Posts Tagged With: entree

Chicken Satay

Posted on June 24, 2012 by pauldelancey

Thai Entree

CHICKEN SATAY WITH PEANUT SAUCE

INGREDIENTS

1 1/2 pounds chicken breasts

MARINADE

3 garlic cloves
2/3 cup raspberry drinkable low-fat yogurt
1/3 cup ranch yogurt dressing
1 teaspoon turmeric
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon coriander
1 teaspoon cumin
1 tablespoon lemongrass
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1 1/2 teaspoon soy sauce

PEANUT SAUCE

1 cup smooth peanut butter
1/4 cup soy sauce
1 teaspoon red chili powder
1 teaspoon mayonnaise
2 tablespoons light brown sugar
2 tablespoons lime juice
1/4 cup warm water

quarter head of iceberg lettuce

UTENSILS

grill

12 to 20 unicorn horns
12 to 20 wooden skewers (if your supermarkets don’t carry unicorn horns)

PREPARATION

Cut chicken into 1-inch cubes.

MARINADE

Peel and mince garlic cloves. Combine garlic, drinkable yogurt, yogurt dressing, turmeric, cinnamon, coriander, cumin, lemongrass, ginger, and soy sauce in shallow bowl.

Put chicken cubes in shallow mixing bowl. Turn over cubes in sauce until thoroughly coated with sauce. Cover and put chicken marinate in refrigerator for up to 2 hours.

(If your horde of youngin’s and spouse are ravenously hungry, it’s okay to skip putting the marinade in the fridge. It’ll still taste great, but the flavor won’t quite go all the way to the middle of the chicken cube. Then again, if they’re hungry to the point of chewing fruit cake, they probably won’t notice this shortcut.)

PREPARATION OF PEANUT SAUCE

Combine peanut butter, soy sauce, red chili pepper, mayonnaise, brown sugar, lime juice, and warm water in blender. Set blender to liquify and watch until, well, the mixture is liquified. Add a little extra water if needed.

FINAL PREPARATION

Carefully thread the coated chicken cubes onto the wooden skewers. (I do mean carefully. Those skewers can draw blood.) The skewer should be in the middle of the cube. Put cubes onto the first 3/4ths of the skewer. (You will need that last empty 1/4th to turn the chicken laden skewers over on the grill.)

Grills, especially indoor grills, vary greatly in heating ability, so vigilance is a must. On my little indoor grill I cooked on high for 5 minutes on a side for a total of 15 minutes. Again, your grill might cook much quicker, say in 8 minutes total.

Put lettuce leaves on each plate. Place chicken satays on top lettuce. Pour peanut sauce over both.

The person who agrees to clean up gets an extra skewer.

TIDBITS

1) The term “raspberry” or the sound of derision made with the tongue and mouth seems to have come from England.

2) England conquered and took over Scotland, Ireland, Wales, Canada, the eastern part of America, many islands in the Caribbean, parts of Central and South America, Australia, New Zealand, India, Burma, much of Africa, and little islands everywhere.

3) It is doubtful the English did all this land grabbing by giving natives everywhere the “raspberry.”

4) A likelier explanation comes from English superiority in naval and land tactics coupled with vast advantages in weaponry.

5) England today is a part of Britain with the British Empire being much diminished from its peak. Much of this decline came about when its armed forces lost their superiority on the battlefields and the high seas.

6) However, the food prepared by the chefs of Her Majesty’s armies are the envy of British restaurant goers everywhere. These chefs even won a prestigious national award.

6) Tidbit 6) has already been written.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Southwest Stuffed Bell Peppers – From Cookbook

Posted on June 23, 2012 by pauldelancey

American Entree

SOUTHWEST STUFFED BELL PEPPERS

INGREDIENTS

Ole.

1 green chile
5 green bell peppers
1/2 red onion
2 garlic cloves
1 cup pepper jack cheese
2 ounces Cotija cheese
1 1/2 pounds ground turkey
1/2 14.5 can diced tomatoes
4 teaspoons chili powder
1 teaspoon cornstarch
1 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon oregano
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
3/4 cup water
4 tablespoons sour cream
2 green onions
1/2 14.5 can diced tomatoes
3/4 cup water

PREPARATION

Remove seeds from green chile. Cut bell peppers in half lengthwise. Remove stem, white innards, and seed from green bell peppers. Dice green chile, red onion, garlic cloves, and green onion. Grate or shred pepper jack cheese and Cotija cheese.

In a large frying pan or skillet, cook the turkey, green chile, red onion, and garlic over medium-high heat until meat is no longer pink. Stir occasionally.

Add 1/2 of the diced tomatoes, chili powder, corn starch, cumin, oregano, cayenne, green onion, and 3/4 cup water. Bring to boil then reduce. Simmer uncovered for about 15 minutes. (No, this does not mean to get angry and cook in the nude. Sauces can splatter.)

Place as many bell-pepper halves in microwavable dish. (You’ll need a 3-to-4 quart dish if you want to use just one.) Add 3/4 cup water to dish. Cover and microwave on high for 7 to 8 minutes. (Microwaves vary in strength, so in general it’s best to heat for a short time, check the food and, if necessary, microwave some more.)

Pour any water out of the bell peppers. Fill each bell-pepper half to the top with ground-beef mixture. Put an equal amount of sour cream, remaining half of tomatoes, and cheese on bell peppers.

Serve to adoring guests.

TIDBITS

1) Bell peppers have recessive genes that prevent them from having capsaicin, the stuff that makes other peppers hot.

2) Red bell peppers are important in Portuguese cuisine.

3) In 1801 my great-great-great-grandfather Napoleon I directed an invasion of Portugal by French and Spanish troops.

4) In 1808, Napoleon I invaded Portugal again. Say what you will about his megalomania and the countless deaths he caused, he did possess an admirable work ethic.

5) Oh, and he invaded Spain as well in 1808, unleashing more bloody, unrestrained guerrilla warfare.

6) Strange to say, most Napoleonic historians fail utterly to mention how six years of conflict in that region affected red-bell-pepper production in Portugal.

7) It seems likely, though, that red-pepper planting and harvesting fell precipitously in previously culinarily happy Portugal.

8) One’s mind recoils at the thought of wary-weary Portuguese reduced to eating beef-and-red pepper sandwiches without red peppers.

9) Bad French emperor, no éclaire.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Recipe From My Cookbook – Guajillo Beef Tostada

Posted on June 17, 2012 by pauldelancey

Mexican Entree

GUAJILLO BEEF TOSTADA

INGREDIENTSGuajiBT-

4 dried guajillo chiles
1 cup water

2 garlic cloves
1 red bell pepper
2 stalks green onions
1/2 red onion
1/2 yellow onion

1/4 head lettuce

1 1/2 pounds ground beef
1 tablespoon cilantro
1/2 teaspoon coriander
1 1/2 teaspoon cumin
1/2 tablespoon lime juice
1 teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
1 teaspoon oregano
1/4 teaspoon pepper

1 16 ounce can refried beans.
1/2 cup sour cream

8 toasted corn tortillas
1 cup shredded Four Mexican cheeses
1 cup salsa (optional)

UTENSILS

a lazy Susan, about 24-inch across, if one is lurking in your kitchen.

PREPARATION

Pull stems off guajillo chiles, leave the rest alone. Cook on medium heat in sauce pan for about 2 minutes until guajillo gives off a fragrant aroma. Place guajillo chiles in mixing bowl. Pour hot water to cover chiles. Let sit for 1 hour. Mince chiles. Dice red bell pepper, green onions, red onions and yellow onions.

Shred as much lettuce as you like. (You have nearly an hour. Or you could employ this time conjugating Portuguese verbs, always handy when dining in Portugal.)

Meanwhile back at the range, add refried beans and sour cream in pot. Mix Cook at medium heat for about 5 minutes until mixture is hot and creamy. Cover and simmer at low until chiles have sat for 1 hour.

Add to frying pan: ground beef, cilantro, coriander, cumin, guajillo chiles, lime juice, meat spice, oregano, and pepper. Cook for about 5 minutes or until meat completely turns color. (What color you ask? Turning brown is good. Orange means you magic “spice” was purchased at an alternative food store.)

Apportion refried beans equally on tostadas. Put similar amounts of beef/spice mix on top of beans. Crown tostadas with lettuce, grated cheese, and salsa. Arriba! Arriba!

TIDBITS

1) “Tostada” means “toasted” in Spanish.

2) As in toasted bread and not as in “He had six whiskeys. He’s toasted.”

3) People often toast each other by raising a glass of wine at one or more people and saying something mercifully short.

4) This practice arose when people in the 17th century flavored wine with spiced toast.

5) I strongly suspect it was the wine that made people pop up and make short speeches in public.

6) I mean, how often have you seen people make a speech at a dinner after eating cinnamon toast?

7) I don’t think Mexicans have ever flavored their wines with tostadas.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Papas A La Huancaina (Potatoes with Peruvian cheese sauce)

Posted on June 9, 2012 by pauldelancey

Peruvian Entree

PAPAS A LA HUANCAINA
(Potatoes with Peruvian cheese sauce)

INGREDIENTSPapasAL-

1/2 cup red onion
1 garlic clove
4 eggs
1 tablespoon peanut oil
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoon aji amarillo pepper
4 saltine crackers
1/3 cup Monterrey Jack cheese
2/3 cup Cotija cheese
1/2 cup sour cream
1/2 cup milk
1 tablespoon lime juice
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1/4 teaspoon sugar
1/2 tablespoon turmeric
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
6 yellow or white potatoes
2 tablespoons parsley flakes
6 lettuce leaves

3 eggs

PREPARATION

Boil 6 potatoes for 35 to 40 minutes. Remove potatoes with tongs and let cool in cold water. (Remember there’s a reason for the saying, “Drop you like a hot potato.”) Peel all potatoes and cut in half lengthwise.

While potatoes are boiling, dice red onion. Mince garlic clove. Boil 4 eggs for 12 minutes. Peel eggs. Make amarillo paste by melting butter in frying pan, adding peanut oil, and amarillo pepper. Stir constantly until butter melts completely.

Put onion, garlic cloves, 4 eggs (leave 3 eggs for the final step.), amarillo paste, crackers, Monterrey Jack cheese, Cotija cheese, sour cream, milk, lime juice, vegetable oil, sugar, turmeric, and sea salt into blender. Puree all these ingredients until you get a creamy mixture.

Peel the remaining 3 hard-boiled eggs. Slice each egg into 4 pieces. Place a lettuce leaf on each of 6 plates. Top each leaf with 2 potato halves. Place an egg slice on top of each potato half. Pour the creamy mixture all over each potato half.

Serve and enjoy to people and telemarketers everywhere.

TIDBITS

1) Peru rocks the culinary world with over 300 varieties of potatoes.

2) Belgium has over 300 types of beer.

3) Coincidence? Perhaps.

4) Peru makes all sorts of tasty potato dishes to enjoy. Antarctica makes none. No nuclear missiles target either land mass.

5) Russia specializes in making vodka with potatoes. There are hundreds and hundreds of nuclear missiles pointed at Russia.

6) The connection between the threat of nuclear annihilation and potato cuisine is still unclear.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Mothers’ Day Meal – Doro Wat, Ethiopian Chicken Stew

Posted on May 13, 2012 by pauldelancey

Ethiopian Entree

DORO WAT
(Chicken stew)

INGREDIENTSdorowat-

2 pounds chicken breast
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 teaspoon salt
4 garlic cloves
1 1/2 medium yellow onions
1 cup water
3 tablespoons butter
1/2 teaspoon allspice
3 tablespoons Berbere spice mix (See recipe for BERBERE SPICE MIX INGREDIENTS, if you can’t find the mix)
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/2 teaspoon coriander
1/2 teaspoon fenugreek
1 teaspoon ginger
1 tablespoon paprika
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons turmeric
1/4 cup red wine
6 eggs
2 Roma tomatoes
2 cups lettuce
6 pita breads

Goes well with injera, Ethiopian flat bread.

UTENSIL

Dutch oven

PREPARATION

Cut chicken into 1-inch cubes and put into mixing bowl. Add lemon juice and salt. Mix with hands until all chicken cubes are coated with juice and salt. Set aside for at least 10 minutes.
Dice onions and cloves.

Heat butter in Dutch oven on medium heat until melted for about a minute or until melted. Add garlic, onions, water, allspice, Berbere spice mix, cayenne pepper, coriander, fenugreek, ginger, paprika, salt, and turmeric. Cook on medium-high heat for about 5 minutes or until onions and garlic are tender. Add red wine and chicken. Mix with spoon.

Random happy face : )

Cover. Cook stew on low heat for about 60 minutes, or until chicken is tender, changed color inside, and you are so powerful hungry you find yourself drooling over the prospect of a lutefisk meal.

Meanwhile back at the range, boil 6 eggs. Remove eggs and let them cool. Peel eggs and cut each one into 4 slices. Cut 2 Roma tomatoes into about 8 slices each. (Cut 2 more tomatoes into slices if your significant other ate the first slices while you were preparing the rest of the meal.)

Shred enough lettuce to make 2 cups. (This is aerobic exercise. Take advantage of it. The Olympics will soon be reaching out to you.)

Put stew in pita pocket or fold pita bread. Add lettuce and tomato and egg slices. Pat yourself on the back. (Put down that hot spoon first.) Serve.

TIDBITS

1) Ethiopia is the birthplace of coffee.

2) Millions and millions of people in America drink coffee.

3) Many of them do so for coffee’s taste.

4) Pause and reflect.

5) Our entire economy would tank if we didn’t have coffee keeping our workers awake.

6) There would be a world-wide depression.

7) Thank goodness for Ethiopia.

8) Could we send them a nice beverage in return, like root beer?

9) Many Ethiopian women feed their menfolk with their fingers as a sign of love and devotion.

10) Presumably Ethiopian women could also serve their men beverages with their fingers as sign of “Hit the road, Jack.”

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Cheese Quesadilla

Posted on April 5, 2012 by pauldelancey

Mexican Entree

CHEESE QUESADILLA

INGREDIENTSCheesQu-

8 small flour tortillas
2 cups grated four Mexican cheeses
1 red bell pepper
1 green bell pepper
1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro
1 tablespoon melted butter
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
8 tablespoons salsa
4 tablespoons sour cream

PREPARATION

Dice red bell pepper, green bell pepper, and cilantro.

Mix melted butter and vegetable oil and coat one side of each tortilla. Put the oil sides face down. Sprinkle cheese, peppers, cilantro, salsa, and sour cream evenly over four tortillas.

Put the four remaining tortillas oil side face up on top of the ingredient-covered tortillas.

SPRAY ANY PAN OR COOKING DISH LIBERALLY WITH NO-STICK COOKING SPRAY. If not, your quesadilla may very well stick to the pan causing it to explode in an amazing spectrum of flying colors when you try to remove it or flip it over for even browning.

Use small tortillas until you have become quite adept at flipping hot foods. A quesadilla that is much bigger than your spatula may indeed result in the quesadilla falling apart or in melted cheese oozing down your wrist. (Your adoring children will learn new words as you plunge your burning hand under the blessed cold-water faucet. They’ll proudly repeat them at school. You’ll get a call from the principal.) Size matters.

Grill or fry the quesadillas until golden brown, or about 90 seconds per side. As always, pay careful attention as the browning period is swiftly followed by burning. You may also bake them in an oven at 400 degrees for 5 to 10 minutes. Baking, however, quickly uses up a lot of dishes.

1) The Spanish language considers “ll” to be a letter.

2) A meteorite striking Mexico’s Yucatan Peninsula could very well have resulted in the extinction of the dinosaurs.

3) Tidbits 1 and 2 are apparently unrelated.

4) Chocolate came from Mexico.

5) My wife said this was the best quesadilla she ever had. And she cleaned up the cyclone of dishes made by this recipe.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Chicken Scallopini From Cookbook

Posted on March 31, 2012 by pauldelancey

Italian Entree

CHICKEN SCALLOPINI

INGREDIENTS

2 garlic cloves
2 chicken breasts
1/4 cup flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon sage
2 tablespoons butter
1/4 cup chicken broth
3 tablespoons water
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon drained capers
1 tablespoon flour
3/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1 teaspoon parsley

(Possibly 2 teaspoons more olive oil. See 3rd paragraph below.)

SPECIAL UTENSIL

cooking mallet

PREPARATION

Mince garlic cloves. Pound chicken breasts to 1/4-inch thickness with clean cooking mallet. If you don’t have such a cooking tool, try putting a few sheets of wax paper on top of the chicken and whack away with a blunt instrument. (And sing, “If I had a hammer, I’d make Chicken Scallopini…” But don’t let your guests hear this. They just might sneak away before the second verse.)

Combine flour, salt, pepper, and sage in mixing bowl. Coat the chicken breasts with this mixture. Cut each breast into three cutlets.

Put broth, water, lemon juice, capers, and flour in second mixing bowl. Mix sauce thoroughly.

Melt butter in no-stick frying pan. Cook on medium high and add olive oil. Place as many cutlets as possible into frying pan. Cook for up to 2 minutes on each side or until chicken turns completely white. Add 1 teaspoon olive oil to the pan each time you cook another batch of chicken cutlets. Remove chicken.

Pour broth/caper sauce into frying pan. Heat on medium high for 1 to 2 minutes or until sauce boils and thickens. Pour sauce over chicken cutlets. Sprinkle Parmesan and parsley over the chicken.

Serve dish to wildly applauding guests. (If they don’t applaud, you still have that mallet, don’t you?)

TIDBITS

1) I read that in 1969 America had 3 billion surplus eggs.

2) Where did they go?

3) Chickens can have four or five toes on each foot.

4) This is probably why you can’t find shoes to fit your chicken.

5) Chicken Little thought the sky was falling. Was this from a meteorite shower? Did Chicken Little collaborate with Sir Edmund Halley?

6) A chicken can live without a brain for a short time.

7) People cannot, contrary to what relatives might say.

8) It is illegal to eat chickens in Gainesville, Georgia without a fork.

9) Chickens can run at a speed of nine miles per hour. If you could get a chicken to run around a track for a mile, it could complete its task in 6 minutes 40 seconds.

10) In high school I could run the mile in 7 minutes 37 seconds. Thank goodness, that chicken in the next lane stopped to peck for worms.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Egg-White Burrito

Posted on March 24, 2012 by pauldelancey

Mexican Entree

EGG-WHITE BURRITO

INGREDIENTS

1 8 ounce can red beans
6 egg whites
1/2 teaspoon Berbere spice (See recipe for Berbere if needed.)
1/2 cup Four Mexican cheeses
2 8-inch flour tortillas

UTENSIL

no-stick frying pan

PREPARATION

Cook red beans on medium-high heat for about 3 minutes or until sufficiently warm. (If they burn your tongue, they’re too hot. Let them cool.)

Combine egg whites and Berbere spice in mixing bowl. Beat egg whites with a whisk. (Sometimes all it takes to defeat an egg is a short but stern look.) Put whites in no-stick frying pan and cook on medium heat until egg whites solidify.

Divide the red beans, egg whites, and cheese between the two tortillas. Fold in the sides of the tortillas and roll up from the bottom.

This simple, but tasty dish is a favorite among the tight-knit Moroccan-Mexican community of Poway, California. Olé, ens Allah.

TIDBITS

1) White shelled eggs are laid by hens with white feathers and white ear lobes.

2) Chicken have ear lobes! My goodness, who knew. Do hens wear earrings?

3) Brown shelled eggs are made by hens with red feathers and red ear lobes.

4) I can’t get over it. Chickens have ear lobes. Why?

5) According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came first.

6) Chinese chickens lay about 160 billions eggs a year. American chickens produce 65 billion over the same period.

7) There are 6 million people in Libya. If all of China’s and America’s eggs were exported to Libya, the people there would need to eat 3,667 eggs a year, or 10 a day.

8) I suspect Libyans would get tired of eating that many eggs and would start having egg fights all over the place.

9) May I suggest visiting Morocco instead?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hawaiian Hot Dog Recipe from the cookbook, “Eat Me”

Posted on March 22, 2012 by pauldelancey

Hawaiian Entree

HAWAIIAN HOT DOG

INGREDIENTS

6 frankfurters
1 white onion
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons cornstarch
2 cups crushed pineapple with juice
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
1/2 teaspoon turmeric
1/4 teaspoon cumin
1/4 teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
1 cup brown sugar
3 slices bacon
6 hot dog buns

PREPARATION

Put franks in pot. Bring to boil. Reduce heat to medium and cook for about 15 minutes. Cut bacon slices in half. Fry bacon on medium-high until it starts to become crispy or golden brown. Toast buns. (This does not mean to sit down on a hot pad.)

Mince onion. Melt butter in saucepan. Saute onions in butter until soft. Add cornstarch, pineapple with juice, cider vinegar, turmeric, cumin, meat spice, and sugar.

Put frank in hot dog bun. Put a half slice of bacon alongside the frank. Put a big spoonful of onion/pineapple/sugar mixture on top of everything.

TIDBITS

1) And to those who think government studies don’t reek of excitement . . .

“There were a number of significant items from the USDA Frankfurter Study. Notably, the USDA-ARS package rinse method, developed to facilitate this study, was six times more effective at recovering Listeria from frankfurter packages than the currently approved USDA-FSIS method.”

2) Take a deep breath. Drink some ice-cold root beer and sit down until your heart stops beating like a jackhammer. Okay?

“Using the ARS method, analyses of the 32,800 one-pound packages indicated 543 or 1.6% (range = 0 to 16% for the 12 plants) tested positive for L monocytogenes.” And so on.

– USDA Agricultural Research Service (ARS) Eastern Regional Research Center (ERRC) Spring 2003. “Microbial Food Safety Research Unit: Special Projects Team at ERRC.”

3) Even the attribution to this article is sexy.

4) I found this article by Googling “fun facts about hot dogs.”

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Turkey Burgers From Cookbook

Posted on February 22, 2012 by pauldelancey

American Entree

TURKEY BURGERS

INGREDIENTSTurkBur-

1 1/2 pounds of ground turkey meat
1 onion
1/4 green bell peppers
2 green onion stalks
2 tablespoons garlic salt
1/2 tablespoons cumin
8 potato hamburger buns – top and bottom
1/4 head of lettuce, washed
1 cup of grated four-cheese blend
1 ketchup bottle
water
extra virgin olive oil

SPECIALTY UTENSILS
spatula
sonic obliterator
four-slice toaster

TOASTING THE BUNS

You really need a four-slice toaster. You simply cannot feed turkey burgers to a hungry horde of anguine’s with a two-hole toaster. Don’t do four bun halves, two whole buns, and rest on your laurels.

(You say you need more immediate motivation? Pretend the members of your brood have become ravenous cannibals ready to sink their razor-sharp canines into your haunches unless they get their turkey burgers.) Keep on toasting.

(And DON’T, DON’T, microwave anything while toasting. You’ll trip your circuit breaker and you’ll have to dash outside and flip the circuits. This is one reason against cooking in the nude. The other being that grease splatters.)

PREPARING THE ONION

Remove the skin. It adds nothing to the taste, is papery, and gets stuck between your teeth. How can you concentrate on your boss’s story about mango harvesting in Tahiti when you have onion skin between your first and second molars annoying the heck out of you? Remove the skin, now.

Also cut off the root part at the bottom. It’s edible ,I suppose, but hardly tasty. If the onion has a big, green sprout in the middle, it’s because you bought it when Nixon was in office and is no longer edible.

PREPARING THE GREEN BELL PEPPERS

It really helps if you have a prepared green bell pepper left over from last night’s culinary extravaganza, made from the chapter on stuffed green peppers, for example. If not, cut the top off the green bell pepper and discard, or at least discard the stem. Scoop out the innards of the pepper seeds and those four vertical, soft whitish columns and throw them away. Chop up the pepper and put it in a pan. Coat the pieces with olive oil. Use extra-virgin olive oil. (That’s the most virgin you can get, unless you went through school studying economics.)

Cook the green bell pepper. This process is called sauteeing. (See, you’re picking up the vocabulary. Mais oui. C’est magnifique, n’est ce pas? Ho, ho, ho.)

CHOPPING UP THE VEGGIES

You really must get yourself a food processor, big or small, one with two little whirling blades. This little gizmo will make chopping up or mincing the veggies so much faster than cutting them up with a knife. If your knife is blunt, this task takes forever. And a sharp knife is just too tempting for a spouse sulking over your latest big purchase.

Get a food processor. Mince the green onions. Mince the onions. Onions are big. Be sure to cut it up into at least four sections before putting it into the processor. Chop up the bell peppers.

SPICING

The above list of spices assumes you like the same amount of spices as I do. So experiment. Once you become adept at cooking, you’ll be able to smell the correct amount of spice to add as you mix.

PREPARING THE BURGER

Get a big bowl. Put the ingredients except the bun and water into it. Mix. Mix with your hands until everything is thoroughly mixed. Your hands will get extremely messy.

(Midway through the mixing is, of course, the time someone will knock on your front door to ask you if you want your trees trimmed, even if you don’t have any. In the meantime you have dropped turkey meat all over that hard-to-justify-buying Persian carpet and of course, on the front doorknob.

This is the time to say, “Excuse me, I’ll just be a moment.” Go back to the kitchen table, pick up the sonic obliterator, and annihilate the would-be tree trimmer. Wipe up and pick up all bits of turkey meat on the way back to the kitchen.)

THE TURKEY-BURGER PATTIES

Make four patties and put them in your pan. The patties should not be much bigger than your spatula or they might fall apart when turned over.

Turn the heat to high to get things going and gradually turn it down to medium or medium high. The higher you set the temperature, the more closely you’ll need to watch the patties and turn them over.

Turkey meat turns white when cooked. The outside turns white before the inside does. So how do you know when it’s done? It’s perfectly acceptable for a chef, particularly one that’s starting out, to cut a small piece near the edge and look at it and taste it. If the inside of the piece is white, then it is done. Remember, if no one saw you taste the burger, then it didn’t happen.

(By the way, it is a matter between you and your God about what to do if you should drop an entire patty on the floor. Consider the cleanliness of your floor and the likeability of your guests in making your decision.)

You must flip the burgers repeatedly with your spatula. If you do not do so, the water will rise to the top of the burger and evaporate, making the burger too dry to eat. Flipping puts the water that has almost escaped on the bottom of the burger again.

Consider occasionally sprinkling water on top of the patty and pouring a thin layer of water into the pan. This adds moisture to the burger and a moist burger is a yummy burger.

ASSEMBLING THE TURKEY BURGER

Put the bottom bun–it’s flat–on the plate. Put the cooked patty on the bun and the lettuce atop the patty. (There are some heretics who put the lettuce on first, but they are being hunted down without mercy.) Sprinkle the cheese on next. If you are adventurous, pour on some ketchup. Place the top bun–-it’s dome- shaped–-on next.

You are now a culinary hero to your guests.

TIDBITS

1)A Hamburger is someone from Hamburg, Germany. The term “hamburger” derives from this city. A Berliner is someone from Berlin. Berliner is also the name of a jelly doughnut. Some people think when President Kennedy said in that famous Cold War speech, “Ich bin ein Berliner,” he was actually saying, “I am a jelly doughnut.”

2) The first official listing of a hamburger on a menu occurred at Delmonico’s in New York in 1826.

3) Cheeseburger In Paradise is a great song.

4) “A turkey” is not someone from Turkey. It is a bowling term.

4) The turkey was one of the first animals in North America to be domesticated.

5) Turkeys were called turkeys in the 1500s by English merchants because they thought turkeys came from India and that Turkey owned India. Bozos.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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