Too many visitors to Boston forget to do the following, essential things.
1. Breathe.
2. Eat.
3. Drink.
4. Sleep.
5. See the U.S.S. Constitution, “Old Ironsides.” It’s a famous wooden ship from the War of 1812.
– Paul R. De Lancey, travel adviser
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Italian Entree
INGREDIENTS
2 cups all-purpose flour
¼ cup beer
½ cup water
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
½ teaspoon sugar
½ teaspoon salt
1¾ teaspoons active dry yeast
no-stick spray
SPECIAL UTENSILS
bread maker
16″ pizza pan
Takes 1 hour 20 minutes.
PREPARATION
Add flour, beer, water, oil, sugar, salt, and yeast to the bread maker. Do not put the yeast directly on top of the salt. Salt is bad for yeast and yeast makes the dough rise. “Ask not what your yeast can do for you. Ask what you can do for your yeast.” Set the timer or the menu on the bread maker to “Dough.” Wait for the required time, about an hour. In the meantime preheat the oven to 400 degrees and liberally spray the pizza pan with no-stick spray. This will prevent the crust from forming a glue-like bond with the pan.
Take the dough out of the bread maker and roll it out until the dough covers the pizza pan. If you do not have a rolling pin, any canned food can will do as long as it is at least six inches tall. It is best to use no-stick spray on pan or coat it with a thin layer of flour before spreading the dough.
TIDBITS
1) Ancient Egyptians invented the pizza crust to honor their sun god They made the crust round and flat because the Sun looked, and still looks, to be flat and round. Whenever the Egyptians drew a map of the world, they did so on a crust. They then covered it with: grapes, fish, and asps (venom removed) and ate the whole thing. Hence, the famous saying, “I could eat the world for lunch.”
2) Folks over the centuries drew so many pizza-crust maps that people came to believe the Earth had to be flat. Then in 1488, Christopher Columbus’ mom made a pizza topped with great big, round meatballs. He thought, “Hey, I think the world is round, just like these meatballs.” Four years, came Columbus’ great voyage of discovery. The world be changed forever.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Turkmen Entree
PALAW
(pilaf )
INGREDIENTS
2 pounds steak (rib eye, round, or chuck)
3 medium yellow onions
6 large carrots
¾ cup vegetable oil
4 cups basmati rice
6½ cups water
2 tablespoons salt
Makes 12 bowls
SPECIAL UTENSIL
Dutch oven
Food processor for thin slicing
PREPARATION
Cut steak into 1″ cubes. Dice onions. Cut carrots into thin slices 3″ long. (A food processor that does thin slicing is a big help.)
Add beef cubes and oil to Dutch oven. Sauté beef for 10 minutes on medium-high heat or until beef starts to brown. Add onion and carrot. Sauté for 10 minutes or until onion and carrot soften. Stir occasionally.
Add rice, water, and salt. Raise heat to high and bring to boil. Reduce heat to low, cover, and simmer for 30-to-40 minutes. Stir three times. Be careful when stirring, especially if the food is near the top of the Dutch oven.
TIDBITS
1) This dish, palaw, is the inspiration for the hit TV show, PA Law. In this series, Detectives Donna Goreng and Ed Dejaj investigate rice crimes in the greater Philadelphia area. It’s not easy work for the bold and dedicated duo. The crimes are perpetrated by the Jell-O,TM Mold Militants, JMM!
2) Prior to 1970, every homemade dish was a Jell-O mold. These concoctions were often quite strange and offputting, like the tuna, oyster, Rocky Mountain oyster, bacon, peanut butter, sautéed eggplant and other science-fiction-like molds that graced the dining room table in that era.
3) Naturally, these molds made Americans cranky, resulting in many riots during the 1960s. Then we discovered palaw from Turkmenistan, hamburgers, and ice cream. Things calmed down something considerable. Except for the JMM. They hate our culinary freedoms.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
It’s an awesome responsibility with millions of people looking to me for guidance on what no to do today, so I approached today’s list with great thought. So, here are the things I won’t be doing.
1) I will not take my paints and easel to the DMV to paint still-life scenes.
2) I will not move to Antarctica. It’s winter down there.
3) I will not get into any political discussion with a mime. That sort of thing always gets out of hand.
4) I will not check cans at the supermarket for “high fructose corn syrup.” I need a break. I’ll stay away from food buying today.
5) Oh gosh, see what 4) can do. I’m craving a TwinkieTM.
6) I will not repost anything that says, “Repost this.”
7) I will not buy a Twinkie.
9) I will not ask chickens, “Why did you cross the road?”
10) I will put aside my work on a Mobius-strip roller coaster.
11) I will not try to make sense of Middle-Eastern politics.
12) I will not read any of the on-line agreements that I must check before buying anything.
13 I will not buy a Twinkie.
– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doer
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
If you’re like me, the thought of three-mile-wide comet striking the Earth terrifies you. I mean the last time we got hit by one, woowee, things were bad! We’re talking mass extinction with exclamation points everywhere!!!! And if you’re thinking I’m making all this up, go ask a dinosaur how things went down. Couldn’t find a dinosaur, could you? See? I was right.
Oh sure, there are some good things that would come with the obliteration of humanity. Some that occur to me: are eating English toffee ice cream and not caring a bit about the calories, no waiting in line at the DMV, no more filing of estimated taxes, never ever hearing again the theme song to Barney the Dinosaur, no more election ads, AND no more spring cleaning.
But no matter how much you try to put a happy face on this, mass extinctions are a bummer. You’ll miss things like: hot-and-heavy sex, breathing, shredded beef tacos in a crispy shell, root beer, and crossword puzzles*
So overall, I think it’s best if we deal with the incoming comets that everyone talks about. Here is my plan. It is devastating in its utter simplicity.
Have the comets bounce back into space off a three-mile wide trampoline. Tada! The world is saved.
Of course, we’ll need helicopters to fly the trampoline to wherever it will be needed, but that should be easy to arrange. And in the meantime, it’ll be a fantastic release for millions of energetic kids the world over who love to bounce, bounce, bounce. Face it, most people start wars because they’ve spent too much time with shrieking, whining, bored kids and just plain flipped out.
So, there you go, I’m saving the world at least two times. You’re welcome. I expect to Nobel Prize any moment now.
* = If you can find someone who lets you do crossword puzzles during hot and heavy sex, propose marriage immediately.
– Paul R. De Lancey, Ph.D. and future Nobel Prize winner
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
This blog is directly inspired by the talented and hilarious Kathy Minicozzi who was in turn inspired by the renowned humorist David Sedaris.
Here are the things I resolve not to do today. Takes a deep breath. Lets it out. Okay Paul, you cannot do this.
1) I will not cook or eat lutefisk.
2) I will not foment revolution anywhere.
3) I will not lose a sock in the dryer.
4) Because I will not do clothes today.
5) I will not engage in the illicit fruitcake market.
6) I will not voluntarily upgrade any of my electronic devices.
7) I will not race to the be the first to reach the South Pole. I’ve already lost. It happened about a century ago. Why try?
8) I will not attack the weeds in my backyard with my weed whacker for another day. The tenuous truce still holds.
9) I will not sing at any karaoke bar. The whole world rejoices.
10) I will not befriend North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un on Facebook.
11) I will not say, “I love you,” to my printer.
– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doer
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Was it a sign of the end of the world? Should we stocking up on mini-tacos? All I know for sure is that in my town of Poway, cultural an and capital of San Diego County, the ant population plunged last week. Specifically, they died in my refrigerator, in my freezer.
Why did they do that? Was it a long-postponed attempt to lay a guilt trip on me for that childhood ant farm where they all died? Honestly, I didn’t mean it. Perhaps I filled my farm with soldier ants from differing colonies. I’ll just have to live with the horrible uncertainty for the rest of my life.
Why did they commit suicide where they did? For a full day they streamed into the freezer section to meet their icy deaths. Who among us can really feel an ant’s angst” Were they exo-skeletal weary of the daily, relentless onslaught of spiders, lizards, Rustler’s Round UpTM ant traps, and the terrifying stomping action of the human’s foot? Did they finally say, “Enough, cruel word!” The Ant’s Graveyard
Or was Norway stirring things up again? After all, this country brought us Viking raids and lutefisk, the worst-tasting, smelliest, glueist food the world has even seen. Perhaps Norway’s dysfunctional lemmings infected Poway’s ants with their morose attitudes? Before the days of cable TV, I doubt may Powegian ants ever heard of suicidal lemmings. Now, look what happens.
Mass extinctions of species by suicide. It might be the end of the world. Bummer. Or maybe, I’ve just invented a better ant trap.
– Paul De Lancey, Mighty Hunter
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
All Poway, California is buzzing with excitement. In just three month’s the town’s new in its tiara, the $188.2 million CowboyMetrics Museum will open. No one is prouder than museum curator, “Tex” Roland.
“I’m just fit to bust,” said the beaming Tex. “For decades now, folks just plain associated cowpokes with roping, herding, and advanced statistical skills.” Tex stops to spit expertly on a fire ant. “That ain’t true no more. We have our sensitive, avant-garde side, too.”
Indeed. Yesterday, Tex, the famed rodeo king and speedy inverter of matrices, favored me with a private tour of his cutting edge museum. We started with “Grub,” the museum’s restaurant and homage to cattle drive food. The eatery’s jumbo Gulf shrimp cocktails and sumptuous Swedish meatball bar, presided over by internationally acclaimed chef Pierre “Windy” LeBouef are to die for. When questioned, Tex assured me that cattle-drive food was much more international and gourmet than portrayed in Western movies and dime novels.
On to the museum’s breath-taking canvasses. I gazed intently at two giant green squares, one atop the other, on a bold in-your-face white canvas.
“Tex, that looks like a double-green square from CandylandTM, you know that game we played as kids.”
“Sure is,” said the worthy curator. “Candyland is plum near the alpha and omega of modern art. Milton BradleyTM might have made that game to entertain the youngin’s of this great land, but they also said the final word in modern art. There ain’t been no more artists of any note since Candyland came on the scene.”
“What about Jackson Pollock?” I said.
“Pre Candyland,” said Tex.
You know, he was right. I walked subdued down the long hallways overhung with massive Bohemian chandeliers, on floors made with the finest Tuscan marble. On the walls, hung huge paintings of all the Candyland playing cards done up in fine style on vibrant white canvases from “Bronco” Henri of Paris. I saw red squares, blue ones, double greens, and there, there, in a room all by itself, Queen Frostine on a forty-five foot canvas.
Humanity has truly reached the pinnacle of artistic brilliance, but I don’t know whether to swell with pride or cry.
– Paul De Lancey, art critic
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Shakshuka, a weapon for peace.
Things remain chronically unstable and unpleasant in the Middle East. The Arab nations and Israel just haven’t gotten along as well as one might have hoped. Indeed one cannot look at the following incidents: 1948, the war for statehood, the war in 1967, the war in 1973, more than one intifada, the bombing of Iraqi nuclear facilities, the suspicion of what does facilities were meant to do, the suspicion that Iran’s nuclear program is designed for use against Israel, hundreds and hundreds of rockets fired against Israeli population centers, Israeli incursions in Gaza to fight Hamas, suicide bombers, and more without concluding that ill feelings have persisted over the years.
Meanwhile El Salvador has had its own problems, a really nasty civil war comes to mind. Also, while most people can find Israel on a map, hardly anyone knows the location of El Salvador.
But there is a solution. According the CIA World Factbook, the population of Israel in 2008 was 7,112,000 while the inhabitants in El Salvador numbered 7,066,000. Darn close. The size of Israel is 20,770 square kilometers, while the land area of El Salvador is 21,040. Darn close again.
Why not have Israel and El Salvador switch places? It would be a new beginning for both peoples. We could have a one-to-one swap of homes. What could be simpler? The Israelis would lose hostile neighbors and gain instant access to some of the best coffee in the world. The El Salvadoreans would be surrounded with ample supplies of the best shaksuka and hummus in the world. Who doesn’t doesn’t like good, tasty shakshuka and hummus? Nobody.
So there you go. Peace in our time. And you would be able to find the new El Salvador on a map.
– Paul the peace maker
Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com,
or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com
About an hour from the Pacific Ocean and in a canyon in the southeast corner of San Diego County there is a sign proclaiming, “Canyon Yacht and Gun Club.” This club intrigues me tremendously. How much yachting can you do in a waterless canyon? Do they use their guns while yachting? On dry land? If somehow they manage a yacht race, does the winner need to be extra gracious to the losers?
More strange clubs as I find them.
– Paul the Wonderer
Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com,
or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com
Paul De Lancey's Blog 