Monthly Archives: October 2012

“Nobody Attends” Event to be Held in Barrow, Alaska on October 16

Posted on October 11, 2012 by pauldelancey

If you wish to attend by not attending, please RSVP by
e-mailing paulthehero@yahoo.com, commenting on
this blog, or commenting in Facebook on the event
“Nobody Attends.” We are pleased to announce the
musical legend Paul McCartney is highly likely to not
attend and may be persuaded to not sing for us.
Remember the event’s slogan:

“We’re all here because we’re not all there.”

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: Alaska, Barrow, Comic Chef, good food, Nobody Attends, Paul De Lancey, Paul McCartney | Leave a comment

Tomato Drop Soup

Posted on October 11, 2012 by pauldelancey

American Soup

TOMATO DROP SOUP

INGREDIENTS

1 10.75 ounce can condensed tomato soup
10.75 ounces of any water from tap to bottles from Norwegian glaciers
1/2 teaspoon Vegetable MagicTM spice
1/2 teaspoon garlic salt
2 large eggs
3/4 cups Monterey Jack cheese

PREPARATION

Pour condensed soup in pot. (This is easy on a planet with gravity.) Fill empty tomato can with water. Pour water into pot. Sprinkle in vegetable spice and garlic salt. Stir and heat at medium-to-high temperature. Add the eggs as soon as the soup looks like it’s fixing to boil. For consistency’s sake, make sure you break the yolks after you put them in. Stir in the cheese.

Soup is ready to serve when egg yolks are done and cheese is melted. This is so easy. Try it.

TIDBITS

1) This dish is called “Tomato Drop Soup” because you could drop everything into the tomato soup base. I do not, however, recommend dropping the raw eggs into the soup at any great height. Hot soup does nasty things to your skin when it splatters onto you.

2) The cans listed at 10.75 used to be 11 ounces. They might have been 12 ounces at one point. Soup companies and canners in general often prefer to shrink their products rather than raise prices. Fine, but we recipe writers and readers hate this practice.

3) Now that I’m in a slightly foul mood, let me rant about the chickens’ complete inability to lay even the simplest of fractional eggs such as 1/2. I might have made this recipe with 1 1/2 eggs, but the lazy chickens pig-headedly lay entire eggs.

4) When my mother was a young girl, her mother raised chickens. Often Grandma would let the chickens peck for their own food in the backyard lawn. Since the grass was normally too high for the chickens, Grandpa would cut half the lawn one week, as that was all the lawn the chickens needed to inspect, and half the next week. Mom grew up thinking that’s how everyone mowed their lawns.

5) Once rain water got into the chicken feed. The feed fermented. The chickens ate the fermented feed. The chickens got drunk and staggered around, often falling. That would have been something to see.

6) I wonder if that counts as marinating the chickens.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, recipes | Tags: chickens, cookbook, De Lancey, fermented, glaciers, Monterey Jack, Norwegian, recipes, soup, spice, tomato | Leave a comment

Prestigious “Nobody Attends” Event to be Held in Barrow, Alaska on October 16

Posted on October 10, 2012 by pauldelancey

If you wish to attend by not attending, please RSVP by:
e-mailing paulthehero@yahoo.com, commenting on
this blog, or commenting in Facebook on the event
“Nobody Attends.” We are pleased to announce the
musical legend Paul McCartney is highly likely to not
attend and may be persuaded to not sing for us.
Remember the event’s slogan:

“We’re not here because we’re not all there.”

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: humor, obsevations | Tags: Alaska, Barrow, cheezburger, Facebook, Nobody Attends, Paul McCartney | Leave a comment

Machaca Burrito

Posted on October 10, 2012 by pauldelancey

Mexican Entree

MACHACA BURRITO
(Allow 2 to 8 hours to prepare.)

INGREDIENTS

MARINADE

1/2 tablespoon soy sauce
1/2 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoons water
2 tablespoons lime juice
2 garlic cloves
1/2 serrano chile
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon coriander
1/8 teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
2 teaspoons peanut oil
2 teaspoons vegetable oil

COOKING THE MEAT

1 1/2 pounds skirt steak (Use flap steak if your butcher doesn’t have skirt steak. Don’t let your sweetheart catch you chasing skirt around town.)

1/2 onion
1/2 green bell pepper
1/2 red bell pepper
1 serrano chiles
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1/2 cup beef broth
1 7 ounce can diced tomatoes
1/4 teaspoon oregano
1/8 teaspoon cumin
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper

ASSEMBLY

5 large flour tortillas
5 tablespoons sour cream
2 1/2 tablespoons salsa
5 lime wedges
1 1/2 teaspoons fresh cilantro

PREPARATION

This is a dish that proves your dedication as a chef. Lots of ingredients and preparation, but lots of prestige as well. Go for it! Excelsior.

MARINATING STAGE (to be done up to 8 hours before cooking, if you have the time. This will improve the taste.)

Cut the skirt steak into 3 1-pound pieces; this is the traditional way. (The Powegian way is to immediately cut the steak into strips 1/2-inch wide by about 2-inches long. We Powegians have always been culinary rebels.) Mince the garlic cloves. Remove the stem and seeds, and insides of the serrano chiles. Mince the remaining outside of the chiles.

Combine the soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, water, lime juice, garlic, serrano chile, salt, coriander, meat spice, peanut oil, and vegetable oil in big mixing bowl. Put the steak strips in the bowl of marinade. Be sure to thoroughly coat each strip. If you can, completely seal the mixing bowl with a plastic wrap cover and refrigerate for at least 8 hours. (Omigosh, are you late for work? Run!)

COOKING STAGE (Takes at least 2 hours. Did you call in sick so you could make this dish?)

Meanwhile back at the range things are heating up. (Once again employment makes the marinating stage pass quickly. That’s why we go to work.) Dice the onion, red pepper, green pepper, and outsides of two serrano peppers.

Coat the bottom of a large pot with 4 tablespoons vegetable oil. Cook it at medium-heat until hot. Gradually add and sear strips of steak. (Searing means to quickly cook the surfaces of a piece of meat so that it will retain juices in later, slower cooking.) Put seared steak strips aside on a platter. Leave the liquid and any tiny bits of steak in pot for next stage. Don’t throw away flavor!

Add onion, red pepper, green pepper, and serrano peppers to same pan. Saute for 5 minutes. Add beef broth, tomatoes, oregano, cumin, salt, and pepper. Mix thoroughly. Add the marinated meat strips and juice to the pot. Heat at medium-high heat until it boils. (Kick out of the kitchen anyone who disagrees with your definition of boiling. You are the chef. You know.) Cover the pot and simmer for 2 hours.

If your skirt steak is still in three pieces, let it cool down on a cutting board. Now, using two forks or your fingers, shred the meat. Put the shredded steak back in the pot. Stir thoroughly and cook until most of the liquid has evaporated. (Unless, you prefer the Powegian style where the excess juice makes an excellent soup. Ah, Poway!)

ASSEMBLY STAGE

Warm the tortillas in a microwave. Put about 4 tablespoons steak mixture in the center top of the tortilla. Add, if desired, a tablespoon sour cream, a 1/2 tablespoon salsa, and a 1/2 teaspoon of diced cilantro. Take a lime wedge and squirt lime juice on top of the meat.

Fold in the tortilla’s two sides until they touch. Roll from the top of the tortilla down. Repeat this process 10 times and you will have 10 machaca burritos. And if you did recipe the Powegian way, you will have machaca soup as well. Olé.

TIDBITS

1) All recipes demand fresh ingredients such as fresh cilantro. But let’s face it, there WILL be times when you find your blood pressure soaring as you need to go back to the store for the 32nd time for another missing, fresh ingredient. Or worse, your sweetheart has gone shopping for those 31 times and is muttering about going to Home Depot to buy a stainless steel Lizzie BordenTM ax. In moments such as these, it is best to take a more relaxed view of cooking and reach for that small bottle of dried parsley.

2) Just remember one amount of a dried spice usually equals three amounts of fresh spice. This one bit of culinary knowledge has saved countless marriages and lives.

3) It’s also a good idea to scan each recipe all the way through for key words such as “marinade for 8 hours” or “simmer for 2 hours” and allot at least 10 hours for cooking. Do not, do not, try to butter your boss up for a raise with this dish and expect to start cooking an hour before dinner time.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: burrito, chef, cilantro, cookbook, cumin, De Lancey, entree, Lizzie Borden, machaca, marinade, Mexican, Mexico, Poway, recipes, salsa, serrano, skirt steak, tortilla, Worcestshire | Leave a comment

Berbere Stew

Posted on October 9, 2012 by pauldelancey

Ethiopian Entree

BERBERE STEW

INGREDIENTS

1/2 medium yellow onion
1 garlic clove
1/2 russet potato
3 baby carrots
1 1/4 cups water
3/4 cup orange lentils
2 1/4 teaspoons Berbere spice mix (See recipe for BERBERE SPICE MIX INGREDIENTS, if you can’t find the mix)
1 14.5 can diced tomatoes

PREPARATION

You will make your culinary life easy for yourself and everyone else within cussing distance if you soak your lentil beans before starting to cook. (It is a little known fiction that 37% of all aggressive dictators since 1738 ate unsoaked beans at one time or another.)

Anyway, there are two ways to soak your beans. The first way is the “quick soak” method. Soak lentils in 6-to-8 cups of water. Heat on high until water boils. Boil for 2 minutes. Turn off heat and cover for 1 hour. Drain and rinse. The second way is the “slow method.” Soak lentils in 6-to-8 cups of water for at least 6 hours. (This give you time to run marathons in record times with about an hour break in between.) Drain and rinse.

Peel and dice onion, garlic cloves, and potato. Dice baby carrots. Put water, lentils, onion, garlic, potatoes, baby carrots, bebere spice mix in soup pot. Cook over medium-low heat for about 20 minutes or until lentils soften. Stir periodically with increasing frequency as you reach the 20-minute mark.

Let me stress that the time necessary to soften lentils varies with the time it soaked beforehand and the temperature at which they are cooked. So it is quite a good idea and periodically monitor the softness of the lentils. (Too many business mergers have been stopped because one CEO made another CEO wait too long for unsoaked lentils to soften.)

Add diced tomatoes and heat at low-medium heat for another 15 minutes.

Serve in a bowl or over rice on a plate.

1) Cardamom, used to make the Berbere spice mix, costs about $60 a pound.

2) Many of today’s cars weigh about a ton and cost about $25,000.

3) The same car made from cardamom would run you about $120,000.

4) That’s before labor costs. Who knows how much it would cost to hire workers skilled enough to fashion cardamom into an internal combustion engine, tires, windows, steering wheels and all the fixin’s.

5) Saffron costs about $170 an ounce or about one-tenth the price of gold or four times the cost of silver.

6) Thank goodness, keeping up with the Joneses doesn’t mean owning a $5,600,000 saffron car.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, recipes | Tags: Berbere, cardamom, cookbook, culinary, De Lancey, entree, Ethiopia, Ethiopian, fun, gold, lentils, onion, orange lentils, recipes, russet potato, saffron, stew, tomatoes | Leave a comment

Bacon & Chocolate Party Offers FCC Post To Big Bird

Posted on October 8, 2012 by pauldelancey

Years of gainful employment may be no more for America’s big bird if Romney wins the election in November. We must not let this happen. How you ask?

By voting Bacon & Chocolate Party in November. When B&C wins and I become the president, I shall appoint Big Bird to head the Federal Communications Commission. With Big Bird heading that department, no action against any Sesame Street character will be possible.

Vote Bacon & Chocolate for Big Bird and a Tasty Tomorrow.
(Note: tomorrow will not be tasty because we will be roasting and eating Big Bird. That is a misread of the above slogan. Tomorrow will be tasty because of our pro bacon-and-chocolate policies. Geez!)

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: Bacon & Chocolate, politics | Leave a comment

Fish-Stick Tacos

Posted on October 7, 2012 by pauldelancey

Mexican Entree

FISH-STICK TACOS

INGREDIENTS

9 small fish sticks
1/2 medium onion
1 garlic clove
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon Seafood MagicTM spice
2 tablespoons butter
grated four Mexican cheeses
3 taco shells
1/2 cup lettuce
salsa is optional

PREPARATION

Mince the onion and garlic in a food processor. Melt butter in sauce pan. Add onion, garlic, cumin and fish spice. Cook on medium until tender. Be sure to throughly blend in the spices. Stir frequently enough to avoid burning.

Cook the fish sticks as directed on its package. Note that many large ovens take a longer time to cook than directed while smoke billowing out of your toaster oven will forcefully suggest that it cooks food somewhat faster than you expect. Fish sticks can go past your desired level of crispiness to cinders faster than kids unwrap presents on Christmas, so check on them often. In fact, it’s always a good idea to cook in an oven with a window. (Ugh. It sounds as if I want to you cook yourself in an oven. Or cook with a window. I meant to say, “… to cook your food in an oven that has a window.” For heavens sake.)

Put three fish sticks in taco shell. Top with desired amount of onion/garlic/spices mix, grated cheeses, and lettuce. Add salsa.

TIDBITS

1) My grandmother came from Sonora, Mexico, an inland province. I never even heard of fish tacos until a few decades ago. I suspect my grandparents and parents were trying to shelter me from something.

2) Don’t be tempted to pick those fish sticks off the searing-hot cooking tray with your fingers. You’ll only make that mistake once.

3) Fish sticks were supposed to have been made out of herring, but people preferred the blander cod.

4) Fish sticks are a popular item on children’s menus.

5) So are macaroni and corn. Fish sticks, macaroni, and corn comprise Kid CuisinesTM Deep Sea Adventure Fish Stick MealTM. Give your kids this when you and your spouse wish to go out on a dinner date. You’ll feel good about yourself knowing that you gave them a restaurant kids’ meal at a fraction of the cost.

6) Fish sticks were first called, “fish fingers.” “Fish sticks” makes more sense. But then again, “chicken sticks” makes more sense than “chicken tenders.”

7) According to the Codex Standard For Frozen Fish Sticks (Fish Fingers), Fish Portions and Fish Fillets – Breaded or in Batter,

“Codex Stan 166 – 1989

“2.1.1 A fish stick (fish finger) is the product including the coating weighing not less than 20g and not more than 50g shaped so the length is not less than three times the greatest width. Each stick shall be not less than 10mm thick.”

Whew! Thank goodness some governmental agency is looking out after somebody. I was worried that the fish stick industry was the Wild West.

8) However, the amount of mercury that may be eaten in fish is subject only to a federal advisory.

9) Mercury is no longer used in thermometers due the danger it presented to small kids who might break the fragile instrument.

10) Indeed, it is impossible to find a thermometer containing any type of mercury-carrying fish. This shows the fear the thermometer industry has toward even trace amounts of mercury.

Years of gainful employment may be no more for America’s big bird if Romney wins the election in November.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: Christmas, cookbook, cumin, De Lancey, entree, federal, fish sticks, Kid Cuisines, Mexican, Mexico, recipes, salsa, Sonora, tacos, Wild West | Leave a comment

Candidate De Lancey Is Thrashing Obama and Romney in On-line Debate.

Posted on October 6, 2012 by pauldelancey

.Candidates Obama, Romney, and De Lancey are at this very moment debating in Helsingor, Denmark Join the debate by logging in at Facebook and friending Paul De Lancey. So far, De Lancey’s verbal jabs are leaving Obama and Romney speechless.

Note: This debate was supposed to have been held on Halloween, but I typed in the wrong date. Sorry.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: Bacon & Chocolate, Paul De Lancey, politics | Tags: Chef Paul, cookbook, De Lancey, Denmark, Facebook, Halloween, Helsingor, Obama, Romney | 1 Comment

50 Ways To Cook Your Bacon

Posted on October 6, 2012 by pauldelancey

With apologies to Paul Simon and his 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

“The problem is the cold in your fridge”, she said at last
The answer is easy if you thaw it out not last
I’d like to help you serve us good grub for breakfast
There must be fifty ways to cook your bacon

She said it’s really not my habit to be stern
Furthermore, I hope my frying won’t splatter you, make you burn
But I’ll cook a new batch, if you’ll let me have a turn
There must be fifty ways to cook your bacon
Fifty ways to cook your bacon

Don’t cut off the fat, Jack
Grab the old pan, Stan
You don’t need to eat soy, Roy
Just serve it with brie.
Eat without fuss, Gus
You don’t need a big napkin
Just eat in a tree, Lee
And eat it with glee.
[
Ooo leave on the fat, Jack
Grab the old pan, Stan
You don’t need to eat soy, Roy
Just serve it with brie.
Eat without fuss, Gus
You don’t need a big napkin
Just eat in a tree, Lee
And eat it with glee.

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was a cold ice pack and some aspirin for your brain.
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don’t we just buy lemon with some quid.
Cuz’ I believe next morning you’ll cook bacon with a lid
And then she kissed me and come morn’ that it is what I did.
There must be fifty ways to cook your bacon
Fifty ways to leave your bacon

You just don’t cut off the fat, Jack
Grab the old pan, Stan
You don’t need to eat soy, Roy
Just serve it with brie.
Eat without fuss, Gus
You don’t need a big napkin
Just eat in a tree, Lee
And eat it with glee.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: Bacon & Chocolate, Following Good Food, food | Tags: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover, aspirin, bacon, brain, brie, Comic Chef, fifty ways, ice pack, napkin, Paul De Lancey, Paul Simon, squid | Leave a comment

Cuban Stuffed Peppers

Posted on October 5, 2012 by pauldelancey

Cuban Entree

CUBAN STUFFED PEPPERS

INGREDIENTS

4 garlic cloves
1/3 medium onion
1 cup cooked rice
2 cups water

1/2 pound ground beef
1/2 pound ground turkey
2 teaspoons olive oil

1 14.5 ounce can diced tomatoes
1 7 ounce can diced green chiles
1/4 cup chicken broth
3 tablespoons tomato sauce
2 tablespoons oregano
1 teaspoon sea salt
1/2 teaspoon coriander
1/2 teaspoon pepper

2 green bell peppers (3 total green peppers, 2 here and 1 below)
2 yellow bell pepper
2 red bell pepper (3 total green peppers, 1 here and 2 above)

1 green bell pepper

GUEST APPLIANCE APPEARANCES

microwave
microwavable dishes
sonic obliterator

PREPARATION

Mince onion and garlic cloves. Cook rice according to instructions on package.

Combine garlic, onion, cooked rice, beef, turkey, and oil in frying pan. Cook on medium-high heat until beef is no longer pink. Stir occasionally. Add in diced tomatoes, green chiles, chicken broth, tomato sauce, oregano, salt, coriander, and pepper. Bring to boil while stirring frequently. Reduce heat to low and cook uncovered for 15 to 20 minutes. Stir occasionally.

Meanwhile back at chopping board, cut the tops off 2 green peppers, 2 yellow bell peppers, and 2 red bell peppers. Scoop out seeds and white soft part of peppers. (Get rid of these seeds and all with your sonic obliterator.) Put as many bell-pepper halves in a microwave-safe baking dish. (You might need more than one such dish.) Add water to baking dish until water is level with tops of bell peppers. Fill the insides of the bell-pepper halves with water as well. Microwave for about 8 minutes or until bell-peppers are crisp-tender.

Remove peppers from baking dish and drain the water from them. Put equal amounts of meat mixture into and on top of each pepper half.

If desired, chop remaining green bell pepper into small strips for garnishing the filled bell peppers.

TIDBITS

1) Christopher Columbus brought cattle with him on his epic voyage of discovery in 1492. Cuba probably had cattle by 1493.

2) However, Hernando Cortez was the first to bring cattle to North America in 1519.

3) So, Cuba had a twenty-six year head start over North America in the race to develop the first hamburger.

4) The hamburger patty was developed in the German town of Hamburg in the early 1800s. The culinary world was indeed standing on a mountain gazing into the promised land of the hamburger.

5) German immigrants brought the hamburger patty to America. American can-do spirit applied itself and the first complete was first served at Delmonico’s in New York in 1826 or 1834 or perhaps even 1871 in San Francisco, depending on which historical research you trust. Culinary greatness had been achieved.

6) Oh sure, America has done bad things as well. Slavery, fill-in-the bubble tests, and long lines at the DMV come to mind.

7) Cuba has had its problems as well with slavery and dictatorship and although it didn’t discover the hamburger it can hold its culinary head high with its Cuban sandwich and this recipe’s dish, the Cuban stuffed peppers.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, history, humor, international | Tags: beef, broth, Chef Paul, Columbus, cookbook, coriander, Cortez, Cuba, Cuban, De Lancey, DMV, entree, garlic, Hamburg, hamburger, North America, peppers, recipes, slavery, sonic obliterator, stuffed peppers, turkey | Leave a comment

Monthly Archives: October 2012

“Nobody Attends” Event to be Held in Barrow, Alaska on October 16