Archer Woman doesn’t want want you to harass the servers.
Archer Woman #3
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
How many times has this happened to you? You’re at a student union and you want a place to pray quietly, but you’ve drunk too much coffee. You want a restroom close by. In fact, you want one right next door. Well this university’s student center is just the place for you.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Become a restaurant chef! Become a home cook! People love good food. People love people cooking for them. Yes, we all go wild for good cooks. A fancy, homemade, gourmet meal will forever impress your date. And chefs are the hotties of romance, as the picture below proves.
Win your true love. Learn to cook. Don’t delay.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
New Orleans is chock full of superb dining establishments. However, my favorite one, the one I always go to whenever I have the good fortune to visit the Crescent City is Mother’s Restaurant.
Mother’s claims it serves the “World’s Best Baked Ham.” I have to agree. However, I am a sucker for dipped, hot sandwiches. I nearly always go for their Ferdi Special.
As you can see from the picture on the right, the place displays a modest decor, while the many photos on the brick are of celebrities who made a point to going to Mother’s.
The omnipresent long line outside to get into the restaurant, shows the enduring popularity of this historic eatery. Be sure to pick out your dining choices as you make way in the line to the counter; there are lots of people behind waiting to get in.
As I mentioned above, my favorite dish at Mother’s is the Famous Ferdi Special. It’s a po’ boy with ham and roast beef. Be sure to ask for it with “debris.” Debris is the bits of roast beef that fall into the gravy while carving. This po’ boy is so good that ordering any of their other fine dishes feels like having an affair on the Ferdi Special. But what an affair, it would be. I recommend trying the World’s Best Baked Ham Dinner, the Ham Po’ Boy, the Gulf Shrimp Po’ Boy, Red Beans and Rice with ham, and Shrimp Creole.
Google Maps(tm) describes Mother’s Restaurant as “Greasy spoon with Southern comfort food.” And how! I’m getting rather hungry writing this blog. So let me leave after listing their tasty sides: cabbage, turnip greens, red beans & rice, Jake’s green beans with tomatoes, grits, cheese grits, potato salad, and French fries.
I want to go back to Mother’s Restaurant. You should go too.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
The Bean Burrito
Oh bean burrito,
Oh bean burrito,
You’re oh so neato.
You need no meato.
Dear reader, you can tell
Today, I’m fond of doggerel.
Just don’t put that meatel
In this, my bean burritel.
Hamburger
Oh hamburger! Oh hamburger!
Recession proof, yet so yummy.
Gastric juices assault you
In my tummy.
Restaurants making fillet mignon
Are awash in red.
But McD’s is in the green with
Beef and bread.
In hard times, such as these,
People buy more burgers
Because they’re cheap and tasty.
Yum!
But when times get better,
We shall go restaurant hopping.
Because we can.
Maybe we’ll even rhyme.
Hungry
I’m so hungry.
I will have to eat something
Or I will get hungrier.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Zombies like brains, right? So always make sure that you have a supply of brains on hand. Where do you get these brains? In French restaurants. These places always serve cerveaux d’agneau, or lamb’s brains.
So when the zombie apocalypse begins, hop on the first plane to France and stampede the nearest restaurant. Ask for steak au poivre vert for yourself, it’s delicious!, Don’t forget, though, to order lamb brains to go. When the zombies shuffle toward you, simply hand them your cerveaux d’agneau. Your undead attackers will appreciate avoiding the messy and tedious business of cracking open your skull to get to your brains. They will surely also savor the exquisite combination of spices that every French chef lovingly adds to his creations. An apocalypse is no reason to stop being a loving, giving person.
Bon appétit
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
2 pound piece of sirloin or beef chuck
2 tablespoons vinegar
½ teaspoon pepper
3 garlic cloves
1″ ginger root
1 large onion
1 small green chile
1 stalk lemongrass (tender inner bottom part only)
2½ tablespoons ghee or vegetable oil
2″ cinnamon stick
¼ teaspoon fenugreek seeds
10 fresh curry leaves or ½ teaspoon dry curry leaves or curry powder
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1¼ cups coconut milk
1 tablespoon lemon or tamarind juice
Serves 6. Takes 2 hour 30 minutes
PREPARATION
Make holes in beef with fork. (This will aid in marinating.) Add beef, vinegar, and pepper to bowl. Marinate for 1 hour.
While beef marinates. Mince garlic cloves, ginger root, green chile, and onion. Seed and mince green chile. Thinly slice lemongrass. Add ghee to pan. Heat ghee at high heat until is hot enough to make a fenugreek seed dance. Carefully add beef to pan. Sauté for 2 minutes on each side or until browned all over. Remove meat to plate. Leave beef juices in pan.
Add garlic, ginger, green chile, onion, cinnamon stick, fenugreek seeds, fresh curry leaves. and lemongrass. Sauté for 3 minutes on medium heat. Stir frequently. Add beef back to pan. Add beef, red pepper flakes, coconut milk, and lemon juice. Lower heat to low and simmer 40 minutes or until the beef reaches your desired level of doneness and coconut milk reduces to a gravy. Turn beef over every 10 minutes. Slice beef to your desired thickness. Spoon onion gravy over beef slices.
TIDBITS
1) At first, Sri Lankan Beef Smores were cooked on a handy twig over an open flame.
2) But the weight of the meat made the twig snap
3) The sirloin would fall into the ashy fire pit.
4) Chefs then shouted, “I need more sirloin.”
5) So many sirloins landed on ashes that this requested shortened to, “I need smore sirloin.”
6) Then eventually to “Smore” by the Monosyllabic Chef Association (MCA).
7) And so it went. Sirloin after sirloin fell into one campfire pit after another.
8) This food wastage bankrupted one restaurant after another.
9) Clearly, the food-service industry needed a new idea.
10) And in 1619, Chef Kasun Perera revolutionized everything when he said, “Why not move this meal indoors? We won’t get rained on.”
11) “Or even stampeded by elephants.”
12) Sure, moving the meal to avoid getting crushed by wild beasts seems obvious now.
13) But isn’t the way with all new ideas?
14) No, not all new ideas arise from Stampeding Elephant Fear Syndrome (SEFS). Rather, all new ideas will eventually seem obvious.
15) You could have skipped to this tidbit from tidbit 11, but it wasn’t obvious then. It is now. See?
16) Or even have skipped to here. Any way, moving fire pits inside dramatically lessened the number of deaths due to elephants.
17)However, way too many restaurants burned to the ground from the flames in the open pits.
18) Customers look askance at fleeing a burning restaurant.
19) The restaurant industry needed another fertile mind.
20) It got with Tharindi Bandari, when in 1878, he said, “How about cooking things on a pan on a metal stove?” They will be no fires when we cook our beef smores this way.”
21) It’s impossible to overstate how this brainstorm transformed cooking.
22) Now, the entire world enjoys fire-storm free dining.
23) America came up with a different solution to the ashy sirloin problem. In 1958 little Timmy Perkins replaced the ingredients of the Sri Lankan Beef Smore with marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate saying, “The weight of melting marshmallow will never break our twig.” It worked! It tasted great. “I’ll have smore,” said Timmy’s dad. And in 1997, Timmy’s brilliance would win him the Noble Price for Culinary Achievement.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Are you a restaurant dick? Do you make other diners so miserable that they wish they were at the dentist instead? Take this test and find out.
Do you:
1) Yell at the waitress? (1 point)
2) Have the waiter take your picture, but don’t tip extra? (1 point)
3) Use the restaurant’s free wi-fi long after you’ve finished your meal even though the place is jammed and don’t extra-tip the waitress? (2 points)
4) Sit at a table with a friend for several hours drinking cup after cup of coffee, only to leave a 50 cent tip? (2 points)
5) Not tip the waitperson anything? (2 points)
6) Leave a note explaining you, “I can no longer afford” to leave tips (although you can still eat out) because the state raised taxes to help the poor? (1 point)
7) Do the same as 6) but say, “I don’t tip illegal Muslim immigrants to a Catholic waiter from Arizona? (2 points)
8) Pinch the waitperson’s behind? (2 points)
9) Have the pianist/singer/other musicians perform a special request for you and don’t give them a tip? (2 points)
10) Ask the singer/pianist/other musicians to be quiet so that someone at your table can read a special poem or other piece of sappy literature for the benefit of someone else at your table? (1 point)
11) Talk on your cell phone at your table? (1 point)
12) And so loudly that nearby people’s heads explode? (1 point)
13) And at fancy restaurant where people are trying to celebrate an anniversary? (1 point)
14) Constantly send back food, but never compliment the chef? (1 point)
15) Order for your partner without even consulting? (1 point)
16) Wait in line at McDonald’s for ten minutes and look at the menu above for the first time when you get to the cashier? (1 point)
17) Take two spots when parking your car? (1 point)
18) Bring a screaming child to a fancy restaurant where people are trying to be romantic and propose and other adult things? (1 point)
19) Make no attempt to take your shrieking baby outside or quiet it in anyway? (1 point)
20) Do nothing when your older kids throw tantrums? (1 point)
21) Make no attempt to corral your free-range children? (1 point)
22) Bring all the neighbor’s kids, making prevention of school-recess behavior impossible? (1 point)
23) Man-spread on the waiting seats? (1 point)
24) Loudly blow you nose? (1 point)
25) Pick your nose? (1 point)
26) Clear your throat like you are hacking up a lung? (2 points)
27) Talk loudly about your stomach surgery? (2 points)
28) Brush your hair at the table? (2 points)
29) Wear so much perfume or cologne that it destroys the taste of the food for everyone around? (2 points)
30) Set phone and/or keys on the table, because you’re frickin’ BatmanTM, and Commissioner Gordon needs to know you’re at the ready? (1 point)
31) Insist on dividing the check evenly between everyone at the table, even if there are people who did not expect this and whose meals cost considerably less than the average? (2 points)
32) Show up smelling like an unhygienic Dragon ConTM attendee? (1 point)
33) Talk with food in your mouth and smack, slobber, and slurp? (1 point)
34) Use profanity in conversion? (1 point)
35) Shout your conversation? (1 point)
36) Ask for an unlisted appetizer or entree? (1 point)
37) Order a signature entree, but making so many changes that it’s now an entirely different dish. (no mushrooms, chicken instead of shrimp, hold some of the onions but not all, baked instead of broiled, add blue cheese sprinkles but not too much, “instead of angel hair pasta, can I get that other kind?”) (1 point)
38) After 36) or 37), complain loudly and demand to speak to the owner? (1 point)
39) After 36) or 37), stiff the server? (1 point)
***********************************************************************
What does your total score mean?
0 points: You are in no way a restaurant dick. Congratulations.
1-3 points: It’s still okay for you go into a restaurant unsupervised. See a doctor about your dickish traits while they’re still treatable. You will be seated by the kitchen.
4-6 points: Cause for alarm. You may still enter a restaurant unattended. You will, however, be seated right by the men’s restroom.
7-9 points: You’re awful. You will be given a menu consisting only of kale/beet juice and lutefisk.
10-12 points: Your groin is starting to tingle! You will not be allowed inside any restaurant. The greeter will taze you if you try.
13-15 points: You’re nearly erect! You will have your have your mouth wired shut .
16-18 points: You dick! Stiffed waitresses will circumcise you. They’ll finally get their tip.
21 points and up: You throbbing dick! You will not be allowed inside any restaurant. You will be fitted with an ankle device that will incinerate you if you even try.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
What do you get for that special someone who has everything? Why a gift certificate for a restaurant restroom, of course. This memorable present is sure to take your relationship to an entirely new level.
– Paul R. De Lancey, gift advisor
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
The campaign spending season is in full swing with well-funded politicians claiming that an enemy victory will result in a plague of locusts o’er the land. (It won’t happen at my home. I have a rather aggressive lizard patrolling my office window.) Anyway, I see all sorts of articles, posts, emails claiming that hopeful politicos might be raising hundreds of millions of dollars. Indeed, in 2010 Meg Whitman spent the colossal sum of $150 million to run for governor of my state of California. This outrages me to no end.
This will happen if you vote for the wrong candidate.
How come I didn’t get any of it?
Look at it this way. Meg–may I call you Meg?–spent about $4 per every human being in this state. Did she get elected? No, she lost. She got nothing. Did we get anything? No, just an endless sea of ads that sapped our wills to live. What should she have done?
Bought our votes. Directly.
We could have gone to her website and pledged all our eligible votes to her. That would have been two in my case. In return, Meg would have given us $4 in vouchers, per family member, good to any fast-food restaurant of our choice, $16 for me and my brood! Yum! Yum! Would any votes ever have been sold so tastily
Could her gubernatorial opponent Jerry Brown with his paltry $4 million could have competed? No.
Think about it next time, candidates. My idea is good for you, it’s good for American voters and it’s good for Taco Bell.
– Paul R. De Lancey, Concerned Citizen
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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