Posts Tagged With: TV

How to Solve TV Mysteries

Dear Reader,

I draw upon my many hours of watching TV mysteries such as Murder She Wrote and Midsomer Murders to give you my tips on solving the show’s murderer. Here they are:

1) The show will heavily suggest a murdered in the first few minutes after the murder. This person is never ever the murderer. Just isn’t. Nope, not ever. Filing for taxes will become easy and pleasurable before this happens.

2) Clues for the actual murderer usually takes place 60% of the way through the show.

3) You really have to be alert at this stage of the show. While in the first part of the program the detectives will say, “My gosh, this man has got to be the murderer,” they will never say anything like that when the real clue comes up.

4) The real clue will usually be in the form of the dastardly perpetrator saying something bizarre, not true, or out of character. This clue will not be picked up by the detective until the 80%-to-90% of the show.

5) The murderer will not be a short woman. A tall woman can pass for a man if seen in a coat at night and from a large distance. This is why I married a short woman.

6) The murderer NEVER EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER leaves town. They just wait for the law to pick them up at the 90% mark of the show. Oh sure, they might, in rare cases, get tickets to fly away. But they are singularly incapable of getting to the airport. Most of the time, however, people who buy airline tickets are the ones who get killed. So travel by train.

7) Here’s a drinking game guaranteed to get your drunk. You have to drink something every time someone says, “But I didn’t kill him.” Unfortunately, this utterance doesn’t provide any clues to the identity of the killer. Sorry.

8) The murderer is usually a neat type. While the actual murder itself might be gory and chaotic, his home will be neat, be it ever so humble.

9) The murderer is often rich. This is argument for raising taxes on the wealthy.

10) If someone in the show has an ancestor that was wronged a long time ago, perhaps even centuries, then he is a likely murderer.

11) If someone remotely suspicious has her name changed, then she is the murderer. So let your bride to be, keep her last name. Don’t even ask her to change it.

Happy solving, you TV detective, you.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Household Hacks for the Omni Impaired

turniton

Things are not as easy as they might seem. Everything is difficult. We all have our moments. Here is a list of blindingly simple hacks to enrich our lives. Excelsior, friends, excelsior!

1) To get your clothes much cleaner in less time, hit the button marked START as soon as you load the machine. Not 30 minutes later.

2) Nor 3 hours later. Turn this on

3) Nor 8 hours later.                                                                                      Turn the machine on.

4) Coffee makers will not work unless you add water.

5) Coffee makers will make hot water if you forget the coffee.

6) Hard boiled eggs will explode once all the water has boiled off.

7) Take out your cell phone before swimming.

8) The oven needs to be turned on to bake.

9) Turning it on also works with the dish washer, clothes washer, and the dryer.

10) Avoid milkdew, remove your clothes from the washer when they’re done.

11) And when you rewash, don’t let it sit there for a second night.

12) Pushing down the levers on the toaster helps enormously.

13) If ya toss your fitbit in there with your clothes, you get a great head start on your steps, but again, only if you turn on the machine.

14) Turn on the timer when there’s a timed-step in cooking.

15) It helps if you check the water level, too, and change it to X large instead of the X small load you did yesterday..

16) Baking chocolate marshmallows and forgetting them. Mother was not best pleased with this early foray into the culinary world.

17) Do not try to fill the dogs’ water bowl and watch TV at the same time unless you plan to mop the floor too.

18) Letting the food in the pot cool down so you can put it in the fridge and forgetting it until the next day is a bad idea.

19) Notice if you’re frying eggs using high heat.

20) Don’t defrost meat in the microwave and forget about it.

21) Put the milk back in the fridge.

22) Don’t confuse tablespoons with teaspoons when cooking.

23) Put a bucket underneath when you drain the toilet tank.

24) Check to see if the plug fell out before calling the repair man.

There, now you can do everything. Life is wonderful again.

Handyman Paul

LutheranCookbook

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Palaw (Pilaf) From Turkmenistan

Turkmen Entree

PALAW
(pilaf )

INGREDIENTSPalaw-

2 pounds steak (rib eye, round, or chuck)
3 medium yellow onions
6 large carrots
¾ cup vegetable oil
4 cups basmati rice
6½ cups water
2 tablespoons salt

Makes 12 bowls

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Dutch oven
Food processor for thin slicing

PREPARATION

Cut steak into 1″ cubes. Dice onions. Cut carrots into thin slices 3″ long. (A food processor that does thin slicing is a big help.)

Add beef cubes and oil to Dutch oven. Sauté beef for 10 minutes on medium-high heat or until beef starts to brown. Add onion and carrot. Sauté for 10 minutes or until onion and carrot soften. Stir occasionally.

Add rice, water, and salt. Raise heat to high and bring to boil. Reduce heat to low, cover, and simmer for 30-to-40 minutes. Stir three times. Be careful when stirring, especially if the food is near the top of the Dutch oven.

TIDBITS

1) This dish, palaw, is the inspiration for the hit TV show, PA Law. In this series, Detectives Donna Goreng and Ed Dejaj investigate rice crimes in the greater Philadelphia area. It’s not easy work for the bold and dedicated duo. The crimes are perpetrated by the Jell-O,TM Mold Militants, JMM!

2) Prior to 1970, every homemade dish was a Jell-O mold. These concoctions were often quite strange and offputting, like the tuna, oyster, Rocky Mountain oyster, bacon, peanut butter, sautéed eggplant and other science-fiction-like molds that graced the dining room table in that era.

3) Naturally, these molds made Americans cranky, resulting in many riots during the 1960s. Then we discovered palaw from Turkmenistan, hamburgers, and ice cream. Things calmed down something considerable. Except for the JMM. They hate our culinary freedoms.

– Chef Paul

LutheranCookbook

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available in paperpack
or Kindle on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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