Monthly Archives: August 2012

Eggs Benedict

American Entree

EGGS BENEDICT

INGREDIENTS

16 tablespoons or 2 sticks butter
6 egg yolks
1/4 cup sugar
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1/4 teaspoon thyme

8 slices Canadian bacon
8 eggs
2 teaspoons white vinegar
2 teaspoons rice vinegar
4 English muffins
2 sticks butter

Note: this recipe is made for people allergic to undercooked eggs. If you prefer runnier eggs, please halve the times below.

PREPARATION

Melt two sticks of butter in sauce pan. Add 6 egg yolks, lemon juice, salt, cayenne, Worcestershire sauce, and thyme. Mix thoroughly with whisk. Cook on medium high for 6 minutes or until sauce thickens. Stir frequently.

While sauce is cooking, put bacon in frying pan. Cook on medium heat for about 8 minutes flipping the bacon (BACON!) occasionally until both sides turn brown.

While you are cooking the sauce and frying the bacon, (BACON!) start poaching the eggs. Fill a large sauce pan 2/3 to the top with water. Add rice vinegar and white vinegar. Lower the heat until low and wait until the surface of the water is smooth. (You most certainly do not want to be burnt with bubbling water when you add the eggs.) Crack the shells and slide the eggs in the water. Raise the heat to medium and cook for 8 minutes.

In the spare seconds between attending to the sauce, bacon, and poached eggs, toast 4 English muffins or 8 half muffins. (As you can see this is not a dish where you can safely read Moby Dick.)

Butter the cranny-filled side of a muffin half. Add a slice of Canadian bacon, then a poached egg. (Use a spoon with holes in it to retrieve the egg.) Top with Hollandaise sauce.

Be sure to thank vigorously anyone who helps you clean up after this one. If your date cooks you this dish and has everything completely cleaned up by serving time, consider proposing.

TIDBITS

1) Canadian Bacon comes from Canada. Canada has lot of “a”s in it.

2) So does the Mexican city of Guadalajara.

3) America went to war with Mexico in 1846. As a result, America won the entire southwest part of the modern U.S.

4) America never went to war with Canada. Oh sure, we invaded it in 1812, but it was still part of Britain. That war ended in a tie. We got nothing.

5) Maybe it’s because Guadalajara has one more “a” in it than Canada.

6) But everything’s okay now between America and Canada.

7) But who is Benedict and why did he get eggs named after him? Seems like a great idea for product placement.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Powegian Peanut Noodle Soup

American Soup

POWEGIAN PEANUT NOODLE SOUP

INGREDIENTS

3 chicken frankfurters
2 10.5 ounce cans condensed chicken noodle soup
2 10.5 ounce cans filled with water
1/2 cup creamy peanut butter
1 tablespoon sesame oil
1 teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice
3 eggs

PREPARATION

Chop frankfurters into pieces about 1/2-inch long. Pour condensed chicken noodle soup into soup pot along with the same amount of water. Add peanut butter, sesame oil, and poultry spice.

Peanut butter is sticky. It sticks to the roof of your mouth and to your measuring cups. You can overcome this vexing property by coating your measuring cup with a thin layer of vegetable oil before measuring. The oil should make the peanut butter slide easily out of the measuring cup and into the pot. If only all of life’s problems were so easily solved.

Cook soup for about 5 minutes on medium-high, stirring occasionally. Add eggs. Increase heat to high until soup boils. Stir frequently until eggs are cooked to your liking.

Keep cookbook open by placing soup  can in the space below.

TIDBITS

1) One of my favorite restaurants from my boyhood is The North Woods Inn near my boyhood home in Arcadia. The owners encouraged their customers to throw their peanut shells on the floor.

2) The restaurant still exists. It took awhile to convince my two sons that such activity was okay and that they were not taking part in a rumble by doing so. After all, such behavior was not tolerated at home.

3) After awhile, they warmed to the idea and soon peanut shells flew in every direction. And so, a fond childhood memory got passed onto the next generation.

4) Aren’t these tidbits more interesting than the “fun fact” I found online that the peanut is not a nut, but a legume related to lentils and beans.

5) Another “fun fact” is that peanuts are an excellent source of folate.

6) Oh, the excitement! I can’t go on.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Cheese Quesadilla

Mexican Entree

CHEESE QUESADILLA

INGREDIENTS

8 small flour tortillas
2 cups grated four Mexican cheeses
1 red bell pepper
1 green bell pepper
1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro
1 tablespoon melted butter
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
8 tablespoons salsa
4 tablespoons sour cream

PREPARATION

Dice red bell pepper, green bell pepper, and cilantro.

Mix melted butter and vegetable oil and coat one side of each tortilla. Put the oil sides face down. Sprinkle cheese, peppers, cilantro, salsa, and sour cream evenly over four tortillas.

Put the four remaining tortillas oil side face up on top of the ingredient-covered tortillas.

SPRAY ANY PAN OR COOKING DISH LIBERALLY WITH NO-STICK COOKING SPRAY. If not, your quesadilla may very well stick to the pan causing it to explode in an amazing spectrum of flying colors when you try to remove it or flip it over for even browning.

Use small tortillas until you have become quite adept at flipping hot foods. A quesadilla that is much bigger than your spatula may indeed result in the quesadilla falling apart or in melted cheese oozing down your wrist. (Your adoring children will learn new words as you plunge your burning hand under the blessed cold-water faucet. They’ll proudly repeat them at school. You’ll get a call from the principal.) Size matters.

Grill or fry the quesadillas until golden brown, or about 90 seconds per side. As always, pay careful attention as the browning period is swiftly followed by burning. You may also bake them in an oven at 400 degrees for 5 to 10 minutes. Baking, however, quickly uses up a lot of dishes.

1) The Spanish language considers “ll” to be a letter.

2) A meteorite striking Mexico’s Yucatan Peninsula could very well have resulted in the extinction of the dinosaurs.

3) Tidbits 1 and 2 are apparently unrelated.

4) Chocolate came from Mexico.

5) My wife said this was the best quesadilla she ever had. And she cleaned up the cyclone of dishes made by this recipe.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bacon & Chocolate, A Powerful Force

What if the Bacon & Chocolate Party actually influenced this presidential election? Remember the fuss in Florida in 2000? There were several analyses of who should have won that state. One had Al Gore winning by three votes. It’s entirely possible Bacon & Chocolate could get three votes in a state in November

Bacon & Chocolate – For a Tasty and Influential Tomorrow.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Bacon & Chocolate, humor, politics | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Today Is International Zombie Haiku Day

Please mister, zombie
Wouldn’t you rather have some
Nice lamb’s brains instead?

The hungry zombies
Want our brains because they are
All politicians.

What wine goes with brains?
Perhaps a fine rose would do
Because brains are gray.

Ninety-eight percent
Of  my brain remains unused.
You may have that much.

Rejoice, geeks and nerds.
Babes will soon lust for your brains.
They’ll be zombies, though.

Zombies, remember to
Pick up after your trash and
Your detached fingers.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Greek Stuffed Bell Peppers

Greek Entree

STUFFED BELL PEPPERS

INGREDIENTS

1 cup brown rice
6 bell peppers (any color)
2 cups water (diet water is okay)
1 1/2 pounds ground turkey
1 1/2 teaspoons dried basil
1 teaspoon Prudhomme’s Poultry MagicTM pice
1/2 teaspoons Prudhomme’s Vegetable MagicTM spice
0 teaspoons salt (too much salt is bad for you. Boo, salt, boo)
1/2 teaspoons black pepper
olive oil
1/4 teaspoons paprika
pig sweat (not really)
1 sweetheart to help you find all the ingredients. Some of the fixings will be lurking behind jugs of milk in the refrigerator

SPECIALTY ITEM

Rice cooker

PREPARATION

The most important thing in this recipe is having the ingredients. But you do have flexibility. For example, if you don’t have Prudhomme’s Poultry MagicTM spice, use poultry seasoning, coriander, or dill.

The first step is to cut off the tops of the bell peppers and remove the stem and seeds. Fill a pot with water and put a steaming rack over the pot. Put the peppers on the rack. Boil the water in the pot for ten minutes. (Enough time for a three-mile-run if you’re really fast.) All this is done to soften the peppers.

You really ought to know how to cook rice, especially for this recipe. Theoretically, having a rice cooker ought to be idiot-proof. Ha, not for this idiot.

I had never used this rice cooker before. I measured a cup of rice and poured it in. I measured another cup of water and poured it in. There didn’t seem to be as much water as I had thought there would be. I poured another cup. Same result.

The water pooling onto the counter told me something was amiss. “Honey,” I said, “water’s coming out the rice maker.”

She strode into the kitchen, cleaned up the water, looked at the cooker, and at me. “You didn’t put the black plastic pot into the cooker. You probably ruined it.”

“I didn’t know there was a plastic pot,” I said in my defense. My synapses were really firing.

After much spirited debate, I unscrewed the bottom of the cooker and extracted the remaining 223,192 kernels. My wife took the cooker to the bathroom and dried the contraption with a hair dryer. We put it back together, this time with the plastic pot.

Oh, I combined the stupid rice with the turkey meat and all those spices. Mixed them thoroughly with my hands. Don’t shake hands with people while doing this.

Carefully scoop the rice/meat mass into the peppers. Pour some olive oil on top of the peppers and coat the seeds with the oil. Yes, olive oil is oily. If your fingers got coated, you’ll have to wash your hands again. Sprinkle a good amount of paprika on top of the peppers and meat to obtain a nice browning.

Place the stuffed peppers in a baking dish and cook for 35-50 minutes at 350 degrees until the meat is completely cooked. Please do not let anyone fiddle with the timer during the baking. If so, you’ll have to take the peppers out of the oven more than once and poke at the meat to see if it’s done. DO NOT do this without a pot holder.

Any excess rice/meat mass can be combined with ranch beans to make a tasty side dish.

Well, there you have it. These bell peppers made a scrumptious main course. My family loved it. I don’t know if I’ll make it again, though. I’m powerful afraid of that rice cooker.

TIDBITS

1) Asians eat close to forty times as much rice per year as the average American.

2) Although you can puff rice, it does not “pop” as well as popcorn.

3) Rice is a symbol of fertility. That’s why people used to throw handfuls at weddings. The practice stopped when lawyers and insurers stepped in. One might also imagine couples wishing to remain childless objecting.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Spaghetti And Meatballs

Italian Entree

SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS

INGREDIENTS

1 1/2 pounds of ground turkey meat
2 big garlic cloves
1 cup of sourdough bread crumbs
2 jars of spaghetti sauce
12 ounces of spaghetti

COOKING THE SPAGHETTI

Follow the instructions on your bag of spaghetti. Different sizes and types of spaghetti have different cooking instructions.

PREPARING THE MEATBALLS

This dish is relatively forgiving. If it’s too spicy, add some water or tomato sauce. If it isn’t spicy enough add some more. If it’s too “liquidy”–-“liquidy” is a legitimate cooking term–-cook the sauce a little longer. If there isn’t enough sauce add more.

Begin defrosting the turkey meat overnight. This way saves electricity and is better for the environment than defrosting by microwave. Sometimes, however, you just don’t have the time. It’s a good idea to take the meat out of the microwave and remove the defrosted outer meat. If you don’t, you will end up cooking the outer part of your block of turkey meat, making it extremely difficult to make meatballs.

Mince the garlic cloves. Take a slice of sourdough bread and make crumbs out of it. I suggest a food processor as it can make smaller crumbs than you can and it won’t get bored doing it either. Sourdough is the chosen bread in this recipe as it goes well with the garlic and spaghetti sauces.

Mix the meat, cloves, and crumbs together. Make meatballs that are at least 1 inch in diameter and less than two. Meatballs that are more than 2 inches across stand a good chance of resembling a model of the Earth–-a hard crust on the outside, gray in the middle with a reddish core.

Put the meatballs in the pan. Actually, this recipe will make two pans worth, giving a huge, delicious meal or wonderful leftovers that your kids will eat the next day before you get up.

Cook on medium heat. Gradually add spaghetti sauce until the medium balls are covered. Reduce heat to low and cover. You won’t have to turn over the meatballs more than a few times as the sauce atop will keep the moisture in.

You’re ready with your sauce at this point. However, if your noodles are not, if you can’t get your kids to log off Wizard 101 or if your sweetheart is in the middle of a Wii Fit session, it is an extremely good idea to set the heat to warm at most or even shut it off. Stir occasionally and gnash your teeth. Your anger will evaporate with the compliments your hungry brood or guests will give you for this meal.

TIDBITS

1) Pasta was eaten by the Chinese seven-thousand years ago.

2) Cortez brought tomatoes back to Spain from Mexico in 1519. So his conquest of Mexico, while bad for the Aztecs, was a positive boon for the culinary world. No tomato sauces for spaghetti noodles for 5,500 years! Ugh.

3)Pasta was not brought back from China by Marco Polo. Ancient Romans ate this food as well. Dang, yet another example of how boring history can be.

4) Pasta was considered to be peasant food by Italian nobility until around the 19th century.

5) Pasta is an anagram for “pa sat.”

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Chicken Recado Stew

,Belizean Entree

CHICKEN RECADO STEW

INGREDIENTS

2 small red potatoes
2 pounds boneless chicken breasts
5 tablespoons lime juice
1/4 cup barbeque sauce
1 teaspoon thyme
1 teaspoon basil
1 teaspoon white pepper
1 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon crushed red pepper
1 teaspoon coriander
1 teaspoon Jamaican Jerk spice

2 tablespoons red recado (This Belizean spice is found online.)
1 cup chicken broth

1 medium white onion
1 green bell pepper
1 stalk celery
2 stalk green onion.
6 cloves garlic
2 tablespoons vegetable oil

1 1/2 cups brown rice
3 cups water

PREPARATION

Boil potato eighths for about 15 minutes. Cut chicken breasts into bit-sized pieces. Mince onion and green onion and cut each potato into eight bits.

Put chicken bits into mixing bowl. Add lime juice, barbeque sauce, thyme, basil, white pepper, paprika, crushed red pepper, coriander, and Jamaican Jerk spice. (My goodness, I’ve just used up the last of my coriander. Augh! And the Jerk Spice should really be from Belize. I’m no longer spice ready!) Mix the chicken and spices until nearly all of the spices stick to the chicken bits.

Put recado and chicken broth in small bowl. Stir a few times to help the recado dissolve into the broth.

Saute white onion, bell pepper, celery, green onion and garlic in vegetable oil on medium-high heat for about 5 minutes. Add chicken and saute again until the outside of the chicken starts to brown and the inside is completely white. Add recado/chicken broth. Add potatoes, cover, and simmer for another 30 minutes.

Serve with rice (cooked according to instructions on package) to your family, or guests, who will be looking at you with adoration in their eyes.

TIDBITS

1) A thumbless dwarf called El Duende inhabits the Belizean forest and eats children who destroy the wildlife.

2) I wonder, could El Duende develop a taste for lawyers?

3) Belize possesses 900 Mayan sites.

4) If you don’t like ancient stone sites, you’ll be bored at all 900.

5) Coca Cola in Belize is bottled using cane sugar rather than the evil, nasty high-fructose corn syrup. Yay, Belize.

6) A web page about Belize had an advertisement for Alaska Air. Why?

7) In Belize, it is considered rude when coming upon someone for the first time, to greet them using their first name.

8) How on Earth, would you know that person’s first name when first meeting them?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Juice And Sugar-Glazed Ham

American Entree

JUICE AND SUGAR-GLAZED HAM

INGREDIENTS

8.84 pounds spiral-cut ham
1/2 cup pear juice
1/2 cup orange juice
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup honey
1 tablespoons grated orange peel or orange zest
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons honey
1 15-ounce can peach halves

SPECIAL UTENSILS

baster
oven thermometer

Serves 8. Takes 2 hours 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

(If you can’t find a spiral-cut ham that weighs exactly 8.84 pounds, then anything from 6 to 10 pounds will do. Remember improvise, improvise, improvise. For example, if your recipe calls for Moroccan camel cheese to be sprinkled atop your Saharan crepe and your guests are arriving in five minutes and all you have is Four-Mexican cheese blend, use the Mexican cheese. At that point you can hope no one notices the substitution, lie about the substitution, or brag about your ability to cook Moroccan-Mexican fusion.)

Meanwhile back at the recipe, grate an orange peel. Place ham, cut end down, in large baking pan. Cook ham according to directions on its package.

Combine pear juice and orange juice in mixing bowl. After one hour of cooking, take the ham out of the oven and baste the ham with the orange-and-pear-juices mixture. This step really is easiest with a baster. Put ham back in oven.

Take ham out of oven. Combine brown sugar, grated orange peels or orange zest, 1/2 cup honey, and 1/4 cup of drippings from ham in second mixing bowl. Picking up the drippings is easiest and safest with a baster. (If you have already cleaned your mixing bowl, you are an outstanding chef and worthy of the admiration of everyone.) Brush this mixture all over the exposed portion of the ham about an hour before the ham is supposed to be done. (You did save the cooking instructions that came with the ham, didn’t you?) Put ham back in oven.

TIDBITS

1) Eating pig is forbidden to Muslims. Eating beef is forbidden to Hindus. Even biting something cooked in the fat of those animals is impermissible.

2) Cartridges used by the world’s armies in 1856 were often coated in animal grease.

3) In 1856, many of the British Army’s soldiers in India were native Muslims or Hindus. The Moslem soldiers thought their cartridges were coated with pig fat. Religious outrage. The Hindus soldiers felt their bullets were dipped in cow fat. Religious outrage.

4) So the native Indian soldiers rebelled against British rule. Thousands and thousands of people died and many atrocities were committed before the British gained the upper hand.

5) See, proper spicing matters, whether in cooking or maintaining a world-wide empire.

6) If only the British had used duck grease to coat their cartridges. Hardly anyone has religious reservations about duck grease.

7) And everyone likes doughnuts.

8) However, may I recommend frying doughnuts made with vegetable oil, acceptable on every continent? We have a lot of nuclear weapons littering the Earth and the next World War is bound to be a downer.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bacon & Chocolate Party’s Foolproof Plan To End Serious Crime

People committing felonies will not be allowed to have any bacon or chocolate while serving hard time.
I know this is severe, but what person would EVER commit a serious crime knowing the consequence of being without these two delicacies year after year? No one.

I rest my case. What this country needs is tough love.

Vote Bacon & Chocolate in November for a Safe and Tasty Tomorrow.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Bacon & Chocolate, politics | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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