Posts Tagged With: hunks

Not to Do List – Today’s the End of the World

Posted on October 7, 2015 by pauldelancey

My quite helpful not-to-do lists are generally meant to describe normal days, like when the Earth be around. But dedicated people keep telling us that our World is going to end and they can’t always be wrong. In fact, a large number of folks, over six, aver that our planet will be annihilated this very day. This kind of news gives what were not going to do a new urgency. In honor of the last day of our life, here are things I really, really, really won’t be doing today:

1) I will not clean the hardened egg off the frying pan. This really is a tough job. I normally put it off for hours. But now, I can avoid forever. Woo hoo!

2) I will not change my clothes. It’s the apocalypse and I’m greeting it in my comfy jammies.

3) I will not worry about all those End-of-the Earth scenarios. They’ve been narrowed down to one, thank goodness.

4) I will not clean out the garage. This alone makes our mass destruction worthwhile.

5) I will not worry where all those orphan socks from the clothes dryer went to. They’ve gone to a better place.

6) I will not spend another day in a world with Windows 8.

7) I will not remove that big weed that’s miraculously–my gosh, I spell that word correctly on the first try–growing in a crack in the sidewalk in front of my house. We will spend our last day in a spirit of live and let live.

8) I will not eat lutefisk, not even if doing so would prevent that giant Cocoa Pebble from smashing into the Earth. Don’t judge me. Not unless you’ve already eaten lutefisk.

9) I will not hold to my diet today. I’m having a 3 by 3 three-animal style burger, French fries-animal style, and a chocolate milkshake at In-n-Out today.

10) I will not read any software terms-of-agreement.

11) I will not go to Schnecteday, New York.

12) I will not look up the correct spelling of Schnecteday.

13) I will not move the laundry along.

14) I will not change out of my comfortable jammies.

Write and let me know what you didn’t do today.

– Paul R. De Lancey, mystic seer

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor | Tags: apocalyptic, cocoa, Cocoa Pebble, diet, Earth, end, HumorOutcasts, hunks, In-n-Out, jammies, laundry, lutefisk, Lutheran, mass destruction, New York, not to do, orphan socks, pebble, terms of agreement, thriller, weed, Windows 8, world | 7 Comments

Dishwashers: Annoyances in Disguise or the Tools of the Apocalypse?

Posted on October 3, 2015 by pauldelancey

My dishwasher does not properly clean things, particularly glasses with indentations. Oh sure, if I give the dishes a quick rinse beforehand, the dishwasher does tolerably well. If I give the dishes a pre-scrub, the dishwasher does even better. In this case, I can take the washed dishes from the water waster with only a mild post washing scrub. However, if I want the water waster to make my dishes sparkle, all I have to do is wash them completely by hand. So why do we have dishwashers if they make us do all the scrubbing anyway? And, who the heck, likes to put back those dozens of forks, knives, and spoons back in their drawer?

The benign answer is that it’s an alliance between psychiatrists and those people wishing to build desalination plants. Psychiatrists make money if we have emotional problems. If our dishwashers worked the way they should we’d never be upset. But these appliances don’t and so psychiatrists have a steady, lucrative income. (The only other problem that deranges people to the extent that dishwashers do is going to the store for chocolate doughnuts and not finding them. Fortunately, that hasn’t happened since the Chocolate Doughnut riots of Poway, CA in 1949.)

Face it, dishwashers aren’t meant to clean dishes. They are meant to waste water. When water gets wasted we run out of water. When we run out of water we have to build desalination plants. The builders of these plants make billions. So there you have it. The dishwashers just annoy us.

Or do they?

Nations that run out of water, can only survive if they steal water from neighboring countries. To successfully invade someone, you need a strong army. To successfully defend your country, you need a stronger army. To successfully invade a country with a stronger army you again need to beef up your military. A global arms race, both conventional and nuclear, will occur. Inevitably, some one with his finger on the button to launch the nuclear weapons will sneeze. The missiles will take to the sky. The targeted countries will retaliate and soon other nations will join in the fuss. Our world will be annihilated in the Dishwasher Apocalypse.

Bummer.

– Paul R. De Lancey, mystic seer

Categories: humor | Tags: apocalypse, apocalyptic, arms race, army, chocolate, De Lancey, desalination, dishwasher, dishwashers, doughnut, HumorOutcasts, hunks, Lutheran, mushrooms, nuclear, Paul, Poway, psyhciatrists, thriller, water | 2 Comments

Matambre, Argentinian Stuffed Flank Steak

Posted on October 2, 2015 by pauldelancey

Argentinian Entree

MATAMBRE
(stuffed flank steak)

INGREDIENTS

2 pounds flank steak (or skirt steak)
2 eggs
2 carrots
1 celery stalk
2 garlic cloves
1 large onion
2 tablespoons olive oil (2 more tablespoons later)
¼ teaspoon pepper
¾ teaspoon salt
¾ teaspoon parsley
¼ teaspoon thyme
5 ounces spinach
2 tablespoons olive oil
5 cups beef stock
1½ cup red wine

Makes 4 plates. Takes 2 hours.

SPECIAL UTENSILS

Dutch oven
kitchen mallet
kitchen twine

PREPARATION

Butterfly steak if more than 1″ thick by slicing it lengthwise from one side to ½” of the other side. Pound the steak to flatten to less than ½” thick and to even out the thickness. Add eggs to pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Boil for 9 minutes. Remove eggs and let them cool. Peel eggs. Cut each into 4 slice along their lengths. While eggs boil, mince carrots, celery, garlic, and onion. Add carrot, celery, garlic, onion, and 2 tablespoons olive oil to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens.

Rub pepper and salt into butterflied flank steak. Sprinkle carrot/celery/onion mixture, parsley, and thyme over steak leaving a ½” border along the sides. Layer the spinach over the oniony mixture. Top with egg slices.

Tightly roll up steak into a long roll. Tie steak with kitchen twine. Tie at 1″ intervals. Put 2 tablespoons olive oil in second pan. Add steak roll to Dutch oven. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5-to-8 minutes or until steak is golden brown on all sides. Turn steak roll occasionally to ensure even browning. Add beef stock and red wine. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for about 1½ hours or until meat is quite tender. Cover Dutch oven if liquid doesn’t completely cover the steak roll. Turn occasionally to ensure even cooking.

Remove beef and place on cutting board. Cut steak roll crosswise into ½” slices. Add slices to plate. Top with beef stock/wine as desired. Goes well with small boiled potatoes such as Yukon gold. This dish is also quite tasty when served cold. Save the leftover beef stock/wine. It makes an excellent base for soup.

TIDBITS

1) Matambre is an anagram for Beam MartTM.

2) Beam Mart is your one-stop place for all sorts of beams.

3) High beams is quite a popular sport. All of the high beams used in the Olympics are manufactured and sold by Beam Mart.

4) All.

5) India and Pakistan once were the favorites to host the Olympics for a particular year. Both tried to outdo each other with building new, state-of-the-art athletic venues and with wining and dining the Olympic committee. The competition between the two countries grew fierce. Tensions escalated rapidly. The two nations rushed infantry and tanks to their common border. Fighter planes and bombers were armed. Military commands took their “Launching Nuclear Weapons For Idiots” off their bookshelves. Generals started to jaywalk. Things looked grim.

6) Beam Mart stepped in. The company, in no-uncertain terms, told India and Pakistan to back off. If they went to war, Beam Mart would stop supplying high beams. No high beams for practicing, no gold medals for the high beams. No gold medals for the high beams, no prestige at all in the international community. Other nations, Liechtenstein included, would laugh at them. Pooh pooh even.

7) The generals wavered.

8) And no high beams for your fancy automobiles, thundered Beam Mart, if you go to war. But we must have something to show our peoples for all our effects, whimpered the military leaders.

9) So, Beam Mart sold them their famous Beam SmilesTM with only a 10% markup. The leaders of Pakistan and India quickly agreed to a comprehensive peace. And the people of both lands smiled and smiled and beamed and beamed.

10) This happy state of affairs didn’t last forever, of course, but things never again got as tense between these two countries ever again. The leaders know firsthand the power of Beam Mart and make sure never ever again to rattle their sabers so vigorously.

11) Of course, the world still has hot spots. In these cases, at least one of the angry nations has no desire to win Olympic gold medals for the high beams. It seems incredible that countries could act that way, but it’s true. There is a limit to corporate diplomacy, even for Beam Mart.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, history, humor, international | Tags: Argentina, Argentinian, Chef Paul, cookbook, corporate, diplomacy, entree, flank steak, gold medals, HumorOutcasts, hunks, India, Liechtenstein, Lutheran, Matambre, mushrooms, nuclear weapons, Olympics, Pakistan, recipes, tanks, war, wine | 2 Comments

Space Aliens and My Nose

Posted on September 24, 2015 by pauldelancey

People wonder why we never see any space aliens. It’s because they’re all teeny tiny and they fly their UFOs up my nose. My nose thinks the UFOs are pollen and I have allergies to pollen. So, my nose sneezes them out. I, like most people, sneeze at 200 mph, too much force for the itsy bitsy UFOs. The UFOs get obliterated. So we never see the UFOs.

Of course, the big questions is why would teensy weensy aliens repeatedly try to land or dock in my nose. Who knows?

– Paul R. De Lancey, a great sneezer

Categories: humor | Tags: apocalyptic, De Lancey, hilarious, HumorOutcasts, hunks, Lutheran, nose, Paul R. De Lancey, pollen allergies, space aliens, thriller, UFOs | Leave a comment

My Not to Do List – 5

Posted on September 23, 2015 by pauldelancey

I’m continuing with my virtuous inertia. Here are things I won’t be doing or eating today.

1) I will not cook or eat lutefisk. Cooking lutefisk in banned by the Geneva Convention. It looks like boogers, smells like a rat crawled on top of furnace and died, has the consistency of phlegm, and is otherwise unpalatable.

2) I will not make or eat haggis. This Scottish delicacy is an intestine stuffed with innards. Eating this food made the Scottish warriors tremendously fierce. The only reason the Scots didn’t conquer greats swaths of the world is because they kept coming up against the Vikings who ate lutefisk.

3) I will not cook or eat liver and onions. This culinary atrocity is a favorite of college cafeterias everywhere is the real reason why some 50% of students never graduate.

4) I will not eat VegamiteTM. The stench from this dried veggie/yeast paste can wake up people on the second floor even if all doors are closed. In grad school, a housemate didn’t properly put the lid back on. I had to go downstairs and . . . I can’t go on. The memory. Augh! The memory.

5) I will not prepare food with a penguin. They have definite culinary ideas and will end up taking over your kitchen.

– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doer

Categories: cuisine, humor | Tags: apocalyptic, cafeterias, college, culinary, De Lancey, Geneva Convention, haggis, HumorOutcsts, hunks, lutefisk, Lutheran, no to do, Paul, penguin, Scots, Scottish, thriller, university, Vegamite, Viking | Leave a comment

Ask Dr. Economics – Poverty

Posted on September 19, 2015 by pauldelancey

Dear Dr. Economics,

Why is there so much poverty?

– Ms. Anne Thracks, Paducah, KY

Dear Ms. Thracks,

Too many people don’t have enough money.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: finance, humor | Tags: apocalyptic, Ask Dr. Economics, De Lancey, Dr. Economics, economics, hilarious, HumorOutcasts, hunks, Lutheran, mushrooms, Paducah, Paul De Lancey, thriller | Leave a comment

Christmas Gift Idea #1

Posted on August 19, 2015 by pauldelancey

What do you get for that special someone who has everything? Why a gift certificate for a restaurant restroom, of course. This memorable present is sure to take your relationship to an entirely new level.

– Paul R. De Lancey, gift advisor

Categories: history | Tags: apocalyptic, De Lancey, gift advisor, gift certificates, humorous, HumorOutcasts, hunks, Lutheran, mushrooms, relationship, restaurant, restroom, special someone, thriller | 3 Comments

Indonesian Nasi Goreng

Posted on August 17, 2015 by pauldelancey

Indonesian Entree

NASI GORENG

INGREDIENTS

1½ cups rice
1 pound chicken breasts
2 garlic cloves
2 green onions
1 shallot
1 inch gingerroot
1 large carrot
1 chile pepper, red or green
½ small cucumber
1 tablespoon sesame oil (1 additional teaspoon later)
2 tablespoons peanut oil
1 teaspoon sambal oelek or hot chili sauce
2 teaspoons fish sauce or Hoisin sauce or soy sauce
3 tablespoons ketjap manis or soy sauce
1 teaspoon dried shrimp
½ pound peeled and deveined shrimp
2 eggs

Makes 6 bowls. Takes 40 minutes

SPECIAL UTENSIL

spice grinder

PREPARATION

Cook rice according to instructions on packet. Shred chicken into thin strips. Mince garlic cloves, green onions, and shallot. Grind gingerroot into fine paste. Dice carrot and chile pepper. Peel and thinly slice cucumber.

Add 1 tablespoon sesame oil, garlic, green onion, ginger, shallot, and chile pepper to first pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion and shallot softens. Stir frequently. Add peanut oil, shredded chicken, carrot, sambal oelek, fish sauce, ketjap manis, and dried shrimp to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for about 5 minutes or until chicken turns golden brown. Add shrimp and sauté on medium heat for 4 minutes or until shrimp turns orange.

While chicken and then shrimp sauté, add eggs and 1 teaspoon sesame oil to second pan. Fry eggs on medium heat for about 3 minutes or until done to desired level. Remove eggs and cut into thin strips. Add garlic/onion/gingeroot mix, shredded-chicken mix, rice, and egg strips to large serving bowl. Toss ingredients together. Garnish with cucumber slices.

TIDBITS

1) Shrimp can only swim backward.

2) The ability to walk backward is a highly praised trait among tour guides.

3) You’d think shrimp would be naturals as tour guides, but their limited life expectancy out of water and their, let’s face it, complete inability to speak is a real resume stain.

4) Uncooked shrimp are called “œgreen.” If you know this, you will win on JeopardyTM.

5) Male shrimp cannot get pregnant, just like human males.

6) However, in startling contrast, women usually give birth to one baby, while female shrimp pop out up to one-million eggs.

7) This is why baby-naming books for shrimp are extremely popular and long.

8) If you haven’t seen these books, it is because these books are only found on the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico or the sea floors of other seas where shrimp woo, marry, and engage in whoopee.

9) Shrimp raised in shrimp farms do not have access to baby-naming books. This is why captive shrimp always name their male babies, “Robert” and their female offspring, “Marie.”

10) The average shrimp is about 6″ long, while the longest extended to16″. In contrast, the average penis measures 5.1″, with the longest one topping out at 13.5″

11) Hence the famous saying, “Is that a shrimp in your pocket or are you happy to see me?”

12) People’s eyes have only 3 different photoreceptive cones, while shrimp have 16. We can only imagine what vivid colors these crustaceans see, what vivid art they could produce.

13) Unfortunately, shrimp only paint in water colors which run immediately in their underwater abodes. Their art disappears immediately. We never get to see their creations. So we eat them instead.

14) Shrimp are slowly but surely evolving defense systems to fight back. Indeed, the mantis already possesses fast and powerful claws. They can break aquarium glass.

15) You no doubt recall the chaos and the terror that occurred when ten-million mantis shrimps staged a mass break out of the aquarium at Fort Lagniappe, Louisiana. The entire town disappeared under a wave of crabby crustaceans. It was only when the Air Force bombed the shrimp with hot garlic-butter sauce that the threat was contained. Every May 9th since then has been known as National Shrimp Day.

16) To ensure manageable levels of shrimp, the federal government promotes the inclusion of bacon-wrapped shrimp in school lunches. If your school’s cafeteria does not carry this entree, by all means, contact your congressman at once.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: aquarium, breasts, chicken, congressman, cookbook, crustacean, De Lancey, entree, Federal Government, Gulf of Mexico, hoisin, hunks, Indonesia, ketjap manis, Louisiana, Lutheran, mantis, mushrooms, nasi goreng, Paul, recipes, sambal oelek, school lunches, shrimp, thriller, tour guides | 2 Comments

Bucket List #1 – Scaling a Mighty Mountain

Posted on August 9, 2015 by pauldelancey

I’ve craved all my life the recognition of climbing a mountain. Now I have proof, as you can see in the picture shown to the right. You have to pass the rigorous test of having enough money to buy the decal. Not content with this test, I opted for advanced quizzing as evinced by the following conversation:

Me: I noticed this sticker says, “I climbed Cadillac Mountain.”

National Park Gift Shop Employee (NPGSE): Yes, it does.

Me: That’s different from, “I climbed the entire mountain.”

NPGSE: That’s right.

Me: So, it’s perfectly okay to count the climbing I did around here as climbing the mountain.

NPGSE: I think so.

There you go, not only am I an intrepid mountaineer, but a scrupulously honest one as well. My appetite for exciting adventures has been whetted. I look forward to my next bucket-list item. If danger scares you, feel free to participate at a safe distance through my blogs.

– Paul R. De Lancey, danger seeker

Categories: humor | Tags: apocalyptic, bucket list, Cadillac Mountain, De Lancey, hilarious, HumorOutcasts, hunks, Lutheran, mountaneer, mushrooms, rigorous test, thrller | Leave a comment

Soul Crunching Computers

Posted on August 8, 2015 by pauldelancey

Computers that take forever to load, freeze, or crash make you cuss. Repeatedly. They make you say horrific things that will cast your soul down to the fiery pits of Hell. You don’t want to go there, it’s unambiguously bad. Think of a presidential debate that never ends. But you can’t survive without your Facebook and kitchen pictures. What can be done?

When buying a computer, look for the following five characteristics:

It works.
It works.
It works. If you see this, it’s already too late.
It works.
It works.

For pity’s sake do not purchase a computer lacking any of the above five points. A working computer will give you a chance to go to Heaven. A bad computer will send you to Hell. Choose wisely.

– Paul R. De Lancey, computer owner

Categories: humor | Tags: apocalyptic, computers, De Lancey, heaven, Hell, hilarious, HumorOutcasts, hunks, Lutheran, mushrooms, Paul R. De Lancey, presidential debate, soul, thriller | 1 Comment

Posts Tagged With: hunks

Not to Do List – Today’s the End of the World

Dishwashers: Annoyances in Disguise or the Tools of the Apocalypse?

Matambre, Argentinian Stuffed Flank Steak

Space Aliens and My Nose

My Not to Do List – 5

Ask Dr. Economics – Poverty

Christmas Gift Idea #1

Indonesian Nasi Goreng

NASI GORENG

Bucket List #1 – Scaling a Mighty Mountain

Soul Crunching Computers

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Posts Tagged With: hunks

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