My quite helpful not-to-do lists are generally meant to describe normal days, like when the Earth be around. But dedicated people keep telling us that our World is going to end and they can’t always be wrong. In fact, a large number of folks, over six, aver that our planet will be annihilated this very day. This kind of news gives what were not going to do a new urgency. In honor of the last day of our life, here are things I really, really, really won’t be doing today:
1) I will not clean the hardened egg off the frying pan. This really is a tough job. I normally put it off for hours. But now, I can avoid forever. Woo hoo!
2) I will not change my clothes. It’s the apocalypse and I’m greeting it in my comfy jammies.
3) I will not worry about all those End-of-the Earth scenarios. They’ve been narrowed down to one, thank goodness.
4) I will not clean out the garage. This alone makes our mass destruction worthwhile.
5) I will not worry where all those orphan socks from the clothes dryer went to. They’ve gone to a better place.
6) I will not spend another day in a world with Windows 8.
7) I will not remove that big weed that’s miraculously–my gosh, I spell that word correctly on the first try–growing in a crack in the sidewalk in front of my house. We will spend our last day in a spirit of live and let live.
8) I will not eat lutefisk, not even if doing so would prevent that giant Cocoa Pebble from smashing into the Earth. Don’t judge me. Not unless you’ve already eaten lutefisk.
9) I will not hold to my diet today. I’m having a 3 by 3 three-animal style burger, French fries-animal style, and a chocolate milkshake at In-n-Out today.
10) I will not read any software terms-of-agreement.
11) I will not go to Schnecteday, New York.
12) I will not look up the correct spelling of Schnecteday.
13) I will not move the laundry along.
14) I will not change out of my comfortable jammies.
Write and let me know what you didn’t do today.
– Paul R. De Lancey, mystic seer
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.