Posts Tagged With: penguin

My Not to Do List – 5


I’m continuing with my virtuous inertia. Here are things I won’t be doing or eating today.

1) I will not cook or eat lutefisk. Cooking lutefisk in banned by the Geneva Convention. It looks like boogers, smells like a rat crawled on top of furnace and died, has the consistency of phlegm, and is otherwise unpalatable.

2) I will not make or eat haggis. This Scottish delicacy is an intestine stuffed with innards. Eating this food made the Scottish warriors tremendously fierce. The only reason the Scots didn’t conquer greats swaths of the world is because they kept coming up against the Vikings who ate lutefisk.

3) I will not cook or eat liver and onions. This culinary atrocity is a favorite of college cafeterias everywhere is the real reason why some 50% of students never graduate.

4) I will not eat VegamiteTM. The stench from this dried veggie/yeast paste can wake up people on the second floor even if all doors are closed. In grad school, a housemate didn’t properly put the lid back on. I had to go downstairs and . . .  I can’t go on. The memory. Augh! The memory.

5) I will not prepare food with a penguin. They have definite culinary ideas and will end up taking over your kitchen.

– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doerCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperpack or Kindle on

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My Not to Do List – Part 4


Since I’ve been so gosh darn successful at not doing the previous things I’d set out not to do, I thought I’d continue with my virtuous inertia and not do some more things. Here are things I won’t be doing today.

1) I will not eat eggplant.

2) I will not snack between snacks.

3) I will not call my congressmen to say, “Well done.”

4) I will debate anything with any penguin.

5) I will not untangle any cords.

6) I will not fry an egg in zero gravity.

7) I will not count my pennies.

9) I will not do any weeding.

10) I will not order spices over the internet.

11) I will not clean toilets.

12) I will not ride around my neighborhood on an elephant. Not even when the temperature drops in the evening.

13 I will not mix root beer with horseradish.

– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doerCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperpack or Kindle on

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Provencale Roasted Red Pepper Soup

French Entree



2 red bell peppers
2 cloves garlic
1 onion
1/2 cup olive oil
2 teaspoons herbes de Provence
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
1/4 teaspoon mignonette pepper (or pepper)
1/2 cup white wine
2 cups chicken broth
1 cup sour cream


Preheat oven to 450 degrees.

Bake bell peppers in baking dish at 450 degrees. Turn every 8 minutes until skin blackens on all sides. Remove bell peppers and put in a paper lunch bag. Close lunch bag and let bell peppers sweat for an hour.. Do not, do not, for the love of God, Montressor, take them out early.

If you take the red bell peppers out of the bag early, you will find it so difficult to remove the skin from the bell peppers. If you take the bell peppers out early, you find the horrible memory of vainly trying to remove the peppers’ skin so seared into your mind that you will need to join the French Foreign Legion to forget. Keep those bell peppers in the bag for the entire hour. Don’t let them out even if they ask.

While the bell peppers are steaming in the sack, mince garlic cloves and onion. Put garlic, olive oil, onion, herbes de Provence, salt, pepper, white wine, broth, and sour cream. Cook on low-medium heat for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally.


1) “Soup” is an anagram for “Opus.”

2) Opus was the name of the penguin in the comic strip “Bloom County.”

3) I don’t recall if Opus ever ate toast.

4) My father and mother in the early days of their marriage used to go to Toastmasters. Toastmasters, at least then, was a great place to master public speaking.

5) My father spoke on the Emperor Penguin. At one point he said this penguin could jump sixty feet up into air. He meant to say sixty inches. This claim immediately got the attention of his wife, who had been suffering through other people’s speeches. She looked around to see if anyone else had noticed the mistake. Nope. They were all suffering spouses or people concentrating intently of their own upcoming speeches.

6) My mother let this mistake go. My father and mother were married for nearly sixty years.

7) Which is the height in inches an Emperor Penguin can jump. I find both feats rather impressive.

– Chef Paul


My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at:

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Loving Poem About Regret


Said the mother penguin to her chick,
“Bring your furry ass over here
I need to regurgitate
and make room for beer.”

“No, mom, no I want a pizza
A pizza eater I shall be.”

“No, son you’re a penguin.
A fish eater you’ll be.”

“You’ll be neither,” said the fishermen
as he harpooned them both.
“I’ll mince you and can you
For Penguins of the sea.”

“Bummer,” said the expiring penguins.

* – Best Poem at the Southern California Writers’ Conference – 2009. First such award in a decade

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