history

Slow French Dip Sandwiches

American Entree

SLOW FRENCH DIP SANDWICHES

INGREDIENTS

2 ½ pounds beef loin top sirloin
1½ pounds beef sirloin tip
1 10.5 ounce can condensed French onion soup
1 cup beef stock or broth
½ cup water
8 peppercorns
1 bay leaf
1 teaspoon rosemary
1 teaspoon thyme
2 garlic cloves
1 teaspoon beef base or 1 beef bouillon cube
½ teaspoon sea salt
1 teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
¼ teaspoon black pepper
10 slices provolone cheese or about 10 ounces
5 French rolls

SPECIALTY UTENSIL

3 quart, or larger, slow cooker.

PREPARATION

Cut the top sirloin and the sirloin tip enough so that it will fit inside your slow cooker and be covered with the liquid you will add later. Dice garlic cloves.

In fact, here comes the liquid now. Pour French onion soup, beef stock, and water into slow cooker. And now for addition. Add peppercorns, bay leaf, rosemary, thyme, garlic, beef base, sea salt, meat spice, and pepper. And wait.

And wait. Oh and the turn the cooker on low for 6-to-8 hours. (Egads, you’ll have time to collect all receipts that you’ve stashed all around the house in preparation for tax time. Then you forgot where you put them. Now you have time to find them. Go! Go! Look for those receipts. I’m with you on this one.)

It really pays to get an early start on this one, especially if you are using your cooker for the first time. Many but not all slow cookers will get the job done on low in 6-to-8 hours. (My crock pot however needs to be set on high to cook anything in less time than it takes a city to repair a major street.)

Use spoon with holes in it to remove beef from cooker to serving bowl. Open French rolls. Put a slice of provolone cheese on each half. Use spoon with holes in it to put a generous portion of beef on the roll. Spoon juice remaining in cooker onto open sandwich. Close sandwich. Spoon more juice onto closed French roll. Eat. Dream of Heaven.

TIDBITS

1) The sandwich was invented in 1762 when the Earl of Sandwich was too busy to leave the gambling table to eat. Instead, he had a waiter bring him roast beef between two pieces of bread.

2) See, gambling has been good for society.

3) Indeed, many people believe professional sports came into being because gamblers hired players to be on the team they were backing with their bets.

4) The Earl asked for slices of bread to keep the grease from the roast beef from marking the playing cards.

5) While the Earl earns a spot in any culinary hall of fame, he was indeed a flawed man: opinionated, drunken, corrupt, incompetent, a sex fiend, a Satan worshiper, and all that.

6) There is no word, however, if he over spiced.

7) But he did weaken the Royal Navy to such an extent that the French Fleet beat it in 1781, ensuring America’s victory in the American Revolution.

8) A lot to think about when you bite into your next sandwich.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Powegian Salisbury Steak

American Entree

POWEGIAN SALISBURY STEAK

INGREDIENTS

2 garlic cloves
2 stalks green onion
3/4 pound ground turkey
¼ pound ground beef
1 teaspoon cider vinegar
1 teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
½ teaspoon onion powder
½ teaspoon sage
½ teaspoon basil
½ teaspoon thyme
½ teaspoon coriander
7 ounce can diced tomatoes
1 cup water
1 package, or cube, beef bouillon

PREPARATION

Mince garlic cloves and green onion. Puree diced tomatoes.

Mix ground turkey, ground beef, garlic, green onion, cider vinegar, meat spice, onion powder, sage, basil, thyme, and coriander. Make 4 patties. Fry patties in frying pan on medium-high head. Do this for about three minutes on each side or until meat is no longer pink. Remove patties. (Take time to think clearly on economic issues.)

Add pureed tomatoes, water, and beef bouillon to the pan. Cook on medium heat and blend until bouillon is completely dissolved and mixture is thoroughly blended.

Return the patties to the pan. Spoon sauce over the patties and let the patties and sauce simmer for 5-to-10 minutes.

TIDBITS

1) The 19th century Dr. Salisbury inspired the creation of the Salisbury steak. This fascinating man believed people should eat hamburgers three times a day followed by a cup of hot water.

2) He also believed all food should be thoroughly shredded. The good doctor would have fallen in love with the CuisinartTM food processor I bought yesterday.

3) If I only had a time machine, I surely would go back in time and buy him his very own food processor. Because I’m not giving up my processor, even to a culinary hero.

4) Salisbury Steaks first became popular during the First World War since we were fighting the Germans and hamburgers were created in Hamburg, Germany. So hamburgers became unpatriotic for the duration of the war. War is all hell.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Pineapple Pie

Fijian Dessert

PINEAPPLE PIE

INGREDIENTS

2 egg whites (2 entire eggs used later.)
3 tablespoons sugar

1 ¼ cups minced pineapple (no juice)
¼ cup pineapple juice
4 tablespoons flour
3/4 cup sugar
¼ teaspoon salt
juice from three limes
2 eggs
1 pie crust

PREPARATION

Combine 2 egg whites (The yolks from these eggs are not used here.) and 3 tablespoons sugar in bowl. Beat until thoroughly mixed. Set aside. Squeeze juice out of three limes. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Heat crushed pineapple and pineapple juice on medium heat. Mix in 4 tablespoons flour, sugar, salt, lime juice, and two entire eggs. Heat and stir constantly until eggs are cooked and the mixture thickens. (The phrase “the plot thickens” is of culinary origin. Well, quite possibly.)

Pour pineapple mixture into pie crust. Make sure surface is smooth. Spread egg white mixture evenly over top. Put pie in oven and bake at 350 degrees for about 35 minutes or until top is golden brown. Take pie out to cool. If the hungry horde will let you, put the cooled pie in the fridge to chill. It’s okay if they don’t. It also tastes great warm.

TIDBITS

1) Jim Carrey’s character in the movie, The Truman Show, dreamed of going to Fiji. I have the identical map that adorns his wall in one scene.

2) Why is “fridge” spelled with a “d,” but “refrigerator” spelled without it?

3) Why is a bicycle feminine in French, but a bike is masculine?

4) The idea behind the FrisbeeTM came from pie tins.

5) “A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.” – Mary Poppins

6) At one time British sailors were called “limeys” because they ate limes at sea. This was done to prevent scurvy.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Pizza Crust 2

Italian Entree

PIZZA CRUST

INGREDIENTS

3 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup water
2½ tablespoons vegetable oil
¾ teaspoon sugar
¾ teaspoon salt
2½ teaspoons active dry yeast
no-stick cooking spray

UTENSILS

bread maker
16-inch pizza pan

PREPARATION

Measure out the flour and set aside. Pour the water into the bread maker. If you measure the water before the flour, the flour will stick to the sides of the measuring cup. Not the end of the world, of course, but a minor disruption in The Force, nevertheless.

Add flour, water, oil, sugar, salt, and yeast to the bread maker. Do not put the yeast directly on top of the salt. Salt is bad for yeast and yeast makes the dough rise. (“Ask not what your yeast can do for you. Ask what you can do for your yeast.”)

Set the timer or the menu on the bread maker to “Dough.” Wait the required time, probably a bit more than an hour. In the meantime preheat the oven to 400 degrees and liberally spray the pizza pan with no-stick spray. This will prevent the crust from forming a glue-like bond with the pan. Use this time to chop up any ingredients you’d like to add as toppings.

Take the dough out of the bread maker and roll it out until the dough covers the pizza pan. If you do not possess a rolling pin, any food can will do as long as it is at least 6 inches tall. It is best to spray the can or coat it with a thin layer of flour before spreading the dough.

After rolling, let the dough sit and rise for 30-to-60 minutes.

Add toppings as desired to the top of the dough. Place in the oven. Bake at 400 degrees for about 20 minutes. Ovens vary wildly in cooking times, so be sure to check after about 15 minutes and every few minutes after that. The cheese on top, a most likely ingredient for pizza, will go from golden brown to burnt in a few minutes.

TIDBITS

1) Egyptians used yeast more than 5,000 years ago.

2) Yeast is a tiny microorganism. My apologies to anyone named Yeast.

3) There are three types of yeast: baker’s, brewer’s, and nutritional.

4) The bread slicer was invented in 1912.

5) It’s getting quite difficult to buy bread that doesn’t have the evil high fructose corn syrup as an ingredient.

6) During General Grant’s siege of Vicksburg, Mississippi in 1863, the city’s supplies got so low that bread was made out of peas. It got moldy quickly and was universally considered to be gross.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Food to Die For: Paul’s 365 Meals of Murder, Mayhem, and Mischief – March 15

March 15, Ides of March: A bunch of Roman Republic lovers gathered to stab Julius Caesar. Caesar was dictator or king in all but name and he was taking steps to make it official. The conspiring senators couldn’t countenance such a step. So they surrounded the tyrant and stabbed him to death.

This social stabbing might have caught on. Unfortunately for the cause of merry murdering, Caesar’s generals and friends hunted down the Senate’s assassins and killed many of them. Caesar’s great friend, Marc Anthony, and his heir, vanguished the remaining assassins’ armies. Much blood was shed. The Marc Anthony and Octavian had a tiff that just couldn’t be patched over. Things were said that couldn’t be taken back. Political ambitions burgeoned. After a spell, Octavian’s army and navy crushed those of Anthony and, in a cameo role as Marc’s lover, Cleopatra. Much more blood flowed.

So, Octavian became the Roman Empire’s first emperor. The Republic now existed in name only. So the murders’ act to preserve the Republic sealed its fate. A bit of irony there. Anyway Caesar’s mob assassination proved too closely tied to assasination. The civil wars this deed spawned also welded the idea of social slaughtering to bloody civil wars.

Thus, group murders fell out of fashion for a long, long. But the human spirit is irrepressible. Solitary murders and assassinations stepped out from the shadows of group killing and flourished. No longer did you have to be a member of an elitest clique, everybody could now take up a knife and stab some oppressor. So, maybe a little of the Senator love of a republic survived because of this bloody and fatal political statement. I like to think so. Besides group stabbing sare a no-no in times of pandemics.

The meal you should serve to commerate this day:  Caprese

This Italian entree has all it needs to celebrate the Ides of March. It’s Italian, as were Julius Caesar’s and his assassins. The mozzarella circles represent the togas worn by all those involved in the great event. Slicing the tomatoes represents stabbing  Julius Caesar. See? Combining history with eating can be quite fun.

CAPRESE

INGREDIENTS

1 pound mozzarella cheese
4 vine-ripened tomatoes
¼ teaspoon peppercorns (or black pepper)
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
⅓ cup fresh basil leaves
¼ teaspoon sea salt

Serves 4. Takes 10 minutes.

PREPARATION

There aren’t many ingredients in this dish, so fresh ones are especially important. Slice mozzarella into ¼” circles. Slice tomatoes ¼” thick. Grind peppercorns. Put alternating layers of mozzarella and tomato slices on serving plate until they are all used. Drizzle olive oil over everything and evenly sprinkle your creation with basil leaves, ground pepper, and sea salt.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Pigs in a Buttermilk Blanket

American Entree

PIGS IN A BUTTERMILK BLANKET

INGREDIENTS

1 16-ounce package jumbo buttermilk biscuit dough
1 cup grated Four-Mexican cheeses
8 turkey franks

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Separate the dough into eight pieces. Elongate each dough piece with a rolling pin dusted with flour or simply roll a turkey frank along the dough if any are remaining.

(You don’t have to use turkey franks instead of beef franks or buttermilk biscuits instead of plain ones in this dish. In keeping with this cookbook’s theme of “Cooking with what’s handy,” I used, well, what was handy. You can even use a 10-ounce package of dough, but it will mean thinner blankets for your pigs.)

Sprinkle grated cheese evenly among the eight dough pieces. Put a frank near one end of a dough piece and wrap the dough around the frank. Put this work of art on cookie sheet with the dough overlap on the bottom. Otherwise, the dough will bake apart and you will have “Pigs in a Buttermilk Boat.”

Bake in oven until biscuits are golden brown or about 10 to 15 minutes. This is a bad time to hibernate; monitor your Pigs in a Buttermilk Blanket to make sure they don’t burn or cook unevenly. It’s discouraging to have part of a baked dish be burnt on one side and doughy on the other. You might need to rotate the Pigs at least once. Heat escapes each time you open the oven, so in these cases you might need to cook the dish a minute longer. Remember, vigilance when baking.

TIDBITS

1) This tidbit was eliminated during editing.

2) April 24th is National Pigs in a Blanket Day.

3) This dish is also known somewhere as “Weiner Winks.”

4) The British make Pigs in a Blanket by wrapping up small sausages in bacon.

5) Footballs were originally made from pigs’ bladders. This sounded so gross, people took to calling them pigskins. These early footballs could very well have been the inspiration for air pumps. But footballs made from cows’ bladders would have been huge, while ones coming from chickens would have been tiny. Would Payton Manning have thrown all those touchdown passes if he had been tossing chicken bladders downfield?

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Peruvian Hamburger

Peruvian Entree

PERUVIAN HAMBURGER

INGREDIENTS – AJI AMARILLO SAUCE

1 tablespoon butter
2 stalks green onion
1 tablespoon aji amarillo pepper
1 tablespoon peanut oil (1 tablespoon more in PATTY)
½ cup mayonnaise
¼ cup sour cream
1 tablespoon ketchup
1 tablespoon lime juice
¼ teaspoon sea salt
¼ teaspoon black pepper
¼ teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice

INGREDIENTS – PATTY

3 garlic cloves
2 tablespoons yellow onion
1 aji panca pepper
1 tablespoon peanut oil
1 tablespoon butter
2 teaspoons parsley flakes
1½ pounds ground beef

6 lettuce leaves
6 hamburger buns

PREPARATION OF AJI AMARILLO SAUCE

Dice green onion. Melt butter in medium saucepan. Add green onion, aji amarillo pepper, and peanut oil. Sauté at medium-high heat for about 2 minutes or until all ingredients are well blended. Stir constantly.

Put above sautéed mixture in mixing bowl. Add mayonnaise, sour cream, ketchup, lime juice, sea salt, black pepper, and meat spice. Whisk together.

PREPARATION OF PATTY

Mince garlic cloves, yellow onion, and aji panca pepper. (Keep your aji panca pepper in TupperwareTM. Moths love aji peppers. Who knew they were such gourmands?) Melt butter in pan. Add garlic, yellow onion, aji panca pepper, and peanut oil. Sauté at medium-high for 2 to 3 minutes or until yellow onion softens. Stir constantly.

Combine above sautéed aji-panca-pepper mixture in mixing bowl with ground beef, and parsley flakes. Makes 6 patties.

Fry the patties until no pink color remains. Toast 6 buns. Coat the buns with the aji amarillo sauce. Add a lettuce leaf and patty and assemble the hamburger.

This is great. It is also spicy. Beverages such as milk go well with spicy foods. The milk coats the pain receptors in your mouth.

(This is important information if, for example, you’re in a restaurant in St. Louis with friends of yours from the Department of Economics from the University of Wisconsin and you’re dared to eat a truly spicy pepper.)

TIDBITS

1) Peru has a hamburger chain called Bembos.

2) If I ever get to Peru, I’m going to eat there. After that, I’m going to visit the ancient Incan ruins at Machu Picchu. Did you know there’s a McDonald’s there?

3) Pizarro and his Spanish conquistadors conquered the Incans of Peru in the 1520s.

4) Ancient Peru gave Europe and America the potato. Western Civilization gave Peru the hamburger.

5) Together these two great foods make up that wondrous meal burger and fries.

6) Without Peru and the Incans we could never say, “Would you like fries with that?”

7) So in a way, the Spanish arrival in Peru was a good thing.

8) At least on a culinary level.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Pepper Jack Meatloaf

American Entree

PEPPER JACK MEATLOAF

INGREDIENTS

1 small white onion
1 small red onion
3 garlic cloves
1½ tablespoons olive oil
1½ pounds ground beef
3 large eggs
1 tablespoon parsley
1 green bell pepper
1 green chile
1 14.5 can diced tomatoes
½ teaspoon coriander
1 teaspoon cumin
½ teaspoon tarragon
2 teaspoons fresh cilantro
1 cup grated pepper jack cheese
1½ cups bread crumbs

SPECIAL UTENSIL

8″-x-8″ baking dish

Serves 4. Takes 1 hour 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mince red onion, white onion, and garlic. Add this to olive oil and sauté on medium heat until soft or about 6 minutes. Dice bell pepper and green chile. Combine red onion, white onion, garlic, ground beef, eggs, bell pepper, green chile, diced tomatoes, coriander, cumin, tarragon, cilantro, pepper jack cheese, and bread crumbs. You really need to use your hands to do a good job here.

(Better yet, get your nine-year old to mix this up. He’ll welcome the opportunity to be helpful while getting his hands messy. Take advantage of this willingness before he becomes a teenager.)

OR…dice and mince all the above ingredients and put them all into the oil to sauté at once. This will save six minutes.

(Saving six minutes is particularly useful if there is an accidental nuclear countdown near your home, you’re the only one with the key to abort the launch with the resulting global nuclear war, and you really don’t have the extra six minutes needed to perform this extra culinary step, eat this meal, and get to the missile silo in time.)

Spray 8″-by-8″ baking dish with no-stick cooking spray. Transfer the meat mix to this dish. Smooth the meat until it is a flat as the Kansan prairie. Bake for 50 minutes at 350 degrees. Let cool for 5 minutes.

TIDBITS

1) According to The Tales of the Arabian Nights, coriander is an aphrodisiac.

2) We should all absorb the lessons of great literature.

3) Coriander is also mentioned in the Bible. The Bible does not mention any non-culinary benefits from Tarragon.

4) Indeed, The Good Book commands, “Do not commit adultery.”

5) Sometime in the 1600s, two English publishers came out with a Bible with the exciting command, “Thou Shall Commit Adultery.”

6) The King of England fearing for the morals of his people, outlawed this version of the Bible, and heavily fined the publishers.

7) Editing and correct spicing are musts.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Orange Chicken

Chinese Entree

ORANGE CHICKEN

INGREDIENTS

RICE BED

1½ cups rice
3 cups water (1½ cups more later in SAUCE)
1 green pepper

MARINADE

2 ½ tablespoons rice vinegar (⅓ cup later in SAUCE)
1 green pepper
1 cup flour
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice
1 tablespoon cornstarch (3 tablespoons more later in SAUCE)
4 chicken breasts

SAUCE

1½ cups water
⅓ cup orange juice
⅓ cup rice vinegar
¼ cup soy sauce
1 cup brown sugar
½ teaspoon ginger
1 clove garlic
¼ teaspoon red pepper flakes
½ teaspoon sesame oil

2 tablespoons water
3 tablespoons cornstarch

SPECIAL EQUIPMENT

hammer (If brown sugar is brick hard.)

PREPARATION OF RICE BED

Cook rice according to instructions on accompanying bag. This should take about 30 minutes. Add diced green bell pepper to top of rice while cooking.

PREPARATION OF MARINADE

Cut chicken breasts into 1-inch cubes. This is best done when the chicken is partially thawed. Mince garlic. Dice green pepper. If the brown sugar in its box is as hard as a brick, pound the box until the sugar fragments into little bits or individual granules, or until it cries, “Uncle.”

For the marinade, combine the rice vinegar, flour, salt, poultry spice, and cornstarch in large bowl. Mix thoroughly with whisk or fork. Add chicken cubes to bowl. Mix the chicken cubes with ingredients already in the bowl with your hands until the cubes are thoroughly coated. (Your hands will be considered icky for handshaking, so wash them before greeting anyone except door-to-door salesmen.)

PREPARATION OF SAUCE

Combine the 1½ cups water, orange juice, rice vinegar, soy sauce, pounded-into-submission brown sugar, ginger, garlic, red pepper flakes, and sesame oil. Cook over medium-high heat. Stir frequently. Bring to boil.

Gently-–to avoid being splattered by heated sauce–add the coated chicken cubes until the saucepan is full. Cook on medium-high heat for about 5 minutes, or until the coated cubes are golden brown and the chicken is no longer pink inside. Remove cubes with a spoon with holes in it so as to keep the sauce in the pan. Add remaining chicken cubes until all are cooked.

Add 3 tablespoons cornstarch and 2 tablespoons water to sauce remaining in pan. Stir thoroughly with fork or whisk.

Put rice in bowl. Put cooked chicken cubes on top. Spoon sauce over everything. This is great.

TIDBITS

1) Chickens are eaten all over the world because they are tasty and can be found on all continents except Antarctica.

2) Penguins are only found on one continent, Antarctica. Nobody on the upper six continents eat penguins. Perhaps penguins are protected because they come from a continent that since 1959 has been claimed by no nation.

3) After the British-Argentine war over the Falklands, British fighter pilots flew patrol after patrol over the retaken islands. To relieve boredom, they would fly back and forth over penguin colonies. Thousands and thousands of eyes followed them. After a few minutes of this, the jets would rocket straight up into the air. Thousands of penguins would tilt their heads farther and farther back to follow the jets until they all fell over like bowling pins.

4) I’d bet chickens would like to move en masse to Antarctica where they too would be protected.

5) Of course, that assumes that chickens have the brains to think up such a scheme, could cooperate enough to pull it off, and have enough money to book passage for all of them to Antarctica.

6) As of publication, chickens have shown no such abilities.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Oaxaca Ranchero Pizza

Mexican Entree

OAXACA RANCHERO PIZZA

INGREDIENTS

PIZZA CRUST INGREDIENTS (Or buy at store.)

3 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup water
2½ tablespoons vegetable oil
¾ teaspoon sugar
¾ teaspoon salt
2½ teaspoons active dry yeast
no-stick cooking spray (Don’t forget this.)

TOPPING INGREDIENTS

1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 tablespoon peanut oil
1 pound chicken breast
1 serrano chile
1 jalapeno pepper
1 green bell pepper
1 red bell pepper
2 garlic cloves
1 small onion
1 14.5 ounce can diced tomatoes, drained
½ tablespoon oregano
½ tablespoon cumin
½ teaspoon chili powder
¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper
¾ cup chicken broth

1 avocado
¼ cup cilantro
1 cup crumbled Oaxaca, or queso quesadilla, cheese
1 cup crumbled Cotija cheese
1 cup grated Monterey Jack cheese

SPECIAL UTENSILS

bread maker
A good list so you don’t have to go to the store multiple times.

PREPARATION OF PIZZA DOUGH

Measure out the flour and set aside. Pour the water into the bread maker. If you measure the water before the flour, the flour will stick to the sides of the measuring cup.

Add oil, sugar, salt, and yeast to the bread maker. (You can remember these ingredients by the following anagram, “ossy.” Oh sure, you can use “syso,” but that’s silly.) Do not put the yeast directly on top of the salt. Salt is bad for yeast and yeast makes the dough rise.

Set the timer or the menu on the bread maker to “Dough.” Wait the required time, probably a bit more than an hour. In the meantime liberally spray the pizza pan with no-stick spray. This will prevent the crust from forming a glue-like bond with the pan.

Take the dough and roll it out until the dough covers the pizza pan. If you do not possess a rolling pin, any food can will do as long as it is at least 6 inches tall. It is best to coat the can with a thin layer of flour before spreading the dough.

Put pizza dough on pizza pan already coated with no-stick spray. Sprinkle flour on rolling pin and roll out dough until it covers the pizza pan. After rolling, let the dough sit in a warm place and rise for 30-to-60 minutes. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees

PREPARATION OF TOPPING

While pizza dough is forming in the bread maker, (If it’s foaming in the bread maker, then you’ve probably bought yeast that is really an alien life form bent on taking over the world. With yeast, it really pays to buy name brands.) or while it’s sitting for 30-to-60 minutes, preheat oven to 400 degrees, remove the seeds from the serrano chile, jalapeno pepper, green bell pepper, and red bell pepper. Dice the chicken breast, serrano chile, jalapeno pepper, green bell pepper, red bell pepper, garlic, and onion.

Pour the vegetable oil and peanut oil into a no-stick frying pan and cook at medium-high heat. Add in diced chicken breast, the chiles, green bell pepper, red bell pepper, cloves, onion, diced tomatoes (drained), oregano, cumin, chile powder, and cayenne pepper. Sauté on medium high for about 6 minutes, or until vegetables soften and the chicken is no longer pink. Add in chicken broth and cook on medium heat for about 20 minutes or until sauce thickens. (If it’s too liquidy, it will run off the pizza dough and possibly through the holes, or off the side of pizza pan, and onto the oven itself where it will hiss, burn, and become a small, grayish brick that will take hours to remove. Avoid this hardship and the run-on sentence it engendered by heeding this advice.)

While the above chicken/peppers/tomatoes/spice mixture is cooking, remove the avocado’s skin and take out its pit. Dice the yummy part that is left.

ASSEMBLY

Ladle out the topping mixture and smooth until it is even. Sprinkle the cilantro and three cheeses on top of the mixture.

Put in preheated oven to cook at 400 degrees. Cook for 10 to 18 minutes, or until the crust turns golden brown. (Ovens differ wildly in the time needed to cook dishes, especially pizzas. So, check every few minutes after the minimum of 10 until it is done to your satisfaction.)

Remove pizza and sprinkle avocado bits over the pizza.

TIDBITS

1) Tomatoes were originally cultivated by the Aztecs of Mexico and the Incas of Peru.

2) Spanish conquistadors conquered the Aztecs and Incas in the 15th century.

3) The Aztecs and Incas also had lots of gold.

4) So did these conquests occur because of gold or tomatoes?

5) Tomatoes were transported back to Europe in the 15th century and quickly adopted by the Mediterranean countries.

6) The Protestant English, however, considered the tomato to be poisonous. Catholic Spain tried to invade England in 1588. Was it because of a dispute over tomatoes?

7) Americans felt the same way until the mid-19th century.

8) Why did our attitude change?

9) Probably from watching immigrants eat tomatoes for 300 years without ill effect.

10) The tomato is a fruit. However, in 1893, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled it to be a vegetable, so it could be taxed.

11) Why would vegetables be taxable and not fruit?

12) In the 1980s, the Reagan administration also declared the tomato to be a vegetable, so school lunches would have the necessary vegetable component by including ketchup.

13) “Ma, I ate vegetables at school.”

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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