Posts Tagged With: comfort

You Need to Get a Comfort Crocodile

Let’s face it, life can be stressful. Stress dramatically lowers the quality of your life. Indeed, stress can shorten your life. You need more comfort in your life. Add comfort by going out for a nice meal, taking a relaxing bath, or lying down on the sofa and watching television. This increases your increase your Net Comfort Index which equals comfort minus stress.

As you probably guessed you can up your NCI by getting rid of your stresses. What stresses you out? Mean inconsiderate people. How do get rid of them?

I’m glad you asked. May I recommend getting a comfort animal that rids your world of stress-making people? What comfort pet does that?

The comfort crocodile. Simply unleash your hungry* crocodile, I call mine Alfie, at the hateful human/meal. Your crocodile with its long, sharp, pointy meal will make short work of the offending oaf. You will have one stress-making person in your life and the croc will have had a nice meal. It’s a win-win situation. Also, your  dining croc will leave no stray body bits behind for your municipality to clean up. There’s really no downside to all this.

Comfort crocs run at 20 miles per hour. This means they’re road legal on all roads without posted minimum speed limits or where your 20 mph croc would seriously impede the flow of traffic. But with the average speed of 8 mph in congested urban centers, that’ll never happen. And no driver will even try to face down your croc car. Crocodile pets keep getting better. Other uses for a croc pet come to mind: negotiating a raise with your boss, settling lawsuits, and getting to the head of the line.

You need more net comfort. You need a comfort crocodile. You need one now.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

P.S. Don’t let you crocodile get too hungry; it might eat you before you even get out the door. Crocodiles like to dine on: snakes, fish, deer, baby elephants, cows, gazelles, wild boars, and buffaloes. So make sure stock your fridge and pantry with them.

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized, you need to get | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Comfort Rocks Banned on Airlines

Banned Comfort Companions

It was bound to happen. Today, all the major airlines banned the use of rocks as comfort companions.

“It was getting out of hand,” said Carl LaFong, CEO of Duluth Airlines. “First it was comfort dogs, then comfort cats–boy did they hide everywhere. Then it was comfort mice–boy oh boy, didn’t they cause a lot of shrieking. Then it was a comfort rhino. It caused an incident the very first time onboard. We had to ban them all.”

“Then about a month ago, Farine du Ble, traveling from Duluth to Paris, brought a painted rock onboard. She held it in her hand, turning it over and over. The passenger in the middle, Amos Keeto, said a rock companion was stupid. Ms. du Ble took offense and hit Mr. Keeto in the head with it. We had make an emergency landing in Gary, Indiana of all places. Comfort rocks are now banned.”

Indeed the Airline Safety Council took preemptive action and banned the following pets from comfort companionship:

ants
bats
bees
crocodiles (they mess the passenger count)
giraffes (not even if you can put them in the overhead bins)
lutefisk (not even a creature, still don’t try it)
snails

Additional pets may be added as needed.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., travel guru

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: travel | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

You Need to See a Comfort Tiger

Life can be hard. Adulting can take you down. Many times you need sympathy, understanding, and care. When the discord and noise of your lives triggers depression, you require the silent comfort of an understanding soul.

You need a comfort tiger.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: you need to see | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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