simmer until needed.

Mince celery, garlic, green bell pepper, and onion. Add minced veggies and butter to Dutch oven. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until ingredients soften. Stir frequently. Add basil, bay leaf, cayenne pepper, pepper, salt, and thyme. Stir.

Remove and discard shrimp shells from pot. Add ¼ cup of the shrimp-shell flavored water to Dutch oven. (Keep the rest of this flavored water.) Reduce heat to Dutch oven to medium. Cook for 5 minutes on medium heat. Stir frequently enough to keep mixture from burning on bottom. Add diced tomatoes with its liquid and the remaining shrimp-shell flavored water. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 10 minutes or until liquid thickens. Stir frequently enough to keep mixture from burning on bottom. Remove bay leaf. Add shrimp. Cook on medium heat for 3 minutes or until the shrimp turn pink or orange. Stir frequently. Serve over rice.

TIDBITS

1) The shrimp in the above photo are on the plate because they are subject to the laws of gravity.

2) When they want to be.

3) Shrimp have the ability to turn off gravity by clicking their dozen little red shoes together and saying, “There’s no place like Mars. There’s no place like Mars.”

4) And whoosh, off they float to Mars.

5) Whenever you see a meteorite streaking away from Earth, that’s really a shrimp going home to Mars. They’re not burning up, rather they are traveling so fast they give off a red shift.

6) NASA would dearly love to know how shrimp can negate gravity and float across space at near light speed.

7) NASA has determined that the shrimp’s shell is impervious to friction-generated heat, so that the little crustaceans can zip back and forth through the Earth’s atmosphere with impunity.

8) OK, NASA also wants to build a spaceship as durable as shrimp shells.

9) This is why the NASA cafeteria serves shrimp creole every single meal. Every single day. They are saving the shrimp shells for structural analysis. They also hope to gather enough shrimp shells to make a space shuttle.

10) Unfortunately, shrimp creole tastes better if you boil the shrimp shells. So, they go into the shrimp creole. This is bad, while shrimp shells resist the heat of speeding through the atmosphere and they stand up to the wetness of water, become too pliable when boiled in water. As we know, flimsy shrimps shells are useless for the rigors of intergalactic travel. Thus, the scientists can never get enough shrimp shells.

11) Now you know why shrimp are so worried about global warming. Global warming means hotter oceans. Hotter oceans cause flimsier shells. Softer shells will make it easier for sharks to eat them. Sharks particularly love jumbo shrimp.

12) It takes time for sharks to crunch their way through shrimp shells; submarine fleets around the world are studying these study shells. While the sharks attempt their futile munching, the shrimp say, “There’s no place like Mars. There’s no place like Mars.”

13) And whoosh, the shark is taken along at near-light speeds through the atmosphere. Where they die. This is why there are not more sharks in the oceans. It’s always why aquariums occasionally misplace a shark.

14) But all this will change when the oceans get too hot for the shrimp shells. So, the shrimp have been migrating back to Mars.

15) Those canals you see on Mars have all been built by shrimp. They need places to swim.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Taiwanese Beef Noodle Soup

Taiwanese Soup

BEEF NOODLE SOUP

INGREDIENTSbeefnoodlesoup

5 garlic cloves
1 inch ginger root
6 scallions (white part of green onions)
1 Roma tomato
2 Thai chiles or red chiles
8 cups water (or enough to cover short ribs)
1⅓ cups Chinese rice wine or sherry
¾ cup soy sauce
3 tablespoons brown sugar
1 tablespoon Sichuan chili bean sauce
(doubanchiang), Korean gochujang. or bean sauce
4 whole star anise pods
3 pounds beef short ribs
1 cup chicken stock
1¼ pounds Asian wheat noodles or linguine
¼ cup mustard greens or spinach
¼ cup baby bok choy, bok choy, or Napa cabbage
2 tablespoons fresh cilantro

SPECIAL UTENSILS

8 quart pot
tongs

Makes 8 bowls. Takes 4 hours 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

Mince garlic cloves. Peel and grate ginger root. Cut scallions into ¼” slices. Dice tomato and Thai chiles. Add garlic, ginger, scallion, tomato, water, rice wine, soy sauce, brown sugar, chili bean sauce, and star anise into pot. Bring to boil on high heat. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 10 minutes.

Add short ribs. Cover and simmer on low heat for 2½ hours or until meat is tender to the fork, but is still on the ribs. Turn off heat, remove lid, and let sit for 1 hour. Remove meat from pot with tongs and place on flat surface. Push bones out of short ribs. Shred beef with fork.. Return shredded beef to pot. Add chicken stock. Simmer on low heat for 20 minutes. Stir occasionally.

While soup simmers, cook noodles according to instructions on package. Dice mustard greens, baby bok choy, and cilantro. Add noodles to bowls. Add mustard greens and bok choy to bowls. Ladle soup over mustard greens and baby bok choy. Garnish with cilantro.

TIDBITS

1) Not too many years ago, Susan Chang of Poway, California, posted the following question on FacebookTM, “If we took all the cooked noodles in the world and tied them together, would they reach all the way to Mars?” No response. Susan asked the same question, but added a picture of two kittens playing with noodles.

2) The post went viral. Suddenly, billions of people had to know. Purchases of noodles went up a thousand fold. The entire economies of thirteen smallish countries switched over to making noodles. Greenland built sixty million hot houses to raise wheat. Ten million babies were named after noodles, “Noodlo if they were boys or “Noodla” if they were girls.

3) Soon the world had billions of miles of noodles, enough to cover every road in the world. This naturally made traveling anywhere difficult, unless, of course, you had a JeepTM equipped with noodle tires. But we didn’t have many of those vehicles. Most factories still churned out noodles.

4) Time to cook those noodles. On May 5, all seven billion people cooked noodles. The steam from all that water boiling formed a thick cloud over the entire Earth. The cloud lasted an year. No sunlight got through at all; dinosaurs that somehow survived the meteor from 65 million years ago, died up for good. People tied noodle after noodle together. Soon a string billions of miles long circled the globe countless times. We know it was countless because no one tried counting it.

5) Sally was chose for the honor of stretching the string to Mars. Being five foot seven and standing on her tippy toes and extending her hand to sky, she managed to lift the noodle end seven feet to Mars. This was short of the Red Planet as all could see. So, Sally stood on her boyfriend Bob’s shoulders. Still short of Mars. A troupe of Chinese acrobats came over. Although they stood seventeen people tall, a GuinnessTM record for noodle standing they were still not all the way to Mars.

6) Bushnell AviationTM lent a helicopter. One person, Dwayne, held onto the helicopter and then another person held on to him, and so on. However, even though Wayne was a weight lifter, even he couldn’t hold up 15,000 pounds of people for long. He let go. Fortunately every fill into the community swimming pool, establishing Guinness records for the largest number of people to successfully perform a cannonball into a community pool and for the largest tidal wave in Wyoming.

7) Then NASA and the European Space Agency, seeing people actually performing scientific experiments got into the act. A space shuttle spooled out the noodle string as it traveled Mars. The string measured 135 billion miles, enough to get to that planet when it was closest to Earth.

12) Unfortunately, Mars was farther away than that. The phlegmatic population, there being a global cold, shrugged and built a noodle string three time longer than the first, which is still whipping around the Earth. NASA tried again. It worked! It did. It did. All the way to Mars. Sally clipped the string in two. ESA carried the second string all the way as well. The noodle strings stayed in place as the extremely cold temperatures of space froze them into super strong poles.

13) Then Amos Keeto, at Bushnell ConstructionTM said, “We have extra noodle, enough to make rungs between the noodle poles. The people of Earth, did just that. Now, if you have space suit and have enough supplies, you can climb to Mars. Way cool.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Danish Millionbøf

Danish Entree

MILLIONBØF

INGREDIENTSMillionBof-

1 pound potatoes
1 large onion
2 teaspoons butter
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 pound ground beef (85% lean is best)
2 tablespoons flour
1¾ cups beef stock
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons gravy browning or dark gravy

Makes 4 bowls. Takes 50 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Peel potatoes. Cut potatoes into fourths. Put potato fourths in large pot. Boil on high heat for 20 minutes.

While potatoes are boiling, dice onion. Add onion, butter, and vegetable oil to pan. Sauté at medium heat for 5 minutes or until it starts to brown or BEGINS TO SOFTEN. Stir frequently. Add ground beef. Reduce heat to medium. Cook for 3-to-5 minutes or until beef starts to brown. Stir occasionally.

After potatoes have been boiled for 20 minutes, remove them from pot. Put potatoes in large mixing bowl. Mash them. Add flour to pan with ground beef. Stir until well blended. Add beef stock, pepper, and salt.. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to low-medium and simmer for 20 minutes or until less than half of the liquid is left. Stir occasionally. Add gravy browning. Stir until well blended. Serve over mashed potatoes.

TIDBITS

1) Bøf is Danish for beef. Bøf is also a palindrome for føb. Føb isn’t Danish for anything, although the Danes do have a word for everything that exists. Føb is just a reserve word the Danes have just in case something really new is discovered, such as a carnivorous, ambulatory fig looking tree on Mars. (CAMFLTOM)

2) The Danish Official Word Naming Association (DOWNA) would then look down their list of approved new words. If føb were at the top of the list, then the CAMFTOM would be called “føb.”

3) There’s more. Take the first letter away from føb and you get øf, the Danish word for oink. Now you know both of Denmark’s really necessary words. Remember the song, “If I could talk to the Danes?” Well, now you can. Go visit Denmark. Visit today, before you lose your vocabulary.

Chef Paul

LutheranCookbook

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available in paperback or Kindle on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Veldt Bread From Namibia

Namibian Appetizer

VELDT BREAD

INGREDIENTSVeldtBread-

3½ cups wheat flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
3½ tablespoons brown sugar
½ teaspoon cinnamon
¼ teaspoon ginger
¼ teaspoon ground cloves
½ teaspoon salt
¼ cup butter (additional 2 tablespoons later)
⅔ cup low-fat milk
1 egg
½ teaspoon vegetable oil
2 tablespoons butter

SPECIAL UTENSIL

loaf pan

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 360 degrees. Add flour, baking powder, brown sugar, cinnamon, ginger, ground cloves, and salt to large mixing bowl. Stir with whisk or fork. Add butter, milk, egg, and vegetable oil. Knead bread for at least 5 minutes or until dough becomes smooth.

Melt 2 tablespoons butter. Coat loaf pan with melted butter. Add dough to loaf pan. Smooth surface of dough. Bake at 360 degrees for 35-to-40 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the loaf comes out clean or the loaf sounds hollow when tapped.

Butter goes fantastic with this bread, particularly so if the bread is still warm.

TIDBITS

1) There is a lot of sand in Namibia.

2) The sand there is usually on the ground and not in the air.

3) Sand lies on the ground in other countries as well. This is because sand is heavier than air.

4) Mostly. There’s little sand in Greenland. We can only conclude that Greenlandic sand weighs less than Namibian sand. That or Greenlandic sand has achieved consciousness and has learned how to fly.

5) NASA is quite interested in Greenland’s flying sand. They might go to Mars using it.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Jamaican Jerk Chicken

Jamaican Entree

JERK CHICKEN

INGREDIENTS

4 chicken breasts or about 3 pounds
1 cup green onions
1 white onion
3 garlic cloves
3 tablespoons jerk spice
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon thyme
1/2 teaspoon allspice
2 tablespoons soy sauce
2 tablespoons water
6 tablespoons vegetable oil

PREPARATION

Cut chicken into squares 1-inch wide. Dice green onions, onion, and garlic. Put chicken in mixing bowl. Add green onions, white onion, garlic, jerk spice, cinnamon, thyme, and allspice. Coat the chicken squares thoroughly with the spices. Add soy sauce and water. Mix again. (If your hands aren’t completely messy, you haven’t been mixing enough. Oh. Oh.)

Cover mixing bowl and refrigerate for 3 hours. (Three hours? You mean after all this work I can’t eat it for three hours? Dear reader, I feel your culinary pain. Still, this dish is worth waiting for. However, for those who have ravenous, important, career-changing guests arriving in just one hour, next time read the recipes through before attempting them, for goodness sakes.)

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Put chicken into one or two baking dishes. Coat chicken with cooking oil. Bake for about 50 minutes.

TIDBITS

1) Water covers about 71% of the Earth’s surface.

2) Chicken breasts do not.

3) However, there is a rough equivalence of water and chicken breasts on the surface of the Moon.

4) More and more scientists are suspecting water exists below Mars’ surface.

5) They are, however, strangely silent about the possibility of chicken breasts as well.

6) Or even drumsticks.

7) The old line, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” was developed on Earth and according to current knowledge was never even told when astronauts roamed the Moon.

8) But the joke continues to be told on Earth even though NASA’s manned-lunar program is over.

9) Hah!

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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