Posts Tagged With: dinosaur

My Favorite Newspaper Headlines

Alas the art of fantastic newspaper headlines is disappearing into the mists of history. At one time, you could count on looking at The National Enquirer(tm) while waiting to check out your groceries. No longer. But I still remember how the following headlines made me chuckle:

6) “Tap the Amazing Healing Power of Ketchup”

(Who needs a pill?)

5) “Woman Steals Three-Headed Baby”

(Two-headed baby abductions are so common they’re no longer news.)

4) “News Reporter Eaten Alive by 80-ft. Dinosaur”

(I have a sneaking admiration for the correct usage of the hyphen between “80” and “ft.”)

3) “Archaeologists  Discover Skeleton of Satan. Find of the Century”

(Discovering that the Prince of Darkness existed and the Goodness reigns unopposed is only the find of the century. Geez, the millennium at least)

2) “Learn Ten New Ways to Talk to the Dead”

(I never knew the ten old ways. I’m so embarrassed.)

1) “L.A. Quake Opens Gates of Hell”

(There goes the neighborhood.)

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor, obsevations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Peanut Squash Stew from Chad

Chadian Entree

PEANUT SQUASH STEW

INGREDIENTSPeanutSquash-

2½ pounds summer squash (zucchini, patty pan, or crookneck)
2½ tablespoons peanut or vegetable oil
1 teaspoon salt
2 cups roasted peanuts
1 teaspoon brown sugar

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Dutch oven

Makes 12 bowls.

PREPARATION

Peel and cut squash into 1″ cubes. Add squash and peanut oil to Dutch oven. Sauté on medium-high heat for 10 minutes or until squash is tender. Stir frequently. Add salt, roasted peanuts, and sugar. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 5 minutes. Stir occasionally.

TIDBITS

1). Chad is a person.

2) Chad is a country.

3) Wouldn’t it be neat to have a country named about yourself? Consider naming your next child Belgium.

4) Chad is bad when it hangs from a ballot. Some people think that hanging chads changed the 2000 American presidential election. If candidate Al Gore had won that election instead of George Bush, American history, and indeed world history would have been different.

5) How different? Different enough so that tidbit 4) wouldn’t have been written differently.

8) There’s a famous Isaac Asimov story where a man goes back in time to shoot a dinosaur. He strays off the marked path and steps on a butterfly. He returns to his own time to find that the presidential election was changed, just like in tidbit 4).

9) A lot of people spoke out against hanging chads, including many, many Chads.

10) It’s good to see people getting involved in the political process. Now is the time for all good Sarahs to come to the aid of their country.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Great Things Come In Little Packages

Great Things Come in Little Packages

I

It was a bad day to be a dinosaur. It was a bad day to be a T-Rex. Particularly if your name was Alex and you were the last dinosaur on Earth. Alex glanced at the Sun. Dang, it was hot. Al Gore was right about global warming, at least in a reverse time series sort of way.

Alex raised his claw to wipe the sweat from his eyebrow. Mistake. Being a lizard-or-bird like creature, the scientists are still debating, he didn’t sweat and he didn’t have eyebrows. He did have razor-sharp talons which pierced the skin above his eye. Dang, that hurt. He wished mommy were there to comfort him. But it was probably just as well, seeing how she tried to eat him when he was six-weeks old.

On and on, the last of the T-Rexes trudged. Where to, he could not say. How long, he could not now. He only knew he need food. He needed it fast. Real fast, before this short story ran out of words and he could see by scrolling down it would only be four paragraphs.

He thirsted. Oh, how he thirsted. He thirsted like a shopper at WalMart two minutes before the start of Black Friday sales. On and on, Alex trudged. His breath became more and more labored. He fancied the gentle breeze made rippling patterns on his loose skin.

An oasis appeared on the horizon. He forced his aching legs to give one last effort. Faster and faster, he careened. Then there it was, an oasis with hundreds of hundreds of delicious apatosauri grazing unconcernedly around a pool of life giving water. The cave to the right displayed a big banner, “Get it here, T-Rex big boy.” Alex tried to grin. Couldn’t. Evolution hadn’t given him lips. Be he knew he died and gone to heaven.

Well, he was partly right about that last statement. His last step was off a twenty-foot cliff. The sharp rock at the bottom did nothing to break his fall. Indeed, it shattered his kneecap. (Gosh, I hope for the accuracy of this story, T-Rexes had kneecaps.)

The rock did more than break his kneecap. It destroyed his ability to move. That destroyed his ability to hunt. No hunting. No food. Alex the T-Rex was dying. And he had proto-psoriasis. A bacterium entering the gaping wound in his knee saw to that.

The bacterium flourished in the T-Rex kneecap. One day it split into two. Later it split into four. The grandchild bacteria repeated this cycle of life over and over again. The Earth’s continents shifted. The dinosaur knee cap traveled north, always north until harsh coldness froze the proto-psoriasis colony.

But they did not die. They went dormant and waited, waited for a thaw that would bring them a new host.

II

Little Timmy Tyler didn’t want to be at Dinosaur National Monument. He wanted to be home playing Mario On Steroids alongside his friends. But here he was and it was hot. He wiped sweat from his brow. Did he thank evolution? No. He was too hungry. His stomach rumbled.

“Mom, can we eat soon?”

“No dear, we came all the way out here to find dinosaur bones for Daddy’s museum and we’re not going in until we find one. Have a snack.”

Thank goodness for the Twinkie in his shirt pocket. It was the last Twinkie ever sold on Earth. He’d had to use Tae Kwan Do moves on several people struggling to get it.

Timmy unwrapped the dessert of all desserts and brought it to his eager tasted buds. A glint appeared by his left foot. There was a tiny bone fragment that bore an uncanny resemblance to Justin Bieber’s profile. Timmy picked up the fragment. Millennia upon millennia of erosion had smoothed this fragment everywhere, everywhere but one spot
.
That one sharp spot pricked Timmy’s thumb. A colony of proto-psoriasis woke up, flexed their cilia, and stampeded Timmy’s body. Oh how they would attack him. They had eons of mutations stored up. They headed for the stomach where they would mutate and mutate and eat Timmy from the inside out.

Timmy bit into the Twinkie. His stomach tried valiantly to break down Hostess’s golden snack but failed, failed miserably.

But in failure, there is often victory and so there was now. The stomach’s defeated gastric juices had left behind a goodly pool of nasty chemicals, chemicals that rats and cockroaches normally gave wide berth. But the invading proto-psoriasis having been dormant for sixty-five-millions years knew nothing of this. Indeed, the chemicals smelled like a delicacy to them and they gleefully ingested the toxic poisons and died.

The proto-psoriasis would not infect Timmy. They would not spread to other people. They would not wipe out humanity. And Timmy took another bite of the world’s last Twinkie.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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