Author Archives: pauldelancey

Bruna Boner (Swedish beans)

Posted on November 16, 2013 by pauldelancey

Swedish Entree

BRUNA BÖNER
(Swedish beans)

INGREDIENTSBrunerB-

1 pound bag pink beans
6 cups water
4 teaspoons, or half-stick, butter
8 ounces brown sugar
1/4 cup white vinegar
2 tablespoons corn starch

PREPARATION

Put beans in large pot. Add enough water to cover beans with a few inches to spare. Let soak overnight or at least 10 hours. The beans will be crunchy if not sufficiently soaked. (You do not want to wake up, twenty years later, in the middle of the night screaming, “Why? Why did I not soak the beans long enough?”)

Drain the water. (This gets rid of any dirt on the beans.) Add 6 cups water. Cook on medium heat for 40 minutes. Stir every few minutes. Add more water if the water no longer covers the beans. Covering the pot with a lid also keeps water from evaporating.

Add butter. Cook on low-to-medium heat for 40 minutes. Stir every few minutes to avoid burning. Add more water if the water no longer covers the beans.

Add sugar. (If the brown sugar comes out of the box as a brick, saw it in half.) Cook on low-to-medium heat for 40 minutes. Stir every few minutes to avoid burning. Add more water if the water no longer covers the beans. (Engrave this advice in your memory.)

Add 1/4 to 1/2 cup vinegar, teaspoon by teaspoon, according to taste. If needed, thicken beans by adding cornstarch.

TIDBITS

1) This recipe comes from my grandmother Anna Erickson who was born in Murrum, Sweden, in 1889. I miss her.

2) Her family came to America through Boston, having heard of the hardships of Ellis Island in New York.

3) She grew up in Shickley, Nebraska. She later went back with my mother to visit. The whole town went to an outdoor movie, but was distracted by a rather lengthy meteor shower.

4) I grew up with this sort of Swedish food. Where the weird, modern Swedish pizzas came from I don’t know. It’s also strange that Bruna Bonër, or Brown Beans, uses pink beans. Wacky Swedes.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Creamy Garlic Mashed Potatoes

Posted on November 14, 2013 by pauldelancey

American Entree

CREAMY GARLIC MASHED POTATOES

INGREDIENTSCreamyMashPot-

1 1/2 pounds new or small potatoes
4 cloves garlic
2 tablespoons butter
1/2 cup whipping cream
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper

PREPARATION

Peel potatoes. Cut each potato into eight pieces. Put potato pieces into large pot. Add enough water to cover potato bits. Bring water to boil on high heat. Reduce heat to low and simmer for about 20 minutes or until potato is tender. Drain potatoes.

While potato is cooking, mince garlic cloves. Put garlic and butter in pan. Sauté at medium-high for 5 minutes. Stir frequently.

Add whipping cream, garlic, salt, and pepper to pot with potato pieces. Mash potatoes with potato masher. Use whisk to further blend ingredients together. Serve hot. (But of course, alll chefs are hotties.)

TIDBITS

1) Butter might promote fertility in women.

2) Cholesterol in butterfat helps develop children’s brains and nervous systems.

3) Butter contains arachidonic acid. I have no idea what arachidonic acid is. Clearly, I didn’t eat enough butter when I was a kid. However, I do know a spider is an arachnid.

5) The best, or at least most enjoyable, horror movie about spiders are: Tarantula (1955), Earth Versus the Spider (1958), The Giant Spider Invasion (1975), Kingdom of the Spiders (1978), and Arachnophobia (1990).

6) The best spider-horror movie with a cameo appearance by Clint Eastwood is Tarantula.

7) The most fun spider movie is Charlotte’s Web. It features a talking spider and a talking pig. There is another great movie about a talking pig is Babe. Hollywood thinks pigs are cuter than spiders.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Dijon Mustard

Posted on November 12, 2013 by pauldelancey

French Appetizer

DIJON MUSTARD

INGREDIENTSDijonMustard-

1/2 medium yellow onion
2 cloves garlic
1 cup dry white wine
1/2 cup mustard, dry
1 1/2 tablespoons honey
1/2 tablespoon vegetable oil
1/2 teaspoon salt

SPECIAL UTENSILS

colander
airtight jar

PREPARATION

Mince the onion and garlic. Put wine, onion, garlic in pot. Cook at high heat until wine boils. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 5 minutes. Stir occasionally. Pour mixture through colander into mixing bowl. Let liquid cool.

Add mustard to mixing bowl. Stir with whisk until mixture is smooth. Add wine/garlic/mustard, honey, vegetable, and salt to pot Simmer for about 10 minutes or until liquid thickens. (Don’t look down too long at pot. The vapor will make your eyes sting.) Let cool. Pour into airtight jar. Keep refrigerated. The Dijon mustard will get slightly milder over the next 5 days.

TIDBITS

1) Ancient doctors used mustard to cure toothaches, epilepsy, and PMS, increase blood circulation, clear sinuses, and stimulate appetite. It had indifferent success in curing death as shown by the mustard found in King Tut’s tomb. Listen to the comedian Steve Martin & the Toot Uncommons sing the praises of King Tut.

2) Many cultures scatter mustard seeds around the home to repel evil spirits. Bear traps are a good way to tackle bad spirits taking on animal form. Leaving lutefisk outside your door wards off all spirits ethereal or corporal, including mimes selling aluminum siding door to door.

3) Indeed, people in medieval Paris could buy mustard by the wheelbarrow. This facts suggests lots of door-to-door mimes ran around back then. On the other hand, there is scant evidence of 13th-century Parisian homes, stone, wood, or otherwise, being adorned with aluminum siding.

4) Canada is the largest producer of mustard. There aren’t many evil spirits in Canada. See?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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White Cake

Posted on November 8, 2013 by pauldelancey

American Dessert

WHITE CAKE

INGREDIENTSWhiteCake-

3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) butter
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 eggs
3 egg whites
2 cups flour
2 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 cups milk
no-stick spray

SPECIAL UTENSILS

2 9″-round cake tins
electric beater

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Let butter soften at room temperature. Put butter and sugar in large mixing bowl. Use “cake” setting on electric beater for 5 minutes or until butter and sugar becomes creamy.

Blend in eggs and egg whites one at a time using “cake” setting on electric beater. Add flour, baking powder, and salt to mixing bowl. Blend all using “cake” setting. Add milk. Blend one last time using “cake” setting on your electric beater until batter is smooth.

Spray cake tins with no-stick spray. Spoon or pour batter into cake tins. Put tins in oven. Bake at 350 degrees for 30-to-35 minutes or until a toothpick stuck in the middle comes out clean or when the cake springs back when touched with a spoon.

TIDBITS

1) Queen Marie Antoinette was told that the poor Parisians couldn’t afford to buy bread anymore. She said, “Let them eat cake,” which was more expensive. This ignorance and callousness so inflamed the French poor that they started the French Revolution.

2) Thousands of the nobility died at the guillotine during the Revolution. Thousands more peasants died during the White Terror reaction of the nobility. France became so unstable that Napoleon was able to seize power in 1799. Napoleon plunged Europe into nearly constant warfare for the next sixteen years. Hundreds of thousands of people perished. People couldn’t every tweet outrage.

3) The French government since then has heavily regulated the price of bread.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Exciting Headlines

Posted on November 5, 2013 by pauldelancey

Headlines can be quite exciting as the following collection shows. Many are based on memory and others are from tabloids. But they are all great fun. Enjoy!

1) Ten New Ways to talk to the dead.

2) Woman steals three-headed baby.

3) Satan’s Skull Found in New Mexico: Biblical Experts Call It the Find of the Century.

4) Tap the Amazing Healing Properties of Ketchup

5) White House Ducks Report …

6)  Bat Boy is real!

7) A mental patient attacked women in a laundrette and escaped on foot. Headline:- NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS.

8) Daughter Gives Birth to Own Mother

9) Mule elected Mayor…

10) Camper Beats Off Naked Slasher…

11)  Eighty-year-old spends her 80th wedding anniversary in jail for accidentally smashing her husband’s head in with a cast iron frying pan.

2)  Moon to Explode in 6 Months! – Weekly World News July 18, 2005

13) Abraham Lincoln was a Woman! Shocking pix found in White House basement … plus, Was John Wilkes Booth Her Jilted Lover” – Weekly World News – January 2002

13) Dewey Wins!

14) Girls Schools Still Offering ‘Something Special’ – head
– Gloucestershire something, February 2, 2011

Please feel free to submit your favorite headlines.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Korean Hamburger

Posted on November 4, 2013 by pauldelancey

Korean Entree

KOREAN HAMBURGER

INGREDIENTSKoreanBurger-

1/2 yellow onion
3 cloves garlic
1 1/2 pounds ground beef.
2 tablespoons gochuchang (hot Korean paste)
1/2 tablespoons gochucharu (or red pepper flakes)
1 teaspoon soy sauce
1 large tomato
5 leaves Chinese cabbage or Napa cabbage
5 ounces hot pepper-jack cheese
5 hamburger buns

PREPARATION

Mince yellow onion and garlic. Add onion, garlic, ground beef, gochuchang, gochucharu, and soy sauce to mixing bowl. Combine with hands. (Be sure to wash your hands thoroughly after doing this. The spices now on your hands will raise four-alarm fires if they come in contact with your face.) Cut tomato into 5 slices.

Make 5 patties from the meat mixture. Fry patties in pan at medium heat for about 5 minutes on each side or until sides begin to brown or juices from the patties run clear. Add a 1-ounce slice of pepper-jack cheese to each patties are fry for 1 minute more or until cheese starts to melt. Assemble the burgers with: buns, patty, tomato slice, and cabbage leaf.

TIDBITS

1) Kim Jong Un, the current leader of the communist monarchy that is North Korea is said by the country’s media to be “born of heaven.”

2) As proof of his divinity, or at least greatness, the country’s government point to the lair of a North Korean unicorn. Mind you this was not the home of your run-of-the mill unicorn. Oh no, this was the abode of the unicorn ridden by Tongmyong, the mythical founder of Korea. This discovery occurred in December, 2012. This site is the only existing unicorn site. It is feared that all other such sites failed to open when they realized how outclassed they were by North Korea’s.

3) Kim Jong Un’s dad, Kim Jong II, also ruled North Korea. He too was heaven sent. We can believe it as he bowled a perfect 300 in his first game and shot five holes-in-one on his first time golfing. When he died, North Korea’s sacred mountain, Paektu, glowed red, which is way cool.

4) The most popular restaurant in Pyongyang, the country’s capital, is the New Diplo with two reviews on TripAdvisorTM.. Unfortunately, it is only available to diplomats. Career change, anyone?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Vegetable Mafe From Senegal

Posted on November 2, 2013 by pauldelancey

Senegalese Entree

VEGETABLE MAFE

INGREDIENTSVegetableMafe-

1 small cooking pumpkin (1 cup)
1 medium onion
1 large tomato
1 turnip
2 brown potatoes
2 large carrots
1/4 head cabbage
1 cup fresh spinach
1/4 cup peanut oil
2 cups tomato sauce
1/2 cup water
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/2 cup smooth peanut butter

Makes 9 bowls. Takes 2 hours 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cut pumpkin shell into large pieces. Remove seeds and those gooey strings that go along with the seeds. Cut off edible pumpkin part from outer skin. Cut edible part of pumpkin into cubes no bigger than 1/2″. Mince onions. Dice tomatoes, turnips, potatoes, carrots, cabbage, and spinach.

Add onion and peanut oil to pot. Sauté onion at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add pumpkin, tomato, turnip, potato, carrot, cabbage, and spinach to pot one at time, sautéing for 1 minute on medium-high heat as each new veggie is added. Stir frequently.

Add tomato sauce, water, black pepper, and cayenne pepper to pot. Simmer on low heat for 1 hour 15 minutes or until veggies are tender. Add peanut butter to pot. Simmer for 10 minutes on warm-to-low heat. Stir occasionally. Goes well with rice.

TIDBITS

1) Pumpkins are a fruit. Who knew? They have been grown for 7,000 years. The first were grown in Central America. I grew a pumpkin when I was a kid, way too late to be the first grower.

3) Linus, of the comic strip “Peanuts,” believed in the Great Pumpkin. The Great Pumpkin would arise out of the sincerest pumpkin batch in the land and distribute gifts to all good children. Clink on the following link to hear Linus explain the Great Pumpkin.

4) You can make a lot of other dishes out of pumpkins, such as pie, cupcakes, bread, scones, French toast, ice cream, waffles, soup, curry, cheesecake, pasta sauce, chowder, muffins, cannelloni, stuffed shells, roasted pumpkin seeds, casserole, cookies, and stuffed pasta shells.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Macarena Macaroni

Posted on November 1, 2013 by pauldelancey

Mexican Entree

MACARENA MACARONI

INGREDIENTSMacarMa-

12 ounces uncooked three-colored macaroni
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 medium white onion
1 red bell pepper
2 stalks green onion
1 teaspoon cumin
1/4 teaspoon tarragon
1/4 teaspoon chili powder
1/4 teaspoon Vegetable MagicTM spice
1/2 teaspoon garlic salt
1/2 teaspoon onion salt
1/2 teaspoon salt
16 ounce ground beef
8 ounces grated Four Mexican Cheeses
3 ounces Cotija cheese

PREPARATION

Follow instructions shown on bag to cook multicolored macaroni. (Wouldn’t it be neat if your clothes washer had a setting for boil? Then you could use it to make quite a lot of macaroni.) Look for macaroni with the Mexican colors of: red, white or plain, and green. Drain water when done. Keep macaroni in pot. (Because once it gets out, the macaroni will never return. Wanderlust and all that.)

While macaroni is cooking, dice white onion, bell pepper, and green onion. Crumble Cotija cheese. Add olive oil, white onion, green onion, bell pepper, cumin, tarragon, chili powder, vegetable spice, garlic salt, onion salt, and salt to pan. Sauté for about 5 minutes, stirring constantly.

Mix in ground beef. Cook on medium heat until meat changes color. Stir occasionally.

Blend beef mixture in pot with macaroni. Crumble Cotija cheese. Sprinkle with Cotija cheese and Four Mexican Cheeses.

TIDBITS

1) Beef is a major ingredient of this dish. Beef comes from cattle. There is no singular form for cattle.

2) Pig is the singular form of pigs.

3) American foreign policy suffered a reverse at the Bay of Pigs in Cuba.

4) Cubans like pork. Why didn’t we send them pork instead?

5) But beef was preferred in the Old West.

6) That is why they had cattle drives back then.

7) As depicted in the television show Rawhide.

8) In Rawhide, Clint Eastwood referred to their cattle as beeves.

9) The singular form of beeves is beef.

10) Apparently, the English language was much stronger back then.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Simple Tacos

Posted on October 28, 2013 by pauldelancey

Mexican Entree

SIMPLE TACOS

 INGREDIENTSsimptac-

1 pound ground beef
1 medium onion
2 teaspoons cumin
1 1/2 teaspoons Meat MagicTM spice
1 1/2 cup grated Four Mexican cheeses
6 taco shells
1 1/2 cups lettuce
1 1/2 cups salsa

PREPARATION

Mince the onion in a food processor. (My cooking life took a quantum leap when I acquired this gizmo. Get one.) Add onion, cumin and meat spice to ground meat. Mix by hand.

Cook mixture in saucepan until all of the meat is no longer pink. Shred lettuce by hand or chop into middlin’ sized pieces with a knife. Gosh, fill the taco shell with meat, lettuce, cheese, and salsa. Better yet, get a 20-inch across Lazy Susan and let your diners make their own tacos according to their tastes.

Lazy Susans are fantastic. They are round, rotating platforms, usually made of wood. Put a bowl on the Lazy Susan for each of the beef, cheese, taco shells, lettuce, and salsa. With this handy device the need to constantly pass bowls back and forth disappears. (Just try to find a Lazy Susan. Anywhere. I weep for America.)

TIDBITS

1) Tacos have always been my favorite food. I asked for tacos for all of my childhood birthday dinners.

2) My grandmother was born in Mexico. She made tortillas by hand.

3) “Tacos” is an anagram for “coast”, “coats”, “o scat”, and “o cats!”

4) Cumin goes with so many Mexican dishes.

5) Supposedly long ago, a wealthy Mexican family had a maid named Susan. She didn’t enjoy constantly moving bowls back and forth. So she invented the device that bears her name. For this, someone called the tool the “Lazy Susan.” Seems to me, it should have been named the Entrepreneurial Susan.

6) When I was growing up, my family had a superb Lazy Susan made of hardwood. It’s gone, gone. Where did it go? It’s hard to get a good Lazy Susan these days. Why? Why?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Great Arctic Eats – Murmansk, Russia

Posted on October 26, 2013 by pauldelancey

If you hunger for good Russian food served in the Arctic, you really must visit Murmansk, Russia. There are many fine hotels and hostelries if you ???????????????????????????????????????wish to stay a while in a place where you can take big steps without bumping into someone. The Park Inn by Radisson is a favorite while the unfortunately and ominously named Terminal Hostel and Terminal Hostelries get good reviews. Try to reserve rooms in advance as the nearest town is really, really, really, far away.

TripAdvisor rates Cafe Leto as the best restaurant. The best sushi is found at Fusion. Lovers of Italian food should stampede Mama Mia. And check out M-Club Meridian Hotel for fine barbecue and Russian.

Murmansk’s restaurants

Murmansk has a lot to see. So, it’s best to avoid the winter when the days are short and the nights mighty long. Most people will want to visit the Lenin Nuclear Icebreaker. I’d love to take that for a test drive. People wishing to know the local history must go to the Aloysha Monument for the Defenders of the Soviet Arctic during the Great Patriotic War. Fish lovers will want to spend time at the renowned Murmansk Oceanarium. Enjoy the arts at the Murmansk Regional Drama Theater with the best productions for miles around. And don’t forget to spend some quiet time at the St. Nicholaus church.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Arctic eats, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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