Posts Tagged With: vampire

Beware of Legjacking

A simulated legjacking

With the explosion in the numbers of people competing in long-distance races, runners are looking for any edge they  can get. For a while, runners took performance enhancing drugs, PEG. (Note, here PEG is an anacronym, not any woman named Peg.) Anyway some weeks ago, marathoner Carl La Fong up and grew a third leg overnight. He reduced his race time by 39 minutes.

As of press time, no marathon organizers have addressed the issue of a third leg. So many unscrupulous marathoners are looking for a third leg. As there aren’t many legal ways to acquire leg (Contrary to common belief, Costco(tm) doesn’t carry everything), runners are turning to violence.

Leg jacking. They’re procuring their fifth limb by legjacking, where the foul fiend knocks you down and pulls off your leg. Isn’t this painful?

Yes.

And you can kiss goodbye your own chances of winning a marathon.

What can you do to avoid legjacking?

Keep a healthy distance between yourself and all fit people with legs as long as yours.

It’s not always possible to do that because of crowds and stampeding herds of escaped elephants. So, I recommend carrying garlic cloves in your hands whenever  you go out. Simply pop the garlic cloves into your mouth and munch away whenever you see a likely leg thief. Your strong garlic breath will deter any legjacker. Besides, garlic repels vampires as well. And that’s good.

Be sure to join me for future health tips. Bye bye now, Stay healthy.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Potato Waffle with Hot Dog, Wars, and Manners

Norwegian Entree

POTATO WAFFLE WITH HOT DOG
(potetvafler met pølse)

INGREDIENTSPotatoWaffles-

5 russet potatoes or 2 pounds brown potatoes
4 tablespoons butter
12 hot dogs or hot-dog shaped sausages
4 eggs
3 cups milk
2 ½ cups flour
½ tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon sugar
no-stick spray

makes 12 potato waffles with hot dog

SPECIAL UTENSIL

waffle maker

PREPARATION

Peel potatoes. Cut each potato into eight pieces. Put potato pieces into large pot. Add enough water to cover potato bits. Bring water to boil on high heat. Reduce heat to low and simmer for about 20 minutes or until potato is tender. Drain potato bits. Add butter to pot with potato pieces. Mash potatoes with potato masher.

While potato bits simmer, add hot dogs to pot with enough water to cover them. Boil on high heat for 5 minutes. Turn off heat.

Also while potato bits are simmering, add eggs and milk to mixing bowl. Mix with whisk until well blended. Add flour and baking powder to pot. Mix with whisk. Add egg/milk mixture, salt and sugar to pot. Mix with whisk until smooth.

Spray waffle maker with no-stick spray. Fry waffles according to instructions with waffle maker or until waffles are golden brown. Remove waffle. Wrap waffle around hot dog. Smaker godt (Tastes great.)

TIDBITS

1) An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

2) Garlic keeps vampires away.

3) Garlic infused apples would keep vampires doctors away.

4) There are no vampire doctors in Norway.

5) Thus, the Norwegians may eat whatever food they want and still feel safe.

6) Waffles are great comfort food. So are hot dogs.

7) Eating a waffle-wrapped hot dog will make you quite happy. Ecstatic even. Best not to overdo it. All things in moderation.

8) Potatoes, not pancakes as was once believed, enabled the Prussian kingdom survive the Seven Years War, 1756 – 1763. Invading armies destroyed the crops that grew above ground, such as wheat, but couldn’t find the potatoes lurking underground. The Prussian peasants simply waited for the marauders to leave, dug up the potatoes, ate them, and survived.

9) However, you cannot hide waffles or even hot dogs in the ground for any length of time and expect to find them edible. Which is why peasants never planted waffles.

10)) The Seven Years War of tidbit 8) fame really did take seven years.

11) However, the Hundred Years War, which ran from 1337-1453, took 116 years.

12) Similarly, Panama hats do not come from Panama.

13) They come from Ecuador.

14) Ecuador is not that far from Chile.

15) In Chile. It is impolite to eat using your hands.

16) So if you are carrying a potato in your Panama hat, because you never know when a ruffian soldier frisks you for a loaf of rye bread, be sure to eat it with a fork.

17) It might be hard to eat a raw potato with a fork. Eating mashed potatoes would be easier.

18) However, your Chilean friends will think that coming to their houses with mashed potatoes on your head is also impolite. And they will tell you so.

19) However, your Chilean hosts might forebear from social criticism if you are a vampire doctor.

20) It’s all so confusing. It’s why we have etiquette experts.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Skillet Sirloin

American Entree

SKILLET SIRLOIN

INGREDIENTS

2 pounds boneless top sirloin steaks
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons peanut oil

BROTH MIX

1 medium yellow onion
4 garlic cloves
1 ripe tomato
1/2 cup beef broth
2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1/2 teaspoon thyme
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon coriander
1/2 teaspoon parsley

UTENSIL

electric skillet

PREPARATION

Cut steaks into 8 pieces. (I’m not dogmatic about this number. You must cook to please yourself and your guests. Of course, if you manage to cut 6 3/4 pieces, mathematicians everywhere will want to know how you cut 3/4 of a piece.)

Peel and dice onion and garlic cloves. Peel tomato. (You might find it faster to peel if you boil the tomato for 30 seconds first.) Chop tomato into little bits. Add beef broth, Dijon mustard, Worcestershire sauce, thyme, pepper, coriander, and parsley into mixing bowl. Stir with knife until thoroughly mixed. This is the broth mix.

Set temperature on skillet to 325 degrees. Add olive oil, peanut oil, and sirloin steak to skillet.

Cook for 4 minutes. Turn steak pieces over while stirring the juice. Cook for 2 minutes more. Add broth mix. Cook for 3 minutes. The steak should turn out medium to medium well. Consider checking one of the pieces a few minutes earlier, especially if you prefer rarer steak, as it’s impossible to reverse the cooking process for beef. (Unless, of course, you have a time machine, and go back to where your steak reached its desired doneness. May I suggest, though, if you do have a time machine that you play the stock market or go to the horse races?)

Put steak on plates and evenly ladle the spicy juice over all the pieces.

TIDBITS

1) This tidbit didn’t survive editing.

2) Legend has it that villagers in Transylvania could kill a vampire with a stake through the heart.

3) And tales of the Old West relate many a blood sucking at midnight by flying vampire cows.

3) This is why cowpokes pounded nails into their steaks.

4) This is also the reason drovers put silver bullets in their six shooters.

5) Maybe these stories are tall tales, but maybe brave trailblazers rid the western lands of these blood-sucking bovines.

6) Whatever the reason, there have been no “vampire cow” sightings in San Diego in the last century, for which I am grateful.

7) But just in case, this recipe has 4 cloves of garlic in it.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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