Posts Tagged With: Paul De Lancey

Baked Scotch Eggs

British Entree

OVEN BAKED SCOTCH EGGS

INGREDIENTS

6 eggs (1 more later)
1 egg
1 pound pork sausage
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
¾ cup Panko bread crumbs or regular bread crumbs

SPECIAL UTENSIL

baking sheet
parchment paper
x-ray vision or SupermanTM

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Add sufficient water to cover eggs. Bring water to boil using high heat. Use slotted spoon to gently lower eggs into water. (You don’t want eggs to crack. Boil 6 eggs for 8 minutes. ( Or 4 minutes for runny yolks, 6 minutes for creamy yolks, and 10 minutes for hard-boiled. Drain and gently transfer eggs to bowl filled with cold water. Let cool, then peel.

While 6 hard-boiled eggs cool, add 1 egg to small mixing bowl. Beat egg with whisk or fork. Add pork sausage, pepper, and salt to medium mixing bowl. Mix with hands until well blended. Divide pork sausage mix into 6 balls. Add pork balls to flat surface.. Flatten each pork ball until it is a patty about 1″ thick. Place a boiled egg in the middle of each patty. Shape patty completely and evenly around egg.

Dip each patty in beaten egg, then dredge through bowl with seasoned bread crumbs. Cover baking sheet with parchment paper. Gently add sausage/bread-crumb egg to parchment paper. Bake coated eggs for 25 minutes or until bread crumbs turn golden brown and sausage is firm. (And no longer pink as well. X-ray vision helps here. If you don’t have such an ability, please see if Superman is available.) Turn coated eggs over once to ensure even cooking.

Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 10 minutes.

TIDBITS

1) As always, offer Superman a serving if you’ve used his x-ray vision. You’ll be stunned to find out how many people don’t thank super heroes for their help. Good manners are always in fashion.

2) Besides, what if you’re caught in a building that’s being consumed with a raging fire. Do you want Superman to sulk and dawdle because you’d neglected to thank him?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Simple Black Bean Soup

Brazilian Soup

SIMPLE BLACK BEAN SOUP

INGREDIENTS

1 green or red bell pepper
1 medium carrot
3 garlic cloves
1 medium yellow or white onion
2 tablespoons olive oil
¼ teaspoon black pepper
⅛ teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon cumin
½ teaspoon red pepper flakes
2 15-ounce cans black beans
1 bay leaf
3 tablespoons orange juice
2 teaspoons orange zest
¼ cup diced tomatoes
2½ cups vegetable broth
4 green onions

Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Seed and dice bell pepper. Dice carrot, garlic cloves, and onion. Add carrot, garlic, onion, and oil to pot. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until yellow onion softens. Stir frequently. Add bell pepper, black pepper, cayenne pepper, cumin, and red pepper flakes. Cook at medium heat for 5 minutes or until bell pepper softens. Stir frequently.

While bell pepper softens, drain and rinse black beans. Add bay leaf, black beans, orange juice, orange zest, tomato, and vegetable broth. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir occasionally. Reduce heat to low. Cover and simmer at low heat for 30 minutes. Stir occasionally. While soup simmers, dice green onions. Remove bay leaf. Ladle soup into bowls. Garnish with green onions and tomato.

TIDBITS

1) The notorious pirate, Blackbeard, terrorized merchant shipping in the Caribbean during the 1710s while the universally loved Black bean soup hails from Brazil.

2) Black Beard’s true name was Edward Teach. But he wanted a name whose his very mention would paralyze merchant ship captains, a nom du piratage if you will. He so loved this recipe that he, at first, went by Black Bean Soup. His crew demurred, asserting that this moniker would never strike terror in anyone. Indeed, his fellow pirates said scaring the bejeebus out of their prey was very much a good thing. After much discussion, the pirates voted for Blackbeard as Teach’s new name.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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How To Use #3, Coffee Grinder

Dear readers,

Today, you’ll learn how to use your electric coffee grinder. You may have an electric one that looks like this.

Here are the two things you must know if you wish to master the art of grinding coffee.

1) Plug it in. Pretty much every electric gizmo from the coffee grinder to biggest super computers need electricity. There’s really no way around this step.

2)  If your coffee grinder requires two lids, “For the love of God, Montressor,” use both lids. The poor soul who used the grinder in the picture used only one of the lids. You can see the result. He now wanders Skid Row periodically flinging his arms to the sky and muttering, “Why? Why? Why?”

Try these steps and before you know it you’ll be grinding coffee with the best of us. And as always, bon appétit.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Why Bluebirds Sing

 

About a million-to-some-three-thousand years ago, life was hard. Life was brutal. Life was boring. After a tough day hunting and killing a mastodon Joe Caveman naturally craved intellectual recreation. So he and his friends, those who survived the hunt, got together for a game of “rock, rock, rock.” But everyone played “rock” and the game ended in one tie after another. This so discouraged prehistory’s brainiacs that even the most cursory of intellectual pursuits, such as telemarketing and mime shows, were put on the back burner for millennia.

Then happy day, papyrus and soon afterward paper were invented. In one literary salon after another in ancient Egypt and Greece the forward thinkers flocked to hearty games of “Rock, Paper.” Life was worth living. Thinking was worthwhile. The Egyptians erected magnificent pyramids in their great joy. The Greeks, the Parthenon. The Chinese, the Colosseum.

Unfortunately, in 989 a lowly, but brilliant rag picker named Arlin reasoned thusly. If I pick rock and my opponent picks rock as well, I tie. If, however, he picks scissors, I lose. So, I either lose or tie with rock. If I pick paper and my opponent also picks paper, I tie. But if he picks rock, I win. So, I either tie or win with paper. Ergo, I should always pick paper. Within a scant fifty years, everyone picked paper and the games degenerated into ties, just as in the days of the caveman.

Joyless people stopped thinking again. The whole world plunged into the Dark Ages.

Then not so long ago, a Italian man with a bad haircut invented scissors. The game became Rock, Paper, Scissors. There was no same, optimal strategy. People could win and lose again. Thinking became worthwhile. The clouds parted. The bluebirds sang.  They’ve sung ever since.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Flags of the World – Red and White

How many times has this happened to you? You’ve been scrupulously observing quarantine regulations. But you’re finding abiding them harder and harder to take. You find yourself developing a serious case of cabin fever. Finally, you can stand it no longer, so you rush outside. But before you know it, you’ve somehow organized a massive military uprising. Your forces, armed men and women who were drawn to you by your animal magnetism, have conquered a large part of a large country.

You find yourself filled with rebellion remorse. You try to give back your conquered lands, but the brave lads and lasses who fought for you won’t have any of that. “Go back to school,” you say to them. They say, “We missed our deadlines for turning in our essays. No teacher is going to accept the excuse ‘I couldn’t get term paper done as I was participating in a rebellion. ‘Begone,” the teacher will say, ‘like I haven’t heard that one.’ So, we will all get Fs. Our GPAs will plummet. We’ll lose our scholarships. We’ll have to drop out of university. But we won’t be able to get a job anywhere because taking part in bloody insurrection is such a resume stain.”

So, there you have it. You’re stuck with your new country. But won’t the old country that still exists be angry at you? You betcha! Won’t they be chomping at the bit to reconquer their lost lands? Absolutely. Can they do it? No, you inadvertently overpowered their armed forces earlier. Remember? What happens if they ally with some powerful nation and attack you?

That is the nightmare scenario. The only way to stop this international coalition from forming against you is to fool the world into thinking your country isn’t a new, that it’s really part of an old and peaceful nation. How do we do this?

Simple, pick a flag that looks like the one from another country. How do I do that?

May I suggest limiting the colors of your new flag to red and white? There are simply scads of countries that use only red and white in their banners. Look at the Polish flag.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poland is at peace with everyone. Adopt this flag and the foreign armies will think you’re at peace with everyone. If you don’t want to use the Polish flag, possibly for copyright reasons, you flip it on its side, like this. And add a little cross and you get . . . Malta.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Malta is a tiny and peaceful land. But choices for your flag still abound. Remove the cross and rotate the flag one more time and you get . . .  Monaco’s and Indonesia’s flags.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monaco is far too tiny to invade anyone and Indonesia hasn’t tried anything like that decades. And now, if you still want a flag that’s guaranteed to confuse your fledgling nation’s with those of more-established countries but is a little bit more stylish, may I suggest that your peruse the following red-and-white flags.

 

 

You don’t even have to draw your flagian, not really a word, from a real country’s banner. Look at the Swiss and Red Cross flags.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They’re almost the same flag! One of the two entities just switched colors with the other. Is this okay? And if you stare at the Swiss flag long enough will you see the Red Cross flag and vice versa? Something to think about.

Other countries have red-and-white flags, but didn’t make the cut for displaying their flags.  Anyway, honorable mention goes to:  Denmark, Georgia, and Japan.

So now you have many, many red-and-white flags to choose from. You new nation needn’t fear invasion, secure in the knowledge that the rest of the world will confuse your country with another. And that’s a good feeling.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: humor, international, obsevations, politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cheddar Beer Soup

American Soup

CHEDDAR BEER SOUP

INGREDIENTS

1 carrot
1 celery stalk
1 small onion
2 garlic cloves
4 tablespoons butter
⅓ cup flour
12 ounces (1 can) beer (not dark)
2 cups chicken or vegetable broth
1¼ cups whole milk
1 teaspoon dry mustard
¼ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
¾ pound shredded sharp cheddar
2 tablespoons fresh parsley

Serves 6. Takes 35 minutes.

PREPARATION

Dice carrot, celery, and onion. Mince garlic. Add butter to pan. Melt butter using medium heat. Add carrot, celery, onion, and garlic to pan. Sauté for 5 minutes at medium heat or until carrot and onion start to soften. Stir frequently.

Add flour. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 2 minutes. Stir constantly. Add beer, broth, and milk.. Continue simmering on low for 5 minutes. Stir frequently enough to prevent burning. Add dry mustard, pepper, salt, and Worcestershire sauce. Stir until well blended.

Add cheese and continue simmering at low heat for 5 minutes or the soup becomes creamy. Dice parsley. Add soup to bowls and garnish with parsley.

TIDBITS

1) Beer spelled backwards is reeb.

2) Reeb, however, spelled backwards is beer.

3) So beer spelled backwards a second time is beer.

4) This makes beer a second-order palindrome.

5) Many other words are second-order palindromes. See if you can find them.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, obsevations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bariis Iskukaris – Spicy Rice and Meat From Somalia

Somali Entree

BARIIS ISKUKARIS
(Spicy Rice and Meat)

INGREDIENTS

1 cup basmati rice
½” ginger root
2 garlic cloves
1 medium onion
1 large tomato
3 cardamom seeds
3 cloves
¾ pound lamb, beef, goat, or chicken
2½ tablespoons ghee or vegetable oil
1 cinnamon stick
¼ teaspoon coriander
¼ teaspoon cumin
¼ teaspoon salt
½ tablespoon vegetable seasoning
1½ cups water
½ teaspoon saffron threads

Serves 4. Takes 1 hour 40 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cook rice according to instructions on package. While rice cooks, grate ginger root. Mince garlic cloves and onion. Dice tomato. Grind cardamom seeds and cloves into powder. Cut meat into ½” cubes. Add ghee, garlic, onion, cardamom, cinnamon stick, and cloves to pan. Sauté for 5 minutes at medium-high heat or until garlic and onion soften. Stir frequently.

Add meat cubes, coriander, cumin, ginger, salt, and vegetable seasoning. Cook at medium heat for 5 minutes or until meat browns. Stir frequently. Add tomato. Cover and cook at medium heat for 10 minutes or until a sauce is obtained. Stir occasionally.

Add 1½ cups water. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir enough to prevent burning. Cover, reduce heat to low and simmer for 30 minutes or until meat is tender and most of the water has been absorbed. Stir occasionally. Add saffron. Cover, and simmer at low heat for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally. Remove cinnamon stick. Add rice to plate. Ladle spicy meat mix onto rice.

TIDBITS

1) Food left on a burner can burn within minutes or at the most, within a day. Bears take two weeks to three months to hibernate. It’s a certainty that any food bears left on the stove at the start of their Big Sleep will have turned into ashes by the time they stirred. There’s no evolutionary future for a species that habitually burns its food. That’s why we descended from apes.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Official Dinner Invitation For President Biden

Dear Mr. President,

I am officially inviting you and whomever you wish to bring with you to have a gourmet five-course meal at my humble abode in Poway, California. My wonderful wife and many friends eagerly await your appearance. As you know, Mr. President, Poway is the hot spot of all political campaigns. The saying runs, “As goes Poway, so does the Presidency. ”

You will have have a great time in Poway with its many streets, walking trails, proposed Candyland(tm) Museum, and library.* So, please come. The prestige you’ll reap from visiting Poway and me will let you overawe your opponents in Congress. Lord knows you need help with that. And heck, you’ll have fun chowing down on home-style gourmet cooking.

Sincerely,

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

P.S. May I suggest you invite your wife to come along with you. You don’t want to get in trouble. And I could talk to her Ph.D. to Ph.D. It would be such fun.

* = Our library even has a little aquarium. You can look at it for hours without even noticing the time. All the while, you’ll feel your many troubles melting away. Now, what is there in Washington that can do that for you?

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor, politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Biryani From Pakistan

Pakistani Entree

BIRYANI

INGREDIENTS

2 medium onions
1 pound lamb or chicken
2 green chiles
1 garlic clove
¾” ginger root
1 large tomato
3 cardamom seeds
3 cloves
1½” cinnamon stick
¾ teaspoon garam masala
3 peppercorns
1 teaspoon red chile flakes or ½ teaspoon cayenne
½ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon turmeric
6 tablespoons ghee or butter
1¼ cups basmati rice
2½ cups water
1 bay leaf
½ teaspoon saffron or  ¾ teaspoon safflower
¼ cup warm water
½ cup fresh mint leaves

SPECIAL UTENSILS

blender or food processor
mandoline
sonic obliterator

Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

Slice onions ⅛” thick using mandoline or knife. Cut lamb into 2″ cubes. Seed and dice green chiles. Use food processor to turn garlic cloves and ginger root into a paste. Puree tomato in blender.

Add green chile, onion, cloves, cardamom seeds, cinnamon, garam masala, peppercorns, red chile flakes, salt, turmeric, and ghee to large pan. Sauté at medium-high heat or until onion softens and browns. Stir frequently. Add garlic/ginger paste. Sauté at medium heat for 5 minutes or until garlic/onion paste becomes fragrant. Stir frequently. Add tomato. Cook at medium heat for 3 minutes. Add lamb. Cook at medium heat for 5 minutes or until lamb starts to brown. Stir occasionally. Reduce heat to low, cover, and simmer for 30 minutes. Stir enough to prevent burning.

While lamb simmers, add rice, 2½ cups water, and bay leaf to pot. Bring to boil using high heat for 15 minutes or until rice is al dente. Stir occasionally and add water as necessary to avoid burning the rice. Remove bay leaf. Drain and set aside. Add saffron and ¼ cup warm water to small mixing bowl. Stir, Add rice and saffron/water mixture. Cover and simmer at low-medium heat for 30 minutes or until rice is tender. Stir occasionally. Remove cinnamon stick.

While lamb/rice/saffron simmers, dice mint leaves. Garnish dish with mint leaves. Use sonic obliterator on any guest who crosses you in any way at anytime during preparation or serving.

TIDBITS

1) Pakistan is home to the ATM at the highest elevation in the world, 15,397.

2) The highest polo stadium on Earth is also in Pakistan. at 12,140 feet.

3) This means you can leave the stadium after a particularly exciting match and still have to climb up over a half mile to withdraw some cash. So, It really is best to come prepared with enough money for post-game activities.

4) Over half of the world’s hand-sewn soccer balls come from Pakistan. The British rulers of Pakistan, during the time of the Raj, loved to play soccer. But it took forever to ship soccer balls from Britain to Pakistan. The rest of the trip was by train. By the time, the soccer balls got to the soccer pitches, everybody would have gone home months ago. So, the British soccer officials asked the local businesses to make soccer balls. They produced fantastic leather spheres. Now, the British could play soccer whenever they wanted. The local businesses burgeoned. Now Pakistan dominates the hand-sewn market.

5) This is just one consequence of global imperialism.

6) Pakistan’s national anthem has been rated as one the best in the world. Well done, Pakistan.

7) On the other hand, two Pakistani brothers created the world’s first computer virus. Boo.

8) In 2011, Pakistani officials arrested a monkey crossing its border with India. I don’t know the charges. I’d really like to know the charges. No passport?

9) The national fruit is the mango.

9) One of the two national languages of Pakistan is Urdu. Only 7% of the population speak it. The most used non-English language is Punjabi.

10) Okay, suppose you’ve just withdrawn some rupees from the word’s highest-up ATM and you wish to buy some mangos at the local market. How would you say it? You would tell the merchant, “Iha aba kina hai?”

11) There, you have one fewer thing to worry about should you ever travel to Pakistan.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Koftay – Pakistani Meatballs

Pakistani Entree

KOFTAY
(Meatballs)

INGREDIENTS – MEATBALLS

½ inch ginger root (½ inch more later)
1 onion (1 onion more later)
1 egg
1¼ pounds ground beef (80% is best)
¼ teaspoon ground cardamom
½ teaspoon chili powder
½ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt (¼ teaspoon more later)
¼ cup chickpea (garbanzo) flour

INGREDIENTS – SAUCE

1 garlic clove
½ inch ginger root
1 onion
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
½ cup full fat Greek yogurt
1 tablespoon coriander
½ teaspoon red pepper flakes
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon turmeric
2 cups water
½ cup fresh (3 tablespoons if dry) tarragon, cilantro, or parsley

SPECIAL UTENSIL

food processor or blender

Serves 6. Takes 45 minutes.

PREPARATION – MEATBALLS

Add ½” ginger root and 1 medium onion to food processor or blender. Blend until you get paste. Beat egg in small bowl. Add ginger root/onion paste, egg, and all other meatball ingredients to large mixing bowl. Mix ingredients with hands until well blended. Form mix into 1″ meatballs.

PREPARATION – SAUCE

Mince garlic clove, ½” ginger root, and 1 onion. Add garlic, ginger, onion, and oil to pan. Sauté for 5 minutes at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add coriander, red pepper flakes, salt, turmeric, water, and yogurt. Reduce heat to low. Blend with fork.

Add meatballs. Simmer at warm-low heat for 30 minutes. Stir gently and occasionally. While meatballs simmer in sauce, mince tarragon. Garnish meatballs and sauce with tarragon.

TIDBITS

1) Koftay is an Ancient Urartian word meaning meatball.

2 Urartu was an ancient kingdom with lands in what is now eastern Turkey.

3) Urarti civilization thrived under King Sarduri I (832 BC – 820).

4) He formed the fierce Urartian Guard. These proud horsemen swept everything before them.

5) Indeed, the floors of Sarduri’s palace were as clean as anything. Hence, the well-know saying, “As tidy as Sarduri.”

6) Yeah, you could have a safe operation on his tiled floors.

7) And people did. Especially since the Urartian Guard’s practice of riding into battle with brooms meant they incurred quite a few casualties.

8) But it was okay, they were sewn up and were as good as new.

9) Ordinary Urartians noticed the medical success of Sarduri’s palace. They clamored for equal treatment. In 827 the king granted universal health care to his grateful subjects. He could afford this as his other band of horsemen, Urartian Band, armed with lances, sacked one city after another. The gold coins they looted all flowed into the king’s coffers while the meatballs they carried off went to the people

10) Sarduri assessed his people a 10% copay for health care. The coinage starved inhabitants paid in koftay. Our modern word “copay” derives from this concept.

11) However, the Urartian empire declined soon after the king’s death, and eventually disappeared. So did the concept of koftay health care.

12) Universal health care system resurfaced briefly in the late Roman Republic when the reforming Gracchi brothers proposed reinstating koftay. However, the patrician nobility refused. Indeed, they killed the reformers. The Republic soon fell, then did the Empire, followed by barbarian invasions. The Dark Ages of Europe would stretch on for a millennium.

13) However, universal health care would come back to Europe in the late twentieth century. Not so much in America.

14) That’s because Italy loves meatballs so much more than the United States. However, we do have the concept of copay for our private health-care system. We owe this idea to the innovative Urartians and their scrumptious meatballs.

15) Now you know.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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