Posts Tagged With: Carl La Fong

Beware of Legjacking

A simulated legjacking

With the explosion in the numbers of people competing in long-distance races, runners are looking for any edge they  can get. For a while, runners took performance enhancing drugs, PEG. (Note, here PEG is an anacronym, not any woman named Peg.) Anyway some weeks ago, marathoner Carl La Fong up and grew a third leg overnight. He reduced his race time by 39 minutes.

As of press time, no marathon organizers have addressed the issue of a third leg. So many unscrupulous marathoners are looking for a third leg. As there aren’t many legal ways to acquire leg (Contrary to common belief, Costco(tm) doesn’t carry everything), runners are turning to violence.

Leg jacking. They’re procuring their fifth limb by legjacking, where the foul fiend knocks you down and pulls off your leg. Isn’t this painful?

Yes.

And you can kiss goodbye your own chances of winning a marathon.

What can you do to avoid legjacking?

Keep a healthy distance between yourself and all fit people with legs as long as yours.

It’s not always possible to do that because of crowds and stampeding herds of escaped elephants. So, I recommend carrying garlic cloves in your hands whenever  you go out. Simply pop the garlic cloves into your mouth and munch away whenever you see a likely leg thief. Your strong garlic breath will deter any legjacker. Besides, garlic repels vampires as well. And that’s good.

Be sure to join me for future health tips. Bye bye now, Stay healthy.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Advertisement
Categories: health, sports | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Char Kway Teow (Rice Noodle Stir Fry)

Malaysian Entree

CHAR KWAY TEOW
(Rice Noodle Stir Fry)

INGREDIENTS

¾ pound flat rice noodles
2 Chinese sausages
3 ounces fish cake (optional)
3 garlic cloves
1 cup garlic chives*
2 tablespoons dark soy sauce or soy sauce
2 tablespoons light soy sauce or soy sauce
½ tablespoon fish sauce
1 teaspoon oyster sauce or fish sauce
1 teaspoon sugar
¼ teaspoon white pepper
2 eggs
¼ cup vegetable oil
¾ pound shrimp, peeled and deveined
2 cups bean sprouts

* = Can be found in Asian supermarkets. Or substitute with garlic, chives, shallots, or combination.

SPECIAL UTENSIL

wok or Dutch oven.

Serves 6. 50 minutes.

PREPARATION

Soak dried noodles in warm water for 45 minutes. Drain. Cut Chinese sausage into ½” diagonal slices along their length. Cut fish cakes into ½” wide strips. Mince garlic cloves. Cut garlic chives in 2″ long pieces. Add dark soy sauce, light soy sauce, fish sauce, oyster sauce, sugar, and white pepper to medium mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Add eggs to small mixing bowl. Beat with whisk until well blended.

Add oil, Chinese sausage, fish-cake strips, garlic, garlic chives, shrimp. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until garlic softens. Stir frequently. Add noodles. Stir until well mixed. Add liquid from medium mixing bowl. Mix with wooden spoon until well blended.

Push sausage/fish strips/noodles to one side. Ladle egg from small mixing bowl to newly made space on wok. Scramble eggs. Let everything fry until egg nearly sets. Cook for 1 minute, stirring frequently. Add bean sprouts. Cook for 2 minutes. Stir frequently.

TIDBITS

1) String theory replaces the point-like particles of particle physics with one-dimensional objects called strings. Scientists could have thrown over the point-life particles for Hula Hoops(tm). But they didn’t. Culinary physicists have discovered why the mainstream physicists chose strings.

2) Look below for a rendering of string theory. The alluring spiffiness of this image hides its inspiration.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3) Let’s put a red and white bowl around the center of this picture.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4) Doesn’t that look a lot like Char Kway Teow? Let’s put it next to this recipe’s photo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5) Wow! Char Kway Teow clearly provided the inspiration for String Theory. Proof you cannot deny.

6) But unlike String Theory you can eat Char Kway Teow. Whenever travel takes you to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, be sure to dine at Carl La Fong’s House of String Theory. His Char Kway Teow tastes divine. Perhaps it will inspire you as well.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Carl La Fong, cuisine, history, international, science | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Khao Poon Soup From Laos

Laotian Soup

KHAO POON

INGREDIENTS

3 cups chicken broth
2 cups water
1¼ pounds chicken breasts*
1 large carrot
½” galangal root
¼ head red or Chinese cabbage
1 tablespoon fresh cilantro
½ tablespoon fresh mint
12 ounces rice vermicelli noodles
3 garlic cloves
1 tablespoon lemongrass paste**
1 red chile
2 tablespoons red curry paste**
1 shallot
½ tablespoon sesame or vegetable oil
1 14-ounce can coconut milk
2 tablespoons fish sauce
¼ pound bean sprouts
6 kaffir leaves
½ teaspoon salt

* = Can be made with ground pork or cooked fish fillet. If using these choices, add them to pot after you add the coconut milk.
** = Can be found in Asian supermarkets or online.

SPECIAL UTENSIL

food processor

Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 10 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add chicken to large pot. Add chicken broth and water. Bring to boil using high heat. Lower heat to medium. Simmer for 20 minutes or until chicken breasts can be pulled apart with 2 forks. Stir enough to prevent burning, Remove chicken breasts to large bowl. (Keep liquid in pot.) Shred chicken with forks.

Grate carrot and galangal root. Shred red cabbage. Dice cilantro and mint. Cook rice vermicelli noodles according to instructions on package. Drain, fluff, and set aside.

While rice vermicelli cooks, add garlic, lemongrass, red chile, red curry paste, and shallot to food processor. Grind until you get a uniform paste. Add vegetable oil to pan. Heat oil at medium-high heat. Oil is hot enough when a bit of uniform paste will start to dance. Add uniform paste to pan. Heat for 3 minutes or until it turns dark red. Stir constantly. Add coconut milk and fish sauce. Bring to boil. Add shredded chicken, bean sprouts, carrot, galangal root, kaffir leaves, red cabbage, salt, and uniform paste to pot. Simmer soup at low-medium heat for 10 minutes.

Add cooked rice vermicelli to serving bowls. Ladle soup over rice vermicelli. Garnish with cilantro and mint.

TIDBITS

1) The name of this dish sounds a lot like “Ka Boom.” This is not accident.

2) In 1352, Laos was divided and weak.

3) Neighboring countries took turns invading and annexing parts of Laos. Indeed, the rulers of Siam, and what is now Vietnam and Cambodia sometimes invaded simultaneously.

4) This created confusion on the battlefield. When Siamese, Vietnamese, and Laotian armies met, they didn’t know whom to fight. And no one likes a chaotic clash of arms.

5) So, Laos’ neighbors signed the Treaty of Bangkok. Each of the abutting lands was assigned four months each year for invasion.

6) This made life better for attacking countries.

7) Not so much for the the Laotians who still got overrun.

8) This, almost needless to say, depressed the Laotians who survived these vicious incursions.

9) Then, in 1353, Carl La Fong, a humble chef, invented the pressure cooker.

10) La Fong’s pressure cooker drastically reduced the time needed to prepare the thousands of Khao Poon servings he needed for his daily guests.

11) Unfortunately, Carl’s pressure cooker didn’t possess all the safety features of the invention’s modern version. Indeed, the darned thing proved quite prone to exploding an entire restaurant.

12) It was after he lost his fourth restaurant that the synapses finally fired in La Fong’s brain. “Why,” he said, “my exploding pressure cooker could annihilate entire armies. Khao poon! Or Ka boom, in English.”

13) In 1354, the plucky La Fong presented his device to King Fa Ngum. Ngum routed army after invading army with his pressure-cooker battalions.

14) Then in 1893, the French invaded Laos. Alas, the baguette eaters employed artillery which far out ranged the Laotian khao poons. The French soon won. Whereupon they settled down to eating Khao Poon every day. That and baguettes, they were French after all.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Indian Spicy Shrimp

Indian Entree

SPICY SHRIMP

INGREDIENTS

1 green chile
3 tablespoons fresh cilantro
1 onion
2 tomatoes
1 teaspoon fennel seeds
2 tablespoons peanut, sesame, or vegetable oil
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon cumin
½ teaspoon garam masala
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1 teaspoon minced ginger
½ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon turmeric
1 pound shrimp, peeled deveined

Serves 4. Takes 40 minutes.

PREPARATION

Seed and mince green chile. Dice cilantro, onion and tomatoes. Add fennel seed and peanut oil and onion to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add green chile, tomato, chili powder, cumin, garam masala, garlic, ginger, salt, and turmeric. Cover and reduce heat to low-medium. Simmer for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally.

Add shrimp. Keep covered and simmer at medium heat for 3 minutes or until shrimp turn pink. Garnish with cilantro. Goes well with naan, some other flatbread, or rice.

TIDBITS

1) Carl La Fong loved three things: algebra, geometry, and aquatic life. He hated people because so many of them despised geometry. Strike one. So many of them detested algebra. Strike Two. So many diners ate seafood. Strike three. People were out.

2) Then, La Fong won $823 million from the lottery. He decided to teach the oceans’ denizens algebra and geometry. So he set up La Fong’s Underwater Institute. The first year’s class began with shrimp. But there were plans to expand to include cod next year and after that who knew?

3) The shrimp liked algebra and loved how geometry could tell them how high that rock shelf in the distance would be without having to measure it. But the shrimp detested the endless geometric proofs. They became surly and boycotted classes in droves. The school collapsed for lack of students. La Fong grew bitter and made and ate Spicy Shrimp. “That’ll teach them,” said he.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Carl La Fong, cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Two Barriers Broken In the NFL

The kickers’ nightmare

Today, two barriers fell in the National Football League. For a scant ten minutes ago, Carl La Fong, press secretary for the hapless New York Giants, announced they had just signed LeChat to a three-year, $32.1 million contract.

When asked why the Giants spent so much on an unknown player, La Fong blurted out, “The Bears do the same thing with quarterbacks.”

Almost as an afterthought, La Fong said, “Ms. LeChat is also a kitten.”

It took minutes for the uproar to die down. Finally Amos Keeto of the Salem Sentinel said, “Why on Earth, would you sign a cat?”

LaFong shrugged. “We’re the Giants.”

“Where will the cat play?” asked Keeto.

“Kitten.”

“Excuse me, kitten. Where will the kitten play?”

“On defense, specifically on punts and field-goal attempts. That kitten has a leap and a stretch that you won’t believe. Oh, and LeChat is female. Her name’s Yvette LeChat.”

“About time,” muttered Juana Danz of Glass Ceiling Magazine.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Carl La Fong, sports | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Shiro (Spicy Ground Chickpea Stew)

Eritrean Entree

SHIRO
(Spicy Ground Chickpea Stew)

INGREDIENTS

1 jalapeno
5 garlic cloves
1 large onion
1 large tomato
⅓ cup vegetable oil
3 cups water
2 tablespoons Berbere spice*
¾ cup chickpea or garbanzo flour*
1 teaspoon salt

Serves 4. Takes 50 minutes.

* = Can be found in Middle Easter or African supermarkets or online.

PREPARATION

Seed jalapeno. Slice jalapeno into small circles. Mince garlic cloves and onion. Dice tomato. Cook onion at medium-high heat for 4 minutes or until it turns brown. Stir frequently. Add oil. Sauté for 2 minutes at medium heat. Stir frequently. Add garlic and tomato. Sauté at medium heat for 3 minutes. Stir frequently.

Add water. Bring to boil. Stir occasionally. Reduce heat to low. Add Berbere spice. Add chickpea flour, 1 tablespoon at a time. Stir with whisk after each tablespoon until lumps disappear. Simmer on low heat for 20 minutes or until stew reaches your desired level of thickness. Add jalapeno circles and salt. Stir until well blended.

TIDBITS

1) About 6,000 years ago, people everywhere grew terrified over solar eclipses. These eclipses meant that the moon god was eating the sun god. If the sun god got devoured, we’d have perpetual darkness. Crops wouldn’t grow in the perpetual gloom. It was all quite distressing.

2) 500 years later, Chief La Fong of the Rohohoe tribe was contemplating the infinite while eating Shiro in a bowl exactly like the one above. Amazing coincidence, isn’t it? Anyway, he noted that while he couldn’t see the bottom of the bowl, it was still there. Shiro had merely come between his eyes and the bottom of the bowl. La Fong then embarked on a campaign of conquest by invading during solar eclipses. He’d simply told the invaded tribe to surrender and he’d make the Moon give back the Sun. How do we know this? Culinary archeologists have decoded the Rohohoe alphabet, which was based on dried out doughnuts. We don’t have the doughnuts anymore. Someone dropped a safe on them. Ironically, the safe was meant to preserve the doughnuts. Oh well.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fantastic Pizza at Carl La Fong’s Italian Pizzeria

Quick, what are the most beloved foods in America?

Why, they’re pizzas, tacos, and hamburgers.

What’s the only thing wrong with pizzas, tacos, and hamburgers?

You can’t have them all in one entree. If only there were an authentic Italian Pizzeria that had taco and hamburger toppings. Not just some hamburger meat, taco meat, some onions, cheese, and Mexican spices. No! We all want, we all crave, a pizza topped with entire tacos and entire hamburgers. But where, oh where, is their such a culinary heaven?

This dining bliss is found at Carl La Fong’s Italian Pizzeria. Order the Mammoth Pepperoni Taco Hamburger pizza. After just one slice you will be the happiest you’ve ever been while dining. So go down the Carl La Fong’s Italian Pizzeria. You’ll never want to dine anywhere else ever again.

The 32″ Mammoth Pepperoni Taco Hamburger Pizza

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Carl La Fong, cuisine, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Shrimp Balls From Bahrain

Bahraini Appetizer

SHRIMP BALLS
(Chebeh Rubyan)

INGREDIENTS – SHRIMP PASTE

1⅔ pounds shrimp, peeled and deveined*
½ teaspoon turmeric powder
⅔ cup rice flour
½ teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons fresh cilantro

INGREDIENTS – FILLING

¼ cup ghee or butter (2 tablespoons more later)
1 medium onion (1 small one later)
1 tablespoon lemon zest
½ tablespoon baharat spice mix** (½ teaspoon more later)

INGREDIENTS – SAUCE

1 medium onion
4 tomatoes
¼ cup ghee or butter
½ teaspoon baharat spice mix
1 teaspoon chili powder
4 teaspoons tamarind paste***
5 teaspoons sugar
4 cups warm water

* = Save money and buy shrimp with a large count per pound. It will be ground into a paste.
** = Buy at Middle Eastern supermarkets or order online.
*** = Or use 3⅓ teaspoons tamarind concentrate. Or even soak 4″ of a tamarind in 2 cups warm water and use the resulting tamarind flavored water, or 4 teaspoons pomegranate molasses.

SPECIAL UTENSILS

food processor****
sonic obliterator****

**** = Do not confuse the two.

Serves 12. Takes 1 hour 40 minutes.

 

PREPARATION – SHRIMP PASTE

Add all shrimp-paste ingredients to food processor. Blend until you get paste. Refrigerate until needed.

PREPARATION – FILLING

Mince medium onion. Add ½ cup ghee and minced medium onion to 1st pot. Sauté onion at medium-heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add lemon zest and ½ tablespoon baharat spice mix. Stir until well blended Remove from heat.

PREPARATION – SAUCE

Mince small onion. Dice tomatoes. Add diced small onion and 2 tablespoons ghee to 2nd pot. Sauté onion at medium-heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add ½ teaspoon baharat spice mix, chili powder, sugar, tomato, and water. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 20 minutes. Stir occasionally.

PREPARATION – FINAL

While sauce simmers, use your hands to make a ball out of 1 tablespoon shrimp paste. Use a thumb to make a cave in the middle of the shrimp ball. Put ¾ teaspoon filling in cave. Close shrimp paste completely over filling. Repeat until all shrimp paste and filling is used.

Divide sauce equally into 2 pots. (You most likely won’t have enough room in just one pot for your shrimp balls.) Gently drop shrimp balls into the 2 pots with the simmering sauces. Cover and simmer for 25 minutes. Stir occasionally. Goes well with rice.

Use sonic obliterator on any guest giving you any guff at all. You spent too much time and money finding the ingredients, not to mention the time cooking this wonderful dish, to put up with that kind of negativity.

TIDBITS

1) It was really, really big day when a herd of shrimps pulled themselves out of a small lake and onto the shore. You can see them above in the photo for this recipe.

2) Some scientists believe that fish became the first amphibians. But culinary evolutionists pooh pooh the idea. “Where are the arms on fish? Where are their legs? Surely, shrimps were the first amphibians. Why shrimps have scads of legs.”

3) When pressed for a reason for shrimps to venture onto land at 11:30 a.m. on May 29, 3,600,000 BC, spokesman Carl La Fong, “Why, because it was there.”

4) Creatures and people would continue to investigate things simply because they were there. Then at 11:30 am on May 29, 1953 Hillary* and Norgay climbed Mt. Everest because it was there.

6) * = This Hillary was Edmund Hillary, not Hillary Clinton. She went into politics.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Udang Balado (Spicy Shrimp)

Indonesian Appetizer

UDANG BALADO
(Spicy Shrimp)

INGREDIENTS

3 birds’ eye, piri piri, or Thai chiles
2 garlic cloves
2 shallots
1 Roma tomato
1½ tablespoons vegetable oil
1¼ pounds shrimp (peeled, deveined, 30 count)
1½ tablespoons lime juice
¾ teaspoon palm sugar, coconut sugar, or sugar

SPECIAL UTENSIL

food processor or spice grinder

Serves 12 as an appetizer, 4 as an entree Takes 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add chiles, garlic cloves, shallots, and tomato to food processor. Process until you get a spicy paste. Add oil to large pan. Heat oil at medium heat until a little bit of the paste starts to dance in the oil. Add spice paste. Sauté at medium-high heat for 4 minutes or until paste becomes fragrant. Stir constantly. Add shrimp, lime juice, and sugar. Sauté for 4 minutes or until shrimps have just turned pink on both sides. Stir constantly. Goes well with rice and parsley.

TIDBITS

1) Carl La Fong, of Bittburg, Germany, invented the first true automobile. It had a few teething problems, though. So he quite often took the Fongmobile on test spins in town.

2) On August 14, 1884, a wheel fell off his car right by Germany’s only Indonesian restaurant. La Fong shook his fist. “The danged wheel keeps falling off.” The restaurateur, Otto Udang Balado, said, “I know duct tape fixes nearly everything, but maybe if you attached the wheel with lug nuts instead, the wheel might stay on. But ach, where are my manners? I’m discussing your problems when you must be famished. Come inside. Eat.”

3) Otto served Carl his signature dish, Udang Balado. Carl fell in love with it. Otto, however, saw in his entree how and where to put the lug nuts. Pleasant words went on and before they knew they had swapped businesses. Carl’s new restaurant became quite successful.

4) Alas, Otto Bolado’s new business, Otto Mobiles failed. He simply could not perfect his car before Karl Benz did. So, Herr Benz got all the credit. Now you know.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: