Posts Tagged With: China

Orphaned Tidbits

Posted on September 16, 2024 by pauldelancey

Didn’t rise enough. I has sad.

My recipes have funny tidbits at the end. This was the case for my sourdough-bread recipe. I wrote up the recipe. I wrote the tidbits. Unfortunately, I didn’t come up with a recipe worked for me. But I still had the tidbits for the sourdough recipe.

And here they are, the Orphaned Tidbits:

1) Ancient Egypt got a big jump on civilization compared to its Mediterranean and Near Eastern neighbors. Why was Ancient Egypt so advanced? It was the first nation to bake sourdough bread. Sourdough bread originated in ancient Egypt around 1500 BC.

2) Rome didn’t even get founded until 753 BC. It didn’t start conquering until about 250 BC.

3) Rome’s empire did not derive from vast amounts of sourdough bread. Oh sure it had some. (See Pistoria Uvam Massam Panis by Flavius the Younger.) Rather, Rome conquered the Mediterranean and parts of Europe with its vast, superbly trained army. So, global importance arises from sourdough bread and big armed forces.

4) The Unites States operates a huge military. America also has lots and lots of sourdough bread, especially from San Francisco.

5) China also possesses an immense military, but relatively few loaves of sourdough bread. China is also powerful, but not as much as America.

6) Sourdough starters have been found in Egyptian tombs, indicating that the Egyptians baked sourdough bread. A hieroglyph in a Theban temple depicts Keith Richards baking sourdough bread for Pharaoh Amenhotep II.

7) In 1620, Yeoman Keith Richards sailed on the Mayflower to Plymouth Rock. He ,brought sourdough starters with him. Soon sourdough baking spread all through the 13 colonies. Not so much, in the mother country, Great Britain. This is why is America is the more powerful nation.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Serbian Pljeskavica

Posted on April 15, 2024 by pauldelancey
Serbian Entree
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SERBIAN PLJESKAVICA

(Ser­bian Burger)

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INGREDIENTS
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1 garlic clove
1 large onion (1 small one later)
2 tablespoons olive oil or vegetable oil
1 pound ground beef
¾ pound ground pork
1 teaspoon Spanish paprika or paprika
no-stick spray
8 pita loaves*
some kajmak** (optional)
some ajvar*** (optional)
1 green onion
1 small onion
your favorite condiments.****
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* = Lepinje buns are more authentic, but also very hard to find.
** = Can be found online. Substitutes are crème fraîche, crema Mexicana, sour cream, or clotted cream
*** = Can be found online. Substitutes are baba ganoush, chili oil, or relish made with bell peppers and eggplant
**** = Kajmak, ajvar, onion are the most authentic condiments for a Serbian. However, red onions, cabbage, pickles, cucumbers, and lettuce are used sometimes.
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Serves 4. Takes 1 hour 20 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Mince garlic clove and 1 large onion. Add garlic, onion and olive oil to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Add minced garlic and onion, ground beef, ground pork, and Spanish paprika to mixing bowl. Mix with hands until well blended. Divide meat into 4 portions. Flatten meat portions until they are 6″ wide patties. Cover and let cool in refrigerator for 45 minutes.
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Spray pan with no-stick pray. Add patty to pan. Fry each patty at medium heat for 4 minutes. Flip patty and cook on low-medium for 4 minutes. Repeat for each patty . Put patty on pita loaf. Spread kajmak and ajvar as desired on patty. Thinly slice green onion and small onion. Place ¼ of the onion slices on kajmak and ajvar. Sprinkle with ¼ of the green onion. Top with 2nd pita loaf. Repeat 3 more times.
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TIDBITS
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1) Pljeskavica is pronounced just like it looks.
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2) Just like hot dog is pronounced, “hot dog.”
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3) Of course, pljeskavica is an anagram for “java pickles.”
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4) If you haven’t heard of java pickles, it’s because they’re not wildly popular.
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5) Or even popular at all.
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6) To make java pickles, add coffee grounds to the coffee filter.
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7) Then instead of water, pour pickle brine into the coffee maker’s reservoir.
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8) Turn on your coffee maker and wait.
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9) Take your java pickles to your next potluck.
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10) You won’t be asked to bring anything ever again.
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11) The moral of all this, is that there are some anagrams people aren’t meant to create.
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12) Better to search for lepinje buns. This quest would keep you off the streets where you’d only foment revolution.
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13) And why can’t we have lepinje delivered to our home?
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14) Of course, you could try the superbly efficient AmazonTM to send some to your home.
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15) What’s this? Amazon has no lepinje!
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16) Why can’t we have a lepinje truck cruising the neighborhood everyday? The truck would play pleasant Serbian folk tunes, so we’d know the lepinje man was on his way.
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17) And while we’re at it, why not have the truck carry bread, carry bread from all over the world?
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18) And herbs from all over the world? One herb can only be found in desolate areas of northwestern China and rarely at that. And let me tell you, the Chinese police and military frown on such unsupervised activities. “But Colonel, I was only looking for a rare herb,” you’d say. The official’s reply would surely be, “Like, I’ve never heard that one before.” And you’d go to a Chinese prison.
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19) Since incarceration is bad, we’ll have to hold out for a local bread and herb truck.
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20) And add spices and produce. I can’t tell you how many times I didn’t have the right bread, herb,  spice, or produce. “You may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one,” John Lennon. Let’s make that truck so. Let’s turn our street into a culinary garden of Eden.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, international, things that make me happy | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Egg Foo Young

Posted on October 2, 2023 by pauldelancey

Chinese Entree

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EGG FOO YOUNG

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INGREDIENTS – VEGGIE & CHICKEN MIX
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8 eggs
1 small chicken breast
1 medium white onion
2 stalks green onion
1 stalk celery
1 garlic clove
1 cup bean sprouts
2 teaspoons sesame oil
½ teaspoon cornstarch (3 more tablespoons below)
1½ tablespoons soy sauce (¼ cup more below)
½ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon white pepper
2 tablespoons peanut oil
no-stick spray
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INGREDIENTS – SAUCE
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3 tablespoons cornstarch
¼ cup soy sauce
1 tablespoon dry sherry
⅔ cup water
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Serves 4. Takes 35 minutes.
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PREPARATION – VEGGIES & CHICKEN MIX
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Beat eggs. Dice chicken breast, white onion, green onion, celery, and garlic clove. Put sesame oil in frying pan or skillet. Add white onion, green onion, celery, garlic, and sprouts. Cook on  for about 5 minutes on medium heat or until veggies are tender. Stir frequently.
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Add chicken breast, ½ teaspoon cornstarch, 1½ tablespoons soy sauce, salt, and white pepper. Cook for about 3 minutes on medium or until chicken bits have all changed color. Stir enough to prevent burning. Remove veggie/chicken mixture from frying pan and set aside.
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Spray pan with no-stick spray. Add peanut oil. Cook peanut oil on medium heat. Add ¼ of the beaten eggs and cook with medium heat until egg begin to set. Use a spatula to cut this big patty into 4 patties. Flip over all egg patties. (You might want to use two spatulas.)
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Add ⅓ of the veggie-chicken mix to the top of the 4 patties. Add another ¼ of the beaten eggs and cook on medium until egg on top begins to set. Flip these egg foo young patties. You should now have 2 layers of egg and 1 of mix for each patty. Repeat this step 2 more times until you have 4 layers of eggs and 3 of the mix. Don’t let the  egg layers burn. Place patties on serving plates.
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PREPARATION – SAUCE
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Add 3 tablespoons cornstarch and ¼ cup soy sauce to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork or whisk until well blended. Add dry sherry and water. Mix with fork or whisk until well blended. Add this mix to pan. Bring to boil using medium heat. Remove from heat. Mix with spatula until sauce thickens. Ladle or brush sauce onto egg foo young patties.
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TIDBITS
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1) Many solar orbits ago, 1728 in fact, the second half of the Foo clan finally set off from China in search of culinary freedom. But where to go? They decided to let the next morning Sun decide. As luck would have it, the Sun rose in the east. So they trekked east to America.
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2) Their leader Egg was a good man. So much so, that for ever after, whenever a man was held to be a nice guy, people would call him a “good egg.”
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3) Anyway, Egg Foo led his tribe to the Asia-North America land bridge, which no longer existed in 1738. The Land Bridge had only existed up to 16,000 years ago. The first half of the Foos had managed to cross the Bridge before it disappeared. But Chow Fun had lead the first Foos and he was a dynamic, go getter.
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4) The nice Egg Foo was not. In fact, the second Foos were rather disorganized. They really meant to leave only after the first Foos departed. But delay after delay occurred. The Foos would seem to be ready, then a little girl would forget her doll. Alfonso Foo–a Spaniard who’d married into the Foo clan–realized he’d forgotten his spear and went back into his tent to get it. Hunana Foo, decided to go through her mail. This reminded Xiangzhao Foo that she had forgotten to stop her mail and so hopped off to the post office to do so. In the meantime, Zingzin Foo had gotten peckish and decided to have a rather robust breakfast. Meilee Foo, went through her wardrobe for the 32nd time.
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“Did everyone remember to bring snacks?” asked Egg, No one had. So, all the Foos went back to their tents to make some. “Did everyone remember to bring caps?” asked Mama Xi. “It gets cold at the Asia-North America land bridge.” No one had. So the men folk took to shearing sheep and the women to knitting caps. And so it went. Before anyone knew it, ­­16,000 years had passed. The Bridge had long since been covered by rising water levels.
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5) Fortunately, Egg’s descendant, Egg DCXV–a brilliant man who really deserved to be remembered in history–made the Foos collect tons of krill. It was simplicity itself to trade this food to balleen whales in exchange for passage across the Bering Strait.
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6) In 1878, the Foos finally entered San Francisco. The locals remarked how young Egg DCLV looked. So, it was inevitable that Chef Egg’s first entry got called Egg Foo Young.
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7) Chjcken-egg historians claim that the Egg Foo DCLII joined the Cole-Younger that terrorized Missouri after the Civil War, heralding the formation of the Cole-Younger-Foo (CVF) gang. Naturally, lcocals referred to the Foo’s leader as Egg Foo Younger. In time, folks shortened his moniker to Egg Foo Young. Egg historians even aver that Egg Foo DCLII served this entree to the CVFs before train robberies. However, little evidence exists to support this preposterous, alternative claim.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Favorite Pizza Toppings Around the World

Posted on September 24, 2023 by pauldelancey

Craving a different sort of pizza? See what the world has to offer.

America: bacon, Canadian bacon, ground beef, bell pepper, extra cheese, mushrooms (ugh. Sorry, I don’t like them), onion, pepperoni, pineapple, sausage, tomatoes
Australia: shrimp, pineapple, barbecue sauce

Brunei: honey, garlic, barbecue, chicken
Brazil: green peas, hard-boiled eggs
Canada: spaghetti
China: thousand island dressing, eel sushi

Costa Rica: coconut, pineapple
France: flambée (bacon, onion, fresh cream)
Germany: egg, asparagus, tuna

India: pickled ginger, lamb, chicken tikka
Italy: pepperoni, prosciutto, sausage, pancetta, tomato, peas, olive
Japan: ketchup, eel, squid, and Mayo Jaga (mayonnaise, potato, bacon)

Korea: sweet potato, shrimp
Netherlands: double meat, double cheese, double onion
Pakistan: curry
Russia: mockba (a combination of sardines, tuna, mackerel, salmon, and onions), red herring

Sweden*: allspice, artichoke, banana, bacon, beets, bell pepper, Bearnaise sauce, cabbage, caper, carrot, chicken, chocolate, crab, curry, duck, eggplant, filet mignon, French fries, fruit cocktail, gorgonzola, guacamole, ham, hard-boiled eggs, honey. kebab meat. leeks, mashed potato, mayonnaise, onion, peanut, pepperoni, pickles, pineapple, raisin, salami, sausage, shallot, shrimp, white sauce, taco spices, tuna, and zucchini.
Venezuela: corn, goat cheese

Enjoy!

* = Sweden really is the cutting edge of pizza toppings.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Wanda Wunder Wonders About Barbie(tm) Dolls

Posted on September 19, 2023 by pauldelancey

I saw a photo about an army of 8,000 terra cotta soldiers made many centuries ago in China. I then though of Barbie Dolls. I have too much time on my hands.

Wanda Wunder #33

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Mozzarella Hamburger

Posted on February 22, 2023 by pauldelancey

Italian Entree

MOZZARELLA HAMBURGER

INGREDIENTS

SAUTE
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 tablespoon peanut oil
2 garlic cloves
1 medium onion
1 teaspoon thyme
¼ teaspoon black pepper
½ teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
¼ teaspoon sea salt

BURGER MIX
1½ pounds ground beef
2 eggs
1½ tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
½ tablespoon basil
½ teaspoon oregano
no-stick cooking spray

8 hamburger buns or 16 slices of bread
8 slices of mozzarella
8 leaves of lettuce

PREPARATION

Dice garlic cloves and onion. Melt butter in frying pan. Add olive and peanut oils. Put thyme, black pepper, meat sauce, and sea salt in pan. Sauté these ingredients on medium heat for about 5 to 10 minutes or until onion is soft. Set aside.

(You can dice garlic, but there are no garlic dice.)

Combine ground beef, eggs, Worcestershire sauce, basil, and oregano in mixing bowl. Add sautéed ingredients. Mix again.

Form 8 patties. Put them in frying pan coated with no-stick spray. Fry patties on medium-high heat for 2 to 3 minutes, flipping them over with care and cook for 2 to 3 minutes more. Put mozzarella slices on top of each patty. Fry for 1 more minute. Heat patties more if they are not yet cooked to your satisfaction.

Toast 8 buns. Assemble buns, patties, and lettuce.

TIDBITS

1) Marco Polo traveled in China from 1275 to 1292. He brought back pasta to Italy, which was eagerly eaten by the peasantry but not by the nobility. (Goodness! That last sentence wasn’t clear, was it? I meant to convey the peasants ate pasta. They did not eat Italy.)

2) Marco Polo did not bring back hamburgers as the Great Khan of China was apparently too busy trying to subjugate the world to develop this wondrous culinary treat.

3) Cosimo de’ Medici gained power in Florence. His great financial and political skills brought prosperity to Florence, but, alas, no hamburgers.

4) Lorenzo de’ Medici took sole power in Florence. His rule brought Florence to its height of prestige. The arts flourished. Michelangelo produced magnificent works of art. No one produced a hamburger.

5) Columbus discovered the Americas in 1492. Did the original Americans possess the knowledge of the hamburger? (See Tidbit 7.)

6) In 1494, Naples, angered by Florentine politics, called in the French king Charles VIII to fight Piero de’ Medici and the Florentines. Hundreds of thousands of Italians presumably hoped Charles VIII would bring the hamburger to Italy.

7) The French, already showing antipathy to American cooking, discovered only two years before, not only refused to bring the hamburger to Italy, but suppressed all knowledge of it coming from the New World.

8) In 1495, Milan, Venice, the Holy Roman Empire, the Papal States, and Aragon seething over the suppression of the hamburger formed an alliance to drive the French out of Italy.

9) From 1495 to 1866, various Italian states and the Spanish, French, and Austrians waged nearly constant war up and down the Italian peninsula. This naturally delayed the development of the Italian hamburger. In fact, this blessed culinary treat would occur in the relatively tranquil America of 1826.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Loving Poem About NASA

Posted on February 2, 2023 by pauldelancey

NASA

NASA says they’re going to look more
For things they’ve never found.
How do they know what to look for
If they’ve never found them?

When Pooh looked for heffalumps
He never found the missing grumps.
But when Columbus looked for China
He found something much more fine-a.

Recently, I lost my sets of keys.
It was indeed of a time of anguish.
But I found them, for you see
I knew what for to wish.

So NASA, look around stars
Then you’ll find what is new
When you look up in the blue
OK, live large. Find planets, too.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Cantonese Ginger Beef

Posted on April 13, 2022 by pauldelancey

Chinese Entree

CANTONESE GINGER BEEF

INGREDIENTS – MARINADE

¾ pound sirloin steak or flank steak
2 teaspoons sesame oil or vegetable oil
1 tablespoon mirin or rice wine
1 tablespoon light soy sauce or soy sauce
2 teaspoons cornstarch

INGREDIENTS – SAUCE

¼ cup chicken stock
4 teaspoons oyster sauce or hoisin sauce
¾ teaspoon light soy sauce or soy sauce
1 teaspoon cornstarch

INGREDIENTS – FINAL

1½” ginger root
3 scallions or green onions
1 cup peanut oil or vegetable oil

SPECIAL UTENSILS

wok (optional, not to be confused with an EwokTM. Although having an Ewok would be cool.)

Serves 4. Takes 45 minutes.

PREPARATION – MARINADE

Cut steak against the grain into as thin as possible slices. Cut these slices into 1″ squares. Add all marinade ingredients to large mixing bowl. Stir with hands until cornstarch is no longer visible and steak squares are well coated. Let sit for 20 minutes.

PREPARATION – SAUCE

While steak marinates, Add all sauce ingredients to small mixing bowl. Stir with fork until cornstarch is no longer visible.

PREPARATION – FINAL

Peel ginger root. Cut ginger root into thin strips or rounds. Cut scallions into ½” long pieces. Add peanut oil and marinated steak squares to wok. Sauté at medium-high for 3 minutes or until steak squares brown. Stir enough to ensure even browning. Remove steak squares and drain on paper towels. Remove all but 1 tablespoon oil from work.

Add ginger strips and scallion pieces to work. Sauté for 30 seconds. Stir frequently. Return steak squares and add sauce to wok. Stir fry using medium-high heat until liquid starts to boil and steak squares are cooked through. Stir frequently.

TIDBITS

1) America has the Easter Bunny. It is both a symbol of the Resurrection and of fertility.

2) Britain also has the Easter Bunny.

3) The Easter originally came to America from Germany.

4) But Germany hasn’t really celebrated the Easter Bunny for a long time.

5) Germany also started two world wars.

6) Coincidence? Perhaps.

7) Australia doesn’t have an Easter Bunny either. In 1859 or so, someone released rabbits into the wilds. The rabbits bred like rabbits. Soon, rabbits were displacing all sorts of native critters and munching acres upon acres of crops. Farmers hated that. So, Australia periodically wages a campaign against the rabbit hordes. But the rabbits keep coming back. Farmers still hate them.

8) Thus, the land Down Under doesn’t have an Easter Bunny. It has the Easter tilby. A tilby looks a bit like a rabbit. The tilby has great sex, producing eight babies a year. This number is apparently, less than what the rabbit can do. But even so, the Easter tilby isn’t as celebrated as the Easter Bunny is in other lands.

9) America, Britain, Germany, and even Australia aren’t the only nations with a rabbitish animal celebrating fertility.

10) Oh no, the Cantonese region of China honors fecundity through cattle.

11) What is the singular form of cattle? Technically, there isn’t one. However, extensive research –Watching hours of the TV show Rawhide–gives us “beeves” as an alternative word for “cattle.” “Beef” is the singular form of “Beeves.” There you go.

12) It might seem strange for a beef to symbolize fertility. Would a bee have been a much better representative for reproduction?

13) Yes, it would have. Except that in 1884, a British newspaper, The Lion, wrote an article about Canton’s annual Bee Festival. Only The Lion didn’t say that. A misprint turned the celebration into the Beef Festival.

14) Hundreds of thousands of tourists thronged Canton to honor beef., spending millions of pounds while there. The Cantonese government knowing a good thing when they saw it, officially renamed the event, The Beef Festival. Local restaurateurs developed this dish to serve their British guests. Now you know.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Finnish Hot Dog Sauce (Nakkikastike)

Posted on February 27, 2022 by pauldelancey

Finnish Entree

HOT DOG SAUCE
(Nakkikastike)

INGREDIENTS

1 pound hot dogs or sausages
1 medium onion
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
3 tablespoons flour
1¾ cups beef broth
¾ cup cream
3 tablespoons ketchup
½ teaspoon pepper

Serves 4. Takes 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cut hot dogs into circles ½” thick. Dice onion. Add onion and vegetable oil to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add hot-dog circles. Stir until well blended. Sauté for 3 minutes or until hot-dog slices brown.

Lower heat to medium. Add flour. Fry until flour turns browns. Mix until well blended. Add beef broth. Stir with whisk until there are no lumps. Bring to boil using medium-high heat. Stir frequently. Add cream, ketchup, and pepper. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally. Goes well with mashed potatoes.

TIDBITS

1) Culinary historians tell us this Finnish dish actually came from China some thousands of years ago and that it was originally called Yin Yang. Indeed, culinary philosophers maintain that Yin Yang is a Chinese philosophical concept that describes how apparently opposite forces may actually be complementary and interconnected in the culinary world. Later Chinese philosophers extended this concept to the entire natural world. Now everybody, not just chefs, can have big thinks about how things fit together.

2) Just so you know, it’s extremely windy outside my window.

3) For some 217 years, 9 months, and 26 days, Chinese debated on what were the grand universal twin powers from which flowed all opposite and complementary forces. Then Chef Tai Chi Pei piped up, “The twin universal powers are Hot Dog Sauce and Mashed Potatoes.” All the philosophers agreed at once. It’s just one of things that had been hard to see, but became incredibly obvious once presented. This revolutionary idea made its way to Finland via the Silk Road. Inner-truth seeking Finnish chefs gave culinary shape to this philosophy with this dish. Now you know.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Brown Sugar Honey Mustard Smoked Ham

Posted on January 22, 2022 by pauldelancey

American Entree

BROWN SUGAR HONEY MUSTARD SMOKED HAM

INGREDIENTS

10 pounds ham
⅓ cup barbecue rub
no-stick spray
1⅓ cup brown sugar
1 cup honey mustard
2 cups orange juice

SPECIAL UTENSILS

smoker
apple or cherry wood chunks
meat thermometer
disposal aluminum pan
sonic obliterator

Takes 7 hours 30 minutes. (Times vary with smoker.) Serves 15.

PREPARATION

Preheat smoker to 250 degrees. Add wood chunks to smoker. Rub barbecue rub onto ham. Score ham in a diamond patter ½” deep. Spray disposal aluminum pan with no-stick spray. Let ham sit out at room temperature for 1 hour. Add ham to aluminum pan. Cook for 1 hour

While ham cooks for 1 hour, add brown sugar, honey mustard, and orange juice to mixing bowl. Mix with fork or whisk until well blended. This is the glaze. Cook until temperature registered by meat thermometer reaches145 degrees. Baste ham with glaze every 45 minutes until done. Remove ham and let sit for 20 minutes

TIDBITS

1) Sometimes, ingredients can be hard to find. Once I looked for a specific herb for a Mongolian dish. However, this herb could only be found in a remote part of northwestern China. You need to get permission from the Chinese authorities to go there. Chinese police will probably start to tail you when you start looking all over the land for this rare herb. And even then, it’s seasonal. I opted for a substitute herb.

2) Then there are instances, like for this recipe. I wanted a 7-pound ham. My local supermarket did not have a ham in the refrigerated aisles. They did not have one on display at the butcher. They did not have one there. They did not have one anywhere. I asked the butcher if there might be one at the back. He said no. He added there were no hams in all of Poway, my fair city. I eventually found a ten-pounder 30 miles away. So if your guests give you any guff about the meal you created, zap them with your sonic obliterator. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your kitchen.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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