Posts Tagged With: crocodiles

Comfort Rocks Banned on Airlines

Banned Comfort Companions

It was bound to happen. Today, all the major airlines banned the use of rocks as comfort companions.

“It was getting out of hand,” said Carl LaFong, CEO of Duluth Airlines. “First it was comfort dogs, then comfort cats–boy did they hide everywhere. Then it was comfort mice–boy oh boy, didn’t they cause a lot of shrieking. Then it was a comfort rhino. It caused an incident the very first time onboard. We had to ban them all.”

“Then about a month ago, Farine du Ble, traveling from Duluth to Paris, brought a painted rock onboard. She held it in her hand, turning it over and over. The passenger in the middle, Amos Keeto, said a rock companion was stupid. Ms. du Ble took offense and hit Mr. Keeto in the head with it. We had make an emergency landing in Gary, Indiana of all places. Comfort rocks are now banned.”

Indeed the Airline Safety Council took preemptive action and banned the following pets from comfort companionship:

ants
bats
bees
crocodiles (they mess the passenger count)
giraffes (not even if you can put them in the overhead bins)
lutefisk (not even a creature, still don’t try it)
snails

Additional pets may be added as needed.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., travel guru

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: travel | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Madagascan Coconut Milk Chicken

Madagascan Entree

COCONUT MILK CHICKEN

INGREDIENTSCoconutMilkChicken-

4 chicken breasts
4 tablespoons lemon juice
1 tablespoon lemon zest
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt

2 medium onions
2 Roma or small tomatoes
4 garlic cloves
2 tablespoons coconut oil or butter
½ tablespoon ginger
13½ ounce-can coconut milk
3 cups cooked rice

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Dutch oven

PREPARATION

Cut chicken breasts into 1″ cubes. Add chicken, lemon juice, lemon zest, cayenne pepper, pepper, and salt to mixing bowl. Marinate chicken cubes in lemon juice/spice mix for 45 minutes.

While chicken marinates, dice onion and tomatoes. Mince garlic. Add onion, garlic, and coconut oil to Dutch oven. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add marinated chicken. Cook on medium heat for 12 minutes or until chicken is only slightly pink inside. Stir occasionally.

Add tomato and ginger. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 3 minutes. Stir occasionally. Add coconut milk. Simmer on warm heat for 30 minutes or until sauce starts to thicken and chicken is no longer pink inside. Stir occasionally. Serve over rice.

TIDBITS

1) Madagascar produces more vanilla than any other country.

2) However, Madagascar’s vanilla shacks invariably seem to be on the other side of the stream.

3) But Madagascar’s streams often have crocodiles in them.

4) Crocodiles have been known to eat people. In all fairness though, people often eat crocodiles.

5) However, this is not to say you want to be eaten, far from it.

6) But you still want that vanilla on the other side and a vanilla substitute won’t do.

7) Hence the Madagascan proverb, “If you cross the stream in a crowd, the crocodile won’t eat you.”

8) At least not the people in the middle of the crowd.

9) The previous two tidbits explain why it is considered bad manners to ask people to cross rivers with you.

10) So there you have it. You can’t cross a Madagascan river to get vanilla, but you can’t ask someone to cross with you.

11) Bummer.

12) Now, however, AmazonTM is apparently considered producing drones to fly products from one spot to another.

13) Critics pooh pooh this idea, saying America’s skies are too crowded for the safe use of commercial drones.

14) However drones would be ideal in Madagascar for shipping bottles of vanilla from the wrong side of the crocodile-infested river to you.

15) This development would be great for Madagascans who want to live. Bad though for the country’s crocs who wish to dine out.

16) So where would Madagascar’s hungry crocodiles go to eat?

17) Tennessee. Tennessee has lots of rivers and not only that the locals there know nothing about even the most basic anti-crocodile measures. Lots of people would be eaten.

18) Being eaten while crossing a river would be a great excuse for not turning in homework.

19) But you could only use this excuse once.

20) The state of Tennessee does not consider breast feeding to be nudity. Crocodiles don’t have breasts. They are reptiles. Only Mammals have breasts.

21) So an undressed crocodile would be arrested by Tennessee’s law enforcement.

22) Let’s hope crocodiles never develop a sense of modesty.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Argentinian Barbecue

Argentinian Entree

ARGENTINIAN BARBECUE

INGREDIENTSArgSausage-

1/4 cup sea salt
1 cup warm water
6 pork sausages
1 chicken breast
2 1/2 pounds beef short ribs
2 1/3 pounds beef tip roast (or round steak)
salsa criolla (see recipe above)

SPECIAL UTENSIL

barbecue!

PREPARATIONArgRibs-

This is a multi-course entree. Start barbecue up to 40 minutes before you want to start cooking depending on your grill..

Add salt and water to bowl. Stir until salt dissolves.

Place sausages and chicken breast on grill. Grill for 15-to-20 minutes or until done on all sides. Remove sausages. Cut sausages and chicken breast diagonally into 4 or 5 pieces each. Serve.

Put short ribs bony side down on grill. Grill ribs for 15 minutes. Turn over ribs and brush tops with salt water. Barbecue for another 15-to-30 minutes. Remove and serve.

Put round steak on grill. Grill for 5 minutes. Turn over and baste top with salt water. Repeat this for another 20-to-30 minutes or until cooked to your desired level of doneness. Remove. Cut into thin slices.

Please note there is quite variation in times needed to grill your meat to your satisfaction depending on your preferences of well done versus rare, the thickness of the meat, and the efficiency of your grill. You will need to monitor the grilling.ArgSteak-

Serve with salsa criolla.

TIDBITS

1) Some people feel many exotic dishes taste like chicken. Some of them are: alligator, crocodile, frog, kangaroo, turtle, marine iguana, pigeon, quail, squirrel, snake, swan, toad, and most birds.

2) Why?

3) Chicken has lower levels of glutamates. Glutmates contribute to something called “umami.” “Umami” contributes to … Excuse me, I need a nap. Zzzz!

4) A consensus mildly interesting scientists holds that chickens and other birds descended from dinosaurs. Most dinosaurs died out when a huge meteorite struck the Earth at 6:02 a.m. exactly sixty-five million years ago. Only a relatively small number of species survived Meteor Apocalypse.

4) Did the dinosaurs suffer from zombie apocalypses? Archeologists are mute on this subject for as well all know it is exceedingly difficult to distinguish a regular dinosaur fossil from a zombie dinosaur fossil.

5) Dinosaurs had tiny brains. Zombie dinosaurs would necessarily have possessed tiny brains as well. We know from observing the behavior of current zombies–See the reality show, Dodge City Zombies–that zombies really want brains. And dinosaurs possessed tiny brains. Zombie dinosaurs would have needed to eat dozens of living dinosaurs to get their brain fixes. This urge to eat brains still shows up in the French entree cerveau d’agneau (lamb’s brain.)

6) Anyway, chickens and birds descend from the same common ancestors. That’s why they all taste somewhat the same.

7) Crocodiles have a lot in common with chickens. So they say. They look a lot different to me. I can tell you I would run a lot faster from a chicken than from a chicken, no matter how enraged the chicken might be.

8) This commonality between chickens and crocodiles explains the similarity in taste.

9) Scientists now think Tyrannosaurus Rex tasted like chicken. So, if you are eating chicken, you are a distant way eating a fierce king of the dinosaur. Roar!

10) Listen to “Tastes Like Chicken” by Austin Lounge Lizards. It’s great.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: cuisine, history, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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