Posts Tagged With: plate tectonics

Why Watch Football When You Can See Football Football?

Posted on May 23, 2022 by pauldelancey

Sports have gotten boring. Even football. Sure there are great bursts of excitement. I mean, what can rival a 95-yard pass in getting your heart pumping? But this thrill lasts for a few seconds. Half-minute huddles precede each and every play. Watching paint dry is more exciting. And then there are the team time outs. And then there are theTV timeouts. I tell ya, evenwatching plate tectonics at work provides a stronger adrenaline rush.

At present, there’s only two teams on the field at any one time. What’s up with that? Only one team to root for. Only one time to boo.

What is the solution to this dreary state of affairs?

Simple.

But four teams on the field. As before, Team A wins by outscoring Team B. But now Team C plays against Team D.

Huzzah!

With four teams competing, there’s bound to be a play going in at any one time.

Note that the teams lining up for a play are not obligated in any way to get out of the way of the play in progress. Sure they can, but only if they want to.

This brings up instant strategy considerations. Suppose you’re on defense for Team A. A wide receiver for Team D catches the ball and eludes all of Team C’s defenders. Do you let the wide receiver go by you and score? After all his touchdown won’t affect your game. Suppose your team needs Team D to lose to get into the playoffs. In this case, you tackle the receiver.

Wow! Total excitement! Exclamation points galore! Talk about cardiovasular excercise. Will a defender tackle that player with the ball or won’t he?

The thrills work just as well on offense. You’re a tight end for Team A trying to catch a poorly thrown ball by your quarterback. But wait! C’s QB has thrown a pass that is nearer to you. You catch that one and run all the way to the end zone. Bad for C’s receiver, but maybe he can haul in your QB’s toss. It’s easy to construct a scenario where Team A will find it easier to pass to Team C’s receiver. Or vice versa. If you’re on defense whom do you defend against, Team A or Team C?

I tell ya, it’s like combining the intellectual challenge of chess with the non-stop action of a marathon, while still keeping football’s bone crushing hits of football.

And can you imagine the bee-hive activity on the field when someone fumbles? All four teams will be going for the ball. What if the other two teams are in the middle of a play as well? If this isn’t Excitement City, then nothing is.

We need Football Football. Once watched, you’ll never go back. Join me in making this happen. Then tell me what you like about Football Football.

Below is a picture of a Football Football game. Doesn’t your heart thump a bit faster just looking at it?

Football Football

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Corned Beef Cakes

Posted on November 12, 2021 by pauldelancey

Sierra Leonean Entree

CORNED BEEF CAKES

INGREDIENTS

1 pound potatoes or yams
1 teaspoon salt (1 teaspoon more later)
1 small onion
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon parsley
1 teaspoon pepper
1 12-ounce can corned beef
1 egg (1 more egg later)
3 tablespoons milk
1½ cups bread crumbs
1 egg
6 tablespoons peanut oil or vegetable oil (2 tablespoons per batch)

Makes 12 cakes. Takes 1 hour 10 minutes.

PREPARATION

Peel potatoes. Cut each potato into 4 pieces. Add potato pieces to large pot. Add 1 teaspoon salt and enough water to cover potato pieces. Bring water to boil using high heat. Boil for 15 minutes or until potato pieces are soft. While potato bits boil, dice onion. Remove pot from heat. Drain water. Mash potatoes with potato masher or fork. Add onion, 1 teaspoon salt, cayenne pepper, parsley, pepper, and corned beef. Mix with whisk until well blended.

Add 1 egg to small bowl. Beat with whisk or fork. Add milk. Mix with whisk until well blended. Add egg/milk mixture and corned beef/mashed potato mixture to large mixing bowl. Mix with hands until well blended. Make 12 patties.

Add bread crumbs to a 3rd bowl. Add 1 egg to a 4th bowl. Beat egg with whisk or fork. Add patty to bowl with egg. Coat both sides of patty with egg. Add egg-coated patty to bowl with bread crumbs. Dredge patty through bread crumbs until patty is completely covered. Repeat for remaining patties.

Add 2 tablespoons peanut oil to pan per batch. Heat oil using medium-high heat. Oil is hot enough when a breadcrumb added to the oil starts to dance. Carefully add 4 bread coated patties to the hot oil. Sauté patties for 1 minute using medium-high heat or until patties start to blacken on the bottom. Carefully flip patties over; they can be crumbly. Sauté for 1 minute more or until the new bottom side of the patties start to blacken. Remove patties from heat. Drain on paper towels. Repeat for remaining batches.

TIDBITS

1) The continents and other bits of land are constantly in motion.

2) Does this mean you’re going to get whiplash just by sitting in a chair watching TV in the den? Or will your television suddenly separate from the rest of the den and rapidly recede into the distance? And what about the giant chasm between you and the TV?

3) What if you are near sighted and suddenly your program “FriendsTM” is on a screen 100 yards away and you need to get your glasses and they are in your bedroom which is on the other side of a 100-yard-wide chasm and although you were a crackerjack long jumper in college and could leap 26 feet, you still know that your longest jump is still 274 feetshort of the width of the chasm and you are so distraught that you’ve just composed your longest run-on sentence ever?

4) What if you’re on the famous pier in Santa Monica and California’s entire coast falls separates from the rest of the continent and plunges into the ocean and you can’t help wondering if you had locked the front door or not?

5) What if you’re driving on a country road and all of a sudden the ground beneath you lurches forward so much so that you exceed the speed limit by 200 mph? A traffic cop pulls you over. You tell the officer, “The movement of the Earth’s crust made me go this fast”. The cop shakes his head. “Like I haven’t heard that one before.”

6) Well fret not, dear friend, the previous four tidbits are currently quite unlikely. The Earth’s plates currently move at a rate of about ¼” a year.

7) How long would it take for your television to move 100 feet away?

8) 400 years. The sitcom “Friends” would be over by then.

9) Let me further calm you down. Your TV and your chair are almost certainly on the same Earth plate. So now matter where your huge bit of the planet moves, you always be the same distance away from your show. You’ll not need to get your classes. Any 100-foot chasm. will be dozens of miles away.

10) So how do we know all this? How did the study of plate tectonics come about?

11) In 1946, Kadie Mansara of Makeni, Sierra Leone, served this entree, Corned Beef Cakes, for her little boy, Patrick. Now Patrick liked to play with his food. His three corned beef cakes were originally all next to each other. However, the little scamp moved the corned beef all over the plate until they were positioned as shown in the above photograph. Ma Kaide gazed at the new configuration

13) She had an epiphany. Great sections of the Earth must move in the same way. We don’t see the movement, but it happens. Slow continental movement would explain mountains, earthquakes, even why the west coast of Africa looks like the east coast of South America. Mrs. Mansaray would go on to found the prestigious Sierra Leone Plate Tectonics Institute. 40 years later she received a Nobel Prize for her ground-breaking research. Now you know.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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My Mason Jars: Filled With Flours, Spices, and Herbs

Posted on May 11, 2021 by pauldelancey

Hi. I’m sorry for today’s short food blog. I went to two supermarkets to get ingredients for Tuluk, sort of a banana wrapped tamale from Vanuatu, and for Napolitaines, a cookie sandwich with raspberry jam, from Mauritius. I then came home to show Number Two Son how to assemble his documents and fill out his Federal Tax Form. I’m having a slight break now. Afterward, I will show him how to do his state taxes. What fun!

Sorry for the blurry photos. I blame plate tectonics.

And as always, “Good cooking. Good Eating.”

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Bad Advice Friday + 1, 08-11-17

Posted on August 12, 2017 by pauldelancey

I am ready. I am able to dispense with stupendously bad advice. It’s one date late because:

1) I was serving on the Neighborhood Plate Tectonics Watch.

2) I was wondering where all my orphan socks went to.

3) I spent all afternoon thinking it would be way cool to be able to walk on the ceiling.

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TLR asks: Should I put a nasty note on this truck?

Dear TLR: No, as tempting as that might be, you can’t out puswad a puswad. Unless, of course, you have access to a particle accelerator. First, rent a large tow truck. Put the puswad’s truck on the tow truck. You might need to buy and speed read, The Complete Freaking Moron’s Guide to Operating a Tow Truck. You should also buy, The Complete Freaking Moron’s Guide to Speed Reading. Okay, the offending truck is ready to be towed.

Drive your tow truck to a site with a large particle accelerator. Ask to be let in. Note: your chances of success go up if you say please and thank you. If they say no, you can probably bash down the gate with your heavy tow truck. One inside, get the mean person’s truck into the particle accelerator. You will have to work quickly if you bashed down the gate. Press the button marked, “Accelerate,” and whoosh, the meanie’s truck will soon reach a velocity close to the speed of light. Any collision between the truck and particle accelerator’s walls will disintegrate the truck. Sweep up the atomized bits of truck–cleanliness is always in style–and go back to the parking lot. Place the back of atomized truck pits where the truck originally took up four spots. Add a sign that reads, “Next time it will be you that gets atomized if you park like a jerk.” Now that will get the jerk’s attention.

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KD asks: Will it ever be acceptable to openly roll one’s eyes when one sees someone do something ridiculous like hold up entering the bus to finish a text? O_O

Dear KD: Oh yes, it already is. However, just rolling your eyes is no longer enough. The texting doofus needs to be taught a lesson. Simply throw a loosely wrapped package of lutefisk, five pounds should be heavy enough, at the texter. The force and stench of the hurled lutefisk will knock him backwards and onto the sidewalk. He’ll a nasty bump on his head that he’ll never forget. Don’t worry about the people on the bus. They’ll be happy that the bus will no longer be delayed. They’ll also never have to smell that lutefisk again. It’s a win-win outcome for everyone.

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CA asks: What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Dear CA: The metal thingy hanging from the metal of a giant six-foot high church bell is called a clapper. This is your clue. Simply climb up the side of a church–the Spanish missions in California are good places to try–and get inside. You’ll need to wear clothes that match the color of the church’s walls or you’ll be spotted and stopped. Once inside the bell, smash your hand into the side of the bell. The sound you’ll hear before becoming permanently deaf will be the sound of one hand clapping.

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CC asks: What’s a good date plan for a couple that have been married for over 30 years?

Dear CC: After 30 years, you’ve probably done every possible type of date there is. Except, sky diving over an active volcano. Hire a pilot to fly you over the center of the lava spurting volcano. You might have to ask around a lot before you find one willing to do this. Be persistent.

Simply strap on your parachutes and jump out the plane. Be sure to wait for the pilot’s signal. Safety, as always, is important. When the time is right, pull the cord and your parachute will deploy. Did you take parachuting lessons? I hope so. Twist so that at the last moment you will veer away from the death-vomiting volcano.

Is this dangerous? Yes, it is. But if all goes well, you and your sweetheart will have drawn closer together, your love forged even stronger by fire. And sitting close to each other on a couch looking longingly into each other’s eye will be just what you’ll want to do for the rest of your lives.

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MA asks: If you write a book about failure and it doesn’t sell, would it be a success?

Dear MA: I’m not equipped to answer such a deep philosophical question. But the Tibetan monks would be. Now, the Chinese government is really a super huge dictatorship. Millions of members are in the ruling Communist party. I wouldn’t be surprised at all, really, if Guinness Book of RecordsTM lists the Chinese government as the biggest dictatorship ever.

Anyway, being a dictatorship and all, the Chinese government tries real hard to suppress all discontent against them. They are indeed very thorough about this. And it’s an atheistic ruling body as well. So, it’s real hard to believe they’d let you see a monk. So you’ll have sneak your way to one.

Two possibilities exist. First, fly to Shanghai. Slip by customs without being noticed. May I suggest pointing at the sky and yelling, “Look, Halley’s comet!” Continue to be invisible as you ride trains and busses to a monastery. Ask a monk. Get an answer. Revel in the enlightenment before sneaking your way back home. Second. fly to Bombay, now Mumbai. Take the train to the Tibetan border. Hire a Sherpa guide. Bring oxygen canisters to help you breathe as you cross the Himalayas. Oh and a warm fur parka will help you with the intense cold. Don’t forget to watch for bullets. The Chinese and Indian armies are currently skirmishing with each other. As above, get your answer and come back home.

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Bad Advice Friday, 6-02-17

Posted on June 2, 2017 by pauldelancey

I am ready. I am able to dispense with stupendously bad advice on time because:

1) Plate tectonics was not as bad this week as it was last week.
2) I am one with the universe.
3) Taco forces are advancing all over the glove.

So, I shall once more be dispensing stupendously bad advice.

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LF asks: Why can’t I fly?

Dear LF: You can! You can! You just need a giant slingshot. How big? Oh, about ten yards wide. You will, of course, need a lot of strong men to pull back the sling shot for you. Go to a biker bar and set up your slingshot between two trees. Then run over all their Harley DavidsonsTM several times with a pickup truck. Go into the bar and yell, “Hey wooses, I destroyed your hogs with my pickup trucks. Na na na poo poo!” It’s important to say “na na na poo poo.” They will certainly chase you out the door after that. Place yourself in the slingshot’s pocket, point to the smashed motorcycles, and say, “Hey wooses, what are you going to do about that?” They will certainly pull the slingshot back as far as they can. The joke will be on them however because you will fly through the air when they release. Oh, and I wouldn’t bother going back to whatever will be left of your truck. But you will have flown. And double oh, wear a helmet. Safety first and all that.

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SF asks: How do you pronounce covfefe?

Dear SF: Just like it looks.

Dear SF: Don’t listen to that advice. Change one in a song to covfefe. For example, change the song “Mariah” in Paint Your Wagon to “Covfefe.” “Covfefe, covfefe, they call the wind, Covfefe.” Then change “Shipoopi” from The Music Man to “Covfefe.” Do this for all sorts of songs, new ones too like “Hello” by Adele. Then go around home, work, and shopping, singing these songs one after another. Your covfefe song that gets the most people to grab their heads and yell, “Augh! I can’t get that song out of my head” will be right pronunciation of covfefe.

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SF asks: If I swallow my head, is that good Karma?

Dear SF: I am guessing it’s bad Karma as what you will be attempting will come back to bite you. See what I did there? But seriously, you really will choke yourself to death if you try to swallow your head. Your head is simply much too large to go down your throat in one piece. You will need to devour your head in several pieces. Plus swallowing your entire head is a severe breach of etiquette. A little bit a time, that way you won’t get noticed. And if you’re going to eat your head, I really suggest sautéing it in olive oil with minced onion and garlic cloves. Finally, look at the color of your skin. A light skinned head pairs with a white wine, champagne even if this is a festive occasion and a red wine if you’re dark skinned. Go ahead splurge on an good, expensive wine as this will be a once in a lifetime experience.

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LF asks: Can a stupid person be a smart ass?

Dear LF: This is tough one for me. Best get expert advice. Fortunately this is easy to do. Simply join the Marine Corps. This will entail a four-year commitment–Boy, that word is toughie to spell isn’t it?–but you’re on a quest for knowledge and such trifles shouldn’t deter you. Your drill instructor will give you an order on your very first day. He will then ask you, “Any questions?” This is your opportunity to ask, “Can a stupid person be a smart ass?” The knowledgeable sergeant will tell you loud and clear. Indeed, your inquisitive nature will so capture the heart of the drill instructor that he will pay special attention to you. His thoughtfulness will make basic training go by in no time.

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: bad advice Friday | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Tiramisu

Posted on January 17, 2017 by pauldelancey

Italian Dessert

TIRAMISU

INGREDIENTStiramisu

6 lady fingers
6 egg yolks
⅔ cup sugar
½ teaspoon rum extract or 2 tablespoons rum or Marsala wine
1 pound marscapone*
½ cup room-temperature espresso
1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa

* = You could use cream cheese as a substitute, but then the ghosts of thousands of Italian chefs would arise to terrorize the world and you don’t want that, do you?

SPECIAL UTENSILS

8″ x 8″ casserole dish
double boiler (This utensil makes this recipe easier. However, the recipe is written for those who don’t have one. Life is fraught with difficult choices.)

Serves 6. Takes 6 hours 15 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add egg yolks and sugar to mixing bowl. Mix with whisk until well blended. Add rum extract. Mix with whisk until well blended. Add egg yolk/sugar mixture to pan. The pan needs to be just wide enough not to fall into to the pot that will go beneath it.

Add water to pot until it is 2/3 the way to the top. Heat on high heat until water is nearly boiling. Reduce heat to low and rest pan on the pot. Stir egg yolk/sugar mixture for 10 minutes or until it starts to thicken. Stir constantly. Remove from heat and cool in refrigerator for 15 minutes or until mixture is cold. Add marscapone. Mix gently with whisk until mixture is creamy.

Cut lady fingers in half along their lengths Drizzle lady-finger halves with espresso. Arrange the bottom halves of the lady fingers in casserole dish. Add ½ of the marscapone/egg yolk mixture over espresso and lady fingers. Smooth with spatula. Add lady-finger tops and the remaining marscapone/egg yolk mixture. Sprinkle with cocoa. Refrigerate for 5 hours or until tiramisu is firm.

TIDBITS

1) The Russia of 1611 to 1613 was ruled by a cat, Tsar Miiu. Miiu is the way Russian cats say “meow.” Now, cats do not ordinarily rule such a large country or even a smaller one like Belgium.

2) However, Tsar Miiu reign began during difficult times. Indeed, the years of 1598 are known as The Time of Troubles. Because they were troubling times. With lots of troubles. People were troubled by the troubling troubles.

3) On August 23, 1601, a young teen named Ivan stayed in bed. He should have been out helping with the harvest. Instead he daydreamed and daydreamed about the beautiful Reiko Go. The Gos ran a small restaurant in the nearby. As the only place serving Japanese noodles within thousands of miles, Go to Go’s pretty much had the Miso Soup market cornered. When the peasants didn’t have time to sit down, they ordered to go at Go to Go’s to go window.

4) Anyway, Ivan’s parents came in and raged at Ivan for his laziness. They called him: moss, a rock, a slug a sloth, and a sluggish sloth. Disgusted at this abuse, Ivan, a scant hour later, bolted out of bed and took off to Go to Go’s to see Reiko. He asked her to elope. Reiko said, “You’re as handsome as the perfect noodle, but I’d so as eat lutefisk as marry you. You have no money. You have no prospects. You’ve as much get up and go as a snail relying on plate tectonics for a burst of speed.”

5) There you have it, the first mention of plate tectonics. Reiko often mused about the Earth’s shifting plates during slow times at the restaurant. That Reiko had figured out the Earth was composed of a core composed of molten nickel, a mantle made of rockish stuff (This was a theory in its infancy, after all.), and a crust comprised of slowly moving plates. She could have revolutionized the world of science. But instead, she devoted herself to making the perfect noodle.

6) Reiko pointed her finger at the door. “Go, be like Dmitri, the son of our late Tsar.”
“But he’s dead, sweetheart. People say he staggered off a cliff.”
“Ivan, I don’t know that. I didn’t see that. No one saw him die. He could have journeyed to Paris for the perfect boeuf bourguignon.”

7) A light bulb went off over Ivan’s head. If no one saw Dmitri die and no one knew what he looked anymore like as it had been years since his last appearance and Dimitri had worn a cloth sack over his anyway due to his acne. So, Ivan showed up at the Russian Duma and proclaimed himself to be Dmitri, the true heir to the Russian throne. Most of the Russian nobles put up no resistance, having dined on lutefisk for lunch.

8) However, the nobility that had eaten chicken instead contested his claim. Civil war broke out. Battles raged all over the country. Crops were trampled and burnt. Foreign governments sensing opportunity, invaded. Land was taken. Citrus trees were chopped down. The Russian tangelo industry would never recover. More pretenders to the throne arose. Even more fighting occurred, enough to warrant an exclamation point! The Russian Duma met and withdrew support from all contenders. A new tsar needed to be crowned.

9) A that point Miiu, a cat, padded into the building, a mouse in his mouth. Boyar Koniev pointed at it. “That cat for Tsar.”
Boldin shook his head. “Nyet, that is only a cat. All it will do is catch mices and nap.”
“Bo ho,” said Koniev, “wouldn’t that be a huge improvement over all the tsars and claimants we’ve had lately?”
Everyone agreed and Miiu became Tsar. Miiu reigned for two years, By that time Russia had calmed down enough to raise a human to the throne. The new tsar’s chef and anagrammatist, created a new dessert in Tsar Miiu’s honor, tiramisu.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Moravian Christmas Cookies

Posted on March 31, 2016 by pauldelancey

Czech Dessert

MORAVIAN CHRISTMAS COOKIES

INGREDIENTSMoravianCookies-

1 teaspoon baking soda
1½ tablespoons warm water
1 cup brown sugar
1¼ cups molasses
½ cup shortening or lard
4 cups flour
1 teaspoon cinnamon
¾ teaspoon ground cloves
¼ teaspoon ginger
¼ teaspoon mace
½ teaspoon nutmeg

2 tablespoons flour
no-stick spray

SPECIAL UTENSILS

cookie cutter
4 or so cookie sheets (You might have to bake in batches.)

Makes 36 cookies. Takes 2 hours 40 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add baking soda and warm water to pot. Stir with fork until baking soda dissolves. Add brown sugar, molasses, and shortening. Cook at low-medium heat until all is melted. Stir frequently. Remove from heat..

Add baking soda/brown sugar/molasses mixture to large mixing bowl. Add 1 cup of flour. Knead by hand. Repeat until all 4 cups of flour have been added. Add cinnamon, ground cloves, ginger, mace, and nutmeg. Knead once until dough is stiff and smooth. Cover and place in cool spot for 1½ hours.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Use up to 2 tablespoons flour to dust flat surface. Roll dough out until it is ⅛” thick. Cut dough with cookie cutter or with knife. Spray cookie sheet with no-stick spray. Bake at 350 degrees for 5-to-10 minutes or until cookies harden around the edges or a toothpick inserted into the middle comes out clean. Let sit for 10 minutes.

TIDBITS

1) Molasses flows slowly. Hence the saying, “As slow as molasses.”

2) Slowness is relative of course. Plate tectonics, the shifting of the Earth’s plates, is even slower than molasses. Much slower. Yet no one ever says, “As slow as plate tectonics.”

3) Even so, plate tectonics is much faster than the lines at the Department of Motor Vehicles.

4) This title usually gets shortened to DMV. The department even has a long name.

5) Many people assume that the glacial pace at the DMV is a result of ever increasing swarms of people wanting to get driving permits, driver’s licenses, and to change their names.

6) Name changing arises when recently married women take their husband’s last name.

7) People who have committed murders often change their last name to avoid detection by the police.

8) Black widows, women who marry men and murder them shortly afterward for their money, are especially avid name changers.

9) Law enforcement knows this. Which is why the DMV includes in the section under name changes the following question, “Do you marry and murder for money?”

10) This tactic worked for a while. Then would be money murderers realized they could avoid detection by simply answering, “No.”

11) So these black widows and other killers compound their crime of murder with the one of lying.

12) Soon they feel nothing about jaywalking or looking up the answers at the back of a book of crossword puzzles.

13) The downward moral spiral continues. Pretty soon the tortured soul looks at the hamburger on his plate, his second one when another guest hasn’t even had her first. He wonders how such an off-the-cuff action as murder could have such an impact on his life.

14) This is a critical moment in the murderer’s life. Confess, oh my goodness, confess. Confess and break the downward ethical spiral. Confess that you took that second hamburger. Offer it back to that hamburgerless sweetheart looking down at her empty plate.

15) Your act of self abnegation will bring a smile to her face. The fact of getting of a yummy burger will swamp her body with joy-filling endorphins. She’ll regard you as a knight in shining armor.

16) Soon the two of you will be chatting up a storm and before you know it, you are engaged to be married.

17) Now is the time when you must hold firm. Do not kill her for her money. This is your soul mate. Murder someone else. Do the murder with you new spouse. The couple that slays together, stays together.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cool Mocha Coffee

Posted on February 21, 2016 by pauldelancey

American Appetizer

COOL MOCHA COFFEE

INGREDIENTSCoolMocha-

3 cups hot, brewed coffee
⅔ cup sugar
¾ cup semisweet chocolate chips, milk chocolate if you prefer it sweeter
3½ cups milk

SPECIAL UTENSILS

glass jars with lids if you wish to save the coffee. This coffee will keep about as long as milk does.

Makes 7 cups. Takes 10 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add coffee and sugar to large mixing bowl. Stir with fork until sugar dissolves. Add chocolate chips. Stir with whisk until chocolate melts completely and blends completely with coffee. Add milk. Stir with whisk until blended. The mocha is ready to drink. Keep remaining mocha is sealed glass jars in refrigerator.

TIDBITS

1) I would have written the tidbits for this recipe earlier but for my worries about plate tectonics.

2) I mean what if the Earth’s plates shifted to such an extent that my computer ended up fifty miles from my bed. That would be quite a walk in my pajamas to finish a recipe.

3) And what if the resultant earthquake from some monumental shift of the Earth’s surface created a deep crevice between me and my computer? What if there were pumas in the crevice?

4) But with any luck the earthquake that created the puma-filled crevice in my office would destroy the pumas with debris from the ceiling.

5) Of course, this is not an entirely realistic fear. My fair town of Poway is in the middle of a giant surface plate. My bedroom, my office, and indeed the rest of the house would shift the same amount and in the same direction as the rest of the region. It would indeed be like catching a wave and sitting on top of the world, except that the speed of plate surfing is maybe an inch a year. Geo tubular, man.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Muamba Nsusu (Congolese chicken peanut soup)

Posted on March 21, 2015 by pauldelancey

Congolese Soup

MUAMBA NSUSU
(chicken peanut soup)

INGREDIENTSMuambaNsusu-

2½ pounds chicken breasts
½ teaspoon salt
1 large carrot
1 red chile
1 large yellow onion
2 tomatoes
5 cups chicken stock
¾ teaspoon cumin
1 tablespoon lemon zest
¾ cup creamy peanut butter
5 ounces tomato paste
1 tablespoon red palm oil (1½ tablespoons more later)
1½ tablespoon red palm oil
⅓ cup peanuts

Makes 12 bowls. Takes about 1 hour.

PREPARATION

Cut chicken into 1″ cubes. Rub salt onto chicken cubes. Dice carrot, chile, onion, and tomatoes. (Don’t remove seeds from chile and be sure to wash your hands afterward.) Add chicken stock, cumin, lemon zest, peanut butter, diced tomatoes, and tomato paste to large mixing bowl. Mix with whisk until well blended.

Add 1 tablespoon red palm oil and chicken cubes to large pot. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until chicken is no longer pink on outside. Stir frequently. Set aside. Add 1½ tablespoons red palm oil, carrot, chile, and onion to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. The chicken in the pot and the red palm oil/carrot/onion mix in the pan can be sautéed at the same time.

Add chicken stock/peanut butter/tomato mixture from mixing bowl to pot. Simmer on low-medium heat for 20 minutes or until the soup is well blended. Stir occasionally. Add chicken cubes to pot. Simmer for 5-to-10 minutes or until soup thickens. Garnish with peanuts.

TIDBITS

1) All chefs make the occasional mistake. It’s useful in these events to have a prepared excuse. Mine is plate tectonics. The shifting positions of the Earth’s continents made me burn those eggs. If the mistake was caused by someone ELSE, zap the offender with your sonic obliterator. You don’t need that negativity in your life.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Great Excuses For Late Homework

Posted on October 22, 2014 by pauldelancey
 1) Teacher, I wrote my homework on paper made of matter. While I was walking to school, my homework paper collided with homework paper made of anti-matter. Woowee! It was almost theSurlyPotatoes end of the universe. Thank goodness, it wasn’t, huh? Anyway, my homework and the anti-homework obliterated each other.

– (your name here)

2) My homework got contaminated with ebola.  Turning it in would only put you at great risk.

3) Plate tectonics, need I say more?

4) I was so tired when I did my homework that I inadvertently switched over to the ancient Incan language. Unfortunately, I don’t speak Ancient Incan, so I’ll need more time to redo it in English.

Surly potatoes

5) Lutefisk vendors moved into the neighborhood. Things got ugly.

6) I wrote my homework on edible paper. Then the dog ate it.

7) The dog ralphed the homework back up, but I figured you wanted something with clean, attractive margins.

8) My homework was erased from the hard drive by the NSA before I could print it out.

11) I took a shortcut to school through Boko Haram territory and they burned my homework in hatred for all Western teaching.

12) I got depressed over Sweden’s treatment in the Treaty of Westphalia in 1648.

13) I’m living backward in time like Benjamin Button. I just haven’t unwritten it yet.

14) The mysterious forces that take single socks from the clothes dryer have switched to taking my homework.

15) Spontaneous combustion. Hoo boy! Good thing it didn’t happen while you were grading it.

16) I wrote it on ancient papyrus. London’s Museum of Egyptology wanted the papyrus back.

17) My homework got sucked into a black hole that’s parked outside my front door. Come in through the back if you want to speak to my parents.

18)  There were surly potatoes between me and my homework.

– Paul R. De Lancey, friend of students everywhere.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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