I think Fluff Fluff did rather well, don’t you? Watch for her when competes for the first time on Bunny Flips on ESPN8, next Friday, 8pm, EST.
I spent hours learning how to do this. It might not seem like a mighty achievement, but it kept me off the streets where I would only foment revolution. And that’s a good thing.
With the explosion in the numbers of people competing in long-distance races, runners are looking for any edge they can get. For a while, runners took performance enhancing drugs, PEG. (Note, here PEG is an anacronym, not any woman named Peg.) Anyway some weeks ago, marathoner Carl La Fong up and grew a third leg overnight. He reduced his race time by 39 minutes.
As of press time, no marathon organizers have addressed the issue of a third leg. So many unscrupulous marathoners are looking for a third leg. As there aren’t many legal ways to acquire leg (Contrary to common belief, Costco(tm) doesn’t carry everything), runners are turning to violence.
Leg jacking. They’re procuring their fifth limb by legjacking, where the foul fiend knocks you down and pulls off your leg. Isn’t this painful?
Yes.
And you can kiss goodbye your own chances of winning a marathon.
What can you do to avoid legjacking?
Keep a healthy distance between yourself and all fit people with legs as long as yours.
It’s not always possible to do that because of crowds and stampeding herds of escaped elephants. So, I recommend carrying garlic cloves in your hands whenever you go out. Simply pop the garlic cloves into your mouth and munch away whenever you see a likely leg thief. Your strong garlic breath will deter any legjacker. Besides, garlic repels vampires as well. And that’s good.
Be sure to join me for future health tips. Bye bye now, Stay healthy.
¾ pound flat rice noodles
2 Chinese sausages
3 ounces fish cake (optional)
3 garlic cloves
1 cup garlic chives*
2 tablespoons dark soy sauce or soy sauce
2 tablespoons light soy sauce or soy sauce
½ tablespoon fish sauce
1 teaspoon oyster sauce or fish sauce
1 teaspoon sugar
¼ teaspoon white pepper
2 eggs
¼ cup vegetable oil
¾ pound shrimp, peeled and deveined
2 cups bean sprouts
* = Can be found in Asian supermarkets. Or substitute with garlic, chives, shallots, or combination.
SPECIAL UTENSIL
wok or Dutch oven.
Serves 6. 50 minutes.
PREPARATION
Soak dried noodles in warm water for 45 minutes. Drain. Cut Chinese sausage into ½” diagonal slices along their length. Cut fish cakes into ½” wide strips. Mince garlic cloves. Cut garlic chives in 2″ long pieces. Add dark soy sauce, light soy sauce, fish sauce, oyster sauce, sugar, and white pepper to medium mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Add eggs to small mixing bowl. Beat with whisk until well blended.
Add oil, Chinese sausage, fish-cake strips, garlic, garlic chives, shrimp. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until garlic softens. Stir frequently. Add noodles. Stir until well mixed. Add liquid from medium mixing bowl. Mix with wooden spoon until well blended.
Push sausage/fish strips/noodles to one side. Ladle egg from small mixing bowl to newly made space on wok. Scramble eggs. Let everything fry until egg nearly sets. Cook for 1 minute, stirring frequently. Add bean sprouts. Cook for 2 minutes. Stir frequently.
TIDBITS
1) String theory replaces the point-like particles of particle physics with one-dimensional objects called strings. Scientists could have thrown over the point-life particles for Hula Hoops(tm). But they didn’t. Culinary physicists have discovered why the mainstream physicists chose strings.
2) Look below for a rendering of string theory. The alluring spiffiness of this image hides its inspiration.
3) Let’s put a red and white bowl around the center of this picture.
4) Doesn’t that look a lot like Char Kway Teow? Let’s put it next to this recipe’s photo.
5) Wow! Char Kway Teow clearly provided the inspiration for String Theory. Proof you cannot deny.
6) But unlike String Theory you can eat Char Kway Teow. Whenever travel takes you to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, be sure to dine at Carl La Fong’s House of String Theory. His Char Kway Teow tastes divine. Perhaps it will inspire you as well.
6½ tablespoons butter, softened
½ cup brown sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup flour (2 tablespoons more later)
½ cup wheat flour
½ teaspoon baking powder
¼ teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons flour
½ pound fig jam
SPECIAL UTENSILS
electric beater
14″ x 10″ cookie sheet
parchment paper
Makes 32 bars. Takes 2 hours 15 minutes.
PREPARATION
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Add butter and brown sugar to large mixing bowl. Mix with electric beater set on high until light and fluffy. Add egg and vanilla extract. Mix with electric beater set on high until light and fluffy.
Add 1 cup flour, wheat flour, baking powder, and salt to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork or whisk until well blended. Gradually add in flour mix from small mixing bowl to egg/sugar mix in large mixing bowl. Mix with electric beater set on high until light and fluffy. Use hands to form a round dough ball. Cover and place in refrigerator for 1 hour or until firm.
Dust 14″ x 10″ flat surface with 2 tablespoons flour. Add dough ball. Roll out dough ball until it’s ¼” thick. Cut dough along its length into 10″ x 3½” strips. Spread ¼ of the fig jam down the middle of a strip until it’s 1″ wide. Carefully fold both edges of the dough over the fig jam. Pinch seam together to complete fig/dough log. Repeat for each dough strip. Cut each log into 2 shorter mini-logs to make transferring them to the parchment paper easier.
Place parchment paper on cookie sheet. Use spatula to carefully place mini logs seam side down on parchment paper. Use fingers to smooth together any tears in the mini logs. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes or until mini logs turn golden brown and feel slightly firm. Cut each mini log into 4 fig bars. Let cool on cookie sheet for 15 minutes or until slightly warm. Store in airtight container.
TIDBITS
1) Be sure to mark your calendar for January 16. That’s International Hot and Spicy Food Day.
2) It’s also National Fig Newton Day.
3) So eat hot-and-spicy food and fig bars on that day (IHSFNFND).
4) You might not want to do anything else.
5) Indeed. The Super Bowl used to held in January, but the prospect of having their biggest game of the year fall on International Hot and Spicy Day AND National Fig Newton Day terrified National Football League Executives. They knew the NFL would lose the match up.
6) This is why recent Super Bowls have been held in February.
7) Baseball, for decades, held its World Series in October for the very same reason.
8) Now, World Series Games spillover into November.
9) November is still two months away from IHSFNFND.
10) But the end of the World Series is getting ever closer to that eventful culinary day, because of ever increasing rounds of post-season play.
11) The World Series might eventually coincide with IHSFNFND. If that happens, television executives will simply throw up their hands and stop broadcasting the Fall Classic. This is something even World War II could not do.
12) This must not happen. Contact your senator. Now.
13) It’s worth noting that fig bars’ existential challenge to professional sports in America derives from their many great attributes.
14) Fig bars are high in fiber. Football and baseball are not.
15) Fig bars have many vitamins. Football and baseball do not.
16) Fig bars have many minerals. Football and baseball do not.
17) Fig bars are a tasty snack. Football and baseball do not.
18) Fig bars help digestion. Football and baseball do not.
19) Indeed, footballs and baseballs are even difficult to eat.
20) Oh crudness, National Fig Week runs from November 1 to November 7. The same time as the World Series. Stock up on fig bars; we live in dark, troubling times.
Sorry, there won’t be a funny, well thought out post today. My neck simply is hurting too much to do anything creative or, indeed, much of anything that involves moving or turning my neck. Until this happens, you really how much you use your neck. Just getting up from a prone position, like from on my bed, takes planning and a long time just to minimize the hurt somewhat. Behave yourselves out there.
How many times has this happened to you? You’ve been scrupulously minding your own business when suddenly you acquire a country, a province, or a city. How did you end up with such an expanse of land and the people, economies, and nuclear weapons that go along with it?
Perhaps you inherited it. Did you think to ask your parents, “Will you be leaving me a country?” I suggest people do so.
Perhaps you own stock in a large corporation, like Amazon(tm), for example. Amazon is growing by leaps and bounds all the time, so it’s plausible to assume that they might buy a small country or parts thereof, to help lower distribution costs.
Perhaps you simply saw the deed to the country on a sidewalk and picked it up.
So, there you have it. You’ve yourself a new country. But won’t the once old country be angry at you? You betcha! Won’t they be chomping at the bit to diversify your retirement portfolio be regainging their independence? Absolutely. Can they do it? Yes, if they ally with some powerful nation, or huge hedge fund, and attack you.
That is the nightmare scenario. The only way to stop this coalition from forming against you is to fool the world into thinking your country isn’t new; that it’s really part of either an old and peaceful nation or portfolio. How do you do this?
Simple, pick a flag that looks like the one from another country, province, or city. How do you do that?
May I suggest limiting the colors of your new flag to calming green and white? There are simply scads of wonderful countries that use only green and white in their banners. Here are my favorite green-and-white flags in order of coolness and usefulness. And you know the saying, “Cool flags, cool people.”
1. North Caucasian Emirate
The North Causian Emirate had flag sported a white happy face on a green background. It was the coolest green-and-white flag ever.*
Was.
Unfortunately this Islamic stated existed for less than a year during the Russian Revolution of 1919 to 1921. Then communists forcibly absobed the North Causian Emirate into the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics with their boring-hammer-and-sickle-on-an-endless-red-background flag. Friggin’ commies.
2. Pakistan
Pakistan has a green and white flags in the world. It possesses nuclear weapons. So if you acquire Pakistan, from playing poker perhaps, you also get its thermonuclear capability. That would come in handy when confronting medical insurers who refuse to bill you correctly. Oh, and bothersome neighbors.
3. Saudi Arabia
Saudi Arabia flag also uses a green-and-white flag. The Arabic inscription says, “There is no god but Allah; Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah.” The sword at the bottom will deter people coming to your house to sell a tree-trimming service. And what kind of monster comes unannounced to your front door, anyway?
4. Norfolk Island
Norfolk Island’s flag causes excitement wherever flaps in the wind. (Pretty much just on Norfolk Island.) You just can’t get around ithe green tree in the middle of its flag. They could have put a spoon, a bug, or an advertisement in the middle, but they didn’t. Well done, Norfolk. Your neighbors will never doubt your commitment to Go Green when you run this flag up your flagpole.
5.Nigeria
The Nigerian flag is the same as Norfolk Island’s, but with no beautiful tree in the middle. The theme of “simplicity, simplictity won out in the nationwide competiton.
6. Rotterdam
The city of Rotterdam in the Netherlands has its own flag. It is the Nigerian flag rotated 90 degrees.
7. Siberia
Siberia’s green-and-white flag boldly dispensed with the boring rectangles prevalent in so many of the world’s flags. Yes, it had two triangles, which I like to think pay hommage to the Pythagorean Theorem. The green triangle represents Siberia’s vast forest. The green triangle stands for the White Russians who fought for the Tsar’s and against the Communists. I prefer to think it stands for the snow that blankets Siberia. At any rate, the green-hating Communists, Philistines everyone of them, threw this flag away in favor of their dreary red banner.
8. The regions of the regions of Saxony, Andalusia, Antioquia, and Esmeralda
The down-to-Earth inhabitants hailing from these lands went with simple white rectangle on top of a green one and left it at that. Unpretentious, you bet.
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