Posts Tagged With: bon appetit

How To Use #3, Coffee Grinder

Dear readers,

Today, you’ll learn how to use your electric coffee grinder. You may have an electric one that looks like this.

Here are the two things you must know if you wish to master the art of grinding coffee.

1) Plug it in. Pretty much every electric gizmo from the coffee grinder to biggest super computers need electricity. There’s really no way around this step.

2)  If your coffee grinder requires two lids, “For the love of God, Montressor,” use both lids. The poor soul who used the grinder in the picture used only one of the lids. You can see the result. He now wanders Skid Row periodically flinging his arms to the sky and muttering, “Why? Why? Why?”

Try these steps and before you know it you’ll be grinding coffee with the best of us. And as always, bon appétit.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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How to Use, #2, Kitchen Burner

Dear readers,

Today we learn how to use your stove’s burner. You may have an electric one that looks like this.

Here are the two things you must know if you wish to master the art of cooking with a burner.

1) Turn it on. Your burner won’t cook anything unless you turn it on. No matter how patient you are.

2)  Turn it off when you’re done. You don’t want any ouchies on your hands.

Try it! And as always, bon appetit.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: how to use, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

How To Use, #1, The Kitchen Timer

Dear readers,

Today we learn to use the kitchen timer. You may have one that looks like this.

Here are the two things you must know if you wish to master the art of cooking with a kitchen timer. Or so a friend has told me.

1) Get a loud one. You won’t hear a quiet timer if you’re in a room far, far away from the kitchen looking a pictures of cats on FacebookTM. The alarm will go off unnoticed. The oven will continue baking, eventually turning your once magnificent creation into charcoal.

2)  After setting the timer, it’s absolutely essential to start it going. Having the timer remain at 20:00 will not help you at all.

Try this! And as always, bon appetit.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: cuisine, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Garlic Butter Shrimp From Turkey

Turkish Entree

GARLIC BUTTER SHRIMP
(Tereyaǧli Karides)

INGREDIENTS

3 cloves garlic
2 tablespoons butter
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 teaspoon Aleppo chili powder or chile pepper
½ teaspoon salt
¾ pound large peeled, deveined shrimp
½ tablespoon parsley

SPECIAL UTENSIL

x-ray vision (not essential)

Serves 3. Takes 15 minutes.

PREPARATION

Dice garlic. Add butter and olive oil to pan. Sauté using low-medium heat until butter melts. Stir constantly. Add garlic and Aleppo chili powder. Sauté at medium heat for 3 minutes or until liquid starts to redden. Stir constantly. Add salt and shrimp. Sauté at medium heat for 2 minutes or until shrimp turns pinkish orange on bottom. (Use x-ray vision to determine pinkness of shrimp or simply flip a shrimp and look. Turn over shrimp. Sauté again for 2 minutes or until both sides are pink. Garnish with parsley. Goes well with crusty bread, such as a baguette.

TIDBITS

1) Butter lakes, butter pools.

2) I wrote the above tidbit a few days ago. What the heck was I thinking? Clearly, I had a scathingly brilliant train of thought or I wouldn’t have bothered to write it down. My memory has failed me. What else have I forgotten? Do . . . Oh crudness, distracted again.

4) Oh I remember! Do I have a child waiting for me at the airport? Looks at calendar. No, not today. A point for my memory.

5) Oh no, oh no, oh no! Did I forget to close safety catch on my nuclear missile launcher?!!! (It’s okay to end a sentence with three exclamation points if you’re staring nuclear Armageddon in the face, otherwise no.) Excuse me.

6) Pants heavily. Excuse me, I’m back. The safety catch was engaged. We’re all safe. Still, let this be a caution to all. You have to, have to, pay attention when you’re in charge of nuclear weapons. The same thing applies to all things culinary. As France’s nuclear chefs say, “Bon appetit et faites attention.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Surefire Two-Day Weight Loss Program

Suppose you simply must lose weight in the next two days. How is this possible you ask? I am glad you asked. I am here to help. The best thing to do is give up desserts for the next 48 hours. However, when desserts look like the following it is clear an alternative path to quick weight is needed.

HawPiRo-

VanilCu- BluebCh-

 

 

 

 

 

May I suggest the following?

1) Do nothing. Your cells are busy doing all sorts of tasks. This takes energy. Making energy depletes your fat cells.

2) Brush your hair. Dandruff is excess weight.

3) Cut your hair. Hair is excess weight.

4)Dice an onion. Tears are excess weight.

5) Have sex. Bodily fluids are excess weight. Good aerobic exercise, too.

6) Worry a lot. Worrying uses up energy.

7) Weigh yourself in the morning. It’s been quite a while since you’ve eaten anything.

8) Visit the toilet before weighing. Which brings us to a great, sure weight loss method.

9) Get a colonoscopy. A proper colonoscopy is good for an easy six-to-eight pound loss. Be sure to set aside a full twenty hours before the colonoscopy for Toilet Day. Kinda gross, but are you dedicated or not?

10) Oh wait, wait, wait, this is critical. The weight reading on your scale varies considerably depending on where you stand on it and how you stand, upright or listing to the side. Indeed, if you do this simple trick well enough, you can eat all the yummy desserts you want and skip all those pesky suggestions above.

Bon appetit.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Survival Tip For The Coming Zombie Apocalypse

Zombies like brains, right? So always make sure that you have a supply of brains on hand. Where do you get these brains? In French restaurants. These places always serve cerveaux d’agneau, or lamb’s brains.

So when the zombie apocalypse begins, get on the first plane to France and stampede  the nearest restaurant. When the zombies invade your eatery, simply hand them your cerveaux d’agneau. The zombies will love it. Not only will they appreciate avoiding the messy and tedious business of cracking open your skull to get to your brains, but they will surely savor the exquisite combination of spices that every French chef lovingly adds to his creations. An apocalypse is no reason to stop being a loving, giving person.

Bon appetit.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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