Posts Tagged With: human

Brined Turkey Breast.

Posted on November 21, 2022 by pauldelancey

American Entree

BRINED TURKEY BREAST

INGREDIENTS – BRINE

1 gallon ice-cold water
2 bay leaves
2 garlic cloves
1 teaspoon peppercorns
1 teaspoon allspice
½ teaspoon mustard
1 teaspoon rosemary
1½ cups coarse salt
½ cup light brown sugar
½ cup white sugar
½ teaspoon thyme
8 pounds thawed turkey breast (for love of God, Montressor, the turkey must be thawed)

INGREDIENTS – COOKING TURKEY

¼ cup butter
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
2-to-3 cups chicken broth

SPECIAL UTENSILS

really big pot, 8+ gallons, or turkey bag
spice grinder
large oven-safe pan or casserole dish
wire rack
meat thermometer

Serves 12. Takes 15-to-24 hours

PREPARATION – THAWING TURKEY

A large frozen item like a turkey requires at least a day (24 hours) to defrost in the refrigerator for every 5 pounds of weight.

If you are pressed for time, use this quicker defrosting method. Keep turkey in packaging and add it to a large pot. Cover turkey with ice-cold water. Let turkey sit in cold water for 30 minutes per pound. In this recipe, that would be 4 hours. Pour out water.

But the turkey must be thawed before cooking. Or there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

PREPARATION – BRINE

Crumble bay leaves. Mince garlic cloves. Grind peppercorns. Remove packaging from turkey and rinse in cold water. Add brine ingredients except turkey to pot. Stir until salt and sugar dissolve. Add turkey. Add ice-cold water as needed to cover turkey. Cover pot or close turkey bag and refrigerate for at least 12 hours but not more than 24.

PREPARATION – COOKING TURKEY

Remove turkey from brine and pat dry. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Put turkey in large pan. Melt butter. Brush melted butter onto turkey. Sprinkle pepper and salt onto turkey. Place wire rack in pan. Put turkey on rack. Put meat thermometer in thickest part of turkey. Bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes. Reduce heat to 325 degrees. Bake for 2-to-3 hours or until meat thermometer reads 165 degrees. Baste with ½ cup of chicken broth after every 30 minutes of baking at 325 degrees.

TIDBITS

1) Wild turkeys hide in trees at night. Just like human ninjas.

2) Wild turkeys can fly. That’s better than human ninjas.

3) All turkeys have periscopic vision. This means they can twist their heads around to see everything. Can human ninjas do that? I think not.

4) Female turkeys do not gobble. This stealthiness makes them the perfect silent warriors.

5) Our founding father, Benjamin Franklin, wanted to make the turkey our national bird. Why? Culinary historians suspect that turkey ninjas fought on the colonists’ side during the American Revolution.

6) How do they know this? The British soldier was far better trained than the American militiaman. The British king had many more soldiers under his autocratic command than did our fractious Continental Congress. King George’s army possessed thousands of cannon and could boast of the biggest and best navy in the world.

7) America could only have won if it had ninja turkeys swooping down, dealing quick, silent death out of the pitch-black night. Historians think American units coordinated ambushes by using bird calls. Culinary historians know better. These were turkey calls, made by fierce turkey warriors.

8) Britain finally countered with the King’s Bear Battalion in 1782. These bears could climb up any tree and were paid in honey. America’s ninja turkeys wouldn’t have stood a chance against the bears’ great strength and massive, sharp claws. Fortunately for America, Britain’s will to continue the war had already been shattered by the decisive battle of Yorktown during the previous year.

9) America disbanded its turkey ninjas in 1806. This is why it didn’t win the War of 1812.

10) America might be using turkey ninjas in covert operations. Who can say? Washington remains mute on the subject.

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Lebanese Chicken Kebabs

Posted on July 26, 2021 by pauldelancey

Lebanese Entree

CHICKEN KEBABS

INGREDIENTS

3 boneless chicken breasts
7 garlic cloves
1 green bell pepper
1 small onion
¼ cup lemon juice
6 tablespoon Greek or plain yogurt
3 tablespoons olive oil
¾ teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon ginger
1 teaspoon oregano
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon turmeric
½ teaspoon white pepper or pepper
2 tablespoons red vinegar or apple cider vinegar
¾ teaspoon tomato paste
6 pita loaves

SPECIAL UTENSILS

outdoor grill
6 skewers (If wooden, soak in water for 20 minutes.)

Serves 6. Takes 3 hours.

PREPARATION

Cut chicken into 1″ cubes. Crush garlic cloves. Seed and chop green bell pepper into 1″ squares. Chop onion into 1″ squares. Add all ingredients to large mixing bowl. Mix with hands until chicken cubes are well coated. Cover and let marinate in refrigerator for 2 hours.

Thread chicken cubes, bell pepper squares, and onion squares onto skewers. Turn heat on grill to medium. Add skewers to grill. Heat all sides for 3 minutes each. Place skewers in large pot and cover. Let rest for 10 minutes. (This step helps keep the chicken cubes moist.) Serve on skewers or if using pita loaves, remove all ingredients from skewers and place on pita loaves.

TIDBITS

1) Lebanese chickens do extraordinary things. Amal Rooster designed the tunnel connecting Britain with France. Zaina Hen organized the first mobile, military hospital. Haasim adapted golf clubs for use with chickens. Barbara Chicken or “Babs” played keno. She was so brilliant at it, that she bankrupted the casino at Monte Carlo.. A Lebanese chef created this dish, Chicken Kebab, in honor of her. However, human beings being a foul lot, they always steal the credit from the worthy chickens.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Today’s Zombie Carrot Apocalypse

Posted on May 27, 2021 by pauldelancey

In a startling turn of events, our carrots have turned into zombies. Now, zombie apocalypses normally give us cause to pause and reflect. What makes this zombification especially interesting is that it is happening with carrots. This is unprecedented.

But wait, there’s more. These zombified carrots have the power to walk. How will we be able to make carrot salad if all our carrots up and walk away? That would be a darned nuisance, really.

What makes the carrots’ newfound ambulatory power truly troubling, is that they have become carnivorous. We are meat. This development presents vegetarians and vegans with a poser. Are flesh-eating carrots still vegetables or have they now become meat? The Grand Vegetarian Council is even now meeting in Basel, Switzerland to discuss this matter.

This is one other item. They might be able to eat us into extinction as more and more carnivorous carrots pop out of gardens every hour.

We must not let this happen! We must start eating all the carrots we possibly can. Of course, make the tastiest carrot dishes you can. A possible end of human life on Earth is no excuse to forgo eat eating well. Buy cookbooks. Make those carrot dishes.

Paul De Lancey, on the front lines

* LATE BREAKING NEWS *

I have just learned that the bunnies just formed an alliance with us and will attack the zombified, carnivorous carrots whenever they see them. Brave, brave bunnies, I tip my hat to you.

 

Paul De Lancey, concerned citizen and Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

 

 

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Vanilla Bean Ice Cream

Posted on March 5, 2019 by pauldelancey

American Dessert

VANILLA BEAN ICE CREAM

INGREDIENTS

1 vanilla bean
2 cups heavy cream
1 cup sugar
1⅓ cups warm whole milk
4 large egg yolks

SPECIAL UTENSIL

ice cream maker or churn

Serves 4. Takes 9 hours or more.

PREPARATION

Cut the vanilla bean in half lengthwise. Scrape out seeds with a small knife. Keep the pod. Add vanilla-bean seeds, vanilla-bean pod, heavy cream, sugar, and whole milk into pot. Simmer mixture at low heat until it is scalding (about 175 degrees). Stir gently and constantly. Remove from heat.

Add egg yolks to large mixing bowl and beat lightly with whisk. Add hot cream/milk mixture slowly to egg yolks while whisking gently. Add hot cream/milk/yolk mixture to pot. Heat mixture at low-medium heat until it thickens and leaves a trail on spoon.

Put pot in large mixing bowl. Add ice cubes to mixing bowl. Remove vanilla-bean pod. Cover and chill until in refrigerator. Churn hours later and then freeze according to instructions from ice cream maker. Serve to adoring quests.

TIDBITS

1) Eegah Olduvai, son of Ugg Olduvai, grandson of Ogg Olduvai, great grandson of Lucy, the first human, glanced up at the blazing Sun. He sweated so in the intense heat. So did the whole Oldivai tribe. Their sweat ran down their legs to the baked earth, merging into one rivulet. Nothing big mind you, a scant inch in width, but enough to give birth to the Nile River. In time, the Nile would expand until Egypt itself would be called the Gift of the Nile.

2) Meanwhile, Eegah craved something tasty, something to cool himself down, but what? His wife, her name sadly lost to history, suggested an refreshing ice cream. But there was no ice in Oldivai Gorge. There were no dairy cows. So they would search for ingredients. Perhaps they’d find them the next gorge, the next valley. If not there, they would trek forever until they found ice and heavy whipping cream. Thus began the human race’s great migration to all the continents of the world.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Fish Sticks

Posted on April 23, 2016 by pauldelancey

American Entree

FISH STICKS

INGREDIENTSFishSticks-

1 pound cod or pollock
2 eggs
½ teaspoon grated lemon rind
¼ teaspoon salt
1⅓ cups panko (Japanese bread crumbs)
no-stick spray

SPECIAL UTENSIL

baking sheet

Makes 24 fish sticks. Takes 30 minutes.                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Fish sticks imitating a doughnut

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Put cod and ice water in bowl. Put bowl in refrigerator until oven is ready.

Drain water from bowl. Pat fish dry with towel. Cut cod into sticks 3″ long and 1″ wide. Add egg to mixing bowl. Beat eggs with whisk until well blended. Add lemon rind and salt to mixing bowl. Whisk again. Immerse fish sticks in egg/lemon rind mix until well coated. Add panko to second mixing bowl. Dredge coated fish sticks through panko.

Spray baking sheet with no-stick spray. Arrange fish sticks evenly on baking sheet. Bake at 450 degrees for about 12-to-15 minutes or until fish sticks obtain the desired level of crispiness.

TIDBITS

1) Oral tradition has Lucy, the world’s first human asking her husband, Oldivai George for a doughnut. George didn’t understand this craving; he didn’t have the doughnut-needing gene, the one mutation that would make him fully human.

3) But he was a devoted husband. He searched near and far, in this universe and in the parallel one where socks missing from our dryers would eventually end up. After many moons, he admitted defeat and came home with a wooly mammoth.

4) Lucy put her hands on her hips and glared. “A mammoth is not a doughnut. It is not even a nut.” “What is dough?” asked George. Lucy didn’t know. Agriculture hadn’t been invented. Neither had culinary schools. The couple went doughnutless. So did their offspring for thousands of generations. In 885 Bjorn Fisk of Norway invented the lutefisk doughnut. It was not a great success for Bjorn; he was burned alive. Then in the mid 18th-century, Elizabeth Gregory, perfected the flour doughnut. Doughnut makers have led long lives ever since.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Brined Turkey Breast

Posted on December 8, 2014 by pauldelancey

American Entree

BRINED TURKEY BREAST

INGREDIENTS -BRINEBrinedTurkey-

1 gallon ice-cold water
2 bay leaves
2 garlic cloves
1 teaspoon peppercorns
1 teaspoon allspice
½ teaspoon mustard
1 teaspoon rosemary
1½ cups coarse salt
½ cup light brown sugar
½ cup white sugar
½ teaspoon thyme
8 pound thawed turkey breast (For love of God, Montressor, the turkey must be thawed)

INGREDIENTS – COOKING TURKEY

4 tablespoons butter
2 cups chicken broth
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt

SPECIAL UTENSILS

really big pot 8+ gallons or turkey bag
spice grinder
large oven-safe pan or casserole dish
wire rack.
meat thermometer

Serves 12
Takes 15-to-24 hours

PREPARATION – THAWING TURKEY

If not already done, thaw turkey breast. Keep turkey in packaging and add it to a large pot. Cover turkey with cold water. Let turkey sit in cold water for 30 minutes per pound. In this recipe, that would be 4 hours. Pour out water.

PREPARATION – BRINE

Crumble bay leaves. Mince garlic cloves. Grind peppercorns. Remove packaging from turkey and rinse in cold water. Add 1 gallon ice-cold water and all brine ingredients except turkey to pot. Stir until salt and sugar dissolves. Add turkey. Add ice-cold water as needed to cover turkey, Cover pot or close turkey bag and refrigerate for at least 12 hours but not more than 24

PREPARATION – COOKING TURKEY

Remove turkey from brine and pat dry. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Put turkey in large pan Melt butter. Brush melted butter onto turkey. Sprinkle pepper and salt onto turkey. Place wire rack in pan. Put turkey on rack. Put meat thermometer in thickest part of turkey. Bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes. Reduce heat to 325 degrees. Bake for 2-to-3 hours or until meat thermometer reads 165 degrees. Baste with ½ cup of chicken broth after every 30 minutes of baking at 325 degrees.

TIDBITS

1) Wild turkeys hide in trees at night. Just like human ninjas.

2) Wild turkeys can fly. That’s better than human ninjas.

3) All turkeys have periscopic vision. This means they can twist their heads around to see everything.
Can human ninjas do that? I think not.

4) Female turkeys do not gobble. This stealthiness makes them the perfect silent warriors.

5) Our founding father, Benjamin Franklin, wanted to make the turkey our national bird.

6) Why? Culinary historians suspect that turkey ninjas fought on the colonists’ side during the American Revolution.

7) How do they know this? The British soldiers were far better trained than the American militia. The British king had many more soldiers under his autocratic command than did our fractious Continental Congress. King George’s army possessed a lot more cannon and could boast of the biggest and best navy in the world.

8) America could only have won if it had ninja turkeys swooping down, dealing quick, silent death out of the pitch-black night. Historians think American units coordinated ambushes by using bird calls. Culinary historians know better. These were turkey calls, made by fierce turkey warriors.

9) Britain finally countered with the King’s Bear Battalion in 1782. These bears could climb up any tree and were paid in honey. America’s ninja turkeys wouldn’t have stood a chance against the bears’ great strength and massive, sharp claws.

10) Fortunately for America, Britain’s will to continue the war had already been shattered by the decisive battle of Yorktown during the previous year.

11) America disbanded its turkey ninjas in 1806. This is why it didn’t win the War of 1812.

12) America might be using turkey ninjas in covert operations. Why can say? Washington remains mute on the subject.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Banana Peanut-Butter Honey Milkshake

Posted on June 13, 2013 by pauldelancey

American Dessert

BANANA PEANUT-BUTTER HONEY MILKSHAKE

INGREDIENTSBaPeBuMilk-

3 bananas (best when ripe)
2 1/2 cups milk
1/2 cup smooth peanut butter
1/2 tablespoon honey

SPECIAL UTENSIL

blender

PREPARATION

Peel the bananas. Put bananas, milk,  peanut butter, and honey in blender. Use “milkshake” setting. Blend until shake is sufficiently smooth for your taste.

This tasty milkshake is a diet buster.

TIDBITS

1) Bees must visit two-million flowers to make one pound of honey. The average worker bee makes 1/12 teaspoon in her lifetime. Bees need to unionize for better working conditions.

2) A 15,000-year-old cave painting shows a human stealing honey from a hive. Oh sure, the little bee visits fifty-five millions flowers in her lifetime and then it’s gone. Honestly, it’s enough to make a grown bee cry.

3) Can bees cry?

4) Honey bees do have five eyes.

5) This makes their going to the optometrist a major event, especially as their command of even the simplest human languages is rather limited.

6) This linguistic deficiency often leads to tragedy. The optometrist doesn’t understand the bee’s buzzing. The bee interprets this incomprehension as an aggressive act.

7) The enraged bee stings the optometrist. The optometrist’s face swells up. The optometrist goes to the hospital. The bee dies.

8) No specialized glasses get sold. News of this leaks to Wall Street. The stock market plunges. Economies collapse. Money becomes worthless. And have you stocked up on toilet paper?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Bacon & Chocolate Party’s Plan For The Zombie Apocalypse

Posted on September 9, 2012 by pauldelancey
  • Plan A: Throw gummi brains at the zombies. (We have a huge stockpile. Our vast army of flying squirrels will distribute the gummi brains at the first signs of a zombie outbreak.
    Plan B:  Encourage the zombies to go to countries or regions where people eat brains.
  • No one has ever said zombies have to eat human brains. Sure, zombies prefer human brains. I mean, it takes the same time to break open a skull and scoop out the insides no matter how big the animal or person. So, it would take a lot of time to eat a lot of rat brains for example. But there are lots of countries and regions where brains of many, many animals are sold at street restaurants. Just watch Anthony Bourdain’s “No Reservations'” on the Travel Channel. And what zombie could resist spiced, freshly kebabed brains? I know this is a bit gruesome, but fighting zombies isn’t for squeamish. Rest assured, the Bacon & Chocolate Party, and only the Bacon & Chocolate Party, has your back on this one.

    – Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

    My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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